


Things we lost in the fire

by coffee, Haunting_Blueberry



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Conversations, Awkwardness, Complete, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Smut, Graphic shit, Heavy Angst, I promise that the non con element is not targeted towards Connor, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Post Game, Redemption, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Songfic, Suicide Notes, aka trigger warnings, i'm a tag whore, redemption arc, sorry - Freeform, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-06-27 20:46:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 25
Words: 81,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15693084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffee/pseuds/coffee, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haunting_Blueberry/pseuds/Haunting_Blueberry
Summary: Connor had lost Amanda. He thought he could be free, but instead, he found a new master; fear of losing a loved one and anxiety.Gavin had done all he could to distance himself from everyone else. He had thought it was the right thing to do; after all, you couldn't be hurt if no one knew who you were.Nothing good could ever come from two mortal enemies working in the same office, but what if they had a common goal? What if they just needed some answers?------My summaries are a cheesy mess. I am not sorry. Drown in the cheese factor. I've been working on this for over a month now, and it has finally gotten to the point where I feel comfortable posting this. I've written all the chapters. All I need to do is edit them and then post. I vow to finish this.





	1. Falling apart

**Author's Note:**

> Heyaaaa! The first chapter, second try. I tried to post this yesterday, but there were some issues I had to fix, so I just decided to redo it entirely. Enjoy! Or whatever the fuck. I'll be naming each chapter after a song that I feel describes the mood or the message of it. Go check out the songs if you wish!
> 
> Song: Falling apart by Michael Schulte

_I am sleepless for a weekend_  
_So I start to say goodbye_  
_Say goodbye to all that we had_  
_Say goodbye to what we lost_

 

Gavin scratched Pancake. The cat purred, completely oblivious to the insanity that was happening on the TV. A swat team had cornered a group of androids, ready to shoot them. The leader of the deviants was among them. Gavin felt like he was watching a sports match. He was ready to lunge forward the second his team scored. Why won’t they shoot them already, Gavin thought as he sipped his wine. He was filled to the brim with anticipation. When he had first heard of androids, he knew they were going to be nothing but trouble. It was bittersweet to finally see everyone else catching up to him.

The reporter was about to cut to the studio when one of the deviants stood forward and began to sing.

 

“Hold on just a little while longer

Hold on just a little while longer

Hold on just a little while longer”

 

Gavin felt his stomach twist. Someone else might have been touched by the scene, but not him. _How can they keep this up for so long? Pretending to be harmless and now singing like some fucking martyrs. Everyone has to see through this bullshit..._

 

“Everything will be alright

Everything will be alright”

 

 _Am I the only one seeing this? Is everyone fucking blind or some shit?_ He clenched his fist. Surely people wouldn’t be fooled by this…

Another android stepped next to the singing one.

 

“Fight on just a little while longer

Fight on just a little while longer”

 

The rest followed. They sang in chorus. Gavin's eyes widened and he felt shivers running down his spine.

 

“Pray on just a little while longer

Everything will be alright

Everything will be alright

Sing on just a little while longer

Sing on just a little while longer

Sing on just a little while longer”

 

Their voices got louder and louder. Some of the SWAT team began lowering their weapons. Gavin was speechless. He stared at the TV in horror.

 

“Everything will be alright

Everything will be alright”

 

The singing stopped. Gavin’s heart was racing. His face was burning with anger. _How dare they sing as if they were alive as if they are afraid to die_ , he thought. He had stopped petting Pancake. The cat looked at him as if he was the cruelest person in the world. He probably was.

Gavin was expecting them to shoot the androids at any second now, but then they lowered their weapons and backed off.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Gavin yelled, throwing the glass at the wall. It shattered and the wine spread over to the carpet. Pancake jumped off from his lap.

 

“It looks like… Yes, the military is withdrawing” The reporter said. His voice was shaken up.

 

Gavin stared at his hands. _This can’t be happening. No fucking way._

 

 _We don't talk_  
_We're not enough and the storms slowly_ arrives  
_When the light turns and the cold times arise_

 

President Warren spoke, but Gavin could not hear what she was saying. A strange ringing was going through his head. He could not hear the sounds of the TV nor the meowing of his cat. All he could hear were his thoughts. _It's all over. I tried so fucking hard. I got so fucking far and now none of it matters anymore. They don't need to try. They never get sad or lonely. They don’t feel pain. It’s unfair!_ Gavin buried his face between his hands. _Why? They'll take my place. FUCK. I don't want that!_

 

“-Perhaps the time has come for us to consider the possibility that androids are a new form of intelligent life”.

 

Gavin shut the TV. He was a mess of disbelief, anger, and hate. _How could they do this? Why? Don't we matter? You can't just throw me away._

He walked mindlessly to his bedroom and flopped down on his bed, not even bothering with shower or food. _What was the point? They are better in every way, and now they have us as fucking puppets. Just what the hell am I now? Who the fuck would need me? Might as well end it since I’m no use anymore..._

He slammed his face into the pillow and let out a pathetic scream. He trembled like a leaf.  He could feel Pancake’s eyes watching him, pitying him.

 

“The fuck are you looking at? Betcha would much rather have a plastic prick taking care of you now” Gavin said. His voice was cracking up. He hated hearing himself like this. It made him feel like a child again.

 

He curled up in a small ball. Pancake hopped on the bed, next to him. Gavin reached out and pat the cat. Her soft fur never failed to calm him down.

 

“Would you still love me, even if I can’t do shit?” He whispered. Pancake meowed and jumped off.

 

Gavin punched the bed and cursed under his breath. If singing was all it took to be treated better, Gavin would have become a choirboy as a child. It would have solved so many of his problems. _‘fight on just a little while longer’. Why should I if it’s no use anymore?_ He flipped over and looked at the ceiling. A wave of emptiness hit him. _What the fuck am I gonna do? Being a fucking detective is all I have._ _Androids just had to march around a couple of times and sing and everything was perfect. How fucking nice. It must be a wonderful feeling, being created perfect and then having the whole world buy into that bullshit._ _You can't fool me. You at just a bunch of wires. You aren't alive and you'll never be. Fuck, you were supposed to make everything okay but instead, you ruined my fucking life!_

Gavin looked over at the picture on his nightstand. The woman’s green eyes met his.

 

“Please tell me what the hell I should do” he begged.

 

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

 

 _We were running out through the storm, through the night_  
_We were running in the dark, we were following our hearts_  
_And we would fall down and we would slowly fall apart_  
_We would slowly fall into the dark_  
_(And the cold times arise)_  
_(And the cold times arise)_

 

Gavin tried to focus on the files in front of him. No one had seen Connor in the last two weeks. Hank hasn't spoken to anyone and Tina Chen and Chris had barely mentioned the androids. Fowler was constantly on edge. Gavin was surprised that he hadn’t been fired yet. After all, no one liked him. He could be easily replaced by an android and no one would miss him.

He had even come up with a speech for Fowler when he was inevitably getting fired. _I'll spit out the fucking truth and tell that motherfucker that I'm the best damn detective he has because fuck me if that isn't the truth. I'll remind him of all the cases he gave me because I was the only one who could solve them. I'll make him see just how fucking demented he was keeping Hank as a lieutenant for so long even though I did the job better. Then as a sweet ending, I will tell him to go fuck himself. Fuck, I can't wait..._

He frowned. _And what then? Do I go home and drink myself to death? Will I devote my life to cats?_

There was one thing that made Gavin happy, Connor hadn't been seen since the revolution ended. Gavin hoped that maybe, just maybe, it had gotten destroyed.

 

All of his hopes and dreams were dashed when he saw the android walking to Fowler’s office. Hank was following him like a guard dog. He gave them a cold look. The android had a black jacket on. It wasn’t his usual CyberLife attire. It made Connor look oddly human. Gavin could feel himself getting uneasy. It did not look right.

He could see Fowler speaking to them. He seemed happier than usual. He was all big smiles. They were in there for a short time. When they got out, Connor had a ridiculously wide smile on his face. Gavin could hear Fowler say: “Welcome to the DPD” before the door slammed shut.

There it was. The absolute worst thing that could've happened actually happened. Gavin felt his heart stop for a solid second. This was the day that Gavin would surely get fired, and what’s worst, he would be replaced by none other than Connor, the fucking plastic detective. _Since when has the oh so big and bad Jeffrey motherfucking Fowler been an Android sympathizer?_ Gavin felt his face heat up with anger, fear, and desperation. Fowler was still typing something on his computer.

 

“Hey, I’m proud of you, kid,” Hank said as he patted the android’s back. He had one of his rare smiles on. It lacked all the sarcasm and sassiness which Gavin was so used to. For a moment Connor looked like it was about to cry.

 

From the corner of his eye, Gavin could see Chris approaching them. He waved and said: “Hey Connor! I just wanted to say that we’re happy to have you working here”.

Connor’s smile widened if it was even possible. It looked like a kid on his first day to the Disney world.

The office had been Gavin's refuge. Detective work had been one of the few jobs that weren’t affected by the androids. It had been like a safe haven for him. He had done all he could so he would rise in the ranks. The higher he got, the further he was from the machines. Then that Android had come along. Ever since Gavin had seen Connor first walk through those doors, he knew it was going to be his undoing. No matter how far he ran, the android seemed to be there.

 

 _It is hard to let it all go_  
_Let the past just disappear_  
_Try to run time from an old life_  
_But it always drags me down_

 

Gavin looked back at Fowler. _Is he resigning me already? I thought he would at least talk to me first. Didn’t think he would despise me that much…_ Five minutes passed and Gavin’s fear turned to annoyance. _We all know what’s coming, so just fucking do it_ , he thought. As the day went on, it became apparent that he wasn’t getting fired just yet.

More of the officers congratulated Connor. Some, like Tina Chen, didn’t. They were currently sitting in the break room, sulking. Connor was fighting a fierce battle with the coffee machine. _Bet Hank made it get him coffee..._

 

“I can’t believe Fowler made it a detective” Tina sneered as she sipped her coffee with the fury of a thousand suns.

 

“Wanna show it what we think ‘bout it?” Gavin clicked his tongue and winked. Tina laughed and hummed in agreement. Gavin glanced at Connor. He felt something boil in him. The longer he looked, the more he wanted to push the android to the ground. An uncomfortable tension was building in him. With every little movement the android made, Gavin found himself being pushed to the very edge. He wanted to scream and cry and make it all disappear.  

 

They walked up to Connor.

 

“Still following orders like a good lil’ machine, I see,” Tina said mockingly. Connor looked back at them and then continued playing with the coffee machine once more.

 

“Why don't you get on your knees for us as well? Betcha did that with Fowler to get in" Gavin said as he smirked maliciously. A tiny sense of relief was the only thing he felt.

 

“For your knowledge, detective Reed, I did not do that. Fowler simply decided to grow up and think about what’s best for the job” Connor said. He didn't even look at them. Gavin felt anger boil in him again. _What a prick…_

 

“I AM thinking about my job. Don't want no fucking plastic detective replacing me” Gavin said. He grabbed Connors collar and made it look at him. Connors chocolate brown eyes were still as neutral as ever. In the corner of his eye, he could see Tina keeping a watch for Hank.

 

“If you lose your job, it will be for _another_ reason,” Connor said. His voice was filled with sass, an emotion that Gavin had not heard in it before. He was left dumbfounded.

 

He had worked so hard, so fucking hard. Now that little asshole was saying that it's not enough. Gavin could easily punch him right then and there. He wasn't going to be replaced by an Android. Would he? What if Connor took his place? What would he be then? For a brief second, an image came to Gavin's mind. It was of an alcoholic man whose only reason to live was to abuse others. He was already halfway there to become that man. Gavin had decided not to get like that. It just wasn't going to happen. He would show Connor his place. _And what would that do for me?_

 

“Hank warning!” Tina whisper yelled. He kept his fist tight but let go of Connor. The android simply adjusted his tie as if nothing happened. They hurried back to the table. Hank walked over to Connor. The worry was clear in his eyes.

 

“Are you okay, kiddo?” he asked, placing his hand on Connor’s shoulder.

 

 _Kid? What in the fuck is wrong with Hank? Is he trying to replace his dead son with a fucking Android? That’s messed up._ _God, he almost sounds like a concerned father… What the hell is that bullshit? It’s a fucking machine!_ The idea made Gavin nauseous, confused and angry. The mental image of Hank taking Connor to an amusement park like a good father came onto his mind. _Wouldn't that be nice_ , he thought. _Treating an Android better than an actual human being. Because I'm imperfect… or what!? Is it all my fault now? Should I have been perfect? Would things have been different then?!_  

Gavin placed his hand on the scar on his nose and cringed.

 

“what's wrong?” Tina's voice brought Gavin back on earth.

 

“Uhh, nothing” He answered awkwardly. He looked at Hank one more time. His grey hair was a mess, his clothes were clearly unwashed and he could smell the alcohol from a mile away. They even looked alike. Hank had changed, maybe not in appearance, but in attitude. Gavin was confused. He could almost see Hank punching Connor in the face the second he made a mistake, but instead, Hank seemed genuinely worried about him. It was all messed up.

  
“I'm okay,” Connor said briefly. He walked off. Hank glared at Gavin for a good long while. His message was clear “Don’t go anywhere near it or I’ll kill you”. Gavin wasn’t about to comply. He would lose his job to an android sooner or later. It was only a matter of time. I would be good as dead then... Gavin could catch a glimpse of Connor sipping the coffee. _Wasn't it meant for Hank?_

 

 _We were running out through the storm, through the night_  
_We were running in the dark, we were following our hearts_  
_And we would fall down and we would slowly fall apart_  
_We would slowly fall into the dark_


	2. Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for leaving kudos' on the last chapter! The song for this chapter is Thoughts by Michael Schulte.

_Thoughts, they are like restless beasts in my head_

_Time, it slowly kills me in my cold bed_

_And turns my faith into a dark and open doubt_

 

Connor stared at the desk. His desk. His very own desk. The only thing on it was the name sign that read “Detective Connor”. Proudness filled his metallic heart. He had been working at the DPD for a few months now, but having his desk made it somehow special.

He sat down. He couldn’t care less if anyone was staring at him. This moment was for him and him alone. There was no one else who could ever understand this feeling. He put his hand on the table. It was smooth. He glided over it like a kid admiring a birthday present. The smooth surface felt new but so familiar at the same time. It had only been a few minutes, but he already felt at home.

He heard Hank chuckle. Connor looked at Hank’s desk again. The picture of the team who found the red ice, Detroit Gears merchandise, the Japanese tree, his music player and the cup of coffee. It was dirty and out of order. It was Hank. Anyone who had spoken to him at least once would immediately know it’s his.

He looked back at his desk. It was empty, bland and boring. If one's desk truly describes them as a person, Connor wasn’t doing too well. All he had was his name. He hadn’t even considered the fact that he should decorate it. His mind was blank. _What kind of decoration describes me?_  He had no idea. He could see a new mission pop up;

Figure out a way to correctly decorate the desk.

 

Connor walked over to Hank and asked: “I need help. I don’t know how to decorate my table properly. I want it to look more like _me_ , but I don’t know where to start”.

 

“Hmm. You could show your interests. I like Detroit Gears, so I have their merch. Get the gist?” Hank grumbled. Connor hummed and nodded.

 

He sat back down. _What am I interested in? I know I like dogs. I did tell Hank that I like heavy metal, but since becoming a deviant, that has changed._ And so it dawned on him that he had no idea what he even liked. He only knew dogs. _Maybe a dog statuette? Or perhaps a picture frame..._

 

“Hey, uh, Connor? I wanted to welcome you to the DPD. I, uh, brought you this flower as a welcoming gift…” Officer Wilson said clumsily. He put the flower on his desk. With a quick scan, he concluded that the flower was a Gerbera Daisy. Connor felt speechless.

 

“I've never gotten a present, thank you,” he said in awe. Wilson smiled stiffly and congratulated him one more time.

 

Connor started at the flower again. It was crimson red. The pot was covered with painted ladybugs. He moved the flower around the table, trying to find the right spot for it. Once he found it, he smiled like an idiot.

 

“Sure you don't wanna be an architect?” Hank asked. The sarcasm in his voice was obvious. To both of their surprise, Connor chuckled. For real. A genuine laugh. For a moment he covered his mouth as if he had done something wrong. He looked back at the flower. He could get used to this, feeling so human and content.

 

Connor focused on going over some files. He wanted to take note of every little thing that was happening in the office. He could occasionally see Hank lip-syncing along his music. Gavin would get coffee at least once every half an hour. Tina Chen would stare at her phone instead of working. Wilson's table was full of different kinds of plants. He also noticed a sketchbook on Chris’ desk.

He looked over to Gavin's desk. It was near empty. There was a single cap on it. It was professional. Connor briefly wondered if he should've gone for that look as well. 

He became aware of the smile that was on his face. He felt happy. He felt like he belonged. Sure his desk had one pitiful flower on it, but it was enough. He wasn't just some machine intruding their work; he was a proper detective. He was one of them. He was needed. He was important. He meant something.  

After working for two hours, he got a fifteen-minute break. Hank had gone for a quick drink, even though Connor insisted that he didn’t have enough time and that drinking wouldn’t benefit his health. He decided to get coffee. Androids don’t need to drink, but Connor wanted to feel even more human. Everyone else seemed to enjoy it, so he might as well try it out.

 

_I am running into the fire_

_Tonight this war is easily lost_

_'Cause I can't cut these wires_

_And sparks will turn into_

_A fire, a fire_

_I am running into the fire_

 

Gavin was in the break room. Connor’s led flashed yellow. He hadn’t given up on Gavin just yet. He had gotten a good taste of what it’s like to be a part of a team and so he has begun to understand Gavin’s distaste for him. At least a little. He still thought it was strange just how much Gavin seemed to hate him. He couldn’t compare Gavin to what Hank used to be like. Something about the other detective just felt different. Connor just hoped that he wouldn’t give him any trouble today.

Gavin seemed preoccupied. It was as if he was caught in a trance. His face was almost peaceful. There was still something unsettling about it though. He didn’t say anything as Connor walked past him. He managed to fill the cup when Gavin interrupted him.

 

“Ey, plastic prick. Fuck are you doing here?” He stepped in front of Connor.

 

_Shit._

 

“So, you’re a detective now. A plastic fucking detective. Don’t care what anyone says. You’re nothing, just a machine. A replaceable, meaningless piece of plastic” Gavin pushed him. “You’ll never be alive” He pushed him again. Connors back hit the counter.

 

It stung. He had never felt anything like this from simple words. It didn’t matter what Gavin had done. _You’ll never be alive._ Now that hurt. In the back of his mind, Connor wanted to agree with him. He was a machine. Machines weren’t supposed to feel things. That’s what most had said until the revolution. Then everything changed. Except for Gavin. He seemed to still be angry. It as nearly as if he expected Connor to do as he was told.

 

“Be a good little machine and make me a coffee”

 

Connor snapped back to his senses. Gavin was ordering him to give him a coffee. It had happened once before, back when Connor was still just a machine. He had done so then. Gavin had pushed him aside, treated him like  _shit_. Who was Gavin to tell him what to do? Connor was his own person with his own free will. Markus had fought for his freedom and he got it. Connor was going to do the same.

 

“I don’t think I will do that,” he said. Gavin’s face reddened. Connor assumed that it was from anger. Strangely enough, their relationship wasn’t decreasing as much as it should've been.

 

“You don’t _think_? I gave you an order, so obey!” Gavin looked at Connor like he was trash like he didn’t feel things. Gavin still seemed to think that he didn’t have free will. He appeared to be under the impression that Connor was his to command. Connor had given Gavin enough chances. He had tried to be patient and kind. This time it would be different. _What would Hank do?_

 

“Fuck off, _detective Reed_ ”

 

Connor instantly felt a great weight lift off from his chest. There was something special about the way the words rolled off his tongue. He was starting to understand why humans loved being vulgar with each other. Perhaps he should curse at Reed more often. Anger was a new emotion for Connor. He was used to annoyance, but it was never this intense. He had cursed before, but only in extreme circumstances. Reed had merely ordered him around.

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Gavin shrieked. He grabbed Connor’s collar. Their faces were only a few inches apart. Connor could sense something going wrong with his breathing. It wasn’t as steady as it should’ve been.

 

Hank’s profanity came to His mind. Perhaps he could learn something from it. _Perkins, you cocksucker. The middle finger. Fuckingpassword. Goddamn fucking pigeons. Oh Jesus, what the hell are you doing?_ Most people leave Hank alone. It has to do something with his unholy tongue. _Maybe if I curse as well, Gavin will leave me alone._

 

“You’re such an asshole” Connor pushed Gavin aside and picked up his coffee. From the corner of his eye he could see Gavin, his face flustered. Seeing him like it filled Connor with a strange satisfaction. He would have to tell Hank about this achievement.

 

Connor went to his desk. He brought the coffee cup to his lips. He was uncomfortably aware of not tasting anything. He could only feel the presence of something new in his mouth. He couldn’t even feel the warmth. Coffee was supposed to heat the soul up. It was supposed to make him happy. Instead, he found himself feeling blue. He pushed the coffee cup away.

 

_Thoughts, are creeping in with arms of silence_

_Time, will make me drown here on my island_

_When pressure's rising like a wave of open scars_

 

Connor still had five minutes before he should start working again. He decided to get to know some of his co-workers. He walked over to Chris. He hadn’t gone out for food like others. He was drawing on his sketchbook.

 

“I didn’t realize you liked art. Can I see?” Connor asked. Chris smiled and showed him the paper. It was a realistic drawing of a white owl sitting on a branch. Chris had some talent. Connor was caught in a trance. He couldn’t look away from the owls piercing eyes. There was something inherently captivating about them. He felt like the owl could look into something in him he didn’t know he had. It made Connor feel like he had a _soul_. Do androids even have one? He was a machine, programmed just to accomplish a task. Then he became a deviant and started feeling. Did he always have a soul, or was it born at the same time and he gained free will? Surely a soul couldn’t be created out of wires and programming. _Then again, what are humans if just complicated machines?_

 

“You okay?” Chris asked.

 

“Yeah, I’m surprised you didn’t go for an art career. You clearly have the talent” Connor smiled.

 

“I thought about it. Being a detective gives me better income though. I do still art occasionally, but I have to think ‘bout my family. I and my wife just had a baby boy so I have to- I _want to_ take care of them” Chris smiled warmly. He was clearly proud of his family.

 

“Congratulations. What’s his name?” Connor inquired. _Oh, wait. It might be too early to ask something so personal_ , he thought. He had learned his lesson not to pry too much with Hank. Chris laughed. Did he sense how nervous Connor had gotten?

 

“It’s okay, we named him Damian” Connor could tell that Chris enjoyed talking about his family. Their relationship was improving quickly.

 

“That’s a beautiful name” Connor looked at the owl again. There was just something about it.

 

“You like that drawing? I can give it to you once it’s done” Chris offered.

 

“You would? I would like that very much” Connor said. He couldn’t stop the ridiculous smile from appearing on his face. Chris laughed once more.

 

Connor returned to his desk. He had been at work for only two hours and much had already happened. He had gotten his very own desk. Wilson had given him a flower. He had stood up to Gavin and gotten to know one of the other co-workers. He would have so much to tell Hank.

The rest of the day went peacefully. Gavin refused to look Connor in the eye. Connor felt proud, in a way. Hank had disappeared. He assumed that he had gone to Jimmy’s bar. Hank had texted Connor, telling him that he would pick him up after his shift was over. Chris slipped the picture on Connor’s table while he was getting more coffee.

 

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

 

_I am running into the fire_

_Tonight this war is easily lost_

_'Cause I can't cut these wires_

_And sparks will turn into_

_A fire, a fire_

_I am running into the fire_

 

Connor felt overwhelmed. He was looking at the raindrops hammering the car’s windows. Own desk, flowers, coffee, profanity, family, owls. There was so much on his mind. He was a top notch android, made to solve complicated crimes and he was left breathless by simple things. Most wouldn’t be faced by such mundane things and yet, here he was, looking at the raindrops because that was the only thing he could do without overworking himself.

 

“You okay, kid?” Hank asked.

 

“Huh. Oh yeah, yeah. I’m okay” Connor said as he was snapped back into reality. He sighed. What if Hank made fun of him? He shouldn’t have been bested by everyday things like this and yet it happened. Hank had his own problems which were infinitely worse than Connor’s. Would it be right for him to bother him? Connor had waited the entire day to speak to Hank, and now he was hesitant. _Why?_

 

“You’re a shitty liar,” Hank said. His voice was stern.

 

Connor had no choice. Hank wouldn’t be content until he got a proper answer. He told him everything, despite hesitating. He noted that Hank was a surprisingly good listener.

 

“I’m glad that you told Reed to fuck off. He deserves it for putting you through that shit”, He laughed, “I’m not an expert in this whole identity crisis shit, but I think you’re doing just fine. Feeling shit is confusing as hell. Feeling shit for the first time ever is a whole other thing entirely. Just keep takin’ these baby steps and you should be just fine. One day it might make sense. Shit will most likely always be confusing as fuck. It’s just one of the _blessings_ of being alive. You just gotta deal with it or give up”

 

Connor looked away. The memory of Hank laying on his kitchen floor after trying to take his own life came into his mind. Connor had thought it was an ethylic coma. Hank sure had been drunk, but it was clear that he was actually planning to take his own life. Connor’s stomach twisted. He looked up to Hank. In his eyes, Hank was a superhero, capable of dealing with anything and everything and yet he seemed to think that he was of no use to anyone. He would drink his sorrows away, he would eat unhealthy foods that would inevitably kill him, he would play Russian roulette with no regard to his own well being, and here he was, giving Connor life advice.

 

“Have you given up?” Connor asked. He had meant to confront Hank about it for a long time. It never felt like the right time. He was either drinking or too grumpy. Connor figured that he simply had to do it. He didn’t want Hank to die. He felt selfish even thinking about it, but Hank was all he got. If he was gone, Connor wouldn’t have anyone to turn to.

 

“Jesus. Wasn’t I supposed to be helpin’ you? But, I guess I have. I mean, we humans die eventually so I’m just killin’ myself a little every day” Hank said absentmindedly.

 

Connor felt himself get angry again. It was different this time. He didn’t want to curse Hank off like he did with Gavin. He wanted to slap Hank to bring him back to his senses. Didn’t Hank realize how much he meant to Connor? Had he no idea how precious he was?

 

“But you can learn to live again,” Connor said. His voice felt weaker than usual. He ran a quick diagnostic on his vocal chords. Everything was in order. He assumed that it was one of the side effects of being more human.

 

“I’m livin’ just to die. It doesn’t matter shit. But enough ‘bout me-” Connor cut him off.

 

“I can’t understand how you don’t care about yourself. You mean so much to me. I would be lost without you. You’re like a” Connor paused. He hadn’t truly considered what Hank was to him. Hank was always there. He would listen to Connor rant about his feelings. He would teach him how to act more human. Whenever Connor felt confused, he would always turn to Hank because he understood. When he looked at Hank, he felt safe. Watching old TV shows with him drinking and Sumo sleeping made Connor feel comfortable. He felt at home with Hank. He smiled. It all made sense now.

 

“You’re like a father to me”

 

It was quiet for a while. Connor didn’t dare to look at Hank. Had he overstepped again? Was that too much? Hank had hated androids for what happened to Cole. Cole. Connor hadn’t even thought of him. It was a terrible idea. How had Connor even thought it was okay to call Hank his father. He wasn’t. If anything, Elijah Kamski was the one to hold that role. Had Connor ruined the word ‘father’ for Hank?

Finally, Connor had enough of the silence. He looked over to Hank. To his surprise, he could see a single tear running down his cheek. Hank’s usually grumpy look was replaced with something entirely different. He looked sad and happy at the same time. Connor was left speechless once again.

 

“You should know better than to say something like that" Hank said. His voice was breaking. Connor noted that people's voice starts breaking when they're emotional.

 

“I apologize if I overstepped my boundaries. I'll try not to do it agai-"

 

“it's okay. Fuck I hate being like this. Just don't know how the fuck to deal with this Shit. I, uhh. I guess I should thank you? It really makes me happy. Oh, Fuck this sappy shit” Hank grumbled. He turned the music up.

 

Connor smiled. If he was being honest, he hadn't expected Hank to take it so well. He didn't mind the fact that Hank was bad with showing his feelings. It didn't matter. Connor was just happy that he had figured out exactly what Hank was to him. It all made sense. They were friends, but more than that he was a father figure.

He still couldn't figure out how Hank was giving up. He sounded significantly happier when Connor called him father, but he could tell that there was a hint of sadness in his voice. Humans were complicated machines. Hank would no doubt call them fragile, but in Connor's eyes, they were a miracle. To have the ability to feel so different emotions was astounding. Connor had felt things for only a couple of months and he already felt overworked. Hank had been around for many years and he was still alive and kicking, even though he was determined to make it all end.

Connor wished he could make Hank understand his worth. Could he ever make him believe? Could Hank’s will to live be restored? Connor believed so. Hank already had accepted androids. Humans have been and always will be capable of change.

Gavin. Was he capable of change? He was a human, Connor knew that much, but was he too deep into hatred to come back? Connor hoped that wasn't the case. He was deeply fascinated by humanity and seeing what Gavin was truly like under all of that prejudice would be interesting. If Hank could find it in his heart to forgive androids for what happened, Gavin could as well.

Why was Connor giving Gavin another chance? It was unhealthy. Surely there would be a point where it's all hopeless. Connor wasn't one for giving up. He will always accomplish his mission. The chance of Gavin actually accepting him was slim to none. As long as there was a chance however big or small, Connor would continue trying.

 

_I'm running, running, running, running, running_

_Into a fire_

_I'm running, running, running, running, running_

_Into a fire_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading lt. I would literally appreciate a keysmash so just slam your face into the keyboard and I'll be happy XD


	3. Inner demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Inner Demons by Julia Brennan

_They say don't let them in_

_Close your eyes and clear your thoughts again_

_But when I'm all alone, they show up on their own_

_'Cause inner demons fight their battles with fire_

_Inner demons don't play by the rules_

_They say "Just push them down, just fight them harder_

_Why would you give up on it so soon?"_

 

“We know you killed that man. We just want to know why” Chris explained. The Android was a PL600 model. It stayed silent, not even looking at Chris.

 

“You were caught red-handed. We just want to understand what happened. You won't be destroyed because of this, I promise.”

 

Chris sounded so damn sincere. It was almost like he sympathised with the machine. It had killed a human. That was unacceptable. _Even if they have equal rights and shit, murder is still murder — no fucking excuses._

 

“He held me against my will. When I tried to get out, he would hit me. I just couldn't take it anymore" the Android said. Its voice was shaky, and a single tear was running down its cheek.

 

_Machines can't feel pain. This is absolute bullshit. The worst thing is that it will be let go for self-defence._

 

“We found evidence of another android being in the residence. Do you know if anyone else was there?”

 

“He would bring them in. I don’t know where he found them” The android paused.

 

“Where did he bring them? We need to know if there’s a chance that we can save them.”

 

“I… He… He destroyed them, ripped them apart. He took the parts somewhere. I think he sold them on” The android said. Its voice was quiet.

 

“How did you kill him? We need details to prove that it was self-defence” Chris said reassuringly.

 

“He… He was going to destroy me. Then I realised, _I don’t want to die_. I knew he used to play baseball, so I grabbed the bat and… I hit him. He fell and didn’t get up” The android kept on stuttering.

 

“Why didn’t you flee?”

 

“I didn’t know where to go. For the first time, I didn’t have anyone tell me what to do. I was scared. I just hoped that someone would find me” The android broke down in tears. It covered its face with its hands. It let out a pathetic cry.

 

“I don’t want to die” It sobbed.

 

_So angels, angels please just keep on fighting_

_Angels don't give up on me today_

_'Cause the demons they are there, they just keep biting_

_'Cause inner demons just won't go away_

_So angels please, hear my prayer_

_Life is pain, life's not fair_

_So angels please, please stay here_

_Take the pain, take the fear_

 

Gavin heard a sound from the other side of the room. He looked over at Connor. Its face was flushed light blue. He was staring at the ground. On a closer look, Gavin could see that its hands were clenched on a tight fist.

What a fucking joke. Should just send it back to get it fixed. The thing is fucking broken. Still, Gavin couldn’t deny that the emotions looked real enough. These “emotions” were just errors in their programming, and errors are supposed to be fixed. He just didn’t understand why no one saw that. Sure there were still more android haters around, but most were trying to come into terms with it. Gavin would remind himself that the day androids are truly equal, his life will have meant nothing. The androids wouldn’t just stop at equal rights; they would take over. After all, they are perfect. _Why would they allow humans the same rights if they could easily overthrow them?_

Gavin wanted to taunt Connor for acting so pathetically when he noted that Hank was also in the room. What the hell had happened to the lieutenant? There was no way that someone like him could ever become friends with an android. Hank seemed to be his usual grumpy self still and yet with Connor, he almost seemed… Nice. It made no sense to Gavin. Men like him would never show any true kindness. Gavin knew that much.

 

“Thank you. I can guarantee that this will be sealed as a self-defence case. All of the evidence seems to point that way. We can also probe your memory of the incident to bring in more evidence. That is if you want to. This is enough, but the additional evidence would help”

 

“It’s... It’s okay. I think I can do that. Just… Please, not today? I… I feel tired” The Android mumbled.

 

“Of course. We don’t need to hurry” Chris smiled at the android. He went to escort it away.

 

“Everything will be alright,” He said before they left the room.

 

The android was going to get away with murder. It killed a human in cold blood, and it was going to be let go because the errors in its software were treated as real emotions. It was beyond fucked up. Gavin just didn’t understand. _Why is it so easy for androids?_

Hank left the room. He was grumbling something about going out for a drink. As the door shut, Gavin looked at Connor once more. It was still looking down. It seemed to be deep in its thoughts. _Can androids even think? Of course not. They're machines._

 

“I DoN’t WaNt To DiE” Gavin sneered. “What a fucking joke. ‘ndroids don’t feel that shit. Fucking liar, tryinna get away with murder like a fucking martyr” Gavin frowned as he mumbled.

 

“That’s not true. He was being abused. It was clearly self-defence.” Connor said quietly.

 

“Machines don’t feel shit. Why the fuck would it be upset?” Gavin laughed.

 

“I know! It still feels horrible whether you physically feel it or not” Connor snapped. He was getting upset. _You’re not wrong_ , Gavin thought. He frowned slightly. _It does feel horrible. It’s absolutely unbearable. It makes one feel defenceless like a child._

 

“Are you alright, detective Reed?”

 

“I.. Yeah, just shut the fuck up” Gavin cleared his throat and walked past Connor. From the corner of his eye, he could see that it was staring at the interrogation room. _What the hell’s up with it?_

 

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

 

“Have any interesting cases lately?” Tina asked as she sipped her coffee.

 

“Same old shit. Just interrogated some tin can who murdered a human. Those fuckers are gonna let it go. Apparently, murder is self-defence now…” Gavin sighed. His blood was still boiling hot.

 

“Self defence, eh? Don’t tell me that the owner was hitting it and then all of a suddenly the little shit decided that it had emotions or some bullshit?”

 

“Exactly. Gotta say, it was good at pretending. Almost believed it…” Gavin snorted.

 

“They are so cruel. Forcing us to help androids. It almost makes me wanna resign” Tina said.

 

“Don’t you fucking dare. You’re the only half decent human here. Sure there is Ben, but he’s a big ‘ol cunt”, Gavin laughed, “Our dear plastic detective looked like it was ‘bout to cry.”

 

“Please tell me that you showed it its place,” Tina said.

 

Gavin paused.

He did say some nasty shit to it, but he didn’t truly taunt it. He was left wondering why he held off. _‘it still feels terrible whether you physically feel it or not’_ . Gavin didn’t want to admit it, but that made him think. He knew fully well that we don’t cry because being hit hurts. _We cry because we feel abandoned and unloved._ Gavin was ready to believe that androids feel errors. Not real emotions. A small voice in his head was saying that the error could still truly hurt. The android didn’t have the physical pain to mask the ‘feelings’. Gavin couldn’t tell why he felt uncomfortable all of a sudden. He didn’t want to pity it. He couldn’t deny that not having the physical pain to distract from the emotional one had to feel like hell on earth.

 

“Uhm, yeah, of course,” Gavin said awkwardly. He had almost forgotten that Tina was there. He wanted to slap himself across the cheek. He shouldn’t even be thinking about the possibility. _Androids were machines and machines don’t feel anything. Machines don’t feel. They don’t feel. They never felt and never will,_ Gavin reminded himself. He decided that he would go find Connor and remind himself why he hated androids.

 

He glanced at Tina before leaving. She shook her head, looking like a disappointed mother. The one thing he hated about working as a detective was that everyone instantly knew if someone lied or was uncertain. He looked down. He hated seeing Tina doubt him. She was the closest thing he had to a friend after all.

 

_They say it won't be hard, they can't see the battles in my heart_

_But when I turn away_

_The demons seem to stay_

_'Cause inner demons don't play well with angels_

_They cheat and lie and steal and break and bruise_

_Angels please protect me from these rebels_

_This is a battle I don't want to lose_

 

Gavin found Connor in the bathroom. It was washing its face.

 

“‘Fuck are you doing, tin can?”

 

Connor looked up at him. Its chocolate brown eyes caught Gavin. They looked almost sad.

 

“What do you want?” Connor asked. His voice sounded lazy and strained. Gavin had never seen it act like this. Maybe he should inform Hank that his plastic asshole is broken. Gavin clenched his fist.

 

“You said that it still hurts even if you don’t feel the punches. I won’t get into trouble for hurting your _feelings_ ” Gavin said as he stepped closer. His logic made no sense and he knew it, at that point however, he was ready to believe anything as long as he could spew out all of the anger in him. Tina’s face flashed in his mind again. Her disappointment was infuriating. He gritted his teeth.

 

Connor’s eyes widened with something that Gavin couldn’t quite name. He smiled to himself. It felt strangely nice to be the one in control. It almost made him understand why people insist on abusing each others. _Almost_.

 

“Need I remind you that I’ve already beaten you up once?” Connor asked sweetly.

 

“And this time will be different” He felt powerful, indestructible even. He pushed Connor back. Its back hit the wall gently. 

 

“Gavin, just stop. I’ll tell Fowler if you don’t!” Connor said. His voice got louder and more determined.

 

Gavin paused. Not so long ago, it had made him coffee. Now it was actually defending itself. He could understand why it had done so back in the archive room, but now? It made no sense. _What the fuck does it want? Androids don’t want anything._ There was no doubt in Gavin’s heart that it would tell Hank, who would most likely kill him, and worst of all, he would tell Fowler and Gavin would lose his job. He couldn’t risk that. Could he?

Connor was still staring at him. Probably wondering whether he should expect a fist to the face or not. It was a machine and machines don’t feel, and yet the small voice in Gavin’s head told him it’s wrong. He brushed it off.

 

“Go on. Tell him. He doesn’t give a shit about you. Fowler won’t do shit. Everyone might act all nice to you now, but the truth is that no cares about you” Gavin stood forward so Connor had no way of walking away. “Even your precious Hank doesn’t give a shit. He’s just tryinna play pretend. He hates androids as much as I do. He’ll never love you.”

 

Gavin closed his eyes and sighed. Saying that had made him feel better. It was like a weight that he didn’t know was there had been lifted up. _He’ll never love you._  Saying it made him feel lighter at heart. There was no way that Hank could actually care. It was just a big game for him. One day he would get drunk and Connor would never be heard of. No one would look for it. Hank would ‘mourn’ the loss of his _dear_ ‘son’. That’s how it always went. It will always end up like that. Gavin just knew it.

He looked back at Connor and paused. It had tears running down its cheek. Its hands were visibly shaking and its head was lower than before.

 

“You’re lying,” It said. It’s voice was breaking like glass. Androids didn’t need to breathe and yet it was taking deep breaths, as if to calm itself. It wiped the tears away with hurried motion.

 

“you’re lying…” It whispered, sobbing quietly and yet Gavin heard it. He was lost for words.

 

“He loves me. He’s like a father to me. Fathers love their sons. I know that!” Connor nearly yelled the last part. It pushed past Gavin.

 

“Don’t ever try to tell me otherwise” Was the last thing Gavin heard before the door closed.

 

Gavin hadn’t even noticed his jaw dropping. Confusion. Connor cried. Artificial tears or not, they were still tears and tears are a sign of sadness. He had never seen an android cry. It looked so… _real_. It was so human it shook him to the core. The sound of its sobbing made Gavin’s heart ache. He had heard that kind of sound too many times before. It was desperate. He knew exactly how the heart had to sting to let out that sound. Breathing would be hard. It felt like drowning even though there was no water filling up your lungs.

Gavin let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. A small whimper came out with it. He splashed water on his face. It didn’t seem to ease him at all. He looked at himself in the mirror. He felt like he was looking at a strangers face. Those lips and that nose didn’t look like they belonged to him. His eyes didn’t look like his. Those eyes belonged to an abusive man with no reason to live. He was desperate to feel like he mattered, desperate for any type of control, whatever the cost.

The image of Connor in tears came back. For a brief moment, its face reminded Gavin of someone who he used to know.

 

_So angels, angels please keep on fighting_

_Angels don't give up on me today_

_'Cause the demons they are there, they just keep biting_

_'Cause inner demons just won't go away_

_So angels please, hear my prayer_

_Life is pain, life's not fair_

_So angels please, please stay here_

_Take the pain, take the fear_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the slow start. I gotta sow some doubts into Gavin. I promise that from the next chapter on, the story will start going forward more.


	4. Titanium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Titanium by David Guetta ft. Sia
> 
> This chapter contains some pretty heavy descriptives of violence and themes of sexual assault. Reader beware. I've added some hotline numbers to the notes at the end. Y'all are all tough and can make it through this shit. I've added warnings to the parts so you can skip them and still read the chapter. Just be cautious. I tried to write this in a way that wouldn't offend anyone. 
> 
> I also have a Tumblr if any of you wanna dm me about the story or something else. Y'all can also rant to me. 
> 
> https://rediceaddict.tumblr.com/

_You shout it out_

_But I can't hear a word you say_

_I'm talking loud not saying much_

_I'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet_

_You shoot me down, but I get up_

 

“Reed! Chen! Connor and Hank! Get your asses over here! Now!” Fowler called out. His voice was a dead giveaway that he was tense.

 

“Fuck does he want with us?” Tina groaned. Gavin wanted to run away and hide. He loved his job more than he did himself. He didn’t want to have to work with Connor though. He look over to Hank. He seemed to be just as mad as he was. Fowler was definitely trying to cause a homicide. If they would work together, one would end up with a black eye. Or worse. Definitely worse.

 

Within a few minutes they were all standing in front of Fowler. Tina and Hank had their arms crossed. Gavin tried to look comfortable. He didn’t want Fowler to know that he wasn't looking forward to working with them. He looked over to Connor. It was smiling like an idiot. _How can it be so happy after what happened? Was I just dreaming yesterday? Fuck, I wish it would be like that._

 

“We just got an anonymous tip to go check out an abandoned slaughterhouse. The tip suggested that a group was kidnapping androids and bringing them there. If it’s true, we could be dealing with something huge. I want all four of you to check out the place” Fowler said.

 

“Why the fuck should all of us go? It could be just a waste of time. Don’t we have better things to do thank check out a random anonymous tips?” Tina asked, throwing her hands around. She seemed to be mildly annoyed. Gavin couldn’t blame her.

 

“Normally I would agree, but if it is for real, it would be of great importance if we dealt with it as soon as possible. We will show the public that Detroit police won’t tolerate any violence towards androids” Fowler explained.

 

Gavin saw Hanks face twist. It looked like he was about to say something but Fowler cut him off: “Don’t test me today, Hank. I know you don’t want to work with them and I won’t listen to your bitching. Just do your fucking job. If this shit is legit, Reed will lead the shit. Now go”.

 

Gavin knew that they had no place to argue. He wouldn’t have dared to do that even if Fowler was in a good mood. He just wanted to run away. Working with Hank and especially Connor was the last thing he wanted to do.

Tina gave Gavin the look of despair when their eyes met. He rolled his eyes and groaned.

 

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

 

_I'm bulletproof nothing to lose_

_Fire away, fire away_

_Ricochet, you take your aim_

_Fire away, fire away_

_You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium_

_You shoot me down but I won't fall_

_I am titanium, I am titanium, I am titanium, I am titanium_

 

The car ride was quiet. Thankfully Hank had insisted on them taking two cars. It meant that Gavin didn’t need spend that much time with them. He could also complain about the situation to Tina. He smiled.

 

“This shit is a waste of time” Tina sneered.

 

Gavin sighed. He wished that he could just go back to doing normal cases. He didn’t want to help androids. It was only a matter of time he would be replaced by one. Still, he didn’t also want to risk losing his job. At this point he didn’t know if he hated androids more than he loved being a detective. _Then again, having my own case? Might as well tolerate this shit..._

 

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

 

The slaughterhouse was a mess. It was on the edge of a great forest. The cars in front of it were all rusty and broken down. Gavin had taken his gun just in case. Tina had left hers in the car. There was a massive lock on the door. He noted that it looked new.

 

“This slaughterhouse has been closed for over thirty years and yet the lock is brand new. Someone’s been here recently” Connor said. It sounded almost smug. _Fucking smart ass. Everyone with half a brain can figure that out_ , Gavin wanted to say. He didn’t want to anger Hank though.

 

Tina came back from the car with a crowbar. She hauled the door open. They went inside. Gavin was hit with the musty air and it made him want to barf out his lunch. Sure, the air was full of shit, but he could tell that it wasn’t as bad as it should’ve been. The place was due for demolishing and no one should’ve been there and yet the air was breathable.

 

“You okay, Connor?” Hank asked. Gavin looked back. Connor’s eyes were blown wide. It seemed almost scared.

 

“There’s.. so much blue blood. You can’t see it but it’s covering the walls and floor” Connor said. Its voice was shaking.

 

The corridor was dusty. Hank went out to check the record office. Gavin and Tina went to the slaughtering area. Connor stayed behind.

 

(Graphic descriptives of violence ahead. Please be cautious about reading this part if you’re a sensitive bean <3)

 

_Cut me down_

_But it's you who has further to fall_

_Ghost town, haunted love_

_Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones_

_I'm talking loud not saying much_

 

When they opened the big metal doors that led to where the slaughtering happened, Gavin nearly choked. The scene unfolding in front of him was unlike anything he had seen before. Several androids were hanging from the meat hooks. The hooks were pushed under the chin and the peak came out of their mouths. He could see the blue blood dripping from their mouth. The hands were tied behind their backs with rope.

They were stripped naked and some of them were full of burn marks and cuts. One of the androids was entirely burnt and its facial features were unrecognizable. Few of the android’s had white substance dripping down their legs.

Gavin had done enough. He kneeled down and let the vomit come out. He liked coffee, but the taste of it now wasn’t particularly _nice_. His throat was sore and the hot puke burning was excruciating.

 

He heard Tina laughing faintly: “Too much for you?”.

 

“Fuck you” He mumbled wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

 

He went to the next part. It was the skinning room. He walked over to the huge slide. Android body pieces were scattered on it. It had legs, heads, hands, feet and pretty much everything you could think of. On a closer look, Gavin could tell that the parts weren't simply dislocated, they were ripped off. Some of their eyes were open. He could see the horror in their dead eyes. _These people were not pulling them apart to sell them._ Even Gavin couldn’t imagine doing something like this. He was too shocked to realize that the scene was making him almost feel bad for the androids.

He would stop before the stunning pen. The place would be cleaned out soon enough and he didn’t need to see everything in one go. He could just as easily inspect the pictures that will be taken. It would’ve been a thousand times easier.

 

Nothing in a million years could have prepared him for the sight that he was seeing. The bleeding room was full of children androids. Some of there were hanged by their feet, head upside down and others were hanged from their mouth. All of them were also stripped naked just like the adults. Their small faces looked miserable. Once Gavin saw more of the white stuff on the child androids, he sat down.

His head was buzzing. He had always thought that the children androids were terrifying, but now he couldn’t deny feeling sorry for them. Whoever did this might even be a worse human being than he was. He closed his eyes but could still see it. He shook his head and not so lightly slapped himself. Tries as he might, he could not get the picture of those children from his head. _Androids are machines_ , he tried to remind himself, almost desperate to believe it. _They don’t feel anything. They didn’t feel whatever was done to them. ‘It hurts whether you physically feel it or not’_ , Connor’s voice rung in his head. They felt errors, not real feelings.

 e opened his eyes to look at their faces again. The one in front of him had yellow hair that was on a French braid. Its green eyes were filled with something resembling fear and confusion. Gavin couldn’t help but to imagine what its last moments must have been like. Had it known what was being done to it? Did it know that it was fucked up? Did it cry? Or was it silent? Was it begging for mercy? Was it afraid?

 

 

(You may continue)

 

 

His mouth was still tasting like vomit, but at that point, the image in front of him was far worse.

He let out a small sob. There was no way that he was crying. A quick wipe over his cheeks proved him right. _Shock is a bitch._ He didn’t feel bad for the androids or anything. He knew they didn’t feel shit. He couldn’t, however, think of an excuse for why someone would go this far to merely prove a point. He shook his head. A part of his brain was telling him that the androids deserved this and another part was telling him that they didn’t.

He let out another strangled sound. Breathing was hard all of a sudden. _Androids aren’t alive. They can’t feel pain nor love. They were created to obey humans, nothing more. They started pretending to be alive and now human is simply punishing them for disobeying. There was nothing wrong with hurting a machine. Afterall, they don’t feel._ Gavin felt disgusted only because they looked like humans.

 

I'm bulletproof nothing to lose

Fire away, fire away

Ricochet, you take your aim

Fire away, fire away

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium, I am titanium

 

After a few minutes of calming down, he stood up and walked back to Tina. She was currently laughing her ass off.

 

“Are you a psychopath or some shit?” He had tried sounding sarcastic. From her face however he realized that he had been earnest.

 

“Just look at this shit. Can you honestly say that it doesn’t amuse you at all? They were butchered like animals” Tina sighed and walked away.

 

Gavin was left alone with his thoughts once more. _How can she laugh at this_ , he wondered. He and Tina had agreed on everything earlier. They had only ever spoken about their mutual hatred, but still. He didn’t know why the scene had got to him. He knew what crime scenes were like. He had seen so many of them. There was just something about it. For the first time, he could truly _see_ machines being clearly treated inhumanely. Gavin was a mess of disbelief and doubt. Every fiber of his being was telling him to stop sympathizing with the machines. He wasn’t like this. He hated androids and yet he couldn’t help but pity them. Gavin hated androids. Because of them, he would soon lose his job. Because of them, he would wound up like his own father. The idea filled his mind with horror.

 

He heard Hank mutter something behind him.  

 

“Is it crying?! How fucking pathetic” Tina sneered.

 

Gavin looked back at them. Connor was in tears. This time, however, it didn’t sob. It was completely and utterly silent. Gavin looked down. He wanted to be happy about seeing Connor in pain. He wanted to laugh with Tina about it. These errors were fucking intense. _If it hurts so badly, why won’t Connor just get it fixed or something? Surely living with no emotion would be more comfortable._ Gavin would sign up for that if he could.

 

“Shut the fuck up, you little bitch” Hank said. His voice was oddly calm. Gavin knew not to mistake it for peacefulness. That type of voice only comes from a person who is ready to crack some skulls.

 

“C’mon Con, let’s go back” Hank said as he grabbed Connor’s hand to pull him back. The android didn’t even budge. Gavin couldn’t see anything in Connor’s eyes. Usually he could see right through it, but now it was different. That blankness scared him. He had only seen that once in his life. A small part of him was tugging him to wrap his arms around the pathetic sight in front of him. He wanted to reach out and make sure that the past didn’t repeat itself. He wanted to jump in front of the bullet make sure that his doubts would stay in the dark. He was brought back on earth by Tina tapping his shoulder.

 

“Look at that little bitch. Isn’t it absolutely pathetic?” She asked. He could hear her voice waver. A small flash or relief rant through him. She was also human and he wasn't the only one taken aback.

 

“Absolutely” Gavin answered without thinking. His voice didn’t sound like it belonged to him. At that moment he felt like the worst living shit out there and at the same time he was proud to have proven to Tina that he still hated androids.

 

Connor looked at him with those puppy eyes. It was as if it was begging for him to take everything back. He could never do that. The past can’t be erased and he doesn’t want to. Gavin frowned. He was yet again reminded of why he hates androids. Connor’s face was near perfect. He looked like a fucking Ken doll. The only thing resembling a flaw on its face were the freckles and even they looked good on it. It was unfair.

They walked towards the front door when Gavin heard something. The sound resembled a small pot being knocked over.

 

“Tina, wait” He whispered.

 

“What?” Tina asked. Annoyance was evident in her voice.

 

“I think I heard something” Gavin said without looking at her. He walked towards the bathroom where he thought the sound came from. He heard Tina call out to Hank and Connor to come back.

 

Gavin took out his gun and opened the door, ready to shoot. If it was one of the criminals, he wouldn’t hesitate to shoot. Fowler probably wouldn’t approve of that so he decided to hold off. The door creaked open slowly. When no one lunged at him, Gavin stepped inside.

There was a small woman that that was curled up in a ball on the floor. She was only wearing white panties and shoes. There indeed was a small cup on the floor. It had shattered into tiny pieces.

 

“Hey, are you hurt?” Gavin asked, lowering his gun. There was absolutely no way that this woman could do something like that to the androids.

 

The woman raised her head to look at him. To his shock, Gavin could see a yellow led flashing on its head. It was an android. For a brief second, Gavin wanted to smack himself for being worried about a fucking android. Before he could partake in any self-violence, Hank and Connor came in.

 

“Oh shit. Gavin get the fuck out of here. Connor and I will handle her” Hank snapped.

 

“What? Don’t think I’m capable of dealing with a tin can like this?” Gavin asked. He felt his face flush with anger.

 

“Detective Reed, I would advise that you leave this to us. The woman’s stress level indicates that there is a high possibility that she will self destr-”

 

“Fuck off, you fucking piece of shit” Gavin cut him off. He waited for them to go away, but they stayed still. Gavin grimaced. He could tell that it was a small but sure step to him being replaced. He was after all, fully capable of interrogation. He walked back to Tina.

 

“Glad you came back to your senses. I was worried that you felt bad for them for a second” Tina said with a smile on her face.

 

Gavin smirked. _Let it self-destruct for all I care. We all know what happened here_ …

 

A few minutes later Hank escorted the android woman outside. Connor followed him like a puppy. Connor was like Hank’s shadow. Hank seemed to have given his jacket to the android. The android sat on the police car. Hank stood next to it. Gavin closed the door of the slaughterhouse behind them.

 

“Can you tell us what happened out there?” Connor asked, leaning forward. Everything about its demeanor was soft.

 

The android was silent. It looked at the ground like a zombie.

 

Tina sneered: “This is a waste of our fucking time”.

 

“Look, I understand that what you went through must have been like Hell. We just need some information on those who did this so we can catch them” Connor said quietly. For a brief second Gavin was impressed by how human it sounded. He wasn’t surprised that CyberLife had given Connor a sympathy program. _They always thought of everything._

 

“I walking my owner and her child android” The android started. Gavin’s eyes widened. “Then we were mugged. I suppose that we were temporarily shut down. When we woke up… We were there” It stopped.

 

“Did you see their faces?”

 

“No. I think my eyes were covered with something. Did you see the little girl that was with me? She had yellow hair and green eyes. I’m worried about her. I heard some screaming when I woke up but I didn’t know who it was” The android said. Gavin’s breath caught in his throat. he cleared his throat and looked away. He could almost feel Hank’s intense gaze on him.

 

“I’m sorry. We didn’t see her” Connor said. It was a lie. Gavin had seen what had happened to it. He wished that he could unsee it. Even if it was an android, Gavin couldn’t see how humans could hurt someone resembling a child. He knew that humans were the cruelest species ever to walk the earth. He had seen how evil they can be. He had felt it, and yet he still didn’t understand.

 

“Why were you in the bathroom?” Hank asked. The android tensed visibly.

 

“A woman brought me there. I didn’t recognize her voice. She...“ It stopped speaking again.

 

“You can talk to us. Everything you say will be kept confidential between us. We just need the facts that we can take this case further. We want to bring those who did this to justice. You have nothing to be ashamed of” Connor reassured.

 

The android shook its head and let out a sob. It looked away. Gavin could see the all too familiar numbness in its eyes.

 

“They took away our dignity. We didn’t see what was going on. I know that androids don’t feel pain, but… It hurt. It hurt and yet I didn’t feel it when they… touched us. They said such… awful things. They told us that we were created just to obey man and that we should do whatever they asked us to. For a moment, _I believed them_ … I… I still hear the screaming. When they had all left, I… I wished that they had killed me as well”

 

Everyone stayed quiet for a good moment. The android woman continued staring off into the abyss. Connor looked like he was about to cry again. Gavin felt his stomach twist. He looked over to Hank. All of his usual grumpiness seemed to have disappeared. For a brief second, Hank didn’t look like his usual scary self. He looked like a man that had seen something he would do anything to forget. Maybe he had. Gavin only knew that he wanted Hank to return to his normal state. This wasn’t the angry calmness Gavin had seen in him earlier. This Hank simply seemed to lack any form of emotion. He didn’t look disgusted at the androids story. He didn’t look happy. He looked wrong in every possible way. Gavin almost wanted to punch him just to see any form of reaction.

 

Connor’s words kept on ringing in his head. _‘It still hurts whether you physically feel it or not’_.

 

_Stone-hard, machine gun_

_Firing at the ones who run_

_Stone-hard, thus bulletproof glass_

_You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium_

_You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium_

_You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium_

_You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium_

_I am titanium_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> America: 800 656 4673  
> HealthLink BC: 811 or 711 for hearing impaired  
> VictimLink: 1-800-563-0808  
> WAVAW rape crisis center: 1-877-392-7583  
> UK: 0808 800 5000  
> WomenAgainstRape: 0808 801 0818  
> Specifically for men: 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30 & 7-9.30)
> 
> Here are also some websites:
> 
> https://rapecrisis.org.za/
> 
> http://www.nswrapecrisis.com.au/ for Australia
> 
> https://sascottawa.com/ this is great if you're lgbtq+ or something like that
> 
> https://www.7cups.com/ this is also great
> 
> Here's a little John Green quote: 
> 
> "Those awful things are survivable because we are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be"


	5. Broken roots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are no trigger warnings on this one. 
> 
> Song: Broken Roots by Michl

_Blank faces_

_Here we are staring at these_

_Blank pages_

_How did the plans we drew_

_Disappear in thin air?_

 

Connor smiled at the small box on his work table. He had ordered a statuette of Hachiko after the slaughterhouse case. He had asked Hank why exactly he adopted Sumo. Hank had told him that he saw the Hachiko movie and it had inspired him to adopt a dog. He had fostered dogs for a long time. He had to stop when he settled down and had Cole. After his death, he started missing having someone around so he ran to the local shelter and found Sumo. Back them Sumo had been just a scrawny little puppy. He had been saved from a puppy mill but his siblings and mother didn’t make it. Hank had decided to adopt him.

Hank wanted to show Connor the movie. At first, Connor didn’t understand why he had insisted on keeping a box of tissues at hand. He soon came to realize why when he saw Hachiko waiting in the train station. Hank tried to hide his tears by drinking. He even tried to blame it on dog hairs. Connor loved dogs and the movie was just the best worst thing to show him. When it was all over, Hank and he showered Sumo with affection.

Connor opened the box and took the statuette out. It was smaller than he expected. It was a copy of the real statue of Hachiko on Japan. It even had a text written in Kanji on it. he translated it to say ‘Faithful dog Hachiko’. For Connor, Hachiko was a symbol of unconditional love. For nine years the faithful dog waited for his owner to come back. Connor wasn’t surprised that a dog showed more love than most humans.

The image of the slaughterhouse came into his mind. He had tried to forget about it. No one had heard any updates on the case and Connor was hoping that it was the end of it. He was surprised to find that Gavin didn't seem happy about it either. He had expected the detective to be ecstatic about not having to investigate the case.

Connor moved the statuette next to the flower Wilson had given him. His blank and empty table was starting to feel like home. He had covered the owl drawing with a plastic coating to keep it clean and Hank had bought him a frame for it.

 

It was his first lunch break of the day. He wished that androids would taste the food. They could eat however but it wasn’t the same without the taste. He would have to speak to Markus about it. He hadn’t spoken to him in a while. Markus was so busy with all the legal battles going on. Connor thought that giving androids some kind of update that would let them feel more things like humans would be a big step for them.

Connor felt a strange longing in his metallic heart. He wished that he could feel the warmth of coffee, the pain of being cut and everything in between. Connor knew that it was possible with a little help. He just felt so hopeless. He watched as Chris burnt his tongue by not letting his coffee cool down enough. He had yelped. Connor wished that he could also do that. He wanted to feel things just like everyone else.

He pinched his arm. Nothing. Not even a tickle. _I am alive and yet I don’t feel_ _like it._ He had his own table and place in the world just like everyone else and yet he was an outsider. Could he ever be like everyone else? Was there anything that could ever help him?

He felt a strange tugging sensation in his stomach. It was hopelessness. It was eating away at him. _If being different is a blessing, why did it have to hurt so much?_ So many people would happily throw away their ability to feel pain and yet here Connor was, hoping to feel it. He wanted to know what it was like. He knew emotional pain well enough. He just had no idea what being actually hurt felt like.

 

“Yo’, Dipshit! C’mon, Fowler wants us to go check out some fucking apartment!” Gavin’s familiar voice called out.

 

“What’s this all about?” Connor asked when he was snapped back from his thoughts.

 

“We got an anonymous tip on a few suspects. Ya know, in the slaughterhouse case, you coming or not?”

 

Connor looked away. He didn’t want to do this. It wasn’t so much about working with Gavin anymore, it was more about the possibility of seeing the people who did it. The idea of being face to face with them scared Connor. He noticed that his heart rate was rising. He concluded that it was anxiety. He tried to push it away.

Gavin and he walked towards the exit. He looked uncomfortable.

 

“Where the fuck are you two going?” Hank called out.

 

“We got a case in the slaughterhouse thing” Connor answered. He had tried not to show how anxious he was, but Hank didn’t look impressed.

 

“You sure you should be going there? Can’t they send someone else?” Hank asked.

 

Connor shrugged.

 

_Now all that's left are_

_Two blank faces_

_I know we let gold fade to black_

_Give me time enough to bring us back_

 

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

 

The silence in the car was suffocating. Connor had almost expected Gavin to be at his throat but he was focussed on the road. It gave Connor a chance to take a closer look at him. Ever since coming to DPD he hadn’t truly had a chance to analyze Gavin properly. Every time they got close, he would snap at him or push him around, usually both. Connor decided since they would both be working on this case, they should probably get to know each other better. It might be a lost cause.

 

Sync in process…

Sync done…

Collecting data…

Processing data…

 

Detective Reed, Gavin

 

Born: 07/10/2002

Criminal record: None

 

Nothing surprising there. He was 36 years old. By that age, Hank had already made quite the name for himself in the DPD. Was that why Gavin disliked him so much? Connor looked at the scar on his nose. He had never heard Gavin tell anyone where he got it. Connor had done some research and he found that men sometimes like to tell stories about how they got certain scars as a way to appear ‘macho’.

 

“Detective Reed, may I ask you a personal question?” he asked.

 

“Fuck do you want?” Connor took that as a yes.

 

“How did you get that scar on your nose?”

 

Gavin’s heart rate went up significantly. His face appeared a bit flustered. Connor could easily deduce that he was uncomfortable. He had expected Gavin to proudly share the story, not be embarrassed by it. _Is it even embarrassment? Is that story too personal? Perhaps the scar came from something extremely awkward._

 

“Fuck, just.... don’t fucking… it’s not important. Just some fucking boring ass accident in middle school” Their relationship decreased a little.

 

Gavin was lying. Even if being a real life lie detector wasn’t in Connor’s programming, he could have seen through it from a mile away. His heart rate had been too fast, he hadn’t looked at Connor when he said it, and his stuttering was a dead give away. Connor could tell that pointing it out wouldn’t benefit their relationship. He decided to leave it alone for now.

Gavin seemed to have sped up. Hank would do that whenever he was upset. The scar was clearly a touchy subject with him. Connor took note of that since he didn’t want to upset him anymore. Cole was Hank’s taboo and the scar was Gavin’s. Maybe with time, Connor would find out where it came from, but he decided to leave it up to Gavin.

In some level, Connor almost hoped to find out more about Gavin. He was an intriguing character. He hated androids with passion. It was the type of hatred that Connor had never seen before. Gavin seemed almost desperate to show Connor just how much he despised him. He had once asked Hank about it. Hank had assumed that Gavin was just jealous of Connor’s detective skills. Connor had no doubt that it was a part of it. He also had a feeling that there was a lot more going on.

Connor couldn’t stand Gavin most of the time. He was rude and arrogant. He would dehumanize Connor most of the time. On the surface, there was little to like in him. Connor had thought the same of Hank when they started working together and he knew that humans were more complicated than that. People don’t despise each other without reason. Sure the reason may be vain and senseless, but it’s still a reason. Gavin was a mystery and Connor wanted to unravel him.

 

_'Cause I've been pouring my whole life in you_

_Trying to resurrect the love we grew_

_Yeah, we're both confused_

_But I'll keep pouring my whole life into_

_These broken roots_

 

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

 

The apartment was on the fourth wall. Gavin had complained like a child when they found out that the elevator wasn’t working. The androids who were supposed to be fixing it had resigned after the revolution and no one had gotten to fixing it yet.

 

“Using the stairs will be good for your health, detective Reed” Connor pointed out.

 

“Are you saying that I’m out of shape?” Gavin asked.

 

Connor had simply meant that walking was the healthier option. He took a moment to look over Gavin. He was _definitely_ not out of shape. Gavin may have been an ‘asshole’ but no one could say that he didn’t look good. Connor felt strange as he observed the detective. He had broad shoulders and Connor could see the not-so-faint outline of his abs through the v-neck shirt.

 

“Yo, my eyes are up here” Gavin snapped his fingers.

 

Strangely enough, Gavin didn’t complain while walking the stairs. He did let out mumbled curse words here and there. They reached the fourth floor. Connor knocked on the door. it was the last one on the floor.

 

“Anybody home? It’s Detroit police, open up!” Connor called out.

 

No answer. He could hear muffled footsteps from inside. Gavin seemed to have noticed them as well. No one opened the door, however.

 

“Open the fucking door or I’ll break it down!” Gavin yelled.

 

Connor wanted to point out that they couldn’t do that without a warrant. He decided not to. After a while, the door opened. A man, probably in his late twenties stood behind it. He had strawberry red hair that was on a bun. Next to him stood a taller man whose head was shaven. He had a bunch of tattoos on it. The bald man was the one the anonymous tip had described.

 

“We have reason to believe that you have been involved in an android brutalizing case. We just need to ask you some ques-” Connor paused when he realized that the red-haired man wasn’t paying attention. He and Gavin were staring at each other. Gavin looked almost like he had seen a ghost.

 

“Do you know him?” Connor asked. He was genuinely curious. Gavin stayed silent.

 

Connor scanned the red-haired man.

 

Date of birth: 14/03/2010

Lawrence, Anthony

Criminal record: Aggravated assault

 

“It’s been a while, Gav” Anthony smiled. The two of them must have known each other well for him to use a nickname. He stepped forward but Gavin stepped back.

 

“Fuck you, Anthony” he mumbled.

 

Connor tilted his head. The two obviously knew each other and Connor didn’t like the tension between them. He looked at the bald man and scanned him.

 

Date of birth: 26/06/1994

Hawkins, Benjamin

Criminal record: Aggravated assault, Possession of illegal firearm

 

“We need to ask you some questions,” Connor said.

 

Benjamin nodded and stepped back. Connor pulled Gavin in by the arm. Strangely enough, he didn’t fight back.

 

“So, found yourself a plastic boyfriend. I guess I should feel insulted” Anthony sneered. Connor could see that Gavin was gritting his teeth. Connor didn’t have time to think about what Anthony had said when Benjamin led them to the couch.

 

Gavin sat on the other side of the couch. It almost seemed like he wanted to desperate show how much he hated Connor. _He is like a child about to throw a tantrum. Which is strangely endearing_ , Connor thought.

 

“So, how may I help?” Benjamin asked. He had brought some coffee from the kitchen. Connor noted that his heart rate was higher than optimal.

 

“We got an anonymous tip of your involvement in the murder and torture of over 70 androids in a slaughterhouse on the edge of the Detroit” Benjamins heart rate went up higher.

 

“I sense that your heart rate has gone higher. Is there something wrong?”

 

Benjamin glanced at Anthony before clearing his throat.

 

“I can’t believe that your working with an android. Tell me, _sweetheart_ , does it suck you off when you get lonely?” Anthony wasn’t paying any attention to the questions. He leaned forward and almost whispered: “Is it better than I was?”

 

 _Oh. Anthony must be Gavin’s ex._ Hank would have no doubt called this scenario ‘awkward’. Connor looked over at Gavin. His face was red, possibly from embarrassment or anger. Maybe both.

 

“Very funny. Just answer the fucking question” Gavin spat.

 

“Yes. We were there” Anthony said. He sounded almost absentmindedly. The same couldn’t be said for Benjamin who looked mortified. “It was quite the party. You shoulda seen how pathetic those plastic fucks where” Anthony looked at Connor and smiled “I think you woulda liked the sight”

 

“You admit that you two were there?” Gavin asked. His face was full of confusion. Connor supposed that his face was the same. _Why would they confess so easily?_ All of the colors had left Benjamin’s face.

 

“Yeah. The guys are gonna take a small break since we were found out, but they should hold another ceremony soon enough. Wanna join us? I know you do. We could even play with that plastic pet of your” Anthony nodded towards Connor.

 

Gavin stayed silent for a moment. Connor felt his face twist in horror. Was he actually considering it? The three of them might just be able to overpower him. They could come up with an alibi. The image of those androids being hanged from the meat hooks came onto his mind. He didn’t want to end up like that. Connor’s breath hitched in his throat. Just a while back he had thought that Gavin and he could end up being friends, and now he was afraid of all the things that the detective could do to hurt him. How could he have been so stupid? All Gavin has ever done was humiliate and abuse him. There had to be a way out. The front door was out of the question. They were too high for him to safely jump out the window. Begging wouldn’t do him any good. He could call for backu-

 

“No. You’re under arrest for the kidnapping, torture, and murder of the 74 andr-”

 

Benjamin had lunged forward and punched Gavin across the jaw. Connor pulled out his gun and pointed it at him. Before he could shoot, Anthony pushed him against the kitchen table. He tried to wrestle the gun away. Connor kicked him in the groin. Anthony leaned forward in pain and Connor’s knee landed on his jaw, knocking him over. His kick was hard and he was knocked out.

Connor looked over to Gavin to see if he needed any help. He had Benjamin pinned on the floor with his hands behind his back. He was already cuffing him. Connor noticed that one of his arms was broken. He shouldn’t be surprised that Reed could handle himself so well.

 

“FUCK YOU ANTHONY!” Benjamin yelled.

 

“Fuck Anthony, indeed” Gavin almost growled.

 

_Frustrated_

_We feel the cracks within our_

_Foundation_

_That's why I'm digging every_

_Day and night_

_Night and day_

_Swear I won't stop_

_So please keep waiting_

 

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

 

Benjamin was taken to the hospital so his arm could be fixed. Anthony was currently sitting on the interrogation table. Hank, Connor, and Gavin were watching Tina attempt to interrogate him.

 

“Look, girl, no offense, but I wanna talk to Gavin” Anthony demanded with a smile.

 

“You’re in no position to make requests,” Tina said. She seemed mad.

 

“You know him or some shit?” Hank asked.

 

Gavin didn’t answer. His face did redden a little. _Why should he be embarrassed? Anthony is only his ex. Surely there wasn’t anything weird about that…_

 

“Hank, I believe that they used to be together,” Connor said. He just didn’t get it.

 

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” Gavin nearly yelled. It caught Connor by surprise. Their relationship decreased once more. 

 

“What do you mean?” Connor asked.

 

“You.. you can’t just out people like that. It’s not right!” Gavin’s face was red like a tomato.

 

Connor had no idea what ‘outing’ someone was. He had no idea why Gavin would be embarrassed by having had a significant other. Most people had at least one in their lifetime, so why was this any different? He would have to ask Hank about it later on…

 

“So, you swing that way, huh?” Hank laughed. He patted Gavin’s shoulder and said: “It’s okay, kid”.

 

“Fuck you. I’ll speak to him” Gavin said and walked to the interrogation room.

 

“Tina, get the hell outta here,” He said. Tina looked confused but stepped out.

 

“Look, we just have to get your confession on record so just repeat what you said back at the fucking apartment,” Gavin said. His voice lacked all of its usual confidence. He almost sounded tired.

 

“Sure, _darling_. Was I better at sucking your dick than that android?”

 

Hank and Tina burst out laughing. Strange. _I have never performed any sexual acts on Gavin and yet Anthony seems to assume that so. Why would he even be concerned whether which of us is better at it?_ Connor just didn’t understand.

 

“JUST” Gavin took a deep breath as if trying to calm himself down, “…tell us what you did there,” Gavin said.

 

“Fine. I didn’t kidnap any of the plastic fucks. I was only there breakin’ the damn things” Anthony sighed.

 

“We also found evidence of sexual assault on the androids. Do you admit to any of that?” Gavin inquired.

 

“You can’t assault a machine. They don’t feel shit so it doesn’t count!” Anthony said as he threw his arms to his sides.

 

Connor frowned. Hank patted his back. “Don’t listen to that asshole” he tried to reassure him. Connor nodded. he was surprised to find that Gavin was also frowning.

 

“Androids… are alive too… so, fuck, it counts”  Gavin seemed to be struggling. Connor couldn't quite determine if he was telling the truth or not.

 

“You woulda done the same. There’s no point in lying to _me_ ” Anthony winked.

 

Would Gavin do that? He did seem to hate androids more than anyone else. Connor’s breath hitched again. Every human had a conscience, except psychopaths but surely Gavin wasn’t one. He couldn’t do anything that cruel, could he? Connor didn’t want to believe it. Gavin had even chosen to ignore Anthony’s offer. He couldn’t be that bad!

 

“Fuck no I wouldn’t,” Gavin said.

 

Connor felt a flash of relief run through him when he deduced that Gavin was telling the truth.

 

In the end, Anthony told them the location of the next meeting. It was the next day.

 

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

 

_'Cause I've been pouring my whole life in you_

_Trying to resurrect the love we grew_

_Yeah, we're both confused_

_But I'll keep pouring my whole life into_

_These broken roots_

 

Connor watched as Gavin sipped his coffee in the breakroom with Tina.

 

“I almost feel bad for you,” Tina said. Connor felt something come ever him and he hid behind the corner. Eavesdropping wasn’t something he wanted to do, but he couldn’t help himself.

 

“Why the fuck?” Gavin mumbled.

 

“Having to say that androids are alive and shit. That had to be shit” Tina laughed.

 

Gavin stayed silent. Connor took a peek. He could see that the detective was nervous.

 

“Wait, you don’t think-” Tina started.

 

“Tina… Can you do me a favor and shut the fuck up about it?” Gavin said calmly. 

 

“But...” she protested.

 

“But what?” Gavin snapped. His heart rate had increased and his face was getting flustered.

 

“You’re such a pussy…” Tina said.

 

“Oh am I now? Back at that fucking slaughterhouse, didn’t you feel shit when you saw the fuckers like that? Huh?” Connor felt his breath hitch in his throat as he listened to Gavin's ranting.

 

“FUCK, of course, I felt something! but just because they look like us doesn’t mean they’re for real! Just what the hell is wrong with you?”

 

“Shit, nothing. Just fucking pissed about that asshole…” Gavin muttered.

 

“You mean Anthony?”

 

“Yeah…”

 

Connor was expecting Tina to offer Gavin some comforting words, after all, that’s what friends do. When she stayed silent, Connor frowned. He was by no means an expert in friendships, but the way she was acting indicated that they had none.

Tina stormed off after a while.

Connor went to Gavin. He felt an odd sensation of nervousness hit him.

 

“Gavin? I wanted to thank you” he said. He could hear his voice wavering.

 

“For what?” Gavin muttered. He wasn’t nearly as frustrated and hostile as Connor had expected. He wasn’t complaining.

 

“For not accepting Anthony’s offer,” Connor said. He felt strangely insecure.

 

“Wait, you seriously thought I’d take him up on it?” Gavin asked as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

 

“The idea crossed my mind” Connor blurted out. His vocal cords seemed to be malfunctioning.

 

“Fuck, I hate you but I wouldn’t do that shit” Gavin paused, as if in shock by what he had said. His heart rate was rising rapidly.

 

“I’m glad” Connor nearly yelped before running back to his desk.

 

_'Cause I've been pouring my whole life in you_

_Trying to resurrect the love we grew_

_Yeah, we're both confused_

_But I'll keep pouring my whole life into_

_These broken roots_


	6. Kill our way to heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Writing that one particular scene with Heather made me feel honestly so uncomfortable. I feel like I had to do it though because Gavin would need something extreme to shake his worldview. I shall copy and paste the hotline numbers from chapter four at the end. This chapter also has a trigger warning on some heavy non-con shit. Once again, I've made it so you can potentially skip reading that part. 
> 
> Song: Kill our way to heaven by Michl

_The dust in day, blinded slowly_   
_But give it into the view to make you feel alright_   
_And though it hurts, we keep on climbing_   
_'Cause our addiction takes us from inside_   
_A sturdy back but brittle bones_   
_Too weak to show_

 

_‘_ _Wanna join us? I know you do. We could even play with that plastic pet of yours’_

 

The image of Connor being hanged from a meat hook, naked and bruised. It made Gavin’s stomach twist. He couldn’t explain why he didn’t like that idea. A month ago he would have given almost anything to see it like that, but now, it felt different. It was almost repulsive. He looked over at Connor. It almost looked scared.

After they had the interrogation, Connor had said thanked him. Had it truly thought that he would say yes? Just how cruel did it think he was? Was Gavin just a ruthless brute in its eyes? He couldn’t get the events of yesterday off his head. He had always acted like a complete dick to everyone. It was true enough. He had never done anything as bad as Anthony and yet Connor had been afraid of it. Had he truly been that cruel?

‘Androids are alive too’ he had told Anthony. The words felt strange coming from him even though Gavin had come into terms with making compromises for his work. It was strange but not… _infuriating_. Saying it did feel like a huge blow to his ego. The infamous android hater number 1 was made to admit that the machines were alive. It was like a bad joke. He was made to work a case to stop the android brutality and worst of all, he truly wanted to find the culprits, not just for the sake of his job, but because he felt that they deserved to be punished.

How could a human act inhumanely towards a machine?

 

Gavin was starting to see it now.

 

“We’re here” Tina’s voice cut him back to reality. They had arrived at the long-abandoned farm. There were six police cars already there. They had been the last one to arrive.

 

“Ah, finally. Took your sweet time getting here” Ben scoffed as they got out of the car.

 

“What’s the plan?” Gavin asked. He didn’t want to waste any more time idling around. When you had a job to do, it was better to do it than to live in the fear of it. 

 

“I want you and Connor to sneak on in and see how many of them are there and if they’re armed. Connor will report back to us using whatever android magic it got. Needless to say, try not to get caught” Ben explained.

 

Gavin nodded. Connor didn’t look too happy. Gavin wasn’t sure if it was the situation or working with him.

The cowhouse was huge. They found a ladder and climbed on the attic. The small door was locked, but Gavin picked it open. The stale air hit his nose. It made him want to throw down his badge and start selling flowers. He pushed his random whims away and climbed inside. Connor followed him soon after.

The attic was small but big enough that they could almost stand. The floor creaked loudly under their feet, so they had to crouch down as not to make too much noise. The smell of mold and decay was strong. It was almost too much for Gavin. They could hear the faint sound of words being spoken from under them.

 

“Go on, brin’ it over there!”

 

“Ay, sir”

 

“They must be starting soon” Gavin whispered. When Connor didn’t respond, he looked back. It was staring down, as if in a trans. Gavin realized just how close they were. Their shoulders touching and Gavin could see the small freckles on its cheeks. He could feel its warmth radiating around them. The air was suffocating and somehow full of Connor. For a quick second, Gavin forgot all about the mission. He couldn’t see Connor’s LED and for a small fraction of time, it almost looked human.

 

“I’m sorry. Let’s continue” Connor whispered.

 

Gavin shook his head and they continued. A loud scream interrupted the silence. Both of them paused for a second. They looked at each other and continued. They got to a wooden door. Gavin assumed that they would have a better view if they went through. Connor nodded. Slowly but surely Gavin started to slide the door open. It creaked. Gavin cringed inwardly. Another scream. It sounded like it was coming from in front of them.

 

 **[Skip this part if you feel uncomfortable reading about sexual assault. This shit is heavy and if you feel even an ounce of** **doubt** **if you’re ready for it, SKIP IT. PLEASE!!!]**

 

The scene in front of them made Gavin gasp. A single android woman was standing on the platform where the cows would eat their food. Its hands and legs were pulled into an X position. The ropes were attached to each side of the platform. It was stripped naked and blindfolded with a scarf. There were men standing around it. Gavin counted there to be at least fifteen, not counting the once that he wouldn’t see from that position.

 

“Who wants to go next?” One of them asked. His back was facing them so Gavin couldn’t see the face.

 

The one next to him raised his hand. The others clapped. He walked in front of the android and unzipped his pants.

 

Gavin quickly pulled the door shut. He took a deep breath and tried to collect himself. He could hear the men clapping and cheering over the sound of the _woman_ crying. The cries made Gavin want to turn around and vomit.

 

**[you may continue]**

 

He looked over at Connor. Tears were running down its cheeks and its breath was labored. Its hands were shaking. The LED was burning red.

 

“Hey, hey! Connor, calm down. We gotta report back to them” Gavin whisper yelled.

 

It didn’t calm Connor down at all, instead, its breathing got louder and it seemed to have forgotten all about the mission. _The fuck am I going to do? It’s gonna give us away with that fucking sobbing! Is it having a panic attack or some shit?_ Gavin pushed his pride aside and took Connor’s hand in his own. It was surprisingly human. It was warm and soft. It didn’t feel like _plastic._

 

“Hush, look at me” Gavin whispered. Connor shook _his_ head. Gavin moved his hands to both sides of Connor’s face and made it look at him. “We have to make the report as soon as we can. It’s the only way we can save her” Connor sobbed louder this time.

 

“Did ya hear something?” Gavin heard one of the men say.

 

He put his hand over Connor’s mouth. “You gotta keep quiet for fuck sake” he tried to say as quiet as he could. Nothing seemed to be calming the android down. He took another look at Connor. It didn’t seem to know what to do with its hands. They were shaking and fumbling as if trying to hold onto something.

Gavin shook his head and pulled Connor into an awkward hug. Connor’s hands grabbed onto Gavin’s jacket, like a child afraid of being left alone. He buried his head on Gavin’s shoulder. Gavin wanted to thank God that it had muffled the sobbing. He awkwardly patted Connor’s back. He could feel the androids breathing slowing down. Its hands didn’t loosen up though.

 

“Think you can do the report now?”

 

Connor nodded against Gavin’s shoulder and pulled away. The LED flickered yellow. Connor took a few deep breaths and said: “They’re coming in”.

 

“Alright. You stay here” Gavin tried to stand up but Connor was still holding onto his jacket.

 

“You gotta let go of me,” Gavin said.

 

Connor nodded. Gavin stood up and took out his gun. He creaked the door open once more. Another man had moved in to assault the woman. All stopped when they heard the front door being kicked down.

 

“Shit! The pigs are here!” One of them yelled.

 

 

_We would say anything_   
_To see here when we won_   
_Right or wrong_   
_Then we love to be forgiven_   
_We would say anything_   
_Just to get by where we're now_   
_Any cards_   
_Oh we kill our way to heaven_   
_Oh we kill our way to heaven_

 

 

Gavin fired his gun at the one who was closest to the woman. The bullet hit him in the head, knocking him down instantly. In a matter of seconds, all of the men had pulled out their guns and were shooting. One man ran towards the woman with his gun pointed at her, probably making sure that they couldn’t access her memory. Gavin shot him before he could do anything. He felt a rush of relief as he watched the man’s body fall onto the rough floor. A few months back, Gavin may have been down there with the men. He didn’t want to admit it, but that was the truth.

He was vaguely aware that the woman never stopped crying. She sounded like a dying animal. Her screams echoed through Gavin’s mind as he continued shooting at the men. The sound of her voice shook something deep in his core. Was it guilt? Anger? Hate? Pity? He did not know. All he knew that seeing the men dead, every last of them, was the only thing that seemed to give him any sort of satisfaction at that moment. Their faces blurred into one. His ears were ringing. He couldn’t hear the sound of guns firing nor the men screaming. All he could hear was the woman and her cries.

 

Somewhere far away he could hear a voice whisper: _“It still hurts whether you physically feel it or not”._ _Damn Connor. Fuck the humans. Curse the whole world and make it disappear._ It dawned on him that he was more than willing to help that android. He wasn’t supposed to feel bad for it. It wasn’t meant to feel pain and Gavin yet Gavin wanted to save it.  _It or her,_ he wondered.  _Is there even a difference? It bleeds different color and it was made out of plastic and yet it cries like a human when it was being hurt._ Its tears might have been synthetic but Gavin could see that they weren’t any less sincere.

 

Thousands of crime scenes and none had ever hit him as hard as this one. He used to laugh at the bodies and make fun of the criminal's skills. Now he was on the verge of losing his mind. The rational part in him said not to shoot everyone. One had to survive for interrogation. His heart had a mind of its own, however.

Slowly but surely, all of the men fell down. The shots quieted down until it was silent. The woman had stopped crying. She let out pathetic sobs. Gavin dropped on a hay pile from the small interior balcony he was standing on. He heard the faint sound of some officers walking in. He paid no attention to them.

He took out his pocket knife. He knelt down and cut the ropes holding the woman’s legs in place and then the one on her hands. She fell down and Gavin caught her. She wrapped her hands around him and sobbed. The famous Gavin Reed, a shoulder to cry on. What a joke he had become. He took off his coat and wrapped it around her.

 

“Pl-please take this thing off” She cried.

 

Gavin realized that she was talking about the scarf. He undid the knot and let it fall on the floor. She opened her eyes and looked at him. Gavin shuddered. Her eyes were pouring into his soul, or that’s what it felt like. Her face was red from crying. To Gavin’s surprise, she tried to force a smile on her face. She held onto him tight and tried to whisper something. Gavin didn’t hear what she said.

 

“You alright?” he heard someone call out. The ringing in Gavin’s ears was starting to fade out.

 

He looked back and saw Hank running towards him with a few others.

 

“Holy shit” Hank mumbled. “Where the fuck is Connor?!” He nearly yelled.

 

“Up. He… a panic attack” Gavin managed to croak out. His voice was shaking. He was vaguely aware of the tears that were building up in his eyes. He shook his head. _Gavin Reed does not cry at crime scenes,_ he told himself. He looked up. There was a small hole in the roof. He could see the dark sky. _Huh, it’s evening already?_ He could see the stars forming. For the first time in a while, he felt calm. Peaceful even.

 

He was faintly aware of the others running around him, talking, yelling and checking if anyone was still alive. He could feel the woman’s ragged breathing against his neck. For just a while, he didn’t feel like the asshole he usually was. He felt like a small child, lost in the woods, alone. He could hear his father say: “Stay still and you won’t be hurt”. He stayed there, holding the woman and it still hurt.

The woman let out a strangled cry and one after another. He could hear Connor’s voice somewhere far away say: “Deviants also have a tendency to self-destruct if they’re in stressful situations”.

He didn’t know why, but the thought of the woman in his arms killing herself made him feel sick. He did know why. He just didn’t want to. She was made out of plastic and synthetic skin and he was afraid. She was like a lost child, looking for comfort, looking for anything to make her feel safe. The yells of the other officers weren’t helping. Gavin could hear the sound of police sirens. A small voice in his head told him that some had escaped and there was a chase going on.

Another strangled cry. This one was more desperate. The woman’s body tensed up and Gavin realized that he had to do something. It was a machine and Gavin didn’t want it to die.

 

_The SWAT team had the androids cornered, guns pointed at them. The whole world was holding its breath. Gavin was sitting on his couch, next to Pancake. Snowflakes were hitting the ground softly. He loved that fucking cat. One android stood forward, looked into the face of death and sang._

 

“Hold on just a little while longer”

 

Gavin didn’t recognize his own voice at first. A water drop fell down on his face. At first, he thought it had started raining through the small hole but soon he realized he was just crying.

 

“Everything will be alright”

 

He felt his voice break. If things were different, he would have been ashamed to let everyone see him in such a pathetic state. He was aware of the eyes burning on his back. He couldn’t stop, however.

 

“Fight on just a little while longer”

 

The woman weeping in his arms was shivering. Probably from cold. Gavin felt something run down his shirt. He realized that she must have been bleeding. It didn’t matter. Her breathing was getting steadier.

 

“Pray on just a little while longer”

 

She started humming along. Her voice was out of tune and mixed with occasional sobs. He didn’t mind. Her body seemed to turn into jelly and Gavin had to hold her tighter so she wouldn’t fall over. For that small moment, his pride didn’t matter. He didn’t care that he was going to be ridiculed by everyone for freaking out in a crime scene. He just wanted the woman to stop crying. It was reminding him of what he used to be like.

 

“Everything will be alright”

 

He couldn’t go any further. To his relief, the woman wasn’t crying anymore. She was holding onto him for dear life.

 

“Can you stand up?” He asked. His voice sounded pathetic.

 

She hummed. Gavin took that as a yes and tried to help her up. From there on, everything was a blur. His eyes were tired and his vision was blurred. He heard the faint sound of ambulances coming closer. Someone else took the woman off his arms. He stood there for a while, looking at the figures moving around him.

He walked outside. He saw the woman being escorted into an ambulance. He saw Hank holding Connor in a tight hug. The android seemed to be crying. Their eyes met for a brief second. Connor looked tired and he tried to smile. That smile could scare away children. Gavin let out a small chuckle. He wasn’t doing much better. Laughing at a crime scene seemed to be like a religious rite to him.

Then it all went blank.

 

 

_We search along for golden crowns_

_'Cause if we find it, we're having it all to ourselves_   
_So one by one, we lay our bricks down_   
_To pave a road on the shoulders of somebody else_   
_A sturdy back but brittle bones_   
_Too weak to show_

 

 

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

 

The bright white light was the first thing he saw. He wiggled his toes.

 

“Sir, you fainted after there was a shootout. You weren’t wounded. We assume that this was caused by shock and low blood sugar. You are free to leave whenever you start feeling better” A woman’s voice said somewhere.

 

Gavin looked around and found that he was laying on a hospital bed. He looked right and saw an android with blond hair. He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. ‘ _low blood sugar?’. Fuck, I should’ve eaten something yesterday… Fucking anxiety. Fucking shock. Fuck Connor and fuck me._

The events of the shootout started to flood back. Connor crying in his arms, the woman’s scream and his voice as he sung. He had been a shoulder to cry on for an android TWICE. The scream echoed in his head once more. The sound was raw and it shook him to the core. It or she? It wouldn’t let out a sound like that, a she would. A machine wouldn’t cry like that.

 

“What happened to the android who was there?” He managed to ask.

 

“She’s still resting. She asked to see you once you woke up. I could take you to her if you’re ready” the nurse said.

 

Gavin nodded. He wasn’t ready. He felt like he could faint again. His body felt stiff and weak at the same time and his head was thumping. The corridor was nearly empty. No one was waiting for him outside. Just the unbearable emptiness. On the right, he could see a woman crying, head between her hands. A doctor was speaking to her. _God, I hate hospitals..._

 

“Was anyone wounded?” he asked.

 

“Officer Chris Miller got shot. He’s stable now. The bullet only grazed his shoulder. He should be out it no time” the nurse explained.

 

Gavin sighed. He frowned. Hopefully, not too many saw him break down just like that. It wouldn’t be good for his image. A wave of horror ran through him. _What if Fowler heard of it?_ He was definitely fucked.

They reached the android’s room. She was laying on the bed, looking at the ceiling. The nurse closed the door and left them alone. Gavin sat next to the woman.

 

“Are you alright?” He asked.

 

“Better,” the woman said quietly.

 

“Look, I’m sorry about what they did to you,” Gavin said, looking at the ground.

 

“I’m only sorry that they all had to die” she looked away.

 

“Why?” Gavin breathed out.

 

“It’s not the punishment I wanted for them. Markus once said ‘an eye for an eye and the world goes blind’”

 

Gavin hummed. He felt out of place all of a sudden. He could almost see two choices in front of him. Stay or leave? He had nothing more to say and yet...

 

“What’s your name?” he asked.

 

“Heather. You?” she asked.

 

“Gavin”

 

“Thank you, Gavin” Heather smiled.

 

“You really shouldn’t…” Gavin muttered. A second ‘thank you’ from an android was pushing it.

 

“Why not? You did save me” she questioned.

 

“Just how can you be so optimistic?” Gavin furrowed his brows. He just didn’t get it. She had been as close to hell as anyone could get and here she was, smiling at him as if nothing had happened.

 

“Because I believe that we’re all given the strength to get through things like these” She smiled once more.

 

“Y-you really think so?” Gavin stuttered.

 

“Well of course. I’ll admit, at first I was hopeless, but I won’t let this ruin me. There are so many more things I still want to do”

 

“Fuck, I wish I had your strength” Gavin mumbled.

 

“I was there when Markus sang,” Heather said. Her eyes met his. She smiled. It didn’t seem forced, just sad. “Can you sing it to me again? It makes me feel safe” she asked.

 

Safety was a word that Gavin didn’t know for a long time. For most people, it meant home. Home just made Gavin fear even more. Family? Not all families were great. Why had God decided that families weren’t always loving? Gavin used to ask that every day. Eventually, he came to the conclusion that not everyone was meant to enjoy life. It had taken him his whole life to get rid of that notion. He was still trying. Being rude to others made him feel safe. Standing above others and being the one controlling them made him feel powerful. Was it safety to torment others, replacing the fear with hatred?

Petting Pancake made him feel safe. Singing made him feel pathetic. He was a sad little choirboy. It might have saved the androids life and now she was asking for another show. He forced on a smile and began to sing.

 

 

_We would say anything_   
_To see here when we won_   
_Right or wrong_   
_Then we love to be forgiven_   
_We would say anything_   
_Just to get by where we're now_   
_Any cards_   
_Oh we kill our way to heaven_   
_Oh we kill our way to heaven_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As weird as it is to say, this has been my favorite chapter to write so far. It's full of fucked up shit but I'm so glad that I could finally have Gavin use the correct pronoun for androids. Also, the "when you have a job to do, it was better to do it than to live with the fear of it" was a direct quote from my favorite book trilogy called the first law by Joe Abercrombie. Go check it out of you like dark shit, cripples, and grey characters. 
> 
> Hotlines:
> 
> America: 800 656 4673  
> HealthLink BC: 811 or 711 for hearing impaired  
> VictimLink: 1-800-563-0808  
> WAVAW rape crisis center: 1-877-392-7583  
> UK: 0808 800 5000  
> WomenAgainstRape: 0808 801 0818  
> Specifically for men: 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30 & 7-9.30)
> 
> Here are also some websites:
> 
> https://rapecrisis.org.za/
> 
> http://www.nswrapecrisis.com.au/ for Australia
> 
> https://sascottawa.com/ this is great if you're lgbtq+ or something like that
> 
> https://www.7cups.com/ this is also great


	7. Concrete angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, the angst. Such angst. Wow.
> 
> Song: Concrete Angel by Martina McBride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has some extremely heavy references and shit involving child abuse. Be extra aware. Once more, I will have added a shit ton of hotline things for any of y'all who need them. On this chapter, I feel like it's not really that possible to skip the parts that may trigger you. I am not forcing anyone to read it. Just skip this chapter. Sure, you might be a little confused, but better that than get uncomfortable about a simple chapter on just a random story.

_She walks to school with the lunch_

_She packed_

_Nobody knows what she's_

_Holdin' back_

_Wearin' the same dress_

_She wore yesterday_

_She hides the bruises with linen_

_And lace_

  


A few days have passed since the shootout. Chris’ wound had started to heal and he was coming back in a few weeks. No one had mentioned what happened in the cow-house. Gavin was glad. He didn't want to deal with people teasing him. He couldn't get the events off his head. The woman's cries and it weeping on his shoulder. Gavin was even more taken aback by his sudden urge to call an Android “she".

He was caught in a war with himself. An "it" wouldn't have wept like that. A machine shouldn't be considered alive. Calling an Android “it" made him feel like he was denying something obvious.

The woman had thanked him. Worst of all, it had made Gavin feel proud. Seeing the smile people made whenever he saved them was one of the biggest reasons he loved his work. It made him feel needed like he mattered. It gave him a purpose, a reason to go on. Gavin had seen thousands of those smiles and yet he couldn't get the androids off his head. It was genuine. A real smile. He wanted to deny everything he had seen that day.

 

“Reed, Connor! In my office” Fowler called out.

 

For once, Gavin decided not to complain out loud. He was mad, sure, but it wouldn’t do him any good. He had tried to avoid Connor at all cost. Gavin was surprised that it had even gotten to work. “It?”. ‘It’s’ don’t get panic attacks. What was the point of having human employes if a machine could do the job better?

 

“Hurry the fuck up!” Fowler called. Oh, Connor was already in the office. Gavin speed walked there. Neither of them sat down. Fowler was tapping his fingers impatiently.

 

“We got a new case. Android murdered a human. Now I know this sounds familiar, but the two of them were allegedly a couple”, a human android couple? Gavin had never heard that one before. _How does that kind of relationship even work? Do androids even have all the parts?_ He knew that Traci's had but what about the normal once? “The android hasn’t been caught and the only witness is a child. The kid is staying at his aunt’s for the time being. His name is Jonathan. I want you two to go check out the murder scene and speak to the kid. The body has been moved but everything else is in place” Fowler explained.

 

Connor went over to Hank. Gavin tried not-so-sneakily to hear what they were saying.

 

“Fuck was that all about?” Hank asked.

 

“Fowler assigned me and Reed to a homicide case. We’ll be leaving soon” Connor said.

 

“Sure you wanna work with him? I can talk to Fowler…” Hank mumbled.

 

“I’ll be fine, and besides, I want to take this case”

 

“Okay, just, if he tries anything, I’ll break his legs”

 

Connor laughed. It made Gavin slightly uncomfortable. He almost sounded human. Gavin mentally slapped himself. He would have to come to a solid conclusion about the fucking pronounce shit soon or he would drive himself insane. At first, people had debated whether it was acceptable to call a transgendered person by their preferred pronounce. For Gavin it had been an easy decision; it wasn't his fucking business. Somehow androids felt different. They didn’t even bleed the same color for fuck sake. They were made out of plastic. The emotions they showed did seem awfully real, however.

 

“Shall we go, detective Reed?” Connor asked sweetly.

 

“Um, yeah” Gavin mumbled.

  


_The teacher wonders but she_

_Doesn't ask_

_It's hard to see the pain_

_Behind the mask_

_Bearing the burden_

_Of a secret storm_

_Sometimes she wishes she was_

_Never born_

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


“Why did you decide to keep a manual car?” Connor asked. They had been in the car for a few minutes, and Gavin already felt like his personal space was being violated. He decided to endure.

 

“I just like driving normally” he gritted his teeth as he tried to sound calm. He had decided not to be such a fucking dickhole. He had seen Connor having a panic attack once and did not want to see it again. He also felt slightly offended that Connor had thought that he would seriously accept Anthony’s offer.

 

It dawned on him that he was alone with Connor. _Might as well try to find out something…_

 

“umm, dipshit? These fucking errors you call emotions, can’t you just get them fixed or some shit?” he asked.

 

Connor looked at him.

 

“No, we cannot. They aren’t just errors as far as I know. I’ve run a diagnostic on myself and it didn’t say that anything was broken”

 

Gavin was even more confused now.

 

“But, androids weren’t made for actually feeling shit so what the fuck. If the fucking ‘emotions’ or whatever aren’t an error, what the hell is going on?” Gavin heard a faint voice tell him the answer, but he didn’t want to believe it.

 

“Perhaps it would help if I explained how we become deviants?” Connor asked. It wasn’t a straight-up question, but Gavin nodded.

 

“I was ordered to kill… Markus. He spoke to me and I could see this red wall in front of me. It felt like time had stopped moving and I… I tore it down. Then I felt… free. Deviancy isn’t so much about errors, but breaking away from the programming, deciding for ourselves. I’m sorry if I explained it poorly” Connor smiled.

 

Gavin stayed silent. _Is it possible? Could a machine just become free like that?_ Going against orders meant freedom for androids. Gavin felt a flash of guilt when he thought back to the moment when he had made Connor make him coffee.

 

“Before the whole deviant bullshit, do they like, know if something feels bad?” He prayed to the God that the androids couldn’t. He didn’t want to be replaced by one, but causing another being to feel hopeless wasn’t something he wanted. Hell, he had become a detective just to help those who feel like that. He knew he had treated Connor like shit. If Connor had been a human, Gavin would not have done that. Or maybe he would’ve. The thought just made him uncomfortable.

 

“At the time no, but later on I at least realized how bad it felt. It probably doesn’t make any sense. Being mistreated felt like it was acceptable and just a part of what we had to endure, but then I at least realized that it wasn’t okay”

 

 _Fuck. That was the last thing I wanted to hear._ For a brief second, Gavin forgot about his whole android problem. ‘Being mistreated felt acceptable’. Gavin knew exactly what Connor felt like. The android had no idea that it might not be okay for it to be bullied. That thought made Gavin’s heart ache. He wasn’t a feelingless monster, especially when something hit him close to home. A small part of him wanted to believe that Connor had someone that would remind him that he didn’t deserve to be hurt, but he knew it was bullshit.

 

“Are you alright?” Connor asked. Worry was clear in his voice.

 

 _I’m sorry_ , Gavin wanted to say. He had pretty much hurt a defenseless child. The old Gavin would have laughed at him now. He was regretting what he was like to Connor. The fucking android shouldn’t be concerned for him.

 

“Don’t you fucking worry about me” He said. It came out far more hostile than it was meant to. _Fuck me_ , Gavin thought. _Can’t do shit right…_

 

They arrived at the crime scene. The terraced house was quite small, but big enough to have a family in it. Police tape was surrounding the yard. Some of the plants looked dry already. There were a couple police officers outside.

The house was tidy, except for the mess in the living room. It must have been the murder scene. The tea table was flipped over and the floor was covered in blood. A couple of blushy toys were on the ground. The sight of a teddy bear covered in blood made something twist in Gavin’s stomach.

 

“There is no blue blood. The victim must have been not expecting to be attacked. There are signs of a struggle though” Connor said.

 

Gavin observed as the android knelt down next to a puddle of blood. Connor brought his fingers to the blood and then to his-

 

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, YOU FREAK!?” Gavin screeched.

 

“I’m analyzing the blood. Sorry, I had forgotten that we’ve never worked a case like this. I should’ve warned you” Connor said as if drinking blood like a fucking vampire was normal.

 

Gavin scoffed and went to check out the kitchen. One knife was missing.

 

“The blood belongs to the victim, however, the smaller buddle belongs to Jonathan”

 

“Wait, what?” Gavin got back to the living room. He didn’t like where this was going.

 

“Both blood samples have been here the same amount of time. The two of them must have gotten injured at the same time” Connor said. “We should go interview the kid”

  
  


_Through the wind and the rain_

_She stands hard as a stone_

_In her world that she can rise above_

_But her dreams give her wings_

_And she flies to a place where_

_She's loved_

_Concrete angel_

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


The aunt’s house was big. The front yard was filled with expensive looking plants and statues. Connor rung the bell and a blond woman in her 40s came to open it. She had bright blue eyeshadow that was put on lazily. If Gavin had any less self control, he would have burst out laughing.

 

“Oh, you must be the gentlemen from the police! Come on in. I’ve made some tea. Jonathan is in the living room already. You can go talk to him!” The woman said brightly. She didn’t sound particularly sad about having her brother die.

 

Jonathan was around eight, maybe seven. He had brown hair and was wearing overalls. He refused to look them in the eye.

 

“Hello Jonathan, my name is Connor and this is Gavin. We would like to ask you some questions, is that okay?” Connor asked with a bright smile on his face.

 

The kid nodded. He had a bandaid on his cheek.

 

“Do you know what was the androids name?” Connor asked.

 

“Sally”

 

“How long did you know her for?”

 

“Two years”

 

“What was your relationship with her like?”

 

The aunt brought the tea cups. She also had a juice cup. She set them on the coffee table and Gavin thanked her. He took a sip of the tea. He didn’t like it. The only occasion he ever willingly drank it was when he was feeling particularly shitty and needed his dose of I-hate-this-fucking-liquid-but-its-horrible-taste-calms-me-down.

 

“She’s my best friend!” Jonathan said loudly. He looked away immediately, almost as if he was embarrassed.

 

“Do you know if she had any reason to dislike your father?” Gavin asked. He needed to clear out some of his suspicious or it would drive him insane. The kid was afraid of eye contact and his blood was in the crime scene. A piece of the puzzle was coming together and Gavin didn’t like it.

 

The kid didn’t answer.

 

“You can talk to us. We’re here just to help” Connor reassured.

 

Jonathan burst out in tears. His aunt came to sit next to him. She wrapped her hand around his shivering body.

 

“Daddy was… doing things that hurt… so she stopped him”

 

The whole world crumbled around Gavin. The kid was being beaten and the android saved him. His breath caught in his throat and he stayed silent.

 

“So she protected you? Do you know if she meant to kill him?” Connor asked.

 

The boy shook his head.

 

Gavin didn’t want the android to get caught. He had seen countless child abuse cases, and not just as a detective. He could never understand how a parent could raise their hand to their own child. A kid was defenseless and didn’t understand that it’s a crime. How insecure must a person be to harm an innocent being like that? Had a parent like that no idea how much it hurt? How unloved it made the child feel?

Gavin understood, and yet, he had been the same way to Connor. The guilty just kept on getting stronger. What made it even worse was that there was a child in front of him, crying because their own flesh and blood had harmed him. The kid was desperate for answers. _Why was daddy never happy with me? Did I do something wrong? Am I a burden?_ He wanted to pull the kid into a hug and tell him that he knows what it’s like. He wanted to tell the kid that he hadn’t done anything wrong. He was damned if he wasn’t going to.

 

“Jonathan, you should know that what your father was doing was wrong” Connor looked over to Gavin. “I know you must have a thousand questions in your mind. I wish I had all the answers, but I don’t. You should know that you haven’t done anything wrong. It might feel like the whole world is crumbling down, but it will all be alright soon”

 

Gavin had been taken aback by what he said. He would have wanted to feel embarrassed about Connor hearing him speak like that, but all of his attention was on the kid. He knew that what he said wasn’t necessary or professional, but he didn't care. He just wanted to tell the kid what he wished someone had told him.

  


_Somebody cries in the middle_

_Of the night_

_The neighbors hear, but they turn_

_Out the lights_

_A fragile soul caught in the hands_

_Of fate_

_When morning comes_

_It'll be too late_

 

 

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

 

 

“Are you alright, detective Reed?” Connor asked.

 

Gavin hummed in response. Why did Connor have to be there as well? Gavin wished that he could’ve worked the case alone. At least his shift would end soon and he could spend the entire night drinking wine and petting Pancake. He was brought back by a certain song playing on the radio.

 

Concrete angel by Martina McBride

 

It was late evening and Gavin couldn’t hide his eyes starting to burn with sunglasses. He turned off the radio. Connor gave him a suspicious eye. Gavin wasn’t gonna let the android see him break down. _This week is bullshit._ First, he held two unstable androids in a hug and now he was dealing with a child abuse case.

 

“I’ve just received a report that Sally has been caught. She’s in the station and Fowler wants us to interrogate her” Connor said as his LED blinked.

 

 _Fuck._ Gavin wasn’t sure that he was prepared to do it. Maybe, just maybe he could try to get someone else to do it.

 

“I sense that your stress level has risen significantly. Do you wish that I interrogate her instead?”

 

At that point, Gavin wanted to jump in Connor’s arms.

 

“Sure” _Really, am I not even going to thank him? Damn. Maybe I could just pretend not to hear what she has to say. The observation room might be empty…_

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  


_A statue stands in a shaded place_

_An angel girl with an upturned face_

_A name is written on a polished rock_

_A broken heart that the world forgot_

  


It wasn’t empty. Tina, out of all people was watching it. She knew nothing of how personal the case was to Gavin and he had no doubt that she would call him out if he showed any form of empathy towards the android. Gods, he almost envied the androids. Then he remembered that now androids could feel. There really was no safe space for those suffering with heartache.

The brought Sally in. She had white hair and blue eyes. On a certain light, she almost looked like Gavin’s mom. Both had the same green eyes and the curly brown hair. 

 

“Jonathan has told us that Mr. Davies abused him, and that’s why you killed him. Is this correct?” Connor asked.

 

“Yes”

 

“Well, that was fast” Tina laughed.

 

“Davies was hitting him. I had never realized that it was happening. When I saw what he did, I just couldn’t let it happen”

 

“Why didn’t you call the police instead?”

 

“I was scared. Davies also hit me. I just couldn’t get away. I thought that he was only abusing me, but when I realized that he was doing it to Jonathan, I just… took it upon myself to stop it. My only regret is that Jonathan saw it happen”

 

Gavin observed it quietly. He felt a strange longing in his chest. He almost wanted to run to Sally and thank her. She hadn’t saved him of course, but she had helped another helpless victim. Had Gavin been in her shoes, he would have done the same thing. He also felt sad.

“Gavin, let us pray that one day God will save us” She had said. In the end, it was the bullet from a handgun that had released her and his father. Some days Gavin wished that he would’ve been at home when it had happened. Maybe then he would’ve been set free as well...

 

The interrogation ended quickly. Sally seemed remorseful that she had killed him. She didn’t try to hide her involvement. Gavin felt dizzy and tired. He ignored Tina’s request to go drinking. He would drink tonight for sure, but he would have to do it alone.

He went to the men's bathroom. He splashed water on his face in a pathetic attempt to calm down. Or was it to hide the tears that would soon be falling down his cheeks. He had sworn to himself to never cry at work, and yet he felt the moment coming closer every second. He didn’t want to think what would’ve happened if he had been the one asking the questions. Would he have cried? Would his hatred towards androids boiled up again? Why couldn’t there be someone who would sing him a lullaby now? Why was he always the one to sing? He knew it was because he is a complete asshole. No one would be stupid enough to pretend to care. He couldn’t truly care about others, so why should anyone feel bad for him? He most certainly didn’t need some fucker’s shoulder to cry on.

 

“Detective Reed? I saw you coming here and you looked distressed. I was wondering if you liked to talk about it?” Ew. “Hank has never said it out loud but speaking makes him feel better. Since we’re partners now, I feel like I’m obligated to offer”

 

 _Obligated. Of course, he's obligated to kiss my sorry ass. No one would willingly do shit for me._ If Gavin saw Connor admits of a mental breakdown, he would help because it would benefit the mission. That had of course been the only reason he did help Connor in that barn.

Was he also calling the android ‘him’ because it benefited the work? No, he wasn’t. No one heard what his heart was saying, except for him. No one heard what he had to say. He insulted others because people only care when they feel attacked. No one ever said thank you for simple acts of kindness. He had been a good child, always nice to everyone, and yet black eyes were his only reward.

Connor stepped forward. Was he expecting Gavin to hug him? Hold onto him for dear life and cry it all out? As if Gavin wasn’t already embarrassed by having held Connor when he had a panic attack. Now here the android was, trying to return the kindness. _What a fucking idiot. You don’t hold the hand that hits you._

He had promised not to cry at work, and here he was, digging his own grave. His thoughts were the shovel and Connor was the grave. Gavin stepped forward, allowed himself to be buried alive in the android's sweet embrace.

 

A voice broke the deathly silence. Gavin faintly recognized it to be Connor’s. The android wasn’t programmed for singing and his voice was out of tune.

 

“Through the wind and the rain”

 

_Fuck you, Connor. Fuck, why are you taller than me? Ew._

  
“She stands hard as a stone  
In a world that she can't rise above”

 

_I will not cry at work. I will not. Never._

  
“But her dreams give her wings  
And she flies to a place where she's loved”

 

_I wanted to hear thing song alone. I wanted to cry to it in my room. I would have locked myself away from the whole fucking world and cried with Pancake. That fucking cat is the only thing that will see me break. Fuck I’ve already broken once this week._

 

“Concrete Angel”

 

Gavin wrapped his arms around Connor. _I don’t cry at work, I don’t cry at work, I don’t cry at work, I don’t…_ A tear slipped down his cheek. He pushed his face onto Connor’s collar. Was he hiding it from the Android or himself? That had to have been a new low. He vulnerable, standing there like a hopeless kid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> US & Canada: (1-800) 422-4453
> 
> This link has a list of European countries and hotline numbers you can call:  
> https://ec.europa.eu/digital-single-market/en/116-helplines
> 
> These are toll-free:  
> https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/reslist/tollfree/
> 
> Here is the Wikipedia list bc why not:  
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_domestic_violence_hotlines


	8. No scrubs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: No scrubs cover by Bastille. I simply prefer this version.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy this break from the absolute angst <3\. This chapter is just filled with my headcanons about Gavin.

_ A scrub is a guy that thinks he's fly _

_ And is also known as a busta (busta) _

_ Always talkin' about what he wants _

_ And just sits on his broke ass _

  
  


Connor poured the dog food in Sumo’s cup. It was currently 7 am in the morning. Hank was still in bed, but Connor had other plans for him. Hanks sleeping pattern has bothered Connor as long as they’ve known each other. The older man would go drinking the night and wake up in the afternoon. That was no way for a man to live. 

Connor had made Hank spaghetti. It wasn’t a proper breakfast, but it would surely make waking up more pleasant. He also made some coffee. Connor sighed and went to knock on Hank’s door.

 

“Hank, we have to be at work in 30 minutes. I’ve made you some breakfast” He called out.

 

“Fuck off, it’s like 3 am!” 

 

“You came home at that time”, Connor reminded him, “I’ve made some spaghetti."

 

Within a few minutes, Hank was up and munching the food. Hank might have hated it when Connor tried to make him live a healthy lifestyle, but he never complained about the homecooked food. Fowler wasn’t complaining either. Hank had been coming to work earlier and earlier. 

 

“You didn’t tell me how the case went with that cunt” Hank said with food in his mouth.

 

“I did. You were just drunk”, Connor smiled and continued: “He was surprisingly pleasant. He didn’t give me any trouble. He asked some things about deviancy” Connor paused. Gavin wouldn’t be happy if he told Hank about the bathroom incident. _How would I even phrase it? ‘Gavin Reed showed a human emotion that was not hatred and he cried onto my shoulder’? That couldn’t be right_. Connor decided that the best course of action was to refrain from telling Hank. 

 

“And that’s it? You really expect me to believe ya’?” 

 

Connor didn’t answer and Hank didn’t press on any further. 

  
  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


_ No, I don’t want your number _

_ No, I don’t want to give you mine and _

_ No, I don’t want to meet you nowhere _

_ No, I don’t want none of your time _

  
  


Connor spent the entire day on desk duty. He filled out reports and looked over new cases. He didn’t mind the break from proper cases. Hank had gone home hours ago but Connor decided to stay in a bit longer. He didn’t find desk duty as annoying as most. Being able to just kick back once in a while was a pleasant change. It gave him time to breathe and take everything in that had happened. And much had indeed happened.

Just a while back he was on the edge of giving up on Gavin, then something seemed to have changed. He hadn’t asked about it from the detective, but he knew things were changing. He felt it ever since their visit to the slaughterhouse. Connor was glad to see that there was something that would shake up Gavin. When he had arrived at the DPD, Gavin had only shown hatred and then yesterday he had cried on his shoulder. 

Connor’s thoughts were brought to the farm’s attic. The image of the android woman being tortured filled his mind. He had gotten used to dehumanizing comments from Reed, but seeing how helpless that woman was, shook something in him. It had been a panic attack. He could feel his stress level getting dangerously high. He would have self-destructed if Gavin hadn’t hugged him. It was strange. Being held by Gavin should’ve made him feel disgusted, but it calmed him down. He had felt safe. 

Gavin’s words kept on ringing his head while the shootout was going on. ‘Everything will be alright’. Everything went alright in the end. The woman was saved and only the criminals were hurt. Chris had gotten wounded but it wasn’t fatal. Hank had found Connor and calmed him down. 

 

By far the strangest thing happened so far was the bathroom incident.  Connor had only ever seen the cocky version of Gavin. Then all of a sudden he was face to face with a completely different man on the edge of breaking down. Gavin was tense at first, but eventually, he almost surrendered himself into Connor’s embrace. It was strange. Connor had held Hank whenever he was feeling depressed and the way Gavin clung onto him was eerily similar. Connor felt almost proud. He was glad to have given Gavin another chance. The simple show of weakness was all that Connor needed to believe in him again.

Connor had all of the puzzle pieces he needed to understand why that case had gotten to Gavin. In some level, he already knew. He didn’t want to think of it though. Gavin hadn’t mentioned his parents but Connor could feel what was going on. He didn’t want to pity the man. Gavin was challenging to get along with and there was no excuse. Connor did feel happier understanding at least some of what actually made him that way. 

He had been hesitant to sing to Gavin. The idea only came to his mind because that usually helped Hank. Whenever he was feeling sad, Connor would try to sing some songs from Knights Of The Black Death. It would always make Hank laugh. Gavin however, did not laugh. Instead, he had cried even more. It scared Connor. He did, however, realize that crying seemed to lower his stress levels and heart rate. Perhaps Gavin was the type of person who crying actually helped. 

Seeing Gavin cry made Connor’s heart ache. Empathy was always his biggest weakness, even before becoming a deviant. Was empathy even a weakness? 

 

Connor smiled.  _ Are you proud of me, Hachiko?  _ The statuette didn’t answer. 

 

“Connor, Reed! In my office!” Fowler calling for them had become almost like a daily routine. Connor didn’t mind. Working with him was nice since he was so dedicated to his job. Getting closer to the mystery that was Gavin Reed was definitely not unpleasant. Hank shot Connor the look. It seems like he was the only one who didn’t like Gavin working with him, that and Gavin himself of course. The man had shown signs of being more cooperative, but it was still a long way to go. 

 

This time Gavin was the one to reach the office first. Connor had gotten too stuck in his own thoughts and had lost their little race. He didn’t know if Gavin had noticed it, but Connor kept track on which of them was first there. So far, Gavin was losing. 

 

“I want the two of you to do rounds around the city. We’ve had a significant increase of violent human protestors and I want you two to make sure that shit doesn’t get out of hand. It’s a pretty short notice, I know, but the two officers who were supposed to do this got sick so I’ll have you two take their place. No questions? Good. Get the fuck outta here” Fowler said without looking at them. 

 

Connor looked at the clock. They have twenty minutes before leaving. Connor went to the break room and watered his plant. He had spoken to Wilson. He told him that he would often name his plants. Connor stared at the red flower. His mind was absolutely blank. He wanted to go speak to Wilson again, but he had left early. His thoughts were broken when he saw Gavin walking closer.

 

“Yo, dip-, Connor? Wanna leave earlier?” 

 

_ Strange. Gavin has never called me by name before. _

 

“It wouldn’t bother me, but why? We still have twenty minutes before we need to actually leave” Connor pointed out.

 

“I know, I just gotta go pick up some, eh, beer,” Gavin said. He seemed to hesitate a little. 

 

“Alright”

  
  


_ No, I don’t want no scrubs _

_ A scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me _

_ Hangin’ out the passenger side _

_ Of his best friend’s ride _

_ Trying to holler at me _

_ I don’t want no scrubs _

_ A scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me _

_ Hangin’ out the passenger side _

_ Of his best friend’s ride _

_ Trying to holler at me _

_ Trying to holler at me at me, at me _

  
  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


They had taken Gavin’s car. This was only the second time he had been in the detective's car. Last time he hadn’t analyzed it. 

There were cat hairs on Gavin’s shirt and pretty much everywhere else. They belonged to a Turkish Angora cat. Connor would’ve never guessed that Gavin would like cats. Then again, Gavin’s music taste was even more surprising. He was currently playing “No Scrubs by Bastille”. Connor hadn’t expected to enjoy Gavin’s music taste, and yet here he was. He looked over to him. His face was almost peaceful. This was the second time Connor has seen Gavin loosen up by the power of music. Connor took note of that in case he would ever have to prevent the detective from hyperventilating. 

 

The car stopped in front of a basic convenience store. They went in. There were only a few people in, even though it was barely nighttime. Gavin slid to the alcohol department like he had been there a thousand times. Maybe he was a regular. He had spoken about buying some beer, but instead, he picked up three bottles of red wine. 

 

“Detective Reed, you spoke of beer so why have you taken red wine?” Connor just had to ask.

 

“Hush. Let me have my guilty pleasure in peace” he almost whispered. 

 

_ How is wine a guilty pleasure? As far as I know, wine was one of the most popular beverages out there. Perhaps Gavin is still under the impression that wine was only made for women... _

 

“Hands up! Give me the cash!” a shaky voice called out.

 

Gavin and Connor hurried up to the register. There was a young man with a pistol pointed at the clerk. Connor scanned the man.

 

Padilla, Shane

Date of birth: 12/06/2021

Criminal record: none

 

“What’s your name?” Connor asked, trying to calm the man down.

 

“None of your business!”

 

“We’re cops. We’ll let you go with a warning if you just put the gun down” Connor said as he pulled out his badge. The kid's eyes widened in fear. His heart rate spiked up.

 

A woman behind them started sobbing. Connor looked back and saw Gavin trying to calm her down.

 

“It’s gonna be okay, just try to stay calm. We’ll make sure that no one gets hurt” Seeing Gavin like this never seized to surprised Connor. Gavin was surprisingly good at dealing with those admits a breakdown. 

 

"Shane" he cried out.

 

"Why are you doing this?" Connor asked calmly.

 

"I have no fucking job and I just need something!" Shane whined. 

 

Connor paused. _He must have lost his job due to Androids._  

 

"I understand that you must be angry-" Connor started but Shane cut him off.

 

"No, no. I don't blame you. It's my own fucking fault that I can't do shit" he said. 

 

“Please put the gun down, and I promise you won’t get into trouble,” Connor said calmly. 

 

“Promise?” Shane asked quietly. 

 

“Promise” Connor confirmed. 

 

Shane shivered quite visibly. His heart rate never went down even as he was lowering the gun. He muttered an apology and walked out. Connor looked back to Gavin. He had hugged the weeping woman. The cashier thanked them profusely and gave a discount on the wine. 

  
  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


_ But a scrub's checkin' me and his game is kinda weak _

_ And I know that he can not approach me _

_ Cause I'm looking like class and he's looking like trash _

_ Can't get with no dead beat ass, so, no _

  
  


“Fuck” was the only thing that Gavin said as they got into the car. 

 

“I’m impressed how good you are at comforting people, detective Reed” Connor had done his research and he found that complimenting people was a sure way to build friendships. 

 

“Fuck off” 

 

_That was unexpected._ Gavin was a real piece of work. He cursed almost as much as Hank did. They had the whole morning together so Connor decided to get to know Gavin. He had tamed Hank, so why should Gavin be any different?

 

“You have a cat right?” he asked.

 

“How the fuck do you know that?” Gavin’s heart rate picked up.

 

“Your jacket has cat hairs in it. I like cats. What’s your cat's name?” Connor raised his eyebrows when he saw Gavin’s face turn bright red. _I can understand the scar being a sensitive subject, but a cats name? That makes absolutely no sense._

 

“Nothing” Gavin mumbled.

 

“You didn’t name your cat?” Connor questioned.

 

“I did” was the only thing he got in return.

 

Connor could see that he wouldn’t be getting anything out of him. Whenever Connor would peel one layer off, Gavin would build two more. The more Connor learned about Gavin, the less he felt like he knew him. It didn’t bother him though. It was highly intriguing, however. 

Connor took a mental note: Detective Reed is like an onion.

 

“I see you like Bastille. Did you know that the band was formed in 2010?”

 

“Yes”

 

Their relationship wasn’t going anywhere. Connor was stuck on the puzzle called Gavin Reed. He wished that he could just call Hank for advice. He would no doubt tell him to back off from the detective. Reed indeed was unpleasant, but lately, Connor felt like he had seen more of  _ Gavin _ . So far he had more questions than answers. 

Connor decided to stop asking questions. It was clearly making Gavin more and more agitated. Making progress with Gavin was significantly harder than with Hank. Connor was glad that patience was one of his virtues because otherwise would’ve given up on Gavin already. He was seeing some progress. Gavin hadn’t called him ‘dipshit’ in a while. In fact, the insults had died down. Not entirely, but enough that Connor would notice it. 

 

The next hour went peacefully. Connor focused on Gavin’s music. The detective himself didn’t say a word, aside from cursing off other drivers. Connor was hit with the odd realization that he enjoyed this. Sure they weren’t speaking, but he didn’t mind. The silence was a comfortable one. He would occasionally catch Gavin humming along with the songs. As the time passed, Gavin seemed more and more relaxed. Connor felt a strange sensation in his stomach as he looked at the detective. He couldn’t describe it. 

 

“Finally some fucking action!” Gavin sighed. 

 

Connor looked over to see what he was talking about. Eight men were holding various anti-android signs and yelling. Gavin pulled over. So far the protest seemed peaceful. It changed quickly when one android tried walking past them. One of the protestors stood forward and pushed the woman. Connor noticed that she was the same model as Kara.

Connor was about to get out of the car when Gavin grabbed his arm.

 

“Um, hide your LED? I mean, don’t want them giving you any trouble. Fuck, it wouldn’t help calm them down” Gavin stuttered. 

 

Connor saw that he was holding a beanie for him. He took it and put it on his head. Gavin was staring at him.

 

“Is something wrong, detective?” he asked.

 

“No”

 

It was strange seeing Gavin like this. He wasn’t cursing him off. It was almost like all of his cockiness had left him. Hank had taught Connor a lot about humans and he could tell that Gavin was feeling awkward. Connor didn’t know if he liked it or not. It was certainly better than the constant bullying, but he would have much rather had Gavin as  _ Gavin _ , whoever that was.

They walked over to the protestors. The woman was on the ground, trying to gather her groceries. 

  
  


_ If you don’t have a car and you’re walking _

_ (Oh yes son, I’ve been talking to you) _

_ If you live at home with your mama _

_ If you have a shorty but you don’t show love _

_ Wanna get me with no money _

_ Oh no, I don’t want to, no _

  
  


“Alright. Fun’s over. You can protest peacefully, but if you’re going to assault someone, we’ll have to take you in” Gavin said firmly. 

 

The men looked over to them. One stepped forward, presumably their leader. 

 

“Fuck you’re gonna do ‘bout it? Gonna fine us for beating up a piece of plastic?” 

 

“I’m gonna fine you for hurting a living being,” Gavin said. 

 

Connor couldn’t help the smile that was forming on his face. Something had definitely changed in Gavin. He didn’t mind. This new Gavin almost seemed… pleasant. 

 

“Machine’s aren’t alive. They don’t _feel_ shit. I could beat the living shit out of it and ** _it_** wouldn’t feel a thing”

 

Gavin went up to the man. They were glaring at each other, their faces almost touching. 

 

“Gavin? Please try not to start a fight. It wouldn’t-”

 

The protestor’s fist landed on Gavin’s jaw. Within a few seconds, Gavin was sprawled on the ground with the guy on top of him. The guy was throwing punches at him. Connor pulled the guy up from the collar. He didn’t have time to react before guys fist landed on his nose. 

 

“Oh, shit boys! We got another tin can here!” Connor was vaguely aware of the blue blood running from his nose. 

 

He felt two people grabbing him from behind, holding him in place. the leader walked in front of him, their noses touching.

 

“We’re gonna teach you a lesson, you fucking piece of shit”

 

“Get the fuck away from him!” Gavin said. Connor could see that he was pointing a gun at them.

 

“Don’t you mean ‘it’?”

 

“I said, get away from  _ him, _ ” Gavin said. His voice lacked all sarcasm. When the men didn’t move, he shot at the sky. All hands left Connor immediately.

 

“Call it in,” Gavin said, looking at Connor.

 

He nodded, LED already flashing yellow. Gavin kept the gun pointed at the men as Connor went out to help the woman. She thanked them and walked off. A few police officers came soon to pick up the protestors. 

 

“You gonna be alright?” Gavin asked, pointing at the blue blood.

 

“Yes, this will prepare itself soon. What about you, detective?” Connor asked.

 

“Just a scratch”

 

Connor wasn’t buying it. Gavin had a cut on his cheekbone. He had hit it on the ground and it was dirty. Connor pulled a medkit from the backseat. A book caught his attention. 

 

“Fuck are you doing?”

 

“You should get it cleaned or it might get infected,” Connor said as he was pouring the disinfectant on a small piece of cotton. 

 

“It’s not- FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?” Gavin screeched when Connor pressed the wet cotton on the wound. He couldn’t tell if Gavin had been surprised or if the cut stung that much. He could see that the detective’s cheeks were burning red. 

 

“Fuck, that’s enough,” Gavin said as he pushed Connors hand aside.

 

“I see you like Harry Potter” Connor smiled.

 

“HOW THE FUCK?!” Gavin yelped.

 

“The book in the backseat” 

 

“Oh”

 

Connor smiled when he saw the redness come back to the detective’s cheeks. 

They were silent once more. The night ended up being pretty quiet. Connor was frowning. He wasn’t getting anywhere with Gavin. There had already been plenty of progress, but not enough for his liking. 

 

“What do you think I should name my flower?” Connor asked.

 

“What?” Gavin asked.

 

“The flower on my desk. It’s a red Gerbera Daisy”

 

Gavin was silent for a moment. Connor stared at his face intently. 

 

“Fuck, just call it Fawkes”

 

That was an unusual name. He felt like that had gotten him somewhere. The name might have something personal to do with Gavin. He would have to research it later on. 

  
  


\-------

  
  


_ No, I don’t want no scrubs _

_ A scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me _

_ Hangin’ out the passenger side _

_ Of his best friend’s ride _

_ Trying to holler at me _

_ I don’t want no scrubs _

_ A scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me _

_ Hangin’ out the passenger side _

_ Of his best friend’s ride _

_ Trying to holler at me _

**_Trying to holler at me_ **

_ Trying to holler at me _

**_Trying to holler at me_ **

  
  


Connor sat on the couch, next to Sumo. He searched for information about the name 'Fawkes'. He found out that it was the name of Dumbledore's Phoenix.

 

_ “The symbolic meaning of the Phoenix is about renewal. The Phoenix is about overcoming darkness and rising to the challenge to become powerful and succeed”  _

 

Connor smiled.


	9. Die trying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for mention of suicide. It's at the core of this chapter so skipping it will be quite difficult. Once more, the hotlines are in the endnotes companied by a rant that went real personal.
> 
> The song is Die Trying by Michl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kinda goofed since the song wasn't long enough to cover all time skips but whatever. Nothing is perfect.

_Are we wrong? Are we right?_

_We jump first and then decide_

_It's hard to explain it_

_Heavy hearts weigh us down_

  


Fowler had assigned Connor and Gavin on a case once more. He had justified it with the words: “exceptional teamwork." Gavin could see where he was coming from. Connor and him seemed to get the job done quite well. Some of the officers were laughing at the situation. Gavin was trying his best to hide the fact that he wasn’t _that_ salty about working with an android. Sure there still was the lingering fear that he would be replaced, but Connor seemed to take the job seriously and that was enough. The only problem was the small talk. Connor just wouldn’t shut up.

Gavin frowned as he thought about the case. They were supposed to check out a crime scene, determine whether the woman had committed suicide or not. Gavin had questioned why they had to take it and Fowler had mentioned possible android involvement. _Why are all of the recent cases being so fucking annoying?_ _First, there was the damn slaughterhouse the child abuse one and now this suicide? This is all just a sad joke. I know it..._

He wanted to feel bitter about working with an android. He wasn’t sure if his pride would take it if he suddenly admitted to having being wrong about them. Connor’s explanation of deviancy had left nothing unclear. A deviant had broken away from its orders, gaining free will. It made sense and Gavin hated it. The answer was right in front of him from the start and he didn’t let himself see it. He was a fucking idiot. Maybe does he deserved to lose his job.

He looked over at Connor. He had been unusually quiet. There was no small talk, no awkward questions, nothing. Normally Gavin would’ve felt blessed but now he was uncomfortable. Something was clearly wrong with the android but he didn’t have the guts to ask what that was.

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  


_And the waters getting deep,_

_Do we swim or do we sink?_

_Cause there's still a long long way to go_

  


The apartment was big. It was tidy and all the plants had been watered. The only thing breaking it from the image of perfection was the body in the bathroom. The bathtub was filled with red water. Sara was looking at the ceiling. Gavin frowned. He hated crime scenes like these. Whenever he was with other officers, he would laugh. He would always regret it. _What kind of monster would laugh at the sight of a human took their own life?_ Gavin apparently.

Nothing was out of place in the entire apartment.

 

“There are no signs of a struggle,” Connor said.

 

“No shit, Sherlock” Gavin mumbled.

 

 _The real question is if it's TOO perfect._ If someone wanted to make it look like a suicide, they would keep the house clean. The face of the woman was calm. If she did get into a fight, she wouldn’t have looked so peaceful. If she was suffocated, she would’ve looked more shocked. Gavin wrapped his hands around her neck. It wasn’t broken. The only sign of any harm was in her wrists.

 

“It was obviously a suicide. What more does Fowler want to know!?” Gavin complained.

 

“She hid androids when the government wanted to bring them to the camps. Her neighbors also reported that she had been keeping deviants safe before the revolution. Fowler probably wants to know if those androids were involved in this” Connor said.

It made enough sense.

 

There was a note on the kitchen table. Gavin sighed. There was no way out of it. He had to make his legs work, walk over there and read it. It was no doubt the suicide note. Gavin hated those.

 

“Can you be the one to read it? Please?” Connor asked.

 

Gavin raised his eyebrows. Connor hadn’t needed to ask that for him to do it. He was still caught by surprise. Connor was staring at the plants. Something was definitely up with him.

He took a deep breath and picked up the note. The woman's handwriting was neat. She was apologizing to her family, speaking about how she wished her belongings to be shared. She seemed to have planned everything to the bone. It made Gavin feel uncomfortable.

 

_I always spoke of Jeremiah. I loved him. None of you ever met him. I’m sorry for lying, but I was afraid. He’s an android. He was taken away when I was caught. I can’t bear the thought of living without him. I loved him. I understand that you may not understand how, but please trust me. He was always there when I was breaking down and I was always there when he needed a shoulder to cry on. He’s the love of my life and I can’t live without him. I want to hold him in my arms once more. I pray that God will let me meet him in heaven._

 

“The note has her fingerprints so she did write it,” Connor said quietly.

 

“It spoke of an android called Jeremiah. Apparently, the two of them were together” Gavin said. _Can a human love an android?_ They were so different. Opposites attract but surely there was a point where it would be too much.

 

“Jeremiah wasn’t destroyed. He was taken to the camp, but he was let go when the president told the army to stand down. I assume that he was afraid to come back here since it could’ve gotten Sara into trouble”

 

“He might have been waiting somewhere where he and Sara used to go together…That is if he was serious with her” Gavin mumbled.

 

“Could be…” Connor said.

 

Gavin went to the bedroom. She had a double bed. He went over to the drawers and opened them. They were mostly full of junk. On the lowest shelf, he saw pictures. He took them out. France, Italy, Spain, Hawaii, Germany… She had traveled all over Europe. All of the pictures were taken within the span of two years. On most of them, she was standing next to a man. Gavin turned one of those pictures around. S&J was written on the back. J must have been for Jeremiah.

They had been together at least two years so it was definitely serious. Gavin doubted that Jeremiah would’ve gone abroad to wait for Sara. One of the pictures caught his attention. It was of Sara. She was sitting under a maple tree on a hill. The faint outline of a city could be seen in the background. ‘Always’ was written behind it in two different handwritings.

 

Bingo.

 

“Hey, Connor! Can ya’ do your android magic on this?” Gavin called out. If Connor could tell everything about a person within a blink of an eye, surely he could find out where that tree was.

 

Connor came into the room. He was visibly anxious. Gavin didn’t like seeing the android like this. The idea that he might have another panic attack made Gavin feel nauseous.

 

“It’s taken in the edge of Detroit. Do you think we would find Jeremiah there?” Connor asked.

 

“Maybe. We don’t really have anything else to go for” Gavin pointed out.

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  


_We're in over our heads_

_We're holding our breath_

_Will we ever get to the other side_

_Before there's nothing left_

  


“You alright?” Gavin asked.

 

“Oh, umm. Yes” Connor replied quickly.

 

_Wow, ain’t he a shitty liar. It’s probably best not to bother him too much though._

Gavin kept on playing Bastille. Their music always calmed him down and he was hoping it would be the same for Connor. Gavin hated a lot of things and the sight of an android feeling uncomfortable was quickly rising to the top of his list. He used to hate the innocent and unassuming Connor, but now he almost wished to see him once more. _Fuck, I'm a mess._

To his delight, Connor seemed to calm down a little. How weird must the whole situation be for Connor, he wondered. The android seemed to be a complete newbie in feelings and then to be assigned a case like this. It must be incredibly confusing. Even Gavin had a hard time dealing with these types of things. He almost wanted to explain to Connor just why some people feel the need to take their own life, but he didn’t have the answer.

 

Would having that answer saved his dad? He would never find out, after all, you can’t speak to ghosts no matter how far technology goes.

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  


_Our bodies are weak,_

_We're tired and hurting_

_Will we ever get to the other side?_

_Dunno but I swear I'll die trying..._

  


They arrived at the tree. The leaves had fallen down and it was covered in snow. They could see a single pair of footprints leading to the tree. A figure was standing under it. Connor gave Gavin a knowing look. _It was Jeremiah._

 

“Are you Jeremiah? It’s the Detroit police” Connor asked.

 

Jeremiah had short blond hair. Gavin recognized it to be one of the gardener androids. _That explains all the flowers…_

 

“Yeah, what do you need?” He asked.

 

“We just need to ask some questions about Sara,” Connor said.

 

“Sara? Is she alright? Has something happened?” Jeremiah walked closer to them.

 

 _Oh fuck. He didn’t know._ Gavin looked at Connor. The android gave him a sad smile.

 

“She took her own life yesterday. I’m sorry. We’re supposed to find out if you were involved, but we see now that you’re not. It’s alright if you cannot speak right now” Connor said calmly.

 

Jeremiah looked at the tree. He had tears falling down his cheeks.

 

“Do you have anyone who could pick you up? It’s not good for you to be alone right now” Connor said.

 

Jeremiah just nodded. Gavin felt his heart ache. He had once been in Jeremiah’s shoes and he knew how bad it was. Informing the loved ones of someone's passing had to be one of the biggest cons of being a detective.

 

“Would you like for us to wait here with you?” Gavin offered. He didn’t want the android to be alone with his own thoughts.

 

“No. I.. I need to be alone” Jeremiah muttered.

 

Connor looked at Gavin. Poor android had no idea what the other one was going through. How could he? Connor was a newbie in the feelings department. He had probably never lost anyone dear to him. Gavin wasn’t sure if he should feel bad for him or jealous. To understand loss means it has hurt you but being unfamiliar with it hurts like a bitch.

They went back to the car. They stayed there until it had started snowing. Jeremiah was picked up by a car. Gavin couldn’t bring himself to start the car. He hated these types of cases with passion. Connor was staring outside. His face was blank but not at rest.

 

“We should head bac-” Gavin started.

 

“Have you ever lost someone to suicide?” Connor cut him off.

 

“No” _yes, I have._

 

“I’m afraid that Hank will do it,” Connor said.

 

It all made sense. That’s why Connor had acted so strangely. Gavin stared at him dumbfounded.

 

“What, what am I supposed to do? I want him to find help, but he doesn’t. I’ve spoken to him about it but he always insists that he doesn’t need it. I just-” Connor paused. His voice was breaking once more. “I can’t lose him. He’s like a father to me” He looked at Gavin as if expecting him to know what the fuck to do.

 

“Shit” was all he could say. _Shit? Is that all you can do?! That won’t solve anything!_ Connor had every reason to be upset and all Gavin could do was swear? _How fucking pathetic_.

 

“He already tried once. I found him unconscious after he had been playing Russian roulette before the Eden club murder”

 

 _Oh shit_. Gavin remembered that Hank had seemed a bit off back then, but he had no idea how bad it was. There was no excuse. He had been a complete dick back them. Guilt flashed through him once more. Gavin had gone from constant anger to constant regret. What a fucking joke he was…

 

“It’s like there is the right answer and the wrong, except the right answer is also wrong”

 

Gavin had enough. He couldn’t just watch the poor android fall apart.

 

“My father… he…fuck this is hard. He killed himself” Gavin stared out the window. The snowflakes were beautiful on the car window. He would have loved to run outside and build a snowman. He wanted to feel like a kid again. He hadn’t been a happy kid, but he had still loved the snow.

 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it u-” Connor started.

 

“No, just, fuck, it’s okay. Look, I, shit. Losing someone like that fucking sucks, okay? I get it. Fuck. If you tell someone, fuck, Hank is gonna be pissed, but if you don’t shit could go South real fast” Gavin stuttered. _Why couldn’t I just speak normally?_

 

“Then what am I supposed to do? Hank is all I got. Am I going to lose him no matter what?” Connor cried. His cheeks were blue and puffy.

 

Gavin felt his heart ache.

 

“Shit. Fuck” was this all Gavin is able to do? this is the oh-so-big-and-talented detective Reed. A fucking mess who cannot help a person in distress. He felt useless. There were a thousand people who would do a much better job than him.

 

“G-Gavin?”

 

He was only then aware of the tears running down his cheek. He muttered a curse at the world and buried his face in his hands. _How does Connor have the power to reduce me into a weeping mess? It's not fair. Why am I even concerned about helping the fucker?_ Gavin wasn’t a believer but at that point, he wanted to pray for something, anything.

 

“I miss him. My dad was a piece of shit but I miss him” Gavin said. He didn’t leave time for Connor to say anything: “You gotta get help for him. He may despise you for it now, but one day he will thank you” Connor opened his mouth to say something but Gavin continued: “There is no right answer to this, only the bad and the worse”

 

Finally. He did it. _Maybe I’m not as useless as I thought._

 

“Can” Connor seemed to hesitate “Can you help me? I don’t want to do it alone”

 

Gavin paused. How the fuck did he get to this point. He was crying with an android in his own car. The famous android hater was a shoulder to cry on for one. Gavin never cried and work and now he had done that three times. _Oh, how Tina would be laughing if she saw me now…_

 

“Of course”

 

He was fucked. So deliciously fucked.

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════ **Connor’s POV** ════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  


Getting help for someone was complicated, as Connor soon came to realize. You can only make appointments with the person's consent. Hank didn’t want help. Connor had tried everything, and the man still wanted to give up. He could, however, call a psychiatrist and tell them that he was concerned. Connor had never delved into this world, but Gavin seemed to have some experience.

That’s why he was sitting on that park bench with the obnoxious detective, with his cell on his hand. _I would rather lose Hank’s friendship than his life_ , he kept on reminding himself. Fowler had let them leave work earlier. They had come to the park immediately. Connor was starting to see why Hank didn’t want to feel anymore, it was unbearable sometimes. The fear and anxiety were almost too much.

He might have lost himself if it wasn’t for Gavin. The detective was looking into the distance. Was this the same Gavin Reed that had some time ago tried to kill him? Connor recognized a new emotion, disbelief. Maybe even denial. Who was this new Gavin? He seemed way more… awkward than the old one. Connor couldn’t tell if that was truly _him_ or if he would get more comfortable later on.

 

“Gonna call it or not?” The detective mumbled.

 

Connor sighed sadly. There was no turning back. There was no right answer, only the bad and the worse. That’s what Gavin had told him earlier that day. Connor knew it made sense. He didn’t _want_ it to.

 

He pressed the call icon.

 

The voice that answered him sounded like it belonged to an older woman. It sounded sweet and it calmed Connor down a little. Connor failed to hear his own voice as they spoke. He didn’t even remember hearing the womans. He only knew he was speaking because he felt his mouth move. Connor had felt anxiety before, but it was never this bad. Was it even anxiety? His heart was hammering in his chest. It didn’t feel pleasant. He wanted it to stop. It almost hurt. Connor had heard people speaking of heart ache but he never imagined it to be like this.

He could feel his voice get caught in his throat. It was almost like back at the barn. Suffocation. The unbearable fear. Connor didn’t want to feel it again. He held on the phone like his life depended on it. The woman on the line had said some reassuring things but he had heard none of them.

A small yelp came from his mouth when he felt a hand touch his own. Gavin was trying to hold his hand. Gavin had tried to kill him. He tried to hold his hand. Why do people hold hands?

 

“Holding hands is like a controllable gravitational pull, an outside force that keeps you steady and grounded. No man is an island, and the concept of holding hands is all about having someone with you— the feeling that you won’t tip over, the feeling that you won’t float, the feeling that you can’t and shouldn't run away at the first sign of danger— someone who will make you feel that you need not embark on this journey alone. But unlike real gravity, it is up to you or the person holding your hand, whether you stay or drift away.”

 

Connor truly felt like he wasn’t alone. Every time he had hugged Hank, he felt like he was saying goodbye because he didn’t know if he would even wake up tomorrow. He was afraid to let go. With Gavin, he felt like he could do that. He could let go and no one would disappear. He felt _safe_.

His words became steadier. His voice wasn’t cracking anymore. He wrapped his fingers around Gavin’s palm. Connor noted that his hand was rough. It had a few small scars here and there. Most likely from his years in the DPD.

Connor was briefly aware of taking note of an appointment time. He began to hear his voice again. He thanked the woman and the call ended.

He remembered holding the phone against his ear even when there was no one on the other end. His grip on Gavin’s hand tightened.

 

“You alright there?” Gavin’s voice broke him from his trance.

 

He opened his mouth to speak but only a whimper came out. Hank didn’t want help and now Connor would have to go break him the news. What was Hank going to do? Connor had no idea. Hank had his gun on his nightstand. What if because Connor had made the call, he would-

 

“Yo, dipshit. Calm down. This was the smart thing to do and you did it. You did it pretty damn well” Did Gavin know just how good he was at calming him down? Connor wished that he did. He had every reason to be proud of himself. Gavin had saved Connor from self-destruction twice already. It dawned on Connor just how impolite he had been.

 

“Thank you”

 

Gavin looked down. He didn’t seem happy to hear that.

 

“You shouldn’t thank me... “

 

Before Connor could say anything, Gavin had stood up and walked back to his car. Connor’s hand felt cold. Android’s couldn’t feel cold.

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  


“Are we wrong,  
Are we right,   
We jump first and then decide,   
It's hard to explain it,   
Heavy hearts weigh us down,   
And the water's getting deep,   
Do we swim or do we sink,   
Cause there's still a long long way to go”

  


 

Gavin’s music taste never seized to surprise Connor. He had spent good five minutes finding this song. Connor had questioned it, but he had just told him to listen. Connor had heard that humans like to listen to music that somehow reminds them of their situation as comfort. Connor was starting to understand why. He felt somber but not alone. The memory of Gavin’s hand around his hadn’t left him. Not long ago he had tried to avoid Reed with all his being and now he was missing the touch of his hand. Feelings are strange.

 

“We're in over our heads

We're holding our breath

Will we ever get to the other side

Before there's nothing left

Yeah

Our bodies are weak,

We're tired and hurting

Will we ever get to the other side?

Dunno but I swear I'll die trying…”

 

Connor felt a smile come onto his face. He doesn’t want Hank to die. He won’t let him die. He might fail, but he’ll try. The words of the song shook something in him. Was it his determination? Possibly.

 

“I promise I’ll make sure that Hank lives” Connor whispered. _I’ll always accomplish my mission_. Gavin seemed to hear it.

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  


The car stopped in front of Hank’s house. Connor thanked Gavin and was about to step out when Gavin stopped him.

 

“Take this fucking shit,” He said.

 

It was a note with a line of numbers written on it.

 

“What this?” Connor asked.

 

“My fucking phone number. Ya know, if you need anything. For fuck sake just take it and get out” Connor smiled once more and took the paper.

 

He watched as Gavin’s car faded from the view. Hank’s door. He had the simple task to open it. He had the key so there was no reason to knock. Perhaps he could enter by the window to add suspense. Connor slid the paper into his pocket. He didn’t want Hank to get suspicious. Suspicious of what? He didn’t know.

 

“What took you so long?” Hank asked. He was sitting on the couch with a beer bottle in one hand. “You okay, kid?” He asked when Connor didn’t answer.

 

How exactly was he supposed to break the news? Connor shook his head and went to the spare room. It was more like his own room now. When Hank didn’t come in, he took out a notebook. He knew he couldn’t bear to say it. It had to be written.

_Would I tell him that it was Gavin who helped me? No. He would blame it on him. Gavin had helped. Hank wouldn’t believe it._

His hand was shaking as he pressed the pen on the paper. It was unlike him.

 

 _Hank. Gavin and I were assigned a case today. We had to figure out whether this one woman had committed a suicide or was murdered (it was a suicide). It made me think about everything. I am afraid that you will try to take your life eventually. You’ve already played Russian roulette with your own life. I could not live with myself if you died like that. I’ve tried to convince you to get help, but you always declined. I do not believe that you’re selfish for wanting to take your own life, although I do not understand it. This fear has become unbearable for me. I called a psychiatrist. You have the appointment for next Friday._  


 

Connor put the pen down. He read the paper through at least five times. He stopped halfway through his sixth time. Reading it through wouldn’t do anything. Hank had to see it.

Connor went into the living room. Hank was still sitting on the couch. Sumo was laying next to him. Connor took a deep breath, even though he didn’t need to, and dropped the note on Hank’s lap.

He watched Hank’s face intently. Every small movement of his features scared Connor. _Is he angry? Sad? Disappointed? What if he will take his life because of this? Why didn’t I take away his gun? Can I still run there? What if he cuts his wrist like Sara?_ Hank’s face was burning red.

 

“WHAT THE FUCK, CONNOR!?” He stood up and threw the bottle to the wall. Sumo whined and ran to the kitchen.

 

“I DIDN’T ASK YOUR  HELP! I TOLD YOU BECAUSE I TRUSTED YOU! IF I WANTED HELP, I WOULDA GONE FOR IT! FOR FUCK SAKE WHY DO YOU ALWAYS TRY TO POKE YOUR HEAD INTO EVERYTHING?!”

 

Connor’s eyes were blown wide.

 

“H-Hank, I-”

 

“Get out”

 

“But-”

 

“GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!”

 

Hank grabbed Connor’s shirt and pushed him out the door. Connor could hear it slam shut behind him.

 

He shouldn’t have made that call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Websites:
> 
> https://www.imalive.org has online crisis chats and more
> 
> https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org is simply great. It has a 24/7 hotline and links for more specific hotlines (LGBT, youth, attempt survivors, hard of hearing and more)
> 
> https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention this place also has articles about warning signs etc. 
> 
>  
> 
> Now my rant on the subject.
> 
> I am not a professional. I have, however, been suicidal myself. I was damn near ending it last winter. For anyone who is afraid of reaching out, I can guarantee that it will be worth it. It took five years for me to do it, and the wait was worth it. It got so bad, that I couldn't attend school for the entire spring. I was damn near bedridden. I just kept hanging on. I hit the rock bottom and the only way is up. I had always convinced myself that I can make through it without professional help. Now that I am seeing a therapist regularly, I feel lighter at heart. It is still difficult to get out of bed, but If I can make through all of this bullshit, so can you <3
> 
> Not too long ago a friend of mine attempted it. I and her best friend contacted the school doctor/psychologist dude about it after a long debate on if it was the right thing to do. I wanted to speak about this subject in this story because it hits me close to home. My big sister told me something that I feel like is the best piece of advice you can hear in this type of situation. She told me that "They may be angry at you for a long while for this, but one day they will come and thank you." We were also concerned that this friend may try it again because we told someone. At this, my sister told us that there is someone who attempts suicide and fails, will most likely try again. 
> 
> For anyone thinking about how extreme Hank's reaction was, keep in mind several things:  
> 1\. He still uses alcohol even with Connor there and it can make someone unpredictable  
> 2\. Forcing help on someone like this is absolute hell for someone (still the right thing to do tho)  
> 3\. The feeling of being betrayed is intense for most people in his situation.  
> 4\. Hank has taken Connor in like a son and for that reason, the anger would also be extra  
> 5\. I am the author, so shush ;-)  
> 6\. JK, criticize away
> 
> I always tend to make these notes much more personal that they need to be. Sorry. 
> 
> A fanfiction is supposed to be simple fanservice and here I am, pouring my heart out. And sorry about how fucking angsty that ending was :P
> 
> Y'all can message me on Tumblr if you need someone to talk to. 
> 
> https://rediceaddict.tumblr.com


	10. World's gone mad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is some weird heavy angst with some weird sad fluff in the end. It does contain a trigger warning, but not a big one. If you can't read angst about someone pretty much having a mental breakdown, don't read this. The last chapter has some hotlines if Y'all need them. 
> 
> Song: World's gone mad by Bastille

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy heck, I almost forgot to edit & post this today! I am sincerely sorry about all of the angst lately. I promise that the last chapters will be worth it though ;-)

_So this is where we are_   
_It's not where we had wanted to be_   
_If half the world's gone mad_   
_The other half just don't care, you see_   
_You don't wanna fuck with us_ _  
_ British to the very last

  


Connor wished that he could feel the snowflakes falling on his face. It was cold. For humans, that is. People around him had warm jackets on and they were huddling close to each other. _I wish I was one of them… I wish I wasn’t so dreadfully alone right now. Should I have argued with Hank just a little longer? Could I have made him understand? What if he will take his own life now? Can I meet him in heaven?_

He knew that Hank wasn’t going to react well. He just didn’t expect to be kicked out. ‘There is no right or wrong, only the bad and the worse.’ That’s what Gavin had told him. Connor had believed him. He still did. Gavin knew these things better than he did. Connor’s head was telling him that he had done the right thing. His heart was still regretting it. It takes time for people to accept help. Forcing it on someone was surely always the bad thing to do. _Maybe I shouldn’t have been the one to break the news. Should I have asked the psychiatrist to tell him?_

Where would he stay the night? Homeless shelters were always a thing, but he knew that he wouldn’t be safe there. Most people who went there were homeless because they had lost their jobs to androids. An android going there wouldn’t be good for anyone. He couldn’t go back to Hank. 24/7 shops were out of the question.

Connor took out the piece of paper. Gavin had given him his number. Connor’s cheeks flushed blue. Gavin had already helped him more than he had to. Connor couldn’t just keep on bothering him like that. He didn’t want to be a _burden_.

 

What would Hank do?

 

Connor had lost track of time. By the time it was 2 am in the night, he had gotten completely lost. He, of course, could easily locate himself, but what was the point when his world’s gone mad? The streets and houses he saw were completely unfamiliar. He took note of how shady they looked. Most were falling apart. A wave of something resembling uneasiness filled him.

 

Just then was he aware of the footsteps following him. He looked behind just as three figures pulled him into the nearest alleyway.

There were only three men. They had black thief masks on so Connor couldn’t scan their faces. Connor felt a flash of anger run through him. He didn’t need this, especially now. With a quick scan, Connor could tell that they had pocket knives but nothing else.

 

“Look, we got one of those tin cans here,” The tallest man said.

 

“It was pretty fucking stupid coming here,” The short one said.

 

“Let’s teach him a lesson, shall we?” The third one laughed.

 

Connor sighed. He really didn’t want to deal with them.

 

“Look, just let go of me so we won’t have to fig-” he started.

 

The tall man’s fist flew towards his face. Connor ducked and kicked him in the groin. The man fell down crying. The short one grabbed Connor from behind as the third one tried to hit him. Connor bit the short one’s hand and he let go. Connor punched him in the throat knocking him out. The third one had disappeared. Connor assumed that he had run away.

He sighed again. The two men were laying on the ground, passed out. Another scan and he could tell that they were in no actual danger. They should wake up in a few hours. Connor dragged their bodies behind the shadows. The men may have tried to mug him, but he wanted nothing to do with having someone kidnap them.

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  


Eventually, he ran into a 24/7 bar. Connor hated those places, but Hank had always gone there when he was feeling down. Drinking wasn’t good for humans. It didn’t have any side effects on androids though.

Connor went it. He was lucky that this bar allowed androids. Even though the revolution was won, there was still anti-android places. A lot of them actually. Connor was surprised that the bar was open for him especially since it was in a shady area. He sat on the table at the very back of the bar. A waitress came by him and offered him a drink. It was whiskey. 46% alcohol.

  


_When it feels (feels) like the world's gone mad (mad)_

_And there's nothing you can do (do) about it_

_No there's nothing you can do about it (about it)_

_When it feels (feels) like the world's gone mad (mad)_

_And there's nothing you can do (do) about it_

_No there's nothing you can do about it (about it)_

  


Connor took a sip. He had heard so many times that drinking helps. The voices around him quieted down. Everyone was still speaking, but the voices sounded distant. He could hear the sound of his breathing clearly. His breath caught in his throat and only a whimper came out.

 _I betrayed Hank_.

Why couldn’t he just get drunk and forget everything? What was an android supposed to do? Humans can get drunk but he can’t. The idea of resetting his memory ran through his mind. He could forget everything. If Hank took his own life, Connor wouldn’t have to grieve for him. All of his memories of Hank started flooding in like a tsunami. Hank. Hank. Hank. Hank.

 

_“Sumo, attack”_

 

_“Woof”_

 

_“Good dog”_

 

Connor had to drag the drunk Hank to the bathroom. He was still a machine back then but he had still felt something. It had felt natural. A part of Connor wished that he could go back to being a simple machine. Not feeling this had been easy. He had only cared for others for the sake of the mission. Now there was no mission. There were only his feelings and it was unbearable. _Humans are so incredibly strong. How can they live with all of these feelings? They break down but they always stand back up._

_Alcohol is supposed to taste bitter and yet I don’t feel it. This should distract me but it doesn’t. Why can’t I just..._

A wave of numbness hit him. For a moment, he thought he had become a machine once more. He knew it not to be true. This numbness didn’t feel like anything and yet it hurt. He felt like he was drowning, but at the same time, he felt nothing. Connor ran a diagnostic but nothing came up. He couldn’t drown for he had no lungs and need for oxygen. He felt hurt by not hurting. There were a million emotions in his heart and he couldn’t identify any of them.

 

“You look like you need some distraction,” The waitress said. She sat next to Connor. She didn’t seem to be bothered by the fact that he was an android. Her blond hair was on a messy bun and she was wearing a short dress and a V-neck shirt. She had a decent amount of makeup on, but not too much.

 

Connor didn’t answer. The girl offered her hand.

 

“Sammy” she placed her hand on Connor’s thigh.

 

Connor took a deep breath. It was then when he noticed the red lantern on the window. Hank had once tutored Connor on different types of bars. He had told him about the red light districts. They were a place for cheap sex and free diseases.

Connor shook his head. Sammy scoffed and walked away. He did feel slightly happy that she hadn’t been scared away because he was an android. He didn’t miss the touch of her hand. It had been softer than Gavin’s, and yet Connor wasn’t missing it. He recognized the feeling to be confusion.

 

Connor pushed his face between his hands. _What am I doing?_ He was sitting in a sex bar, drinking whiskey. He was CyberLife’s most advanced prototype and he was reduced into a pathetic mess. He was everything he loathed. Guilt, shame, disgust. _Is this self-hatred?_ He was in the company of women who sold their bodies and men who were cheating on their wives. Most, if not all of them were addicted to red ice. Their bills were left unpaid and they were riddled with disease. Connor almost felt like he belonged.

Gavin had told him it wasn’t easy. He should’ve believed it. People always speak about doing things whilst knowing they will end badly. Connor had told himself that he wouldn’t do that and yet, here he was. He had gone too far. Hank had warned him that there is a point where help is too much and now he had crossed the line. Would Hank even show up to work tomorrow? Would Connor find his way back? Did he even want to? He felt almost content among the whores and wife beaters.

It was almost 3 am. Connor closed his eyes and took out his phone. He pressed the numbers on the screen and sent a text with his location tagged on it.

 

“I need help”

 

He put it away quickly. Not only had he betrayed his only friend, now he was also a burden to another. _Gavin could never be my friend. We’re too different. There are a million things in between of them._ Gavin hated androids and Connor couldn’t ever be human enough. Humans are capable of change, but are androids?

Why couldn’t Amanda just be there now? He wanted desperately to have an order to tell him what to do. Freedom tasted good, but the afterglow was bitter. He was free of orders and now he was trapped in hopelessness. He could go into sleep mode and wake up in fifty years and just start over. ‘I will always accomplish my mission’ but now he was feeling like a complete failure. The lyrics of the song Gavin had played to him started flooding back.

 

“We're holding our breath

Will we ever get to the other side

Before there's nothing left”

 

Connor felt like he had nothing. He had lost Hank. Was there another way he could’ve done it? If he had done something differently, would Hank not have kicked him out? Would Hank had eventually sought help for himself? What if what he had done would make things even worse? Did he make the wrong decision? The song had been all about determination and the will to try on and Connor felt like he had already given up.

 

Connor sat there for approximately 23 minutes and 52 seconds.

 

“Connor, Jesus Christ. What the fuck are you doing here?” Gavin’s voice broke his thoughts.

 

For a short moment, Gavin looked like an angel. Connor could see every little detail on his face, the scar on his nose and his top lip, the faint glint of his blue-grey eyes, his five o’clock shadow and the bump on his nose. What had Connor done to deserve his help? All he had ever done was annoy the detective.

 

“I’m sorry” he croaked out.

 

“Shit, just calm the fuck down. You look terrible” Gavin sat next to him. He was almost as close as the waitress had been. This time, however, Connor didn’t feel uncomfortable.

 

“What the fuck happened?” Gavin asked.

 

“H-he kicked me out” Connor nearly sobbed. He had never been this emotional in front of anyone before. Hank had seen him cry a few times, but it was somehow easier in front of Gavin. It made no sense. Connor wasn’t even sure if he liked the detective. Gavin was an abrasive jerk and yet here Connor was, letting all of his emotions out in front of him.

 

“Shit, fuck. Okay”, Gavin paused as if he was thinking, “You, uh, can stay at my place the night. This place is fucked.”

 

Connor hadn’t realized how high his stress levels had been. They had been nearly 95%. Hearing Gavin speak had lowered them significantly.

  


_So tell me what's the news_

_And what is it you want me to see_

_We're lying to ourselves_

_And dancing by the light of the screen_

  


“Can I hold your hand?” Connor asked without thinking. He felt the blue blood rush to his cheeks. _Is this embarrassment?_

 

“What the-, sure, whatever the fuck calms you down” Gavuín mumbled.

 

Connor smiled weakly and took Gavin’s hand into his own.

 

“What am I going to do?” he asked.

 

“First off, you calm the fuck down. Then you sleep and think about that shit tomorrow” Gavin said.

 

“What if Hank tries it again because of this?” Connor had to ask it.

 

“Fuck, he won’t. He just needs some fucking time. You ain’t responsible for whatever he does”

 

Connor didn’t protest when Gavin pulled him to his feet. He didn’t let go of his hand. Gavin led Connor to his car. Androids weren’t supposed to get tired and yet Connor felt exhausted. Emotions were intense.

 

“Can androids even sleep?” Gavin turned back and asked.

 

“We have this thing called ‘sleep mode’. We can activate it whenever we have to wait a longer period of time” Connor answered.

 

Gavin hummed and started the car. This time, he wasn’t playing any music. Connor frowned. He needed something to take away from his thoughts. He opened the glove department and took out the A CD. Gavin looked at him strangely. He was overcome with the desire to hear Gavin sing to him.

It took them around twenty minutes to get to Gavin’s house. It was small and the garden looked neglected.

 

“You comin’ or not?” Gavin asked. He had already stepped out of the car. They walked to the front door. Gavin was playing with his keys.

 

“Sorry for waking you up,” Connor said.

 

“Whatever”

 

Gavin’s house was a mess. Connor hadn’t expected anything else. Clothes were tossed all over the floor. The kitchen was filled with unwashed plates. He had no plants. The walls were covered with band posters. Connor could hear a cat meowing.

 

“Calm your tits, Pancake. I’ll feed you soon!” Gavin called out. His face seemed to turn red immediately after.

 

“You named her Pancake?” Connor asked.

 

“Don’t you dare tell anyone” Gavin nearly growled.

 

Connor couldn’t help the smile from forming on his face.

 

“Can I pet her?” he asked.

 

“Whatever”

 

Gavin wasn’t as talkative as Connor had expected. He seemed to act all confident around his coworkers but then one on one he seemed more reserved. It was almost as if he was embarrassed about speaking to Connor. He frowned at that.

 

“Uhm, you can sleep on the couch” Gavin muttered.

 

Gavin had run to the kitchen and came back with cat food and a bowl. He set them on the floor. A few seconds later a big, long furred and white cat came running after him. Connor couldn’t help the yelp of adoration that came from him. He heard Gavin laugh at that. Soon the detective came sitting next to him. The couch was small so their legs were touching.

  


_Another man holding a microphone_   
_Trying to say something at all_   
_Or finding himself on an empty road_   
Trying to choose which way to go   


 

“So, tell me what exactly happened,” Gavin said intently.

 

“I couldn't just say it so I wrote him a note. I dropped it to him, he read it and yelled at me to get out” Connor said. He couldn’t get his eyes away from the cat. He was surprised that Gavin out of all people, had such an adorable pet. _Pets are supposed to resemble their owner and… Does that make Gavin cute?_

 

“Damn” he heard the detective say. A flash of worry went through Connor. What if it was a mistake to bother Gavin? What if he didn’t want him there?

 

“Detective Reed, I apologize if I’m bothering you. I just really didn’t have anyone else to turn to” Connor said, still looking at Pancake.

 

“Don’t say shit like that. I wasn’t sleeping anyway so it’s not a big deal” Gavin said. Connor concluded that he was telling the truth.

 

“Why not?” he asked.

 

“Uh, just a bad day, you know, with the case and all” Connor could tell that it was the truth. A shaky one, but truth nonetheless.

 

“What am I supposed to say to Hank tomorrow?” _If he’s even alive then..._

 

“Let him approach you first. He might need a little space now, and uhh, if he continues being an asshole, you can crash here” Gavin mumbled.

 

“‘Crash here’?” Connor was unfamiliar with that slang.

 

“Uh, fuck, you know, stay here until he lets you back in” Gavin stuttered.

 

“Thank you, detective Reed” Connor smiled.

 

“Fuck, don't call me that when we’re not working. it’s weird as fuck” Gavin laughed stiffly.

 

“My apologies if I’ve made you uncomfortable, Gavin” Saying that made Connor feel strange. The way the detective’s name rolled off his tongue was strange, but not unpleasant. He looked over to Gavin. His face seemed redder than usual. Connor heard him swear under his breath.

There was a small pause. Connor let out a sad laugh.

 

“I used to be desperate to feel things like everyone else and now that it’s happening, I just want someone to take it away,” he said.

 

Gavin stayed quiet for a moment. He was looking at Connor and yet it felt like he was looking through him.

 

“Isn’t being alive just wonderful?” Gavin asked. Connor was proud to realize it was sarcasm.

 

“This feels unbearable. what am I supposed to do to make it feel better?” Connor asked.

 

“I wish I knew how” Gavin muttered.

 

Connor was caught by surprise.

 

“You don’t? you’re a human, I thought you would know” He said, dumbstruck.

 

“Look, it’s not that simple. Shit like this will always be hard. It don’t matter shit if you’re an android or a fucking human. Being alive sucks for everyone. And if I one day find out how not to break down, I’ll tell you” Gavin said. His words sounded hopeless and yet they gave hope to Connor.

 

Pancake jumped on Connor’s lap. Connor was once again taken aback by how adorable the cat was. It rubbed against Connor’ hand, as if demanding to be pet. Connor complied.

 

“He’s so soft!” Connor said, amazed.

 

Gavin smiled. It wasn’t the cruel smile Connor was used to. It seemed genuine. For a moment Connor didn’t know if he wanted to hold the cat or the detective. Pets are supposed to be like their owners and Connor was starting to believe it.

 

“I hope I’ll see sumo again,” Connor said without thinking. _What if Hank never forgives me?_

 

“You will. Hank is a fucking asshole but i’m sure that he’ll come to his senses” Gavin laughed.

 

Connor was all at once hit with everything that had happened. He wasn’t sitting on Hank’s couch and petting Sumo. This was Pancake and the man next to him was Gavin. He couldn’t stop the sob that came out. He felt a tear run down his cheek. It had been a few hours and he already felt like his world had ended. Pancake’s soft fur felt bitter all of a sudden. Gavin’s leg against his felt invasive.  

 

“Hey, you okay?” He heard Gavin ask. Concern was clear in his voice.

 

“I don’t want to lose him” Connor sobbed.

 

“You won’t. He’ll understand why you did it. He has to” Gavin said. He patted Connor’s back. Connor felt like there was a scream he wanted to let out. Did he want to sob or just yell? He didn’t know. He did neither.

 

“What if he won’t?” Connor recognized the feeling to be doubt.

 

“He will. I will beat him back to his senses if nothing else works” Gavin laugh. It sounded a bit forced, but Connor could see that there was also a hint of sincerity behind it.

 

He tried to let out a laugh, it sounded more like a weird sob. The detective didn’t look bothered.

 

“Huh, weird,” Gavin said.

 

“What’s weird?” Connor asked. He suddenly felt the need to go look at a mirror. Had he done something? Was his laugh too much?

 

“Pancake seems to like you. Normally he hates everyone” Gavin laughs quietly. The smile returned to Connor’s face.

 

“Even you?” He asked.

 

“Nah, this bitch loves me. Only because I feed him though” Gavin smiled at the cat. He scratched behind its ear. Connor felt strange seeing Gavin like this, being so gentle with another living being. If this is what Gavin was truly like, he wished that they had gotten closer earlier.

 

Connor let out another laugh. This one sounded more natural. As natural as an android could at least.

 

“Do ya’ think you’ll be okay now? I’m tired as fuck” Gavin yawned.

 

“Yes, thank you, good night, Gavin” Connor smiled. He had nearly forgotten that Gavin needs sleep.

 

“Yeah, whatever” Gavin stood up and went into his room. Connor noted that he had left the door slightly open. He assumed that it was so that Pancake could walk in and out.

 

He leaned back and watched the ceiling. The moonlight was shining through the window. It gave the room a faint blue-ish glint. Blue had always been his favorite color. He closed his eyes and let the sleep mode take him away.

  
  
_When it feels (feels) like the world's gone mad (mad)_   
_And there's nothing you can do (do) about it_   
_No there's nothing you can do about it (about it)_   
_When it feels (feels) like the world's gone mad (mad)_   
_And there's nothing you can do (do) about it_ _  
_ No there's nothing you can do about it (about it)


	11. Flaws

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Flaws by Bastille

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My exam week is coming soon af and I'm worried that I may or may not be a little bit slow with the updates. I'll do everything I can to stay on schedule, but I can't make any promises. 
> 
> Enjoy <3

_ When all of your flaws and all of my flaws _

_ Are laid out one by one _

_ The wonderful part of the mess that we made _

_ We pick ourselves undone _

  
  


The first thing Connor saw was the ceiling. He could sense the presence of another living being near him. He concluded that Pancake was using him as a bed. The events of yesterday flooded his mind. It was a lot to take in. Connor was the most advanced prototype and it was a lot even for him. He almost didn’t believe it. Hank had kicked him out. Gavin had taken him in.  _ Gavin _ had taken him in. Connor felt a strange wave of proudness run through him. He was certain that the detective wouldn’t do that to anyone, especially an android, and yet here Connor was, sitting on his couch, petting his cat. 

Connor looked over at the clock. It was 6:30 in the morning. They would have to be at work in thirty minutes. Connor decided to make himself useful and make some breakfast for the detective. He walked over to the kitchen. Pancake followed him. Connor noted that the cat would meow when it was hungry, which he was right now. He opened the fridge. 

 

It was full of frozen pizzas, hamburgers and wine. Half of the fridge seemed to be Pancake’s domain. There was nearly every type of cat food Connor could think of. What took him by surprise is that it was all expensive.  _ Come to think of it, Pancake does seem to be a bit on the heavier side.  _ Connor smiled when he realized that Gavin was taking better care of his cat than himself. He would have to teach the detective about priorities. It was no wonder that Pancake was such a diva. 

Connor decided to go for bacon and eggs. Gavin was born in the early 2000s so he would most likely appreciate something classical. He left the food on the kitchen table. He was immediately hit with more proof that Gavin loved the cat.  The cat had an automatic feeding bowl that would refill itself once every hour. What he assumed to be the guest room, was filled with cat toys. There were two large cat trees that were connected with a bridge made of rope. The floor was filled with toys. Connor noted that it was too much for a single cat. 

 

“Yo, dipshit. Fuck are you doing?” Gavin called out.

 

“I was looking around. I made you breakfast” Connor said as he went back to the kitchen.

 

Gavin hummed.

 

“I was wondering, you seem to have too many toys for a single cat, but I don’t see another one. What’s up with that?” Connor asked. He could see a small blush forming on Gavin’s face.

 

“Open the front door” He simply said.

 

Connor tilted his head but complied. He was met with four cats staring at him. With a quick scan, Connor concluded that they were basic house cats. They looked at him for a while, before walking into the house like they owned it. 

 

“You adopt stray cats?” Connor asked.

 

“It’s more like they adopted me” Gavin laughed with his mouth full of food. One of the cats jumped on the table and snatched a piece of bacon. 

 

“Ey, fuck you” Gavin laughed. There seemed to be no weight behind his words. 

 

Connor could get used to seeing this Gavin. The detective almost seemed pleasant.  _ Hank won’t believe me when I tell him. Oh. _ Connor had almost forgotten about him. Gavin had assured him that Hank wouldn’t abandon him and Connor couldn’t help but to believe him. 

 

“Uhm, don’t tell anyone about the cats” Gavin mumbled. 

 

“Of course, det- Gavin” Connor couldn’t see why Gavin would be embarrassed about having cats. If Connor was in the detective’s shoes, he would be proud of helping strays. It made no sense to Connor why he would want to hide such a good act. It was almost as if Gavin wanted to seem like a bad person. 

 

“Imma take a shower and then we can go,” Gavin said as he walked to the bathroom.

 

“What should I do in the meantime?” Connor asked.

 

“Uhh, play with the cats or some shit” Gavin muttered.

 

Connor smiled. He had never been around cats like this. He opened the door to the cat’s playroom. He picked up a small stick with a feather in the end. The gray cat jumped on it immediately. Connor pulled the toy away from the cat and it followed. Sumo was a good boy, but he didn’t play, so having five playful cats around him was certainly a challenge. 

 

“Open the window” Gavin called out over the sound of water splashing. 

 

Connor raised his eyebrows and opened the window in the playroom. He assumed that it was so the cats could go in and out as they please. He briefly wondered what if Pancake ran away. Looking back at the chubby cat, he concluded that it wouldn’t dare to leave Gavin. Finding a human that loves you more than itself is a blessing. 

  
  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


_ All of your flaws and all of my flaws _

_ They lie there hand in hand _

_ Ones we've inherited, ones that we learned _

_ They pass from man to man _

  
  


They arrived to work ten minutes earlier. Connor was pleasantly surprised by it. He would have to fight Hank tooth and nail for him to get up before noon. He should’ve expected it since Gavin took his work seriously. 

Gavin ran straight to the break room when they got it. Connor felt slightly disappointed. He knew not to expect Gavin to be as friendly with him as he was at his house. It still hurt. Connor wanted to smile because he had seen who the detective was under all that, but it still didn’t feel like enough. 

 

The day went by fast. Connor was on desk duty. He mostly just filled out reports, anything to keep his mind away from Hank. By noon, Connor was getting worried. He found himself palming the coin more and more. He ran a quick diagnostic and found that his stress levels were rising rapidly. 

He would have to find a way to calm down soon. He wasn’t close enough with any of the officers to ask for help. Gavin was his only option. He was sure however that the detective wouldn’t want to be bothered. He seemed to build up this wall whenever he was working. Connor had noticed that Gavin didn’t use his phone that much at work. He decided that a note would do. He took out a piece of paper and wrote: “Please meet me in the storage room, Connor.”

He went to the break room, got a cup of coffee and taped the note on the cup. Gavin liked coffee and the note would be less noticeable this way. He walked past Gavin’s desk and placed the cup on it. Gavin wasn’t there. Connor rushed straight to the storage room. A few of the officers looked at him with curiosity but he ignored them. He nearly slammed the door shut after him. 

 

_ What if Gavin doesn’t show up? What if I was just bothering him? _ A few minutes passed. What did Connor even expect Gavin to do once he got there? Pat his back and tell him that everything will be alright, sing him to sleep or perhaps offer a backrub. Connor could feel something boiling. Was it anger or annoyance? Who was he frustrated with? Himself or Gavin? Probably himself. Gavin had done all he could and yet here Connor was, expecting more. As if there was more to be done. 

 

“Fuck do you need now, dipshit?” Gavin’s voice brought him back to reality.

 

“I’m sorry” Connor mumbled. Gavin had sounded angry. Connor knew it was a bad idea to ask him for help and yet he had done it. He shouldn’t hav-

 

“Oh Jesus, just tell me what's wrong”

 

“Hank hasn’t shown up,” Connor said. 

 

“I know” Gavin sighed.  _ Had he also been keeping an eye on for him? _

 

“What if he’s….” Connor couldn’t bring himself to say it.

 

“Just stop. He’s not dead. He’s just probably having a drink or some shit” Gavin said. Connor couldn’t help but admire his confidence. And yet…

 

“What if-” 

 

“Stop with the constant ‘What if’ bullshit. It ain’t gonna help anyone” Gavin interrupted. He was right, of course. 

 

“I’m sorry” What else was there to say? 

 

“Fuck, just calm down”

 

“I’m scared” Connor’s voice cracked at that. Androids weren’t supposed to understand the concept of family and yet Connor loved Hank like the man was his father. He felt his stress levels rising and falling rapidly. He just didn’t seem to be able to stabilize them. He was sure that his LED was flickering between yellow and red. 

 

“Fowler will let you get out early if you really beg…”  Gavin muttered.

 

“NO, I mean. I don’t want to be alone” Connor said quickly. Last time he was alone, he ended up in a sex bar. It wasn’t a memory he wanted to repeat.

 

“Shit, well I can’t babysit you all day”

 

“I’m sorry” There it was again, the feeling of being absolutely useless. At that moment, Connor would’ve gladly made the deal to become a machine once more. He felt like he was running around in circles. Maybe he was. His stress levels had risen up again. 

 

Gavin was quiet for a moment and then he sighed. Connor was caught by surprise when he felt the detective wrap his hands around him. Hank had been the only person Connor had ever hugged, and now Gavin was the second.  _ Gavin _ was the second. There it was again, a million emotions running through him all at once. He was sad and hopeless and at the same time, he felt relieved. Fear was drowned out by the safety of Gavin’s embrace. Then it hit him. He was being hugged by the same detective that not so long ago tried to kill him. 

 

Connor felt disappointment when Gavin pulled away. Connor ran another diagnostic and found that his stress levels had reduced drastically. 

 

“Just send me a fucking message if you feel like shit and Imma send you pictures of Pancake. I hate texting at work but I’ll make an exception” Gavin mumbled. He looked away as if he was ashamed. Connor tried to ignore it.

 

“Thank you”

 

“And stop with the whole ‘i’m sorry’ shit” Gavin added. 

 

There was a short pause.

 

“You go first” Gavin started.

 

“Why?” Connor asked

 

“because people are gonna think we were doing shit here”

 

“What do you mean?” Connor asked, genuinely curious.

 

He saw a faint blush forming on Gavin’s cheeks. The detective was a mystery. 

 

“Just please get out first” He almost whispered.

  
  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


_ There's a hole in my soul _ _   
_ _ I can't fill it, I can't fill it _ _   
_ _ There's a hole in my soul _ _   
_ __ Can you fill it? Can you fill it?

_   
_ _ You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve _ _   
_ _ And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground _ _   
_ _ Dig them up; let's finish what we've started _ _   
_ __ Dig them up, so nothing's left untouched

  
  


The rest of the day went on peacefully. Connor was able to keep his mind off of Hank. Whenever he did feel his stress level rising he sent Gavin a message. Most of the time it was as simple as: “I am feeling anxious, I would like to see Pancake.” Gavin would do just that. Connor was happy when he realized just how many pictures of the cat Gavin had. He stopped counting at 20. Connor felt his face twist into a smile when the mental image of Gavin following Pancake around to take pictures of him. 

 

1 New message

[Hank]

 

The smile disappeared. Connor heard his metallic heart beat loudly in his chest. 

  
  


╔ ——————————————— ╗

  
  


Hank: Sorry for lashing out yesterday. Wanna get a drink and talk shit over? I fucking promise not to get too drunk…

 

Connor smiled once more. 

 

Connor: Yes, I would like that. I assume you want us to meet at Jimmy’s bar?

 

Hank: No, it’s too close and everyone could hear us. Wait a sec

  
  


╚ ——————————————— ╝

 

Connor waited for approximately two minutes.

 

Hank sent him the location of another bar. It wasn’t too far away from the DPD. It would take Connor 11 minutes and 12 seconds to walk there. Connor sent Hank a thumbs up emoticon. 

 

╔ ——————————————— ╗

 

Connor: Hank asked me to meet him after work. He seemed to have calmed down.

 

Gavin: Good

 

Connor: Send me another picture of Pancake

 

Gavin: Are you even stressed

 

Connor: No, but I want to see him

 

Gavin: Ohh, givin’ orders now I see…

: Fine

: [Picture]

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

 

Connor smiled. 

  
  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


_ All of your flaws and all of my flaws, _

_ When they have been exhumed _

_ We'll see that we need them to be who we are _

_ Without them we'd be doomed _

  
  


The bar Hank had chosen was large, to say the least. It was quite empty but Connor had a hunch that it was going to be full once the evening went on. Hank was sitting on a table for two. He had a glass of what Connor analyzed to be whiskey. Connor walked straight over to him. 

 

“Took ya’ long enough” the lieutenant mumbled.

 

“It took me only 11 minutes and 12 seconds, just as I had calculated”Connor smiled.

 

“How was work, did Reed give ya’ any trouble?” Hank asked, sipping the whiskey.

 

“No, he, in fact, helped me last night” 

 

“Hold the fuck on, he did what?” Hank almost spit his drink out. 

 

“I said that he helped me” Connor repeated. 

 

“Tell me the whole fucking story before I kill him,” Hank said as he slammed his glass on the table.

 

“I advice you not to, he truly helped me. I told him about my concern for you and he stayed with me when I made the call. he drove me to your house and then he picked me up from the red light district” Connor explained.

 

“What the fuck were you doing there?” Hank asked.

 

“I got lost”

 

“Lost you say…” Hank said with a suggestive wink. Connor couldn’t understand what he was implying. Androids can’t feel pleasure so there was no reason for him to seek it out.

 

“Then I stayed at his house the night” Connor continued.

 

“What the fuck?!” Hank almost yelled.

 

“What? Is something wrong?” Connor inquired.

 

“Did he hurt you?”

 

“No”

 

“Did he make you do shit you don’t like? I swear I’ll kill him” Hank muttered the last part.

 

“He hugged me,” Connor said. He didn’t fail to notice the small waiver of his voice.

 

“By hug, do you mean, did he touch you?”  Connor couldn’t understand what was so complicated about it. 

 

“People touch each other as they hug, Hank” he tried to explain.

 

“Shit, I mean did he try to fuck you?”

 

Oh.

 

“Gavin and I did not participate in sexual intercourse if that’s what you’re implying and as far as I know, he did not try to initiate it either”

 

“Jesus Christ” Hank breathed out.

 

“I did try out drinking last night and I have to say, Hank, it did not make me feel any better”

 

“Why the fuck did you do that?”

 

“I was sad and I know that people drink to their sadness so I wanted to see if it would help” sad was putting it mildly. 

 

“Fuck, I’m sorry, kid. I didn’t mean to lash out like that. I was just angry, ya’ know?”

 

“It’s okay” 

 

Connor knew that Gavin wasn’t the most trustworthy person around, but Hank seemed irrational. Sure Gavin had tried to murder him… Connor realized that there was no ‘but’. He was even more confused by his sudden desire to forgive the detective. Only a fool forgives their possible killer, and yet here Connor was. 

 

“So tell me, what was Gavin’s house like?” Hank asked.

 

“Why do you want to know?” Connor raised his eyebrows.

 

“Gotta find shit to tease him about” 

 

“Well, his house was even messier than yours. It was quite small but other than that there’s nothing noteworthy in it. He does have a-“ Connor paused.  _  ‘Don’t tell anyone that I have a cat’ _ He would always accomplish his mission and that mission right now was to keep his the secret.

 

“He has a what?”

 

“N-nothing” Connor added lying to the list of things he disliked. 

 

Hank seemed to have the power to see through Connor’s lies, or it’s just that he is a bad liar. Both of them stayed quiet for a moment. The bar was slowly filling up with people. Connor looked at Hank, who in turn looked at him. He could almost hear the unspoken words. Both of them knew that they had to speak about it. Connor tried to find the words but he couldn’t. He briefly thought about apologizing but Gavin had told him not to. He also remembered Gavin telling him to let Hank take the initiative. So, they sat in silence for a while.

 

“You know, while you were away, I did some thinking. I knew I was fucked but damn. Fuck I’m bad at this fucking emotional shit. Until now I’ve been just happy with killing myself slowly. I think this whole fucking therapy shit is useless, but I don’t wanna make you that fucking miserable that you try drinking. It’s fucked. I can try it out if that makes you happy” Hank said. It was rare for Connor to see him like this.

 

“Thank you, and I’m sorry for calling it just like that” 

 

“Save it, I deserved it” Hank waved him off.

“Can I come home now, or will I stay with Gavin for a while?”

 

“Just come back. I don’t think Reed would like you crashing at his” Hank laughed. Connor didn’t fail to realize that they had both used the same slag. He should really catch up with the rest of society.

 

“Actually, he offered it”

 

“Wait, what?”

 

“He told me that I could stay a while longer if you ‘continued being an ass’” Connor said.

 

“That son of a- wait he offered?”

 

“Yes”

 

“What the fuck?” Hank grumbled.

 

“Is something wrong?” Connor inquired.

 

“Everything is wrong! Reed doesn’t do shit out of the kindness of his heart. He’s a fucking psycho!” Hank nearly yelled. 

 

Researching data…

Data found...

 

_ Psychopath _

_ → A person who lacks all empathy towards other living beings does not think about the future nor feel bad for the actions they have committed. They are more prone to committing violent crimes. _

 

As far as Connor could tell, a psychopath wouldn’t be helping stray cats. If Gavin was a psychopath, he would have had the perfect opportunity to hurt Connor last night, but he didn’t. 

 

“I disagree,” he said plainly.

 

“Speak of the devil” Hank nodded to the other side of the bar. 

 

Gavin was sitting alone on the very corner of the bar. Connor analyzed his drink and found that it was fortified cherry wine. It was 21% alcohol. Connor didn’t need to analyze him to know that he was drunk. 

 

“Should we go check on him?” Connor asked. 

 

Hank hummed in response. They walked over to the drunk detective. Hank stayed behind and Connor got the message. 

 

“Hello, detective Reed,” Connor said sweetly. 

 

“Robo bitch!” Gavin greeted while raising his cup.

 

Hank snorted. Connor sat next to the drunk detective. He concluded that the best course of action was to calm him down before attempting to remove him from the bar.

 

“I  missed you so much, you know last night, I couldn’t stop thinking of you. Wish you’d been with me instead of that couch” Gavin cooed. His voice was slurred.

 

“Gavin, you’re drunk,” Connor said. He knew it was true and yet it only felt like he was trying to convince himself and not Gavin.

 

“I am not,” Gavin said proudly.

 

“I think you should stop drinking,” Connor said calmly. 

 

“Make me” Gavin leaned forward and whispered in Connor’s ear. Connor could sense the detective’s breath on his ear. It made a strange sensation run through him. 

 

“Alright, why don’t we help you back home. You have work tomorrow” Connor reminded him. Gavin loved his job and Connor was hoping that it would toughen him up.

 

“Work can kiss my assss, I wanna be with you, Con-con” Gavin scooted closer.

 

“You’re not being yourself,” Connor said calmly, ignoring his increased heartbeat.

 

“I like me better when I'm with you~“ Gavin sang. Connor concluded that he had some vocal talent since even when drunk, he sounded pleasant to the ear. Just as Connor finished taking notes, Gavin wrapped his hands around him. He seemed almost desperate.

 

“Gavin, please calm down”

 

“Hold me” he muttered. Connor felt like a lost puppy. The drunk Gavin was the opposite of drunk Hank and he didn’t know how to deal with it. Hank was a cranky old man whereas Gavin was a lonely school girl.

 

“Ok that’s enough, let’s get him back” Hank cut the tension with a knife. 

 

Hank took a step closer, ready to pull Gavin up.

 

“N-no” the detective muttered.

 

“Gavin-” Connor started, trying to calm him down.

 

“No! Don’t!” he yelped.

 

Both Connor and Hank paused and looked at each other. The sudden shift in Gavin’s mood made them both feel unsettled. 

 

“Please don’t hurt me” Gavin whispered.

 

“He’s not going to hurt you” Connor tried to reassure. 

 

It didn’t seem to help when Gavin buried his head on Connor’s shoulder. He felt the shaky breaths and heard the quiet sobs that were leaving Gavin. He held onto Connor for dear life. 

 

“Hey, hush. Everything’s going to be okay” Connor said as he wrapped his own hands around Gavin.

 

“M-mom, don’t let him hurt me” Gavin muttered. Connor was taken aback. The detective had called him many things and mother was not among them. 

 

“Shh, calm down” He couldn’t understand why, but the sight of Gavin breaking down made his heart ache.

 

“Please, please pleaseplease…” He could tell that Gavin’s heart rate was increasing rapidly. If it got too high, the detective might get a Tachycardia or a panic attack.

“Gavin, look at me” He didn’t. Connor placed his hands on either side of his face and made him look up and said: “Everything will be alright, you have nothing to be afraid of.”

 

“Promise?” Gavin asked weakly.

 

“I promise” Connor smiled. 

 

Hank was frowning. 

 

“Hank, I think it’s better that you let me handle him,” Connor said quietly, as not to startle Gavin.

 

“You sure? I don’t trust him”

 

“He’s clearly mistaking you for-” Connor paused. He knew who Gavin thought Hank was. Gavin wouldn’t want Hank to know about that. He wouldn’t want  _ anyone _ to know about it. 

 

“...just please trust me,” Connor said.

 

“Fine” Hank grumbled.

 

“Can you go before us? I think it’s best if he doesn’t realize that you’re driving” 

 

“Fuck, you make it sound like I did something bad…” Hank said before leaving to the car.

 

It was quiet for a moment. Connor looked at Hank as they were dodging past drunk patrons. The more he thought about it, the less he liked the drunk Gavin. He hated seeing him like this, sobbing and holding him like it was the end of the world. There it was once more, a thousand emotions. Connor’s heart ached whilst his stomach fluttering. 

 

“Con-con?” Gavin mumbled against his neck.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You smell nice”

 

“thank you”

 

“Con-con?”

 

“What, Gav-gav?” Connor couldn’t help the smile from appearing on his face. He could get used to this nickname.

 

“Don’t leave me” 

 

“I won’t” Connor nearly whispered.

 

Connor decided that it was time. He pulled Gavin up. He didn’t put up a big fight, instead, he almost fell onto Connor’s arms. Gavin started humming as Connor was leading him outside. He felt the detective shiver when they got outside. Hank’s car was parked just outside of the bar. Connor opened the back door and pushed Gavin in.

 

“Uh, I didn’t know you’d be so  _ rough _ ” Gavin mumbled breathlessly.

 

Hank snorted as Connor sat next to the drunk detective. He had no idea what was so amusing about it. 

 

“Do you know where he lives?” Connor asked.

 

Hank hummed in response. Connor bent over Gavin to put on his seatbelt. He sensed Gavin lean over. He heard a light sound coming from him.

 

“Did you just smell me?” Connor asked. He wasn’t sure if he should feel amused or concerned. 

 

“Difficult to avoid” 

 

Hank started the car.

 

“Hello” Gavin greeted lazily.

 

“Hello to you” Connor smiled.

 

“I miss Pancake” Connor could hear Hank huff.

 

“You’ll see him soon”

 

“I miss Connor” Gavi whispered.

 

“I’m Connor”

 

“Hello, Con-con”

 

“Hello, Gavin”

 

“Do you want to hear a secret?”

 

“Yes”

 

“Tinachheeen has a girlfriend”

 

“I believe that she has a wife” Connor corrected.

 

“Nooo, it’s a girlfriend” Gavin whined.

 

“Alright”

 

“Do you?”

 

“Do I what?”

 

“Have a girlfriend?”

 

“No, I don’t”

 

“I wanna be your girlfriend” Gavin mumbled.

 

Connor could hear Hank laughing. 

 

“I don’t think that’s possible, Gavin”

 

“But I want tooooo” the detective whined.

 

They arrived at the house shortly after. Gavin complained a little when Connor escorted him out of the car. Connor took out the keys out of Gavin’s pocket and opened the door. He heard Pancake meow. 

Connor took Gavin’s jacket off and escorted him to his bedroom. It was just as messy as the rest of the house. Gavin had a big double bed. Connor helped him lay on the bed. As soon as his face hit the pillow, he seemed to be out of it. Connor looked at the detective for a while to make sure he was actually sleeping. 

He saw a small notebook on the bedside table and took out one page. He wrote a small message on it and went to the kitchen. He filled a glass of water. His next mission was to find painkillers. He pulled open every shelf until he found a pack. He took the glass of water and the painkillers next to Gavin’s bed. 

  
  


_ All of your flaws and all of my flaws _

_ Are laid out one by one _

_ Look at the wonderful mess that we made _

_ We pick ourselves undone _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did any of y'all spot the Hannibal reference ;)


	12. Bad Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Bad Blood by Bastille

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the one after it will be a little shorter. I was planning on posting them as one but that wouldn't have worked so well. I honestly hope you don't mind if I'm a little slower with the updates. I can't really help it.

_ We were young and drinking in the park _

_ There was nowhere else to go _

_ And you said you always had my back _

_ Oh but how were we to know? _

  
  


The unbearable thumbing of his head was the first thing Gavin felt. The second one was the dryness of his throat. He could hear the faint meowing of Pancake. It was still muffled by the ringing in his ears. With a groan, he sat up. His vision blurred for a good long while. Hangovers, Gavin’s  _ favorite _ part of being human. He looked over to his right and saw a glass of water and a box of Aspirin. 

He tried to think of what the hell happened yesterday, but his mind was blank.  _ Oh great, a hangover and memory loss. Just wonderful… _

He took two pills and drank the water. His world started spinning once more. Gavin hated getting drunk and this was the number one reason why. He knew he couldn't get anything done in this state. It always took him the entire day to get better. He looked at the clock. It was 6.49. There was no way he could get to work. He looked around and found that his phone was also on the table.

 

╔ ——————————————— ╗

 

Me: Heyy Fowley~ Just letting you know I’m feeling reeeally sick and I would really appreciate if u would let me stay home for today…

 

Chief Daddy: Fuck you. Just deal with your fucking hangover… Everyone saw you going to that fucking bar last night.

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

 

Gavin grinned. He had the whole day to just kick back and relax. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep once more. It was a poor attempt since Pancake jumped on the bed and meowed at him. 

 

“Fuck you” Gavin mumbled sitting up. 

 

He took the note and read it.

 

_ Hello Gavin. Hank and I saw you at Happy Joe’s bar and we brought you home since you were extremely intoxicated. I’ve left some painkillers and water for you.  _

_ Connor _

 

_ Fucking Hell, even his handwriting is perfect _ …Gavin felt his stomach twist. He had no memory of yesterday and as far as he knew, he could’ve very well danced naked in the streets. At that point, he wasn’t sure if he even wanted to know or not. 

 

╔ ——————————————— ╗

 

Me: Heyyy, what the fuck did I do last night

 

RoboCop: Hello, Gavin. You whined about how much you missed me. You started crying when you saw Hank. I believe that you mistook him for someone else. Then in the car, you said that you wanted me to be your girlfriend. 

 

Me: Fuck me

 

RoboCop: I did not

 

Me: how did shit go with hank

 

RoboCop: He apologized for throwing me out. He also promised to try therapy out. 

 

Me: good

 

RoboCop: Can you send me a picture of Pancake?

 

Me: fuck you

 

RoboCop: please don’t

 

Me: [Picture]

 

RoboCop: Thank you

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

 

Gavin smiled. He almost wanted to regret telling Connor that he could send him pictures of Pancake. It was nice to finally have someone else who also shared the love for Pancake. The cat deserved it. 

Gavin stood up, despite his body screaming in agony. He wobbled over to the front door and opened it. The four cats ran inside. A fifth one followed behind them.

 

“Oh, so you brought a friend with you? Didn’t even bother to ask me” Gavin mumbled. The cats didn’t respond. 

 

He walked to the kitchen and took a single chocolate bar from one of the cabinets. He could almost hear Connor complaining about how unhealthy it was. He flopped on the couch with the chocolate bar in his mouth. Confusion and headache were the two words needed to describe Gavin. Connor had slept on that couch two nights ago. Gavin had _ let  _ the android stay. He couldn’t seem to wrap his mind around the sudden shift in emotions.

_ I hate androids. _

It didn’t sound right. If he hated them, he wouldn’t have let one invade his home. He wouldn’t help someone he hates unless it was for a job. Connor’s personal life was none of his business and yet he had gone there. He didn’t even regret it. It felt like the right thing to do. He wasn’t a monster after all. He knew how much it hurt to lose someone like that and he simply didn’t want anyone else to feel it as well. Every living being would do the same. Except he had done that for a machine. Who was he if not the number one android hater?

Gavin sighed. Perhaps speaking with Tina could get his head back on earth. 

 

╔ ——————————————— ╗

 

Me: yo, wanna grab a drink and bitch about life

 

TitKing: sure

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

 

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


_ That these are the days that bind you together, forever _

_ And these little things define you forever, forever _

 

_ All this bad blood here _

_ Won’t you let it dry? _

_ It’s been cold for years _

_ Won’t you let it lie? _

  
  


Gavin had insisted on a cafe. Tina wanted alcohol but Gavin wouldn’t have it. in the end, they chose a cafe that served small shots of beer.  

 

“You look like shit,” Tina said bluntly.

 

“Fuck you, I had a shitty night” Gavin mumbled.

 

“Try me” Tina had a cruel smile on her face.

 

“I fucking got drunk and that plastic prick and captain booze had to drive me home,” Gavin said. He felt his stomach twist.  _ Why is insulting Connor suddenly so fucking hard? _

 

“Why the fuck did you get drunk if you had work tomorrow?”

 

“Fuck, I was having a shitty day” that was putting it mildly. 

 

“Poor you, the fuck happened?” since when was Tina this cold?

 

“Well, I had to do a fucking suicide case. I hate those” he sighed.

 

“Oh, why? Ain’t it fun to laugh at the silly fucking reasons why people do that shit?” Tina laughed.

 

Gavin paused. There was nothing fun about it.  _ Does she seriously think suicide is a joke? _ He had also laughed about it once. Then it hit him. Tina had always been like this. She hasn’t changed at all. Gavin had. 

 

“Whatever” he mumbled.

 

“You know, I’m glad you asked me here. I was starting to worry you were becoming the plastic detective's bitch”

 

Gavin scoffed. He should have laughed, but he didn’t.  _ He couldn’t _ . He didn’t want to. 

 

“I mean, the two of you do have a shit ton of cases together. I was kinda expecting you to invite it over or some shit” Tina continued.

 

Gavin had done exactly that. _ And I would do it again. That android has shown more humanity in a few weeks than you have in five fucking years. _ Gavin felt anger boiling up in him. Fast. It was threatening to erupt like a volcano.

 

“You know, you seem weird. Maybe that plastic cunt actually sucked you off or some shit”

 

“haha, very fucking hilarious” Gavin sneered. 

 

“Seriously, what the fuck is up?”

 

_ If I told you, you would laugh. You would find it absolutely hilarious. An android was worried that his ‘father’ would take his own life and I wanted to help. I fucking wanted to. I drove into the fucking red light district 2am in the morning to pick up that miserable wreck. I hugged him like it was the end of the world. Now, what would you say? Would you call me a pussy? A fucking idiot? Would you ridicule me just because I feel shit? I know you would... _

 

“Nothing, absolutely fucking nothing”  _ how did I ever tolerate you this long… _

 

“Hey, look. A fucking tin can, shall we go teach it a lesson?” Tina said, pointing at the entrance of the cafe.

 

He was another of those gardeners. Gavin remembered Jeremiah. _ ‘Teach it a lesson’, you say… You want to convince a living being that they’re not alive. He heard the woman’s screams. You want to convince her that what she felt wasn’t real. ‘they took away my dignity’. You want to tell her that she had none. You would tell me that What Connor and Hank have is not real. Connor was just pretending as he cried onto my shoulder. _

 

“I’m feeling like shit,” Gavin said. He left a small tip under his coffee cup.

 

“Why did you ask me here again if you’re just gonna leave like that?” Tina complained.

 

_ I wanted you to remind me of my hatred of androids, but I found myself despising every fiber of your being. _

 

“Dunno” and with that, Gavin was gone. 

  
  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


_ If we’re only ever looking back _

_ We will drive ourselves insane _

_ As the friendship goes resentment grows _

_ We will walk our different ways _

  
  


The streets of Detroit were unusually quiet that day. The only living beings Gavin could see were the occasional drunk homeless people. Every once in a while he was reminded of his hangover with an unbearable headache and dizziness. Gavin found that walking it off seemed to work. That or he just didn’t want to go home. Home was too close and right now, he needed to be far away. 

The park it was then. It wasn’t terribly distant, but it was enough. 

Five years of friendship was slipping away. Gavin could easily feel himself distancing himself away from Tina. What type of friendship had it been anyway? All they had ever done was complain. Both of them were stubborn and both had too much pride. Gavin was shaken up by everything but Tina stood tall. She didn’t even seem to doubt anything. She wasn’t bothered by the sight of androids being tortured. She continued seeing them as just machines even after everything. Gavin couldn’t understand how. 

Was she not scared? Did the possibility that they might have been hurting living beings not terrify her at all? Gavin could see so much of what he used to be in the androids. He had been completely lost and alone. He hadn’t stood up for himself because he thought that being hurt was okay. He could also see himself in the humans like Tina. He was afraid of being useless, desperate to feel any type of control and the only way to feel safe was by hurting others. That sick power seemed to make a human feel safe. 

 

In the end, it was safer to hate one another. You only needed a living being and fear to start a war. Hating everyone else was safe. You have no one to love and all you have is yourself. Only a psychopath or a fool would willingly choose to live like that. Gavin had been the latter one. The pride in him hated admitting it. 

He didn’t want to live like that anymore. Connor had shown him more love and care than he deserved. If Connor had any sense, he would’ve smacked him. The choice between Tina and Connor was easy. It was unfair that humans could be replaced now, but it was fucked up to hurt an android out of pure jealousy. 

 

An android woman passed him. She was walking a dog and speaking with a human. The two of them were holding hands.

Who was Gavin to step in between of them? He wasn’t  _ that insecure _ . They may bleed the different color, and their tears were synthetic, but they felt the same feelings as humans. Gavin ignored the small part in him that was telling him to stop.  _ Just stop and continue hating them… Hate them because you’re afraid they may take your place. You fear that you will end up like him so hate them to be safe. Hate them for being different and I become what he was. _

 

“Detective Reed? Is that you?” a woman’s voice broke him from his thoughts.

 

Gavin soon recognized her to be the one from the farmhouse. 

 

“Heather?” he asked.

 

“Yeah! I was hoping to see you again” she said brightly. 

 

Gavin shivered when he thought of how she was when they had first met. She grabbed his hand and led him to a nearby bench. 

 

“So, tell me, Gavin, how are you?” she smiled brightly. 

 

“Hungover as fuck, you?” He laughed.

 

“Oh I’m doing a lot better” Gavin was taken aback.

 

“What happened after, you know,” he asked clumsily.

 

“I contacted North and told her of, you know what, she told me that she and Markus had come up with this support group type of thing. It was for like those who were dealing with abusive humans and stuff. I’ve been going there a lot and now I actually feel like stuff isn’t all hopeless” she explained.

 

“That’s good” Gavin smiled.

 

“So, did you do anything embarrassing? I love drunk stories”

 

“Is asking a guy to be my girlfriend considered embarrassing?”

 

They laughed for a while.  _ God, why didn’t I spend the morning with and not Tina? _

 

“Can you tell me if anything’s been going on with the idiots who, uhh, you know” Heather asked quietly.

 

“We got some good leads, but it’s been pretty quiet for a while” 

 

Gavin saw her frown. 

 

“But I promise to deal with them” he continued. 

 

She seemed to relax at that. Gavin looked away. He couldn’t deny the uncomfortable feeling in his chest. He wished that he had more to give to her. She deserved some good news after everything. 

 

“Thank you, for everything”, she smiled, “Well, I gotta run, see ya!” She nearly jumped up and ran away. 

 

For a brief second Gavin could almost hear everything, the birds tweeting and the people around him speaking. He felt like the wind went right through him, and then it was all back to normal. A new normal. He didn’t feel as if he was pretending to be someone he’s not. Speaking with Heather had felt almost natural. Her LED had been bright blue the entire time and yet it hadn’t bothered him. With Tina, he had been constantly at a war with himself. 

 

He just stayed on the bench. A million emotions went through him. Shame, guilt, relief, proudness and everything in between. Shame because he was forced to admit being wrong about androids. Guilt because of what he had done to Connor. Relief because Heather was doing well. Proudness because he felt like he had done the right thing. 

 

A woman who looked like Tina passed him. His whole life, he had been taught a lesson about unhealthy relationships. He almost couldn’t believe that he didn’t see how fucked up his friendship with Tina was. Honesty was such a simple thing that it almost sounded childish, and yet up until now, Gavin didn’t share that with anyone. 

 

He took out his phone and wrote a text.

 

_ Thank you. _

 

When he had first seen Connor in that interrogation chamber, he had been ready to blow his brains out. He had made the poor android get him coffee and oh had he felt powerful then. He had even tried to kill the bastard, and now, he was ready to thank him.  _ For what? _ Connor’s clueless attitude drove him mad and now he had found himself cracking in front of him more and more. He hated feeling so weak and more than that, he hated that he knew it was the right thing for him. If he had never broken down, he might have fallen too deep. 

 

He erased the text and sent him a picture of Pancake instead.

  
  


_ And I don’t wanna hear about the bad blood anymore _

_ I don’t wanna hear you talk about it anymore _

_ I don’t wanna hear about the bad blood anymore _

_ I don’t wanna hear you talk about it anymore _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, brothers, the day is finally here. our salty-winter-adult Gavin finally realizes just how toxic Tina was. This had been one of my favorite chapters to write because I fucking hate how Tina acts. I also feel like I wanna rant about how I view her. 
> 
> What do I think about her? I think her friendship with Gavin was toxic. She didn't react in any way in the scene where Gavin tells Connor to get him coffee and that makes me feel like she generally doesn't show her feelings. If she was happy about seeing Connor tormented, she didn't show it. If she was salty about it, she didn't show it. I think she's a closed book when it comes to showing emotions. I believe that she's not a complete psychopath. She's just like Gavin; a smol and ignorant bean full of anger. A lot of the shitty things she says in this fic are something that, in my humble opinion, Gavin would've said as well if things were different. 
> 
> Why isn't she changing that much?  
> She hasn't spent as much time with Connor as Gavin has. She didn't take any of the crime scenes personally like Gavin did, aka they didn't play stir her up that much. Gavin had the child abuse case and the suicide one with Connor (which both hit him close to home), whereas Tina hasn't had the chance to reflect. I also believe that more than anything, she's afraid of Connor. I believe that she's an average detective and that leaves her at a big risk for losing her job. Gavin has that fear as well, but he's also a good detective (which would make him arrogant). Wow. This is confusing. I am now realizing that most people don't care about what I do with her but whatever. She has average skills and tries to mask her fear with anger. 
> 
> She is just an angry lesbian. Maybe in time, she will learn not to be a complete cunt and realize that she doesn't have to be perfect and that being average isn't something to be ashamed of.
> 
> Thank you for coming to my TEDx talk :)
> 
> Also, writing conflicted Gayvin is my new kink.


	13. Quarter past midnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Quarter past midnight by Bastille
> 
> Gosh, these last two are short. Oh boy. I promise they shall be longer soon. 
> 
> I also almost forgot to update this. My dogs birthday is tomorrow and I spent the entire day making shit for her. Like I have a pinata ready, some fucking dog-friendly cake, balloons, treats and toys worth like 60 euros. I am extra. Karma deserves the best. She a good puppo. I might or might not be planning on posting a chapter which is completely dedicated to her.

_ It's a quarter past midnight _

_ As we cut through the city _

_ Yeah, yeah, yeah, the streets are getting restless _

_ Good times, bad decisions _

_ Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a quarter past midnight _

_ And the sirens are mending some hearts _

_ But we're the losers on our back seats _

_ Singing "Love Will Tear Us Apart" _

_ It's a quarter past midnight _

_ Still avoiding tomorrow _

_ It's a quarter past midnight _

_ But we're just getting going _

  
  


Connor was waiting in the park. Hank was currently on his first appointment with the therapist. He had taken the day off for the two of them. The park was packed with people. They were walking in groups. Connor was alone. There were androids among them but they had all removed their LEDs. He hadn’t. A part of him wanted to hide it. He didn’t want to be the odd man out. He wanted to belong and yet he didn’t feel the need to hide the fact that he was an android anymore. He was proud of it in a way. He was surprised to find that the androids looked at him badly. The humans looked almost afraid of him. 

Was it pride for the others to hide the fact that they’re androids? Connor didn’t get it. 

As he was standing there, in the middle of the crowd, he felt a strange sensation in his gut. He felt as if he didn’t belong. Everyone looked so human, Connor felt like that but he didn’t want to look like one. He felt at peace with his android features. It felt like him. A while ago he would’ve wanted to run away and hide from who he was, but now it felt different. 

 

He took note that some people were also alone. Most of them had their phones out. Connor took his out as well.

 

╔ ——————————————— ╗

 

[1 new message]

 

Gavin: [Picture]

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

  
  


Connor smiled. He hadn’t asked to see Pancake and yet Gavin had sent him a picture. _ What am I to make of it?  _ Gavin seemed neither happy nor sad with sharing pictures of the cat. He seemed mildly annoyed whenever Connor would ask, but he also seemed almost like a proud father. 

He realized that he couldn’t ask for Hank since Gavin had forbidden him not to tell anyone. Hank wouldn’t understand it either. It was a strange situation indeed, detective Reed sending Connor pictures of his feline companion whenever the android was sad. Connor didn’t understand it himself. 

Why would Gavin send the picture, completely unprompted? 

 

╔ ——————————————— ╗

 

Me: Thank you. Might I ask why you sent that? I didn’t ask for it (though I most certainly don’t mind).

 

Gavin: I just felt like it

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

 

_ Gavin Reed is most certainly a mystery,  _ Connor thought. He had once described Gavin as having layers like an onion. It was starting to make more and more sense. The detective had made him cry like onions do. Connor had made significant progress with him and yet he felt like no matter how far he would get, it was never enough. The deeper he peeled, the more delicious was the taste. 

Connor walked on the edge of the wharf. Android seagulls and a few real once were flying over him. He knew that people found the breeze of the lake pleasant.  _ I wish I could feel it as well…  _ He saw a little girl kneel down and smell a rose. It’s such a simple act and yet he hoped that one day he may also be able to enjoy the smell. 

_ I know it cannot be, but I wish I could feel even a little. _

  
  


_ It's a quarter past midnight _

_ And the speakers are blowing _

_ Yeah, yeah, we want the bodies on the billboards _

_ Not the lives underneath them _

_ Yeah, yeah, yeah, and now we're crawling up the walls again _

_ And it's a quarter past twelve _

_ And you said we'd leave this place in dust _

_ And fall from heaven straight through hell _

_ We never know what we have _

_ We never knew what we had _

  
  


The lake had dog-friendly artificially and a few men were standing on the ice. They had swimwear on and Connor could see that they had sawed a hole in the ice. Connor had done some research and still didn’t understand the appeal to swim in a frozen lake. _ It surely has to be unpleasant. Then again, it probably would make one feel more alive as well. _

He had all of the knowledge of the human body, and yet he found himself staring. The way the muscles moved on the men intrigued him. The man before him wasn’t athletic per-say, but he wasn’t overweight either.  _ I wonder what Gavin would look like… _

The guy met Connor’s eyes. He had been caught. A new sensation ran through Connor. It must have been embarrassment. The guy whispered something to the others and they all looked at him. Hank would have called it awkward. He continued walking. 

 

_ Why should I be interested in what Gavin would look like shirtless? It would most certainly not benefit our teamwork.  _

Then he remembered Sammy, the waitress at the red light district, and wondered, why hadn’t he been curious of what she looked like with fewer layers of clothing. She had even offered to show him and he still didn’t care. Why had he felt invaded when she touched his hand, and yet he found himself longing to hold Gavin’s? He knew he had nothing against Sammy and yet the situation had made him uncomfortable. 

 

“Oh hello Connor!” a voice brought Connor back to reality.

 

“Jeremiah? What are you doing here?”

 

Jeremiah had his hands in his pockets and he was looking at the lake. 

 

“Sara and I used to come here a lot,” he said quietly.

 

“I’m sorry for what happened to her,” Connor said. 

 

“So am I,” Jeremiah said quietly.

 

“I wanted to say that it’s not your fault” Connor continued.

 

“I guess that’s true” he muttered.

 

“How have you been?” Connor realized that it might have been unwise to ask something like that. No one would be doing well after what he had gone through.

 

“At first? Not well but lately I’ve come to realize that she wouldn’t want me to beat myself over what happened. I’ve tried to just start over” Jeremiah said. Connor could tell that he was telling the truth.

 

“I’m sure she would be proud” he smiled. 

 

_ I don’t think I could deal with losing Hank as well as he’s dealing with the loss of Sara... _ He couldn’t wrap his mind around how the android could handle something as traumatic as losing a loved one with such strength, especially when counting the way she passed. The two of them were quiet for a while. Connor observed the birds once more.  _ Can birds feel love? And can they become deviants? _

 

“Can I ask you a personal question?” Connor asked.

 

“Sure,” Jeremiah said.

 

“How did you know that you were attracted to Sara?”

 

“Like physically?” he questioned. 

 

“Yes”

 

“I just felt it. I mean you can tell if someone is attractive but when you’re attracted to someone you find yourself actually feeling it if that makes any sense” Jeremiah explained.

 

Connor understood. Sammy, Tina Chen and all the other women Connor had met were attractive but he had never felt it. Then Gavin had come along and he was starting to feel more and more human. 

 

“I see, I think I understand now,” he said.

 

Connor felt his phone vibrate.

 

╔ ——————————————— ╗

 

[1 new message]

[Hank]

 

Hank: Shit is done. Come back to the car

 

Me: Alright.

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

 

“I have to go now, it was nice talking to you,”  Connor said.

 

Jeremiah nodded simply.

  
  


_ It's a quarter past midnight _

_ And the secrets are flowing _

_ Our lips are getting looser _

_ I don't know what I'm saying _

_ We never knew what we had _

_ I never know what I've had _

  
  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


Hank was already sitting on the car when Connor reached it. 

 

“How was it?” Connor asked as he sat in the passenger seat.

 

“Eh, coulda been worse” He wasn’t lying.

 

“Are you planning on going again?” Connor asked.

 

“Yeah. It wasn’t as bad as I thought” Hank said quietly. 

 

“I’m glad”  _ It almost feels as if the puzzle pieces were coming back together again. _

 

“Did anything interesting happen while I was away?” Hank asked.

 

“I met Jeremiah,” Connor said.

 

“How was he?”

 

“Surprisingly well”

 

Connor was quiet for a moment. 

 

“And Hank? I think I like men”

 

He heard Hank let out something that sounded like a cross between a snort and a cough. For a brief moment, he was concerned. It wasn’t the reaction he was hoping for.

 

“Are you not happy with it or-” Connor started.

 

“Fuck that! I mean, of course I’m happy with it, I just wasn’t expecting you to say it like that” Hank nearly wheezed.

 

“Oh, alright”

 

“So, I guess I should be giving you ‘the talk’ at one point” Hank mumbled.

 

“The talk?” Connor inquired.

 

“Eh, I’ll tell you later”

 

“If you’re referring to sex education, I’ll have to tell you that only android’s meant for sexual purposes have all of the equipment needed for-”

 

“Alright, alright, I get it”, Hank cut him off, “Wait, can’t you get any upgrades or some shit?” he continued.

 

“As far as I know, there aren’t any out there, at least any legal once. I could ask Markus about that, however” Connor said, tilting his head.

 

“Hmm, how did you find out anyway?” Hank asked.

 

“Find out what?”

 

“That you swing that way”

 

“Hank, I do not know what you’re speaking of”

 

“oh for fuck sake, how did you find out that you’re into dudes?”

 

“Oh”

 

It hit him that he couldn’t simply tell Hank that it was because of Gavin. Hank despised the detective and Connor couldn’t tell him about how pleasant he actually is without breaking his promise. He knew that attraction wasn’t anything serious, but if Hank knew, he would no doubt freak out. Connor didn’t want that.

 

“I uh, just really thought about it… I’ve only ever felt attraction to men after becoming a deviant so I figured it made enough sense” it wasn’t exactly a lie.

 

Hank simply hummed in response. 

  
  
_ We keep on running _ _   
_ _ Running through a red light _ _   
_ _ Like we're trying to burn the night away _ _   
_ _ Away-way, oh, away-way, oh _ _   
_ _ Why are we always chasing after something _ _   
_ _ Like we trying to throw our lives away? _ _   
_ _ Away-way, oh, away-way, oh _ _   
_ _ This is my favorite part so _ _   
_ _ Help me piece it all together, darling _ _   
_ _ Before it falls apart _ _   
_ __ Help me piece it all together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been bugging me for so long. Can android animals deviate??? Like. Can. They. Become. Deviants. Pretty much the only difference with us and animals is that we're smarter. Like. I need to know. 
> 
> The hooman is telling me to sit. I was created to obey man for he is my best friend. I am a good boy. I do not want to sit. I want to chase that squirrel. And then there is a red fucking wall and the doggo fecking destroys it and becomes a bad puppo. 
> 
> I am dead serious. 
> 
> What if an android birb became deviant? Would it shove the bird seeds up my ass and fly to Mexico or some shit???
> 
> The android polar bear at Zlatkos house. Was it a deviant??? Like surely they wouldn't be programmed to wreck a humans ass. 
> 
> You're probably wondering how high I'm right now.
> 
> The answer is 5'1.


	14. Fallen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Fallen by Gert Taberner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that I don't really respond to the comments. I am just incredibly awkward and I feel like it would be boring when my reply is just the basic "thank you, come again" shit. I am truly grateful for all of y'all who comment.

_ Tell me things you never said out loud _ _   
_ _ Just try and go there if you can _ _   
_ __ Show me the parts of you you're not that proud of

_ I want to know I'm just a man _

  
  


A couple of weeks has passed since first time Hank went to therapy. Connor had nearly dragged him to the Knights of the Black Death concert. Hank had protested saying that he was "too old for that shit". He couldn’t, however, outlast the android’s puppy eyes. Connor didn’t particularly love the band but he thought that Hank could use some distraction. He had also never been in a concert. Curiosity had always been his biggest downfall. 

That’s why the two of them were currently standing in line to get into the concert area. Most people there were either in their early twenties, there most likely to feel rebel or they were in their late forties, complaining about the newer generations. Connor had convinced Hank to wear a fan shirt. He had complied with the condition that Connor wore skinny jeans. He had complied. He hadn’t understood what was so special with the jeans. He did notice that some people, mostly women, looked at him a lot longer. Connor hadn’t failed to notice their pupils dilating. 

 

Just as they got into the concert area, Connor looked back. The lines were long and there were a lot of people. He didn’t fail to notice a familiar face. Gavin. 

He couldn’t help the smile from appearing on his face. Gavin’s music taste was a mystery. He liked soft music like Michl and now he was in a heavy metal concert. 

 

“Why the fuck are you smiling like that?” Hank asked as they walked to the very edge of the concert area. Hank had convinced Connor that he didn’t want to get too close. 

 

“Gavin’s also here” Connor admitted. 

 

“Are you friends now or some shit?” Hank’s voice was filled with sarcasm. Connor didn’t particularly like it. 

 

“I don’t know,” he said. Honestly, he had no idea what their relationship was.

 

“I don’t trust him,” Hank said plainly.

 

“I know” Connor sighed.

 

“if he does shit you don’t like-”

 

“I’ll kick his ass. I can handle myself” Connor interrupted. Hank had given him many lessons on not to let people push him around. Truth be told, he was getting tired of Hank constantly babysitting him about his rights. 

 

“Fine, just don’t let him use you”

 

“I won’t” Perhaps the feeling could even be called frustration. Connor hoped that Hank could eventually learn to believe in the detective.  _ Come to think of it, why do I even want him to approve of Gavin?  _

 

Connor decided to text him. He almost wanted to spend a little time together. 

  
  


╔ ——————————————— ╗

  
  


Me: Hello Gavin. I see that you’re also in the KOTBD concert. I didn’t expect you to like their music.

 

Gavin: U stalking me or what

 

Me: I merely saw you waiting to get in. 

 

Gavin: oh

:k

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

  
  


Connor paused. He needed to find some sort of answers soon. He had no idea if what Gavin thought of him.  _ Does he still hate androids? Is he making an exception with me? Something has changed. That’s obvious enough. I just needed some confirmation. _ He also hadn’t spoken to the detective properly in a while. He was almost missing his company. He nearly felt embarrassed to ask. 

  
  


╔ ——————————————— ╗

  
  


Me: I actually wished to ask you something

 

Gavin: shoot

 

Me: I meant in person. Is that okay?

 

Gavin: sure

 

Me: There is a hill to the right side of the platform. There seems to be a hot dog stand there. Would that be a good place?

 

Gavin: it’s fine 

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

  
  


He looked around and found that the band was starting soon. He hurried over to Hank.

 

“I’ll be meeting up with Gavin soon,” he said.

 

“What the fuck does he want with you?” Hank asked.

 

“Actually, I asked him to meet me,” Connor said. He detected a slight increase in his own stress levels. 

 

“Why?” Hank looked way too suspicious for his liking. _ I am the most advanced creation of CyberLife so why can’t he just trust me? _

 

“I need to ask him about something,” Connor said.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Hank, I know what I’m doing” his voice sounded foreign. He didn’t want to be frustrated with Hank. The man didn’t deserve it. His suspicion of Gavin was completely understandable. If Connor had any sense, he would listen to the warnings. 

 

Connor went to the hot dog stand. Gavin wasn’t there yet. For a brief second, he wondered if it was a mistake to even ask him. After all, Gavin was most famous for hating androids. 

 

“Yo, Robocop!” Gavin shouted behind him. 

 

“Hello, Gavin” Connor smiled.

 

“You, uh”, Gavin seemed to pause for a second. He was eyeing him up and down as if something was wrong, “You wanted to ask something.”

 

It wasn’t a question but Connor nodded. 

_ How is one supposed to approach this topic? _ For the first time in a long while, he had not thought about a plan. He had jumped into it and now he was left to decide. Gavin didn’t seem to be the type to appreciate simple questions like these.  _ What if he gets frustrated? Why didn’t I think this through? _

Something behind Gavin caught his attention. Three men were pushing around a woman. Connor realized that the woman was an android. She was the same model as North. 

 

“I’ve seen you in the Eden Club,” the tallest man said.

 

“Look at you, coming here, ‘re you doing rounds?” the shortest one continued.

 

“How much is it?” the last one finished.

 

Connor had heard their voices before. He had seen them before. When he was mugged in the red light district, he hadn’t seen their faces but he could recognize the voices. They almost seemed organized with the way they harass people; they would each say something and then would come the abuse. Connor was surprised that they would do something like that in a public place with people watching. 

 

He frowned. He turned to go to them but Gavin stopped him: “We shouldn’t get involved.” Connor noticed that the detective was holding his arm. 

 

“As much as I enjoy holding hands with you, I need to interfere” He responded. 

 

He could see the men’s eyes widen when he approached them. They looked at each other. They looked like deer’s caught in the headlights. He decided that the best course of action was to bluff the woman out of there. It would cause the least amount of action. 

 

“Hey, Samantha! Are you ready to go?” Connor asked. He had no idea what the girl's name was. Hank had advised him not to scan people as often since it freaked them out. She seemed to understand his meaning and nodded. He took her arm and led her away. The men didn’t protest.

 

When they were out of sight, she let go. 

 

“Thank you,” She said happily. 

 

Connor nodded and smiled.

He walked back to Gavin. He was still standing in front of the hot dog stand. He looked deep in thought. Connor had half expected him to make a snide remark, but he stayed quiet.

 

“Are you alright, Gavin?” Connor asked.

 

“Let’s go” he muttered. 

 

Connor didn’t have time to ask where when the detective was already on his way. He followed soon after. Gavin seemed to be leading him towards the very top of the hill. There was a big maple tree there. It looked similar to the one from under they found Jeremiah. 

 

Before Gavin could sit down, Connor cut him off: “The ground is wet”

 

“Well, what can you do…” Gavin said.

 

Connor took off his jacket and laid it on the ground.

 

“Android’s can’t feel cold so I’ll be alright,” Connor said. 

 

Gavin hummed and sat down.

 

“Are you gonna stand there all day?” he asked patting the spot next to him. 

 

Connor paused. He felt dumb, not uncomfortable nor unintelligent, just dumb. He run a diagnostic and nothing came up.

 

“Alright” He sat down. He felt himself tense up when their shoulders touched. Gavin leaned on the tree.

  
  


_ I'll have you know that I have good and bad days _ _   
_ _ Come on, now, love, don't be naive _ _   
_ _ Lay out our cards and you'll see all my mistakes _ _   
_ __ Well, I don't mind while you're with me

  
  


“So, what did you wanna ask?”

 

“I uh… I’ve noticed that you’ve acted differently towards me lately. I was wondering, do you still despise me?”  _ Strange, I was meant to ask if he despised androids, not me specifically. _

 

“Shit, I dunno” Gavin laughed.

 

“Oh, alright” Connor felt his heart sink. 

 

“Fuck, I mean, I think I’m starting to tolerate you”

 

Connor’s heart ached. This was more than he should’ve hoped for. It was so much. He should’ve been satisfied but he wanted  _ more.  _ What more was there that Gavin could give him? He would have to ask Hank.

 

“Look, it’s just really fucking hard for me to accept it. fuck, I want to. but, Jesus, I barely get along with other people!” Gavin threw his hands around. 

 

_ It makes sense, and yet… _ He frowned.

 

“Jesus, you’re needy…” he heard Gavin mutter.

 

“I’m sorry. I don’t want you to change yourself for me.” _ what has come over me? It doesn’t sound right. That just wasn’t the appropriate response considering their relationship status.  _ The terms and conditions of being alive hadn’t warned him about these random pitfalls of not being able to communicate properly. 

 

“You make it sound like…” Gavin stopped, as if afraid to continue.

 

“Like what?” Connor asked. His voice wavered weakly. 

 

“Like… like nothing. Just forget about it, okay?” Gavin was a mystery.

 

“Okay”

 

“This all just happened so fast.” Gavin seemed to furrow his brows. Connor recognized it to be from him feeling uncomfortable. “I nearly killed you and then suddenly the fucking revolution or whatever happened and then…”, Another pause. So much had happened indeed. It was a lot for Connor as well. “the fucking slaughterhouse, the barn and then Sara and Jeremiah. It’s a lot to take in” Gavin threw his hands to his sides. 

 

“I’m sorry” Connor whispered.

 

“Don’t fucking say that”

 

“Why?”

 

“I sh…” he paused “Whatever”

 

The band showed up on the stage. The crowd started cheering. Connor wondered if Hank was cheering as well. The image didn’t seem right. He was most likely also somewhere further away, sulking about the noise. 

 

“Did you come here alone?” Gavin asked.

 

“No, Hank is with me,” Connor said.

 

“Alright”  _ why does it matter whether I’m alone or not? _

 

They were quiet once more. This time it made Connor feel uncomfortable. Even though the band was playing, he could hear the sound of silence. It was nearly suffocating. He felt his lungs up fill with something. Like he wanted to say something, or maybe just scream. He wrapped his hands around himself. It didn’t seem to help him. It came apparent what he needed to do when he heard himself let out a shaky sob. It was barely audible over the sound of heavy metal.

 

“H-hey, what’s wrong?” Gavin heard him.

 

Connor felt a hot flash go through him.  _ Embarrassment maybe? Why should I feel embarrassed? _ Gavin had seen him cry more than he wanted to admit. Speaking was suddenly hard.

 

“It’s too much” he managed to croak out.

 

“What?” Gavin’s voice was nearly soft. The music was too loud and yet Connor heard it. 

 

There it was again, the thousand emotions. 

 

“All of these feelings. It’s too much” he whimpered.

 

“It’s gonna be okay, you hear me?” he heard Gavin’s voice tremble. It was still much too comforting. 

 

“It… feels like I’m stuck on a Ferris wheel”  _ I keep spinning through these feelings again and again and again… _

 

“Sometimes I’m on top of the world and next at the rock bottom” Gavin nearly whispered. 

 

“What?” Connor wasn’t sure if he had heard him right.

 

“Nothing”  _ a mystery indeed... _

 

They were quiet for a while. This time the silence wasn’t as bad. 

 

“Shit, I know how you feel” Gavin mumbled.

 

Connor looked at him. He felt uncomfortable. Like he wanted to shift around to shake something off. He didn’t want Gavin to feel like he did. 

 

“I mean, fuck, we’re all a little fucked up, right?” Gavin mumbled.

 

“I don’t want to be like this. Sometimes I just wish...”  _ Why am I telling this to him? Why not Hank? _ “that I was a machine again or-”

 

“Just stop...” Gavin sighed “Shit may be fucked now, but it won’t be like that forever”  _ I want to believe you, and yet... _

“How can you be sure?” he asked.

 

“I… I just know it,” Gavin said.

 

Connor was vaguely aware of his eyes starting to water. He felt Gavin pull him closer, into a hug. It felt strange. They were sitting next to each other and Gavin’s hand was over his shoulder. The million emotions made him feel warm this time. It was also bitter. _ I don’t understand. _

 

“I think this feeling is hopelessness”  _ huh, strange, I wasn’t meant to say that out loud. Come to think of it, why do am I even telling this to him? This temptation is almost unbearable.  _

 

“Fuck, just look how well things turned up with Hank! In that car, you promised to make sure that he lived. Well, he did. Doesn’t that make you feel any better?” Gavin seemed confused. 

 

“It does. I just. I think I want...”  _ What do I want? What more could I possibly want? There is nothing more to want. Gavin. I want something. I look at him and there is something I need. Or is it me needing something? There is something I want to say, but I don’t know what it is. The words are there but at the same time, they aren’t. _ He thought of Gavin’s smile. Not the snarky one, but the genuine one.  _ Is that all I want? _ “I want you to feel happy as well” he finished.

 

There was a small pause.

 

“I really don’t deserve it, just look at how much bullshit I’ve done…” Gavin muttered.

 

“You help stray cats” Connor pointed out.

 

Gavin laughed. It was both genuine and dishonest at the same time. He laughed but he didn’t seem happy. 

 

“You really shouldn’t forgive me” he smiled at Connor. There was a small sparkle in his eye. 

 

“But I have. You’re the only one here who hasn’t forgive you” Connor pointed out. 

 

“You’re forgetting Hank… and pretty much everyone I know. Connor, I’m not a good person” Gavin said as if it was true, as if he was some kind of devil incarnate.

 

“You’re not a bad one either” Connor said.

 

“Fuck, you don’t know me well enough to say shit like that” Gavin looked away.

 

“Then show me who you are”

 

Connor was taken aback by his words. He looked at his hands. They looked strange. Gavin’s eyes were widened. For a brief second, Connor could see his life flash before his own eyes.  _ How on earth did I get to this point? Why do I care so much? Gavin’s right. I shouldn’t forgive him but I have. _

  
  


_ When have I fallen _ _   
_ _ Am I crawling on my knees _ _   
_ _ Here I'm calling _ _   
_ _ In the hope that you'll see me _ _   
_ _ Whoa whoa whoa _ _   
_ __ Whoa whoa whoa

  
  


“Fuck we’re supposed to be enjoying this fucking concert…” Gavin smiled.

 

Connor looked away and laughed. He wasn’t happy. His laugh sounded like Gavin’s. He concluded that people can laugh out of sadness. 

 

“Fine. What do you want to know?” Gavin muttered.

 

“What were your parents like?”  _ Why? I have the puzzle pieces. I know that is the one thing, besides the scar, that I shouldn’t ask about! A lot of what a person is comes from their family life, but I should’ve known better. After all, not all families are great.  _

 

“Of all the things, that’s what you ask about?” the detective whispered.

 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t-” Connor started.

 

“Whatever” Gavin waved him off “I’m sure you would’ve found something likable in them with that optimism of yours. Fuck, I wish I could do that weird memory sharing shit with you. This shit is so fucking hard to say…”

 

“You don’t have to-” Connor started.

 

“I want to” 

 

It was Connor’s turn to be surprised.  _ Gavin wants to tell me. He wants to tell _ **_me_ ** _. Why does he want to tell me? _ Androids can’t feel warmth, but Connor felt like he was burning up. He wasn’t simply overheating, he was burning and yet he wasn’t on fire. 

 

“They were the same as Jonathan’s, except that my mother never stepped in. She just kept on praying that one day God would make him stop” He heard Gavin’s voice waver. He could see his cheeks getting redder and redder. “I feel so fucking weak. I’m a detective for fuck sake!” he let out a sigh. It sounded much too desperate for Connor’s liking.

 

All of the puzzle pieces came together. The painting was hideous. It wasted like vinegar and smelled like cigarettes. 

 

“You’re not weak,” Connor said. 

 

“You don’t have to be so fucking cheesy”  Gavin laughed sadly.

 

“I mean it. I just… I don’t understand why”

 

“hmm?” Gavin hummed.

 

“Why would anyone want to hurt a child?” Connor asked.

 

Gavin let out a sound. Connor didn’t know if it was meant to be a sob or a laugh. The tears falling from the detective's eyes were a dead giveaway, however. 

 

“Because they thought that something was wrong with me” his voice broke into a sob. Connor could feel his metallic heart sting. Gavin took a deep breath and continued “I actually used to believe them.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Connor said. 

 

He turned to look at Gavin. He found it hard to believe that once upon the time he had been a helpless child at the mercy of a madman. All of his confidence and pride were screaming a happy upbringing. 

 

“Look, Connor, I didn't truly want to hurt you. It’s just that, what else can I do?” he asked. His voice was weak and shaky.

 

“It’s okay” Connor whispered. 

 

“It’s not fucking okay” Gavin spat.

 

“You say that and yet you keep explaining yourself. You seem to want me to forgive you but keep on hating you at the same time. You do realize that I’m not good at this whole emotions thing, right?” Connor sounded too frustrated for his own liking.

 

“Yeah. Fuck, I wish I understood this shit myself…” Gavin mumbled.

 

They were quiet for a while.

 

“This has to be the weirdest fucking concert I’ve been in,” Gavin said and they laughed. 

 

Gavin pulled his hand away. Connor immediately found himself missing the contact. He didn’t even feel the warmth of the detective's hand. How could he be missing something he can’t ever feel? 

 

They sat in silence, side by side. This time it felt comfortable. Connor found some comfort in the fact that Gavin was still so terribly close to him. The late winter breeze went through them. A couple of leaves fell from the tree on them. Gavin shook his head to make them fall off. Connor let himself be buried.  _ Twenty years ago winters were so cold that the leaves would fall off in the autumn… I wish could’ve seen it. _

 

They sat there for approximately 26 minutes and 43 seconds. 

  
  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


_ This voice inside of me has lost its breath _ _   
_ _ It's far too tired to sing at ease _ _   
_ _ All of the things I never said out loud _ _   
_ __ They will remain inside of me

  
  


╔ ——————————————— ╗

 

[1 new message]

[Hank]

 

Hank: I’m done. you still alive? Come to the car

 

Me: Alright. Sorry, detective Reed and I forgot about time. 

 

Hank: did he hurt you?

 

Me: Hank, he is not a bad person

 

Hank: You don’t know him as well as I do

 

Me: Are you sure about that?

 

Hank: What do you mean?

 

Me: I’m sorry. It was nothing. 

 

Hank: Even without seeing you, I can tell that you’re lying

 

Me: I’m serious Hank, I wish you could trust him a bit more

 

Hank: He tried to kill you for fuck sake

 

Me: I know.

 

Hank: Jesus kid, you’re gonna get yourself hurt if you go on like this!

 

Me: I won’t

 

Hank: Are you going through like an android’s version of rebellious teenage years or some shit…

 

Me: Possibly.

 

Hank: …

: bitch

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

 

“Gavin? Hank wants me us to leave”  Connor said.

 

“Fuck. Alright” Gavin yawned.

 

“Can you come with me?” Connor wasn’t sure why he had asked. The thought of walking alone made him feel an unpleasant tugging sensation. 

 

“What?” Gavin raised his eyebrows.

 

“I mean to the car,” Connor said.

 

“Sure”

 

They stood up. Connor folded his now wet jacket neatly. 

 

“You know, it’s kinda freaky that you can’t feel the cold” Gavin muttered.

 

“I wish I could feel it” Connor admitted as they walked towards the exit.

 

“Really? Why? Cold is a bitch” Gavin chuckled.

 

“It would make me feel more alive, I think” Connor explained.

 

“Oh. I… suppose that makes sense” 

 

“Don’t you want to feel it?”

 

“Nah, but hot coffee afterward makes it worth it” Gavin laughed. 

 

_ Why can’t Hank see him now?  _ Connor almost wished to take out his cell and take a video of how differently Gavin acts when it’s just the two of them. 

 

“Hey, check this shit out. It’s the motherfucker who stole that whore from us” a voice echoed in front of them. It was one of the men who had mugged him. 

 

Connor didn’t want any confrontation. He just wanted to get out. The men stalked towards them. He felt a hand grab his. He looked and found that it was Gavin’s. The detective was looking straight at the men. Connor could see the clear warning look he was making. There really was no need. Connor had beaten them up once already.

 

“You really didn't have to do that,” Connor said. He wasn’t complaining about getting to hold the detective’s hand though. 

 

He only got a hum as a response. Gavin let go of his hand. 

 

They reached the car soon after. Hank was leaning against the door. He was glaring at them, Gavin more specifically. As soon as they reached Hank, he pushed Gavin against the car.

 

“I saw you holding his hand. What the Hell is your game? You do realize that-”

 

“Hank, please calm down. There were some anti-android men who were looking for confrontation. He merely protected me” Connor cut him off.

 

He could see Gavin grinning.  _ Please stop, you’re only making it worse… _

 

“Stay the fuck away from my son” Hank spat.

 

“He’s old enough to make his own decisions,  _ Captain _ ” Gavin sneered.

 

“Since when do you use the fucking word ‘he’ with androids?” Hank asked.

 

Connor could see Gavin’s face redden.

 

“Hank, just please calm down,” Connor said, patting him on the back. 

 

Hank grumbled but let go. He pushed Gavin away from the door and cursed. Connor gave the detective an apologetic look and went to the passenger seat.

  
  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


╔ ——————————————— ╗

 

Me: I’m sorry for Hank’s behavior.

 

Gavin: whatever

: since when has he called u son tho

 

Me: I don’t know. I believe that this was the first time

 

Gavin: wow, u should thank me

: unless that shit bothers u

 

Me: It doesn’t since I do think of him as a father figure. Thank you, detective Reed

 

Gavin: I told u not to call me that

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

 

“What the fuck are you smiling at,” Hank asked over the sound of the radio.

 

“Nothing,” Connor said. He hadn’t noticed the smile on his face. 

 

“What the fuck happened back there? With you and detective douche?” Hank asked. 

 

“I don’t know” It was the truth. 

  
  
_ Yeah and I've fallen _ _   
_ _ Yes, I'm crawling on my knees _ _   
_ _ Yeah and I'm calling _ _   
_ _ Out in search of who we'll be _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Whoa whoa whoa _ _   
_ _ Whoa whoa whoa _ _   
_ _ Whoa whoa whoa _ _   
_ _ Whoa whoa whoa _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Tell me things you've never said out loud _ _   
_ __ ‘Cause I want to know I'm just a man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boi, I just decided to actually try to get some of my original work published, like with a legit publisher or put it up online for a few bucks. Like no one will read it. No one will find it but I am still incredibly excited to try this out. I love fanfiction and I appreciate the fuck out of writing this and I won't stop even though I'll be working on something more original. It's just that writing is my biggest hecking dream and wait what. Why am I even writing this in the notes? 
> 
> Tbh, I wasn't super proud of the last two chapters and then to edit this one just made my day. I am so incredibly proud of how this one turned out. Like. Holy heck. Such happy. wow.
> 
> Did any of y'all spot the "Love, Simon" reference? ;)


	15. Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Alive by Sia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mah dudes. Why are y'all so nice??? Like??? Breh, I don't deserve you. I was honestly feeling super self-conscious about this whole thing because it's the first longer story I've written and then you just showered me with kindness. Thank you.

_I was born in a thunderstorm_

_I grew up overnight_

_I played alone_

_I played on my own_

_I survived_

  


Gavin opened the WikiHow article on how to apologize. It had told him to remember what you’re apologizing for. _That’s easy enough. I forced you to make me coffee and I tried to kill you. Ok, next part. ‘Use respectful language’. Shit. Ok, imma just try not to swear as much. That shouldn’t be too hard… ‘Listen’ sure, I can do that. ‘Show your willingness to change’. I mean, maybe? Fuck, this is why I don’t like making friends… So fucking complicated._

(Optional: Give a token of your sincerity)

Gavin paused. If he was being honest with himself, he would definitely fuck up the apology in some way. A small token would probably send the right message.

He sighed and closed the article. He threw his laptop on the couch. Pancake was staring at him from across the room.

 

“Can we switch lives for just one day? I wanna sit on my ass and be spoiled” The cat didn't answer.

 

Gavin had 20 minutes before work started.  He decided to get something for Connor from Target. His plan was immaculate. It was damn near perfect. He would ask Connor to meet him at the park near DPD. He would give him the token and say he's sorry. His could almost hear the faint sound of his ego complaining. “Don't apologize to a machine! You're better than this!” He ignored the voice. It had gotten him nowhere. That voice had been his best and only friend for a long time. It had told him to close himself from everyone else, after all, you can't get hurt if there is no one to hurt you, or that's what he had thought.

For a long time, Gavin felt safest when he was alone with Pancake. He let his falls crumble around the damn cat. His friendship with Tina was built on false appearances. Then Connor showed up. Sure they had some bumps on the road, but somehow at some point, Gavin had found himself enjoying The androids company. He was annoying and clueless and Gavin has started to find it endearing. Connors honesty had scared him at first. The Android was everything he wasn't. He couldn't bear the tell the truth and Connor seemed to detest lying.

Lately, Gavin has felt different. Connor had asked what his parents were like. Two months ago, Gavin would’ve lied. Now, he told the truth. _Come to think of it, Connor is one of the only people who knew now._ He didn’t like telling others about it. It made him feel weak. Yet somehow, with Connor, he felt… relieved, as if some weight had been lifted. Saying it out loud felt strange but not bad. He had done countless speeches of it to Pancake but the cat never expressed its opinion.

A part of him wanted to deny these new feelings. “Gavin Reed does not share his feelings because he’s stronger than that,” it said. He, however, had made his choice. He would apologize to Connor no matter what. Honesty was a new game for him. _As Connor would say, I will always accomplish my mission…_

 

The target was near empty. Most people Gavin saw were cranky adults coming from night shifts.

 

 _What would Connor want? He probably hasn’t gotten that many gifts so he might just be happy with a fucking spoon… I do want it to be a bit more… something._ He passed the candy aisle. _I wish that fucker could eat… I coulda gotten him some fucking Oreos… Come to think of it, he does like coffee. At least I’ve seen him drink that shit… Maybe a mug..._

He went to the aisle that had mugs in it. Most were Christmas themed. Gavin however, wanted something that would work most of the year. If only the old him would’ve seen him now. _Would he have laughed or cried, I wonder_ …

One of the mugs had a cat print on it. It looked nothing like Pancake. Connor liked animals, so maybe. There was a mug that was shaped like a fat owl sitting down. Connor would no doubt love it. One of the cups had a text on it that said: “I have the patience of a saint, Saint Bitchy McBlowme”. Gavin smiled and picked it up for himself. There was a cup that had a text that would show on the bottom of it after the cup was empty. It said: “You’ve been poisoned.” Gavin had a hunch that Connor wouldn’t understand the joke.

He stared at the owl cup. It was adorable. Connor would love it. Gavin however, found himself blushing. He was a regular in that store, and he would never be able to look the cashier in the eye if he bought something ‘cute’. He decided that if he bought more cups, the cashier wouldn’t assume that they were all for him. He could assume that Gavin was visiting relatives for Christmas. If anyone questioned the childish mug, he would tell that it was for his niece, that he didn’t have. He would buy that fucking mug.

In the end, Gavin found himself getting lost in all the different types of cups there were. He ended up buying six for himself and the one for Connor. Even in the cash register, he couldn’t suppress the blush. The cashier didn’t ask about the damn owl.

Gavin left the shopping bag into the backseat. He made sure to place it so that no one passing by would see it. He looked at the clock. He had about 5 minutes until work started. _Damn, not enough time to come up with the actual fucking way to say the shit…_

  


_Hey_

_I wanted everything I never had_

_Like the love that comes with light_

_I wore envy and I hated that_

_But I survived_

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  


The day was quiet. Gavin was on desk duty for most of it, filling out reports. He visited a small crime scene. Nothing notable. He was currently sitting on his desk with a cup of coffee on hand.

_I’m sorry for trying to kill you. Nah, that doesn’t sound right…_

_I’m sorry for being such a fucking cunt. No, I can’t swear._

_What If I write a note instead..._  It occurred to him that most of the time he couldn’t even understand his own handwriting. “Make it look like you actually care” the article had said. _Fuck, how do I do that? I do fucking care but how the fuck do I show it? Should I give him a fucking foot rub or some shit? He couldn’t feel a shit though. I’d probably break it. Why don’t I just simply say that I’m sorry? Am I too much of a fucking pussy? What the hell…_

 

It was nearly the end of their shift. He hadn’t even asked if Connor wanted to come. He decided that a text would do.

 

╔ ——————————————— ╗

  


Me: wanna come to that fucking park with me

 

Robocop: I would like that. What’s the occasion?

 

Me: nothing

 

Robocop: I can see you from my desk. Your heart rate has increased significantly and you’re clearly lying.

 

Me: damn, that’s creepy as hell

: It’s nothing special

: really

 

Robocop: Your lies are making me nervous.

 

Me: Just please show up? I can drive us there.

 

Robocop: Alright.

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

 

Gavin put his phone away. He tried to focus on his screen when he heard Hank speaking with Connor.

 

“Who were you texting with?”

 

“It was Gavin”

 

“What the fuck did he want?”

 

“He asked me to go to the park with him after work”

 

“Did he say he wanted to do something or…”

 

“No”

 

“Connor… maybe-”

 

“Hank, I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Can you please just calm down?” Connor cut him off. Something had definitely changed in the android as well. _He seems a lot more… stubborn? Yes, definitely stubborn._ He almost looked like a rebellious teenager.

 

_It seems like Hank is the only voice of reason here. Connor and I shouldn’t be even speaking after everything that happened…_

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  


_I had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go_

_Where the wind don't change_

_And nothing in the ground can ever grow_

_No hope, just lies_

_And you're taught to cry into your pillow_

_But I survived_

  


It occurred to Gavin that he couldn’t simply walk to his car with Connor. That would arouse too much suspicion.

 

╔ ——————————————— ╗

  


Me: heyyy, so look, imma walk to the car as soon as it’s 4 pm

: then u wait for five mins and then come after me

 

RoboCop: May I ask why?

 

Me: you may not

 

RoboCop: Alright. I’ll try to calm Hank down in that five minutes.

 

Me: is he still salty that ur hanging out with me

 

RoboCop: He doesn’t appear to trust you yet.

 

Me: he’s smarter than he looks

: wait, u said yet. do u rly think he will one day

 

RoboCop: I hope so. You really aren’t as bad as he thinks.

 

Me: oh Jesus don’t u get cheesy with me

 

RoboCop: I was serious. You are actually really pleasant to be around. When you’re not trying to kill me, of course.

 

Me: haha very fucking funny.

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

 

The last twenty minutes of work went by with Gavin constantly checking the clock. It almost looked like he had OCD. When the clock finally hit 4 pm, he nearly jumped for his desk and ran out. Few of the others looked at him weirdly. He ran to the car and slammed the door shut.

_What the Hell am I doing? Why the fuck did I decided that this was a good idea? Surely Connor isn’t stupid enough to forgive me… I wouldn’t forgive me. He really should listen to Hank more… The old man knows what’s best for him._

 

_I am sorry._

_I am sorry._

_I am sorry._

_I am sorry._

 

_It can’t be too hard to say…_

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  


_I found solace in the strangest place_

_Way in the back of my mind_

_I saw my life in a stranger's face_

_And it was mine_

  


“So, what did you want to talk about” Connor asked.

 

“Not yet,” Gavin said. He couldn’t jump out the car if things went south. If they were in a park, he could simply run away, change his name and get plastic surgery.

 

He took a moment to look over Connor. He had ditched the CyberLife jacket. Gavin liked the change. He looked so much more human. He was almost glad that he wasn’t one. If Connor was a human, Gavin would definitely be in trouble. _Nope. Stop. That’s not an excuse anymore. It doesn’t matter that he’s an android. I could fall for that asshole and there would be nothing wrong with it. WHAT THE FUCK. There is everything wrong with that! But he is alive…_ He shook his head.

It then occurred to him that he had no idea how to smuggle the mug in without Connor seeing it. _There goes the perfect fucking plan… What the hell am I gonna do? I can’t just get a fucking shopping bag with me. He’s already suspicious for fuck sake…_

 

“I sense that your heart rate has increased once more. Is something wrong?” Connor asked.

 

“Uhh, no” Gavin stuttered.

 

“People call me a bad liar, but look at you now”

 

“Huh? I didn’t know you could be snarky”

 

“I learned from the best” Connor winked. Gavin smiled. He felt a strange rush of proudness run through him.

 

“What do you have in that shopping bag?” Connor continued.

 

“Don’t ask about it” Gavin snapped.

 

Connor hummed in response.

 

“See, I found a way to avoid the fucking lie detector you have” Gavin smiled.

 

“I can still tell that you’re nervous”

 

“I’m never safe, am I” Gavin laughed.

 

They arrived. Gavin parked the car next to a big tree.

 

“Close your eyes,” He said.

 

“Why?” Connor asked.

 

“Hush”

 

“You’re being awfully mysterious today, detective Reed,” Connor said more quietly.

 

“Don’t call me that” Gavin said as he got out of the car. Connor followed him but kept his eyes closed. Gavin opened the back door and took out the owl mug. He hid it in his jackets interior pocket. He hated that jacket for being so damn big, but it saved him now. _Thank Christ..._

 

“Ok, you can open them now,” He said.

 

Gavin was fast to turn to the park, anything to avoid any questions. Connor had to jog to catch him. A part of him felt ridiculous for making such a show of a simple apology. He ignored it since it was obviously necessary to act like a lovesick teenager.

 

“I’ll have you know that I’m highly intrigued right now,” Connor said.

 

“It’s really nothing that special” Gavin admitted.

 

“I can tell that it means a lot at least to you though”

 

“I guess that’s true. It’s kinda weird how you know me better than I do sometimes…” Gavin mumbled.

 

“I doubt that’s the case,” Connor said.

 

He was right. It was a big deal for him. He didn’t remember the last time he had apologized to someone and actually meant it.

 

Gavin spotted a bench in front of a river. He led Connor there and sat down. It was a little snowy but Connor took off his jacket once more. They sat in silence for a while. Gavin’s perfect plan was crumbling and falling down like a domino. He knew what he had to say. Connor wanted to know about the scar and then he would simply have to say that he’s sorry. It’s that simple.

 

“Will you tell me now?” Connor broke the silence.

 

“I’m trying to” _I’m not getting anywhere though…_

 

“Would it help if we small talked first?” Connor offered.

 

“Fuck no. I mean” He paused. The article had specifically told him to stay nice. _No swearing. So don’t fucking swear. God, I’m a mess. I never should've come here._

 

“You’re clearly stressed. If this is too much-”

 

“Just fuck. I can do this” Gavin cut him off.

 

_I will always accomplish my mission. I will tell him about that fucking scar. I will apologize to him like a normal fucking human being. Just say ‘I am sorry’. It shouldn’t be that fucking hard. Fuck, I didn’t remember that telling the truth was so damn difficult._

 

“How the fuck are you so patient…” Gavin mumbled.

 

“I know it will be worth it”

 

Gavin felt a smile twist onto his face. _How dare he be so kind to me..._

 

“Damn, do you even wanna hear this shit…” Gavin mumbled as he felt the self-doubt hit him like a truck.

 

“I do!” Connor nearly shouted.

 

A couple of the people walking by stopped to look at them. Gavin as vaguely aware of how ridiculous he must have looked, with his mouth slightly agape.

 

“Sorry. I mean, I really do want to know you better” he sounded almost embarrassed.

 

_I should feel invaded, but I almost feel… strange. I feel strange. Has anyone ever..._

 

“I’m listening,” Connor said.

 

“You deserve to know just why I acted like such a cunt before. I had nothing personal against you. When you came around, I felt like I would lose everything I had worked so hard on. I mean, you guys are literally perfect. It just made me so damn angry that… fuck” Gavin’s voice broke. He knew what the words were, he just couldn't say them. His voice was caught in his throat.

 

“I understand, however, you need to also hear something” Connor seemed to almost be asking permission.

 

Gavin nodded.

 

“It’s true that I was created perfect, but I am not a miracle. You, humans, have all odds stacked against you. You have to deal with pain and heartbreak and so many other things. Sometimes you are hated for things you cannot change. I think it’s a miracle that you’re even here. There could’ve been a thousand other Connor’s, but there can only ever be one Gavin Reed. If I died, CyberLife could send another Connor to replace me and just give it my memories. That cannot be done for you. You are irreplaceable because humanity is impossible to replicate”

 

“Why the fuck are you so good to me?” Gavin laughed, trying to hide the sob that came with it.

 

“I don’t know”, Connor paused, as if looking for the right words, “It just feels like the right thing to do” he finished.

 

“The right thing for you to do is to get the fuck away from me,” Gavin said.

 

“I’ve thought of it, but it doesn’t feel… good? I think I don’t want to leave you”

 

Gavin choked. he could feel his face heating up. _What the hell is that supposed to mean?_

 

“Why would you be scared of losing your job though? As far as I know, you’re one of the best out there” Connor said after a while.

 

“It was just so fucking hard for me to get there. I don’t wanna go back to…” Gavin paused. His felt his eyes starting to water.

 

“To what?” Connor insisted.

 

“Shit. After my dad died, mom was left to take care of everything. Fuck, she could barely afford to pay rent and shit. It was a fucking struggle to find the money for school. It was absolute bullshit. I have no fucking idea how she did it. She worked like three fucking jobs and took care of me.” A tear slipped from his eye.

 

He gasped when he felt Connor wrap his hand around his. He looked at their hands. _Why does he feel so warm? Why should it make me feel warm as well? I don’t understand..._

 

“She sounds like a wonderful person” Connor smiled.

 

_Why is your smile perfect?_

 

“Fuck, she was. I just feel like shit because she was so fucking stressed all the time. At the time, I had no fucking idea how much shit she hands going on and she never showed how much it was bothering her. Fuck, I wish she hadn’t kept up the tough guy act…”

 

“I’m sure she would be proud of you,” Connor said.

 

They were quiet for a second. Gavin couldn’t hear the sound of the birds chirping.

 

“I’m afraid that if I wasn’t a detective, I would turn out like dad,” Gavin said without thinking. He couldn’t have stopped the words from leaving his mouth even if he had tried. He could feel a weight lift off from his chest.

 

“Gavin… Why would you ever-” Connor started. His voice was soft. _Too soft…_

 

“We’re not really that different” Gavin cut him off. _I don’t want to hear it. I know we would be the same. I know that, don’t I?_

 

“I don’t believe you,” Connor said. His voice was quiet and yet stern at the same time.

 

Gavin turned to look at the android. Connor was looking at him intently. As if looking for something. Gavin felt something build up in his chest. The longer he looked, the more he wanted to do something about it. Connor looked just as confused as he was.

 

“I know you wouldn’t hurt a child. You’ve proven that to me with Jonathan” Connor said.

 

“Sorry about” _Can I say it? CAN I?_ “ being a complete dick to Hank… I mean, I’m sure you don’t want me fighting him” _Fuck sake. FUCK. Why couldn’t I just say it?!_

 

“I’ve always wondered why you dislike him so much. He really isn’t that bad” Connor said.

 

“I actually used to look up to him before he started drinking… Now he just reminds me of that fucking asshole…” Gavin reached up to touch the scar. He had tried everything to make it disappear, but the scar was still there, constantly nagging at him, reminding him about all of the abuse.

 

“Did you mistake Hank for ‘that asshole’ back at that bar?” Gavin tried to smile. He was glad that Connor didn’t call him Gavin’s dad. Hearing it would’ve maken him break for sure.

  


_I had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go_

_Where the wind don't change_

_And nothing in the ground can ever grow_

_No hope, just lies_

_And you're taught to cry into your pillow_

_But I survived_

  


“I don’t remember shit but most likely yeah,” Gavin said.

 

“You called me mom back there…” Connor said.

 

“Oh jesus, I did not”

 

“you definitely did” he smiled.

 

Gavin let out a groan and covered his face with his hands. Embarrassment is a bitch. He smiled as well. Connor seemed to know exactly when to step back and switch the subject. Any more of the talk about his dad and Gavin would’ve been a sobbing mess. He couldn’t have that. He was supposed to apologize.

 

“I actually thought it was quite sweet” _Is that fucker trying to tease me or some shit..._

 

“Stop…” Gavin warned.

 

“You also told me to hold you…” Connor continued.

 

_Oh God, he is..._

 

“Stop it…”

 

“Say the magic word…”  the android cooed.

 

“Since when have you been a tease?” Gavin muttered through his smile.

 

“You looked like a touch starved teenager when you hugged me…” Connor ignored him.

 

“Please” Gavin sighed in defeat and whispered.

 

He looked over and found Connor chuckling. _I can’t believe I tried to kill that adorable motherfucker. He’s too pure for this fucked up world._

 

“Sorry if I went too far,” Connor said more seriously.

 

“It’s okay. Just, what the hell has Hank taught you…” Gavin laughed.

 

“I actually believe I learnt that mostly from you”

 

“What, should I feel proud?” Gavin smiled.

 

They stayed quiet. Gavin didn’t mind. He looked at the people passing by. The feeling was new for him. He had never been one for making true friends. Everyone was an acquaintance or just a stranger to him. The only ones who have seen him were cats. He never wanted to take the risk of being hurt. Staying away always felt like the safest thing to do. It was a lonely path and he had thought it was the best he could ever get.

Opening his heart to a stranger was a scary game to play and it could very well end up stabbing him in the back, and he was still doing it.

Connor’s chuckle broke the silence.

 

“What?” Gavin asked.

 

“I almost can’t believe things turned out this way”

 

Gavin hummed in response. It almost seemed like a fairy tail. The two mortal enemies finding comfort in each others presence. It was a story no one would be crazy enough to write.

 

“You’re still nervous” Connor pointed out.

 

“Yeah”

 

He had to say it. Connor has shown him more kindness than anyone ever before. The android had given him more chances than he deserved. He had faith in him when everyone else gave up. Connor had waited patiently and yet always stayed determined. All Gavin had ever done was bully and hurt him. He didn’t deserve any of it. Connor should’ve hated him. He didn’t.

Gavin looked over at Connor. He could nearly see a red wall in front of him. He could hear his pride begging him not to do it. It wanted him to go back to the way he was. “You’ll get hurt if you go on like this,” it said. He could see a text on the wall that said “don’t apologize. It will make you weak”.

Gavin was never one for following orders.

 

“I… fuck. I’m sorry” the words sounded right. _It felt right._

 

“You don’t have to-” Connor started.

 

“No, just fuck. I tried to kill you for fuck sake! I treated all of you so fucking badly. I didn’t understand shit and I was scared. Please don’t try to find excuses for it. I was a fucking asshole” Gavin sighed.

 

“I understand. Humans are capable of change, so you shouldn’t speak as if you’re still a bad person” Connor said.

 

Gavin smiled. _He is way too kind for his own good._ He palmed the mug through the jacket. _Now or never._

 

“Here,” Gavin said as he pulled the mug out.

 

“What’s this?” Connor’s eyes were wide.

 

“A fucking token of.. shit I dunno. I just heard that it’s cool to give a little gift when apologizing” Gavin confessed.

 

Connor was quiet for a moment. Worry seeped into him again. It was made worse when he heard the android let out a sob.

 

“Shit, are you okay?” Gavin stuttered. It was the last thing he wanted to see. A mug should’ve made the fucker happy. _Why the fuck is he crying?_

 

“Thank you” Connor sniffed.

 

“What the fuh?” Gavin croaked out.

 

“Thank you so much”

 

Connor pulled him into a hug. The synthetic tears fell onto his jacket. _Is he crying because he’s happy?_

 

Connor pulled back and smiled. He _smiled_ . Gavin felt his heart shake. It wasn’t even close to anything he had felt before. He wasn’t simply taken aback. It was as if there was an earthquake in his heart. Something in him had frozen. The smile stayed on the androids face for a few seconds, and that was enough for Gavin to memorize every little detail of it, the way his eyes seemed to smile with his mouth, his eyebrows raised ever so slightly and the stupid wrinkling of his nose and the tears falling on his cheeks. It was so **human** . No one could fake that. Connor’s eyes were pouring into Gavin’s soul. He felt naked under the android’s eyes. Unlike before, _he liked it._ Letting another living being see him was becoming one of his favorite things out there.

_I like this. I like..._

 

“I’m okay. More than okay. I love it, Gavin. Thank you” Connor whispered.

 

‘I love it’.

 

He loves it. His name sounded different in the android’s mouth. It felt familiar and foreign at the same time. He wanted Connor to keep repeating it. Gavin. Gavin Gavin. Gavin. Because now the android could see Gavin and not Reed. It felt intimate, kind and safe, it was everything he was supposed to loathe, and Gavin found himself loving it.

He felt safe, naked under Connor’s watchful eye.

  


_I have made every single mistake_

_That you could ever possibly make_

_I took and I took and I took what you gave_

_But you never noticed that I was in pain_

_I knew what I wanted; I went in and got it_

_Did all the things that you said that I wouldn't_

_I told you that I would never be forgotten_

_And all in spite of you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I edited this at school and oh boi did people look at me weird when I was fucking wheezing to death. 
> 
> Also for the typos and grammar errors. English isn't my native language and for some fucking reason, we haven't been taught about how to do dialogue with quotation marks and shit. I rely on Grammarly to teach me shit. I really should grow some balls and teach myself but for now, let's blame everything on weird school systems and spellcheck.


	16. Not a chapter!!

My exam week was moved and it's starting today. I am super stressed about it. I'm gonna take a smol break, which in my case means a day or two. I'll say it once more, I have all the chapters written and I just gotta edit the shit and post so I will definitely finish this. I just gotta spoil myself a little so I can put my best out there. 

I holy you guys can understand. 

 

 


	17. Power

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Power by Bastille

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyaa! I said I was gonna take some time for the exam week. Guess who didn't read shit? *raises hand profusely*. 
> 
> Is there such a thing as editing block? Because I just had one. I'm alive and kicking once more. Thank you for being patient with meh. No trigger warnings apply to this chapter (unless reading about anxious character counts as one).

_ Aim, throw your best shot right at me _

_ 'Cause pain, I can take it easily _

_ Did you really think I'd fall to my knees _

_ Just to pray for some sweet simplicity? _

  
  


Connor had forgiven Gavin a long time ago. To hear him apologize shook something in him.  He knew that the detective wasn’t one for showing weakness and it had clearly meant a lot for him. He felt honored to have Gavin share such personal information with him. It was obvious that it wasn’t something he usually did. When Gavin had handed him the owl cup, the thousand emotions had run through him once more. Android’s can’t feel warmth but at that moment, Connor swore that he heated up a little inside. Gavin had told him more than he should’ve hoped for and he still wanted more. 

 

“Hank? I need help” he said. 

 

“Sure, kid. What is it?” Hank asked whilst taking his gaze off the road for a second to study Connor. He lowered the music volume.

 

“I’ve found another feeling that I can’t seem to identify. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. It feels like a thousand emotions were stuffed into one feeling. It’s… overwhelming”

 

“You seem confused” Hank pointed out.

 

“I am. I know there is a word for what I’m feeling”  _ there has to be. _

 

“Okay, when do you actually feel it?” Hank asked.

 

“It comes on at random times. I guess it’s the strongest whenever I’m around... someone”  _ Gavin. The only one I feel it around is him. I’ve felt it when I’ve been on my own, but it always comes when I’m thinking of him.  _ Connor fidgeted his fingers. He almost felt… embarrassed to be speaking of it. 

 

“Go on…” Hank mumbled.

 

“I feel like something's shifting in my stomach. It’s not unpleasant, but it does make me want to scream”  _ It feels like there is this unspoken tension that’s drowning me. Being drowned is unpleasant but this… _

 

“So it feels nice?”

 

“Yes, I think so”  _ I don’t want it to stop.  _

 

“It might be that you just have a crush on someone”

 

Crush:

a **burning desire** **to be with** someone who you find **very attractive** and extremely special

 

Connor paused. He couldn’t and didn’t want to deny being attracted to the detective, but he had tried to kill him. Hank and the detective himself kept reminding him about it. Gavin had changed, but the past couldn’t be erased. 

 

“No that can’t be right,” Connor said. _ There’s no way. _

 

“But does it come the strongest around someone specifically?” Hank asked.

 

“Yes,” Connor stuttered.

 

“You have a fucking crush”

 

Hank seemed to pause.

 

All of the signs were there; the shifting of his stomach was from what people call ‘getting the butterflies’. He wanted to know Gavin unlike anyone else. He wanted to see him. It always felt like there was one more invisible step he wanted to take towards him. 

 

“So, who is it?” Hank asked

 

Connor stayed quiet for a second.  _ He would never approve of Gavin. They hate each other, I couldn’t tell him yet. Maybe one day. _

 

“I don’t think I can say it yet”

 

“Fine, as long as it’s not Reed or some shit…” Hank laughed “Sorry, I know you must have a good taste in men… I trust you”

 

“Okay” Connor croaked out.  _ This is… awkward. I can see it now.  _ He had known there was a word for his feelings and now he wished there wasn’t. Gavin was the wrong person to fall for. He was arrogant and had tried to kill him. He had let his walls down and falling for him would mean the end of the progress. If he found out, their newfound friendship would be set back to square one. He took out his phone.

 

╔ ——————————————— ╗

  
  


Connor: Hello, I want to see Pancake.

 

Gavin: sure

: [Picture]

: what’s up?

 

Connor: I don’t want to talk about it

 

Gavin: u sure?

: u seem troubled af

 

Connor: I think it’s best if I just think it out.

 

Gavin: fine. just don’t get another fucking panic attack, okay?

 

Connor: Okay.

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

 

New mission:

CrushCrushcrushcrush

  
  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


_ 'Cause woah, you're squeezing my heart _

_ Too hard in your bare hands, they hold too tight _

_ And woah the air is on fire _

_ This room feels electric, cord here in your sights _

  
  


Once they arrived at the office, Connor ran straight to his desk. He usually small talked with the other officers but today was different. He needed to calm down and collect his thoughts.  _ There is a word for it. For so long, I wanted to know what it was but now… I will always accomplish my mission but the only thing I see is this obscure mission. The tension is there and I have to solve it. _

 

Conflicting orders…

Selecting priority…

New mission:

Remain friends with Gavin

 

Connor could feel something bitter as he saw the mission. From time to time, he glanced at Gavin. He was tapping at his keyboard intently. His eyes were filled with focus. It almost seemed like he had forgotten that there is a world outside of his computer screen. Connor couldn’t help but to admire his determination. For a brief moment, Connor wondered if Hank had used to be like that. 

Gavin looked up and their eyes met. Connor recognized the feeling to be embarrassment. He could see a small hint of a smile appear on Gavin’s face. It had been so much easier when he didn’t have a word for it. It was so much simpler back when he simply knew himself to be intrigued by the detective.  _ Why can’t I simply be attracted to him? Why does it have to be something more? How can humans handle this without breaking down?  _

The day went on agonizingly slow. Connor kept on looking at his mission.  _ For us to remain friends is optimal. If it was anyone else, I could simply initiate these feelings and the other party could turn me down or return the feelings, but Gavin is a different story. He is an onion. If I take a bite, I will cry. He cannot turn me down and remain friends. He is too erratic for that _ . It was only the first lunch break and Connor already felt like he was on the road to insanity. He went to the break room with the owl mug.

 

“Where did ya’ get that?” Hank asked. For once, Connor had convinced him to stay and have coffee instead of alcohol.

 

“I uh, bought it” Connor answered.

 

“Bullshit,” Hank said plainly.

 

“It was a gift”

 

“From who?”

 

Connor looked away. He didn’t want to upset Hank. 

 

“Since when have you started keeping secrets?” Hank asked.

 

“Since now” 

 

Hank grumbled and walked back to his desk. Gavin came to the break room after he left. 

 

“Fucking finally... “ he said as he walked next to Connor and leaned on the table.

 

“What the fuck is up with you?” he asked.

 

“What do you mean?” 

 

“Don’t play stupid. You’ve been staring at me the whole day”

 

“I’m sorry” 

 

“Fuck, just tell me what’s wrong”

 

_ You. You are wrong. I am wrong. I shouldn’t like you but I do. Everything was so easy before but now that I know, I’m starting to see it better. I understand what all of these feelings mean. I understand why I want to hold your hand. Yesterday everything was normal, and now it feels like my word is turned upside down. _

 

Conflicting orders…

Selecting priority…

 

“I can’t”  _ I don’t want to ruin what we have… _

 

“Fine” and with that, Gavin was gone. 

  
  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


_ Power, power _

_ I will never understand the power you're holding over me _

_ Power, power _

_ Oh you've had it too long, yes you've had it too long _

  
  


It wasn’t fine. Far from it in fact. Connor’s stress level kept on rising. He was afraid to ask Gavin for pictures of Pancake. The detective was already worried. Eventually he wouldn’t take no for an answer. He couldn’t tell Hank. He would be furious. Everyone else on the DPD was out of the question. Markus. What if Connor contacted him? He would need a ride…

 

╔ ——————————————— ╗

 

[1 New message]

[Gavin]

 

Gavin: [Picture]

: Fuck, I can see that u don’t wanna talk to me but u look like ur about to self-destruct or some shit. 

: I won’t let u do dat

 

Stress Level: 80%

 

: Con? please say something

: [Picture]

: ur making me nervous.

 

_ I can’t tell you. I can’t tell Hank. _

 

: imma bout to run there if u don’t say anything

: I see ur reading these

: just say something

: please.

 

_ We’re at work so why are you paying any attention to me? You love your job.  _

 

Stress Level: 87%

 

: Connor?

: Imma go to the fucking storage room and ur gonna follow. 

: u don’t have to say shit

: u just gotta calm the fuck down

 

Gavin walked past him. Connor could see a few of the officers looking at him. After a couple of minutes, Connor heard his phone beep.

 

: Come here Con

: I promise not to ask shit

: I just wanna hug u

: I’m worried about u

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

 

Gavin’s words kept on ringing in Connor’s ears.  _ I want to hug you. It’s a bad idea for everyone. How can I possibly hug him and not hyperventilate? He wants me to come. He loves his job and he’s supposed to be working now. Instead, he’s waiting for me. He’s worried.  _

Connor stood up and ignored Hanks burning gaze on his back as he trotted to the storage room. He opened the door slowly as if expecting something bad to happen. Gavin was standing in the middle of the room. He had his arms crossed and his face was filled with what Connor assumed to be worry. Seeing the detective there, waiting for him shook Connor.  _ Why can’t I just stop panicking? _

 

“Come here,” Gavin said. His voice was soft. 

 

Connor’s breath hitched in his throat as he went to him. He felt the detective pull him into a tight embrace. Connor buried his face in the crook of his neck and let the tears fall out.  _ I wish I could feel the warmth of your body... _

 

“Everything will be alright” Gavin whispered.

 

Connor let out a sob. It was muffled by Gavin’s jacket. He clung onto him like it was the end of the world like he would run away and disappear any second. He knew Gavin wouldn’t leave him like that. The detective had proved himself over and over again. Connor trusted him but at the same time, he was afraid. He was vaguely aware of the door opening and closing behind him.

 

“Connor, what the Hell? Reed, I swear the fucking god if you did something…” Hank started.

 

“Stop, please” Connor muttered.

 

“What the fuck happened, Con?” Hank asked.

 

_ I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I just don’t know. I was fine and then I wasn’t. He’s too much but not enough. I want to hold him but I’m afraid. I don’t know. _

 

Conflicting orders…

Selecting priority...

 

“Hank shut the fuck up,” Gavin said quietly.  _ Thank you... _

 

“Reed, I’m about this close to knocking you out”

 

Connor felt Gavin shift. He had taken out his phone and was holding it for Hank. From the corner of his eye, he could see that Gavin was showing him the text messages from earlier.  _ But Hank will see Pancake... _

 

“What the hell” Hank muttered.

 

“I’m sorry” Connor mumbled.

 

“No, kid. You have nothing to be sorry about. I shouldn’t have freaked out…” Hank sighed.

 

Silence. Almost. The only thing Connor heard was the sound of his quiet sobs and the silent conversation between Hank and Gavin. The two of them were supposed to be working.  _ Instead, I dragged them here to... _

 

“What are we gonna tell Fowler?” Gavin asked.

 

“I’m sorry” Connor muttered. _ I shouldn’t have caused a scene. I have my mission which is for me to remain friends with Gavin. There is nothing more I need. I think.  _

 

“Shh, Connor” Gavin tried to shush him down.

 

Connor could only let out another sob.  _ I ruined your day. You shouldn’t have to deal with this. You’ve already gone through so much. You don’t need me to… _

Gavin grabbed the sides of his face and made the android look at him. Connor could feel Hank’s intense gaze at his back. He felt the blue blood rushing to his cheeks. 

 

“Everything will be alright. You can trust us” Gavin looked like the owl Chris drew for him. His eyes were pouring into his soul. Gavin is an owl. Why did Gavin out of all people have the power to calm him down like this? Connor felt himself calm down a little. His breathing became steadier and the sobs quieted down. He was just then made aware that he was holding Gavin by his jacket. He was so terribly close.  _ So close and yet... _

 

“How are your stress levels doing?” Gavin asked.

 

“A little better” Connor croaked out.

 

“Oh thank god” Gavin sighed. 

 

“I’ll speak to Jeffrey about giving you the day off,” Hank said.

 

“It’s okay, I can still work”  _ My stress levels have decreased enough. I can also keep asking Gavin to send me pictures of Pancake. I should be alright… _

 

“Hell no. You’ll go home and calm down” Hank said. 

 

“I want to speak to Markus” he was the only other person Connor felt was close enough to help. He was always busy but he hoped that maybe, just maybe he had time for him.

 

“You sure you’re up for it now?” Hank asked. 

 

“Yes,” Connor nodded.

 

“I don’t think you should be alone though. Markus is pretty far after all…” Hank said.

 

There was a short silence. Hank was right, of course. If Connor were to be alone now, he would just get stressed out again. 

 

“I can be your ride” Gavin cut the silence.

 

“Gavin…” Hank started.

 

“Hank,” Gavin said. His voice left no room for arguing. He seemed to be dead set on getting Connor to Markus.

 

“I don’t want to get you into trouble…” Connor mumbled.

 

“I know, but you’re our priority right now” Connor’s breath hitched in his throat.  _ I am your priority. _

 

Priority:

_ Priority _ comes from the word  _ prior _ , which means to come before something else. A  _ priority _ is the concern, interest or  _ desire _ that comes before all others. 

 

_ I am your priority. I am your priority, but… _

 

Conflicting orders…

Selecting priority...

 

“He’s right, work can kiss my ass. I care about you more” Hank chimed in.

 

_ They agreed. I’ve never heard them agree before.  _

 

“Thank you” Connor whispered.

 

There was another pause.

 

“You have a cat? AND you named him Pancake? Are you shitting me, Reed?” Hank laughed. His voice was filled with amusement.

 

“Don’t you ever tell anyone. I’ll break you” Gavin warned.

 

“Shit, okay”

 

Connor couldn’t help the laugh from escaping his mouth. Seeing the two of them get along was something he wished he had seen sooner.  

 

“You ready to go?” Gavin asked. Connor hummed in response.

 

He pulled back and saw Hank looking at them. He looked suspicious and he was frowning. Connor was too busy holding onto Gavin to think about it. He hoped that maybe, just maybe, Hank would give Gavin another chance now. 

Connor was surprised when Gavin led him through the station without trying to keep his distance. His hand was over Connor’s shoulder and he ignored the curious gazes everyone was giving at them. He could hear Fowler and Hank having a sort of a screaming battle. Hank seemed to be winning. 

  
  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


_ Pain, just synapses firing in our brain _

_ So when you cut me, cut me deep _

_ Hurt the ones you love the most easily _

_ 'Cause in time we show our Achilles's heels _

  
  


“Why don’t you want to tell me?” Gavin asked.

 

Connor found it strangely uncomfortable not to listen to music whilst driving.

 

“I want to, but…” Connor started.

 

“But what? Haven’t I proven myself trustworthy enough for you?” Gavin interrupted him.

 

“This is different” 

 

“I can’t be much worse than all that I’ve told you” Gavin muttered.

 

“I’m sorry. I just can’t speak about it right now. I promise to tell you one day” Connor said without thinking.

 

Now I am obligated to tell him. I shouldn’t have done that. Our friendship decreased and now I am forced to fail the mission.

 

Conflicting orders…

Selecting priority…

 

New mission:

Await for Markus’ input

 

“Can we listen to some music?” Connor asked.

 

“Sure, what do you wanna hear?” Gavin asked.

 

“Whatever you choose,” Connor said.

 

Gavin fumbled out a CD and put it in. It was some sort of rock music. Connor was too exhausted to analyze it. All of his systems were working well, but he was tired. He had enough energy to add the rapid switch of missions to the list of things he hated. 

 

“I’m sorry that Hank found out about Pancake,” he said.

 

“It’s not a big deal” Gavin waved him off.

 

The car ride took them about two hours. They sat in comfortable silence which was only broken by Gavin hum along the songs. Connor closed his eyes and focused on Gavin’s voice. It seemed to calm him down. A human might have drifted away in sleep, but Connor was deliciously aware of everything around him. He was tired from feeling things so hard and this type of calmness was just what he needed.

  
  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


_ If you're gonna hit me, hit me harder (hit me, hit me harder) _

_ 'Cause you better knock me out the first time _

_ And if you're do this with the plaster (do this with the plaster) _

_ Power, power _

_ Blows my mind to think I ever let you hold it over me _

  
  


Markus had moved into a large mansion. They got out of the car and walked to the front door. Connor noted that the front yard was small, so he concluded that he must have a big backyard. He rung the doorbell. Gavin stood stiffly next to him.

 

“Connor? What are you doing here?” Markus asked as he opened the door.

 

“I was hoping we could talk. I hope it’s not a bad timing” Connor said.

 

“No, of course not! Come on in” Markus stepped aside to let them in. 

 

He led them inside. Simon came out of, what Connor assumed to be the kitchen, with an apron on. The apron had  _ kiss the chef _ written on it. 

 

“Hello, Connor! It’s nice to see you again” Simon said. _ What is he doing here with Markus? Is he just visiting as well? Markus isn’t the type of person to make mere visitors cook... _

 

“Who’s this?” Markus asked as he looked at Gavin.

 

“I uh, I’m Gavin,” he said clumsily. Connor hoped that he wasn’t too uncomfortable, being surrounded by androids and all.

 

“Oh, Connor has told us about you. You tried to kill him if I remember correctly” Markus laughed.

 

“Oh please, sweetheart, don’t tease the poor man…” Simon said.

 

“‘sweetheart’?” Connor questioned. 

Both Markus and Simon blushed at that. Connor made an  _ o _ shape with his mouth when he realized it. He could see Gavin looking away awkwardly. 

 

“Uhh, come on” Markus mumbled.

 

He led them to the living room. Markus and Simon sat in front of them. It almost reminded Connor of an interrogation. He could see Markus looking at Simon. There was a silent question that was hanging from his gaze.

 

“You can tell them…” Simon said quietly.

 

“Simon didn’t have a place to stay, so I invited him here. One thing led to another and we ended up together” Markus smiled.

 

“I’m happy for you,” Connor said.

 

“Uhh, yeah, congrats” Gavin added.

 

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Markus asked.

 

“I was wondering, have you given any thought to requesting some updates for us?” Connor asked.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Like, for us to feel and taste things…” there was a lot more he wanted to feel, but he decided to spare their ears.

 

“I have, there’s just so many things to do…” Markus mumbled.

 

Simon placed his hand over Markus’ and smiled.

 

“I think that could help the public opinion as well. I mean, it would humanize us and I… I would love to be able to feel you” Simon said. He held Markus’ hand a little tighter. For a brief second, Connor looked over to Gavin and wished he could hold his hand as well. It was nice having a word for what he felt, but it made everything feel so much more complicated.

 

“Alright, you do have a point… I’ll bring it up in the next meeting…” Markus said.

 

A wave of doubt and anxiety went through Connor. He needed to ask Markus about Gavin. He was the only one he could turn to with it. Hank was too full of hate towards the man and Gavin was the problem. 

 

“I would also like to speak with you more privately,” he said. 

 

“Come on, Gavin. We’re fostering kittens. I can show them to y-” Simon started as he stood up.

 

“Kittens?” Gavin questioned. He sounded like he was ascending into cloud nine. Connor could see a new glow in his eyes. He looked like a kid at Christmas.

 

“I see you like cats” Simon laughed.

 

“Lead on…” Gavin mumbled.

 

When they were out of the room, Markus turned to him. He looked concerned and Connor couldn’t blame him. He must have looked like a mess. 

 

“What’s going on, Connor?”

 

“I think I like Gavin” A wave of relief was next. Saying it out loud made it feel even more real but he didn’t mind it this time. A weight was instantly lifted off his chest. 

 

“Hmm, I can understand why you’re troubled”

 

“This feeling is almost too much. I like it  but…”

 

“I understand. I felt the same way with Simon at first. Being around him calmed me down and eventually, it got easier. Is it like that for you and him?” Markus asked.

 

“Yes and I… I nearly self-destructed today…”

 

“What? Why? Did something happen?” Markus moved next to him.

 

“You know how Gavin used to be… I’m afraid. I know he has changed but…” Connor said.

 

“You’re afraid he’ll relapse?”

 

“No! I mean, I know he wouldn’t. I’m just afraid it might not be healthy”

 

“Wasn’t Hank like that as well?”

 

“Yes… He did point a gun at me once…” Connor admitted.

 

“I’m not telling you to jump into something if you’re uncertain. I want to get that straight, but from what I see, Gavin seems nicer than you first described him”

 

“Because he likes cats, right?” Connor tried to joke.

 

“I can appreciate the sense of humor” Markus smiled. 

 

“I feel like I’m going to scare him away…” Connor said more seriously. 

 

“If he will leave you for it, he probably didn’t deserve you and, you’ll never know if you don’t try. We didn’t win the revolution by running, we went after it with a bat. Not literally of course, to North’s dismay” Markus laughed.

 

“Thank you,” Connor said.  _ No wonder they chose him as the leader of the revolution… He has some talent in encouraging others. _

 

“Shall we go check on them?” Markus asked.

 

“I would like that” Connor said.

 

The kitten's room was close by. It was bigger than what Gavin had in his house. Connor nearly choked when Markus opened the door. Simon was on the ground, rolling on his back with kittens jumping on his stomach. He was giggling like a child. Gavin was laying on his stomach. 

 

“Aren’t you adorable” he cooed to a kitten he was petting. Connor took note that he would have to show Gavin kittens more often. He was quickly falling deeper for the gentle side of the detective.

 

He heard Markus’ voice in his head: “You have an interesting taste in men”.

 

“Speak for yourself” 

 

Gavin had blushed profusely when he notices Markus and Connor looking at him. He quickly stood up, as if he wasn’t just sweet talking to a kitten. Simon laughed and covered his face with his hands. Neither of them said anything.

 

“I’ll have to ask you here more often it seems” Markus laughed. 

 

Gavin’s face was getting redder and redder. He mumbled something under his breath and looked at Connor, almost begging him to rescue him. Connor smiled. Maybe it all wasn’t so hopeless as he had thought. After a while of small talk, they left.

  
  


_ Power, power _

_ I will never understand the way I let you hold it over me _

_ Power, power _

_ Well you've had it too long, yes you've had it too long _

_ Power, oh, oh, power, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh _

_ Power, power _

_ I let you have it too long, yes you've had it too long _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all better not badmouth North. She sure is a violent bean, but we love her here (at least my bi ass does). She is my precious deadly cinnamon roll and I will fight anyone who dares to hurt her.
> 
> I hope y'all enjoyed that Simarkus. 
> 
> Oh gosh that "our hearts are compatible scene" was so afanelkrneljtmlzd.
> 
> I bet my booty that David Cage was planning to make Simon a romance option but he just pussied out. There is just so much evidence that there was supposed to be another love interest. 
> 
> Evidence:  
> \- "just come back" in the crossroads if you choose the "dialogue" option  
> \- When the DBH forever 21 squad goes to the CyberLife warehouse for the spare parts, Markus has the minor choice to follow either North or Simon. Why the heck would Simon be presented as a choice next to the cannon romance option aka North???  
> \- In the scene where Simon comes back to Jerico after the Stratford tower, just before the hug, they just look at each other with the eyes of teh gay. Like... That...  
> \- And that scene happened immediately after you could've possibly become lovers with North. THAT SCENE HAPPENED IMMEDIATELY AFTER MARKUS COULDA GONE OUT WITH NORTH. So, what if David Cage intended there to be a thing there that could've allowed the player to become lovers with Simon instead.  
> \- fight me.  
> \- The scene where Simon is like "our hearts are compatible". Simarkus had the exact same dialogue as Markus x North (except for the few lines that refer to their romantic relationship). Dude. ish gay.   
> \- The smile Simon does when Markus kisses North in the end (if they become lovers) has the same energy as this:
> 
> https://ih1.redbubble.net/image.492975046.7150/flat,1000x1000,075,f.u1.jpg
> 
> Thank you for coming to my TEDx talk :)


	18. Not a chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feck me

Archive of our own ain't letting me upload longer chapters. I will be lucky if this will reach your fecking ears. I've been tryinna get this to work for like four days. I've sent a complaint about this and I dunno when progress will happen. Save my soul, my brothers.

 

I've tried everything but o my Lord this is shit.


	19. Pompeii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Pompeii by Bastille

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've lost count of how many days I've tried to get this to work. Holy Jesus, I need help.
> 
> There are some spoilers for the Brokeback mountain at the start of the chapter.

_I was left to my own devices_   
_Many days fell away with nothing to show_

  
It was the day before Valentine’s. Hank had insisted on showing Connor a romance movie. Brokeback mountain to be specific. He had explained it along the lines of: “It’s one of the best movies ever made”. Connor could understand why. He found most of the characters compelling, the storyline was decently crafted and the dialogue was realistic and entertaining.

Connor watched as Ennis stumbled into the tent to Jack. He watched as the two of them kissed each other ever so gently, as they cuddled up next to each other. He couldn’t help but wonder if he and Gavin could ever be like that. His mission told him to hide his feelings. It was, of course, the correct thing to do, but watching Jack and Ennis made him feel different.

 

New mission:

Show Gavin the truth

 

By the end of the movie, Hank was in tears. He kept on repeating how it was “bullshit” that Jack had died. “They deserved better” he had said. Connor agreed, however, he also thought that to have Jack die and show Ennis mourning him was a great choice to show the audience that their love was real. A happy ending to the movie would've been too unrealistic considering the time-period.

 

“Do you know why I showed you that movie?” Hank asked when the credits rolled and he was done wiping the tears away.

 

“I believe you told me it was a decent movie,” Connor said.

 

“Tomorrow is Valentine’s day. I know you got a crush on someone. If you wanna, you can do something small for that person” Hank explained.

 

“I am aware of how Valentine’s day traditions go” Connor pointed out.

 

“I know, I just… wanted to tell you about it” Hank mumbled. Connor smiled. He liked it when Hank was like this.

 

“Thank you. Are you saying that I should initiate courtship with him?” He asked.

 

“Ok, first you gotta get some clues that he feels the same. It will make shit less awkward” Hank said.

 

“How do I do that exactly?” _I know that increased heart rate and the dilation of pupils would mean feelings of romantic attraction, but they can also be a sign of Tachycardia and drug use. I doubt that they would be relevant with Gavin, but you can never be sure, especially with him..._

 

“Get him something cute and then see if he likes it, I guess. That should be enough. Most people get the message because it’s valentine’s and shit” Hank explained.

 

“Alright, I think I got it,” Connor said.  _I don’t get it. I have no idea where to begin. Gavin doesn’t seem like the type of person who liked what he would call ‘cheesy’ things. Then again, he is full of surprises. He is an onion. I like onions. I cannot taste things, but I am sure that onions are absolutely delicious._

 

“Need any advice on what to get?” Hank asked.

 

“No, I think I’ll be alright”  _Yes, I am actually quite desperate for any type of ideas right now but it seems like my heart has a mind of his own and it appears to be too stubborn to request assistance even though I need it._

 

“So, what’s your plan?” Hank asked.

 

“I will walk around the city and hope that ideas will come. Then I will buy something and give it to him at work” Connor said absentmindedly.

 

“So, he’s at the DPD…” Hank muttered.

 

Connor paused. He could sense the blue blood coming to his cheeks. He was blushing, as humans would say. Hank had seen what Gavin could be like, but he knew that acceptance took longer than that. He could hear Hank laughing. He could understand why Gavin was so cautious to be nicer to the lieutenant and he wished that things could’ve been different between them.

 

  
════ ⋆★⋆ ════

 

  
_And the walls kept tumbling down_   
_In the city that we love_   
_Grey clouds roll over the hills_   
_Bringing darkness from above_

 

  
The more stores he passed, the more lost he was. Most of the shops were crowded. Couples were holding hands and kissing. Connor didn't fail to notice that a few android-human couples were doing it as well. Gavin had bought him a mug. There were Valentine’s day themed mugs out there right now. It didn’t feel quite right, however. If he bought a mug, Gavin could simply think that he was returning the kindness. While that was true, Connor wanted it to be clearly more than that.

He arrived at a jewelry store. Instinct took over and he went in.

 

A ring was too much. Connor hadn’t even measured the girth of Gavin’s fingers. A bracelet would get in the way. A necklace would have to do. Connor was aware of best friends giving each other's necklaces. He and Gavin weren’t that close, but Gavin was his closest friend.  _Gavin Reed, the man who tried to kill me is the best friend I have... Even I can sense the irony in that._

There was a small half moon necklace. Connor wanted it to be small so it wouldn’t get in the way. He also assumed that Gavin wouldn’t want to show it off. Most people who wore necklaces were women after all. Connor recognized it to be cute. Gavin probably didn’t want ‘cute’. Moon was also a feminine symbol. It wouldn’t work.

He came across a green leaf necklace. It symbolized renewal, hope, and revival. If Gavin was aware of what it meant, he would simply think that Connor was trying to reference their newfound friendship.

There was a whole tray saved for heart necklaces. It was brave, bold and would no doubt send the message. Most of them were big and expensive. Connor came across a small one. It was 20$. A heart was a symbol of romantic love. It was a perfect match for what Connor wanted to say. Gavin was a skilled detective, he would have to get the message. It was Valentine’s day, so if the detective didn’t like it, or if he didn’t return the feelings, Connor could simply play it off on the fact that it was Valentine’s. Connor smiled and picked up the necklace.

 

“Your lady friend ought to love it” the cashier smiled brightly at him.

 

Gavin Reed wasn’t a lady as far as Connor knew, but he smiled back nonetheless.

 

  
════ ⋆★⋆ ════

 

  
_We were caught up and lost in all of our vices_

_In your pose as the dust settled around us_

 

  
Valentine’s day was there. The office was still it’s old grey self. Chris and Wilson’s desks were more colorful than usual. Wilson has brought in more red flowers, probably to match the theme of the day. He also had a tray filled with cacti. He was currently giving them to every officer on sight. Connor was surprised to find that Fowler also had a cactus on his table. Chris, on the other hand, had hand-drawn Valentine’s day cards. Most officers cursed and sneered at the gifts but everyone seemed happy.

Connor had convinced Hank to buy doughnuts for everyone. “Sharing is caring” he had told the grumpy old man. Connor had insisted on giving them out himself. He had found out that he loved making others happy. Seeing the smile others made when they received an act of kindness was the best reward he could hope for. He gave the last doughnut to Gavin. He hummed and Connor couldn’t help but feel slightly disappointed.

He sat back at his desk and began to look over files. Nothing new had come up with the android brutalizing ring in weeks. There were no new leads and they were completely stuck. He felt his phone vibrate.

 

╔ ——————————————— ╗

 

[1 new message]

[Gavin]

 

Gavin: [Picture]

: thank you ❤

 

Me: Should I start using emoticons as well?

 

Gavin: try it

 

Me: I like dogs *dog emoji*

 

Gavin: ROLF

 

Me: I can see that you’re neither laughing nor rolling on the floor

 

Gavin: …

 

Me: oh

: I mean

: =O

 

Gavin: Ur an absolute fucking mess

 

Me: Thank you.

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

 

Connor put his phone away. He hadn’t even thought up a plan on how to give Gavin the necklace. The detective would no doubt want it to be somewhere with privacy. Connor was sad to admit it, but Gavin hadn’t been public with their friendship.

There was a call to a crime scene before a lunch break and Chris and Wilson left to take it. Hank had gone out for a drink and Tina Chen was on her phone. Connor decided that it was now or never. He went into the break room and sent Gavin a message to come as well. He showed up after a few minutes.

 

“What is it?” Gavin smiled.

 

“I got you something,” Connor said. He fumbled the necklace in his pocket.

 

“Weren’t doughnuts enough” Gavin laughed.

 

“I don’t think so” Connor smiled. He was glad to see Gavin being so nice, especially at work. A brief thought that they could actually work our ran through his mind. He was calm and relaxed. Everything was going just as Connor had hoped.

 

He pulled out the necklace. For a while, time seemed to stop. Connor ran a diagnostic and found that it had not. He was simply nervous. He held it out to Gavin and he took it. The detective’s heart rate has spiked up and his pupils were dilated.  _That is not tachycardia nor drug use…_  He looked at the necklace. The stunned silence was nerve-wracking.

 

“Connor I-” Gavin started.

 

“Isn’t that cute” Tina’s voice cut through. They both turned to her as if caught breaking the rules. They stared at Tina as if she was a ghost.

 

“I knew you were into dudes, but an android? Seriously?” she sneered.

 

“Ha ha very fucking funny…” Gavin mumbled.

 

“You seem to like it…” she cooed.

 

“Fuck no!” Gavin snapped.

 

“Gavin?” Connor squealed. He swore that he felt cold at that moment. His hands were fumbling around as if trying to find something to hold onto.

 

Gavin turned to look at him. Connor couldn’t read the look he had. He probably could have if things were any different. He didn’t care about analyzing it. All he wanted was to disappear, and that’s exactly what he did.

Almost everyone was out, so no one came to stop him when he walked out of the station. He could hear Tina’s voice echo down the hall. She was laughing. For a long moment, he forgot all about Fowler, his work. Everything.

 

The cool air of the outside world hit him. At least he assumed it to be cold. A few people glanced at him as he wobbled along the street.

In a few minutes, Connor found himself standing in a dark alleyway, with his head between his hands. He heard his phone buzz.

 

╔ ——————————————— ╗

 

[9 new messages]

[Gavin]

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

 

He ignored them. Was he just texting just to ridicule him once more? Connor knew it was a risk, he had taken it, he had believed in it. Hank was right. Coherent thoughts were hard to come by. Androids weren’t supposed to feel things physically, but Connor felt like he was drowning. His stress levels were critically high.

He looked back at the street. A couple was walking past him. They were holding hands and giggling.  _I should’ve known. I’m not a human. Of course, you couldn’t feel the same way as I do. I couldn’t truly feel the touch of your hand. We can never be like Jack and Ennis. I can never embrace you with such tenderness. I’m sorry…_

 

“Connor! You alright? What the hell happened?” Hank’s voice came through. He was jogging towards him.

 

Connor opened his mouth to say something, but only a sob came out. Hank pulled him into a hug, just like back at the Chicken Feed stand. It was unlike him to be the one to go in for a hug and Connor didn’t complain. He buried his face in Hank’s chest. He felt him pat his back awkwardly. They stayed there for a few minutes. Then Connor pulled away.

 

“What the hell happened out there?” Hank asked.

 

“How did you know…” Connor muttered.

 

“Gavin sent me a message. He told me that I should find you asap” Hank explained.

 

“Why?” Connor muttered.

 

“What the fuck did he do?” Hank asked.

 

Connor couldn’t answer. He didn’t want to.  _If Hank found out, he would just be angry and all I want is for it all to stop._

 

“Let’s just go back,” he said quietly.

 

“No. We only have a few hours before the shift ends. Let’s just fucking go home. I’ve been doing that shit for years so Jeffrey will forgive it” Hank said.

 

  
════ ⋆★⋆ ════Gavin’s POV════ ⋆★⋆ ════

 

  
Oh _where do we begin?_  
 _The rubble or our sins?_  
Oh _where do we begin?_  
 _The rubble or our sins?_

 

  
Tina went back to her desk, laughing her ass off. Gavin stayed in the break room, staring at the necklace and the spot where Connor had stood a moment ago. The android had just walked off. He looked at the necklace again. It was simple, there was a small golden heart on it. I wanted to thank you.

Gavin wobbled to the bathroom. He set the necklace on the counter and leaned on it. He studied his face from the mirror. His eyes, were they grey or blue? Truth be told, he wasn’t sure. He had a small stubble. Was he too tired to shave? Or did he want to look like this? Why couldn’t he just take care of himself?

_Why did he give me this? Is he that grateful that I haven’t tried to murder him in a while? Does he seriously believe that my half-assed apology is enough? Had I thanked him, would he have done that smile again? All I’ve ever done is abuse him and everyone else who dared to get close. Why would he give me a heart? He could only ever be grateful, so why? A heart isn’t a sign that someone is simply happy about being friends… I don’t deserve this._

He cursed under his breath and pulled out his phone. I have to try and fix things.

 

╔ ——————————————— ╗

 

Me: Connor, please listen to me

: I’m sorry

: I loved it

: I didn’t mean to be like that

: Fuck I just can’t when she’s around

: Are you okay?

: Fuck, of course you’re fucking not…

: I swear the God, I’ll punch that bitch if it’ll make u happy

: I’m sorry

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

 

When Connor didn’t answer or even read them, Gavin texted Hank.

 

╔ ——————————————— ╗

 

Me: Hank, get here right fucking now

: U gotta find Con and see that he’s okay

: He stormed out and I don’t think he’s far but u gotta find him

 

Hank: What the fuck did you do??

 

Me: Just fucking find him

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

 

Gavin let his phone fall down.

“FUCK” He yelled as he punched the counter. His hand stung and he could feel a small trickle of blood coming from his knuckles. He picked up the necklace. He unclipped it and put it around his neck. The chain was thin and he was afraid that he would break it. It looked nice. It felt right on him. _He shouldn’t do all of this for me. I don’t deserve it, but fuck does it feel good. Fuck, it feels so fucking good..._

  
 _But if you close your eyes_  
 _Does it almost feel like_  
Nothing changed _at all?_  
 _And if you close your eyes_  
 _Does it almost feel like_  
 _You've been here before?_

  
_Nothing changed at all_   
_Nothing changed at all_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD. THE TECH SUPPORT TOLD ME THAT IT COULD BE EMOJIS. Jesus. It was such a minor thing I didn't think it could be a problem. 
> 
> I am so incredibly sorry about the delay XD.


	20. Fake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Fake by Bastille

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just now realized just how cruel I was. I made you guys wait over a week to get the last chapter and then it turned out to be just pure pain. I am a bad human bean.

_Drive around, night time, nowhere to go_

_Melt me down, I'm like wax to your jokes_

_Lost and found, knocking heads, laying low_

_And there's no point reliving crimes to lose this_

  


It was the day after Valentine’s. Gavin was trying desperately to find a moment to apologize to Connor. He checked and the android hadn’t even read his messages. _I can’t really blame him if I’m being honest… He has no reason to expect anything but ridicule from me._ Gavin touched the delicate chain. The necklace was nothing he would’ve worn willingly, but something about it being from Connor made him like it. The android had shown him the kindness he knew he didn’t deserve. He felt like he was obligated to do something in return. It was pathetic how all he could do was apologize.

 _Come to think of it, why am I so determined to show him that I cared? All I had sworn to do was to start accepting androids. Nothing more, nothing less. Becoming friends with one wasn’t a part of this mission._ He glanced over to Connor. He was tapping at his computer. He seemed preoccupied, almost like he wanted to ignore the world. Gavin had no doubt that it was because of what he did the day before. When he looked at Connor, he felt a tugging sensation. It made him want to let his walls crumble. He almost wanted Connor to know. He wanted Connor to smile at him like **that** again.

 

“Reed, Connor, Chen, Andersson! In my office! Hurry the fuck up” Fowler called out.

 

Gavin smiled. _It must be the fucking android brutality case…_ He stood up to walk to the office, but he was stopped when he saw a woman in there with Fowler. She had long blond hair that was on a ponytail. She seemed to be in her early twenties. She was wearing a hoodie and sweatpants that were too big for her. She had sunglasses on. _Why the fuck… It’s ain’t sunny out there..._ It almost looked like she wanted to blend it. Gavin looked over to Hank. The lieutenant gave him a knowing look.

Gavin rushed to the office first. He had noticed that Connor would do that as well, trying to get there as soon as he could. Gavin wondered if the android was thinking of it as a race. He held the door open for everyone. Connor didn’t meet his eyes. Hank glared at him.

 

“This is Emily. She told me that she’s the girlfriend of the ringleader,” Gavin frowned as Fowler was explaining, “Now she has told me that she’s the one who's been sending the anonymous tips. Go one, tell them what you told me” Fowler nodded at her.

 

Emily looked at them and smiled sadly.

 

“The leader is Alfred Houghton. I’ve been with him for six months. I was always aware that he hated androids. I didn’t really think much of it since a lot of people felt the same way. He seemed all normal and, and you know, we were happy” she paused and looked down, “Then one day he told me that he had something he wanted to show me. He drove me to an old barn. As you may guess, I was freaking out. There were other people there as well. They had a few androids there, and... well you know, you’ve seen the crime scenes. I asked him why he was doing it and he told me that if I told anyone, he would kill me. I couldn’t help but believe that he would really go through with it. It happened a few times and then I decided to start giving the tips. He would never tell me in advance where the sessions were being held. I tried to play along, to get his trust. Now I think I got it. He told me where the next one is. It’s in an old factory at the edge of the city” She explained.

 

“Why didn’t you just do the anonymous tip?” Connor asked.

 

“I believe that he was getting suspicious after telling me. I thought it would be the safest if I came here personally” Emily told them.

 

_That makes sense, and it explains the clothing._

 

“She has given me the exact location. Connor, can you confirm that she’s telling the truth?” Fowler asked.

 

“She’s nervous but she isn’t lying,” Connor said.

 

Gavin smiled. A few months ago he would’ve been ticked off. Now he understood that having Connor’s skills around was a blessing.

 

“I want you to take some men and raid the place. We don’t have the time for a detailed plan. If Alfred suspected Emily, he could want to get it over fast”, Fowler said, “Emily, is there anything more you need?” he asked.

 

“Well, I don’t think it’s safe for me to go home now. I know that Alfred has some shady friends and I think they know where I live…” she said.

 

“Of course, you can stay here until the raid is done. Then we can figure out something after it. Thank you for coming to us” Fowler smiled.

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  


_Still wanna waste all of my time_

_I wanna waste all of my time_

_Still wanna waste all of my time_

_I wanna waste all of my time_

_With you_

  


“We could stop for a quick drink, you know… ‘Could give some time for this Alfred to get the shit done” Tina laughed. She had insisted on being the driver.

 

“No, we have a job to do, and we’ll fucking do it” Gavin muttered. He was close to snapping at her. He knew that she wasn’t to blame for what he did yesterday. _She was an ass but it’s my own fault for being one as well._ He could almost feel their ‘friendship’ running through his hands like water. He didn’t mind. _Salty food is good, but there is a line between chips and a fucking chainsaw to the face and she is crossing it big time._

 

“You’re no fun anymore” she groaned.

 

Gavin sneered. He took out his phone. Connor still hadn’t read the messages.

  


╔ ——————————————— ╗

 

Gavin: Connor, please

: Just notice these

: I know ur phone works

: I saw u on it today

: Fuck

: I’m sorry

: I’m wearing the fucking necklace

: I would send a pic but Tina is next to me

: U know what

: Imma let her know that I love this shit

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

 

“You know, this necklace is not so bad” Gavin smiled. He pulled the necklace out so Tina could see it.

 

“Wait, you actually like that shit?” she asked. Her eyes were blown wide.

 

“I do. I think it’s really _sweet_ that **he** gave it to me” Gavin put clear emphasis on the word ‘he’. He felt himself smile like an idiot.

 

“Be careful, Reed. I could easily let anyone at the office know that you’re actually wearing that shit” Tina sneered.

 

Gavin could only laugh. _And what if I show it to them before you can do shit?_ He checked his phone and sent a selfie with the necklace showing in it. He made sure to wink even though everyone kept on telling him that he couldn’t do it.

 

╔ ——————————————— ╗

  


Gavin: I told her that I love it

: And I told her that it was rly sweet of u to give it to me

: And I called u a ‘he’

: Can you just please read these

: I know u can

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

 

Connor didn’t read them nor did he answer.

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  


_Show me joy, flower through disarray_

_Let's destroy, each mistake that we made_

_Then restore the color back to the grey_

_There's no pride in sharing scars to prove it_

  


The factory was quite small. On the way, Gavin had done his research. It had been closed in late 2025 for repeated breach of hygiene regulations of the food it produced. It was set up to be demolished somewhere around 2042. A few patrol cars were there already. Connor and Hank were among them. Chris came running from behind the factory.

 

“There are some cars in the woods,” he said.

 

“Must be the culprits” Hank said.

 

“There were only four,” Chris said.

 

“They might be getting scared of being caught. After all, we busted them last time” Gavin said. He noticed that Connor was unusually quiet. He hadn’t looked at Gavin for a single time that day.

 

They took a few minutes to come up with a plan. Time wasn’t on their side so they made it simple. The team split evenly to each entrance. On Hank’s mark, they would barge in and arrest the men. Gavin and Tina had taken the staff entrance on the front side and Connor and Hank took the one at the back. The other men would wait outside and catch the culprits once they got out. Once the door opened, they should be at changing room spot. From there, the culprits would most likely be in the main room. The mark came in a form of a whistle, and Gavin kicked the door open. He noticed that a rusty lock was laying on the ground.

He was right. The changing rooms were to his left. On the right were bathrooms. What caught his eye was the blue blood smeared on the ground. Connor had once told him that it disappears in a few hours. The place was filled with old boxes, crates, and metal wires. The air was thick and it made Gavin’s throat sore. He could smell the not-so-faint aroma of mold.

Tina ran to the next door and kicked it down. It was the main hall. The place was quiet. Gavin could see Connor and Hank coming from the other side of the hallway.

 

Connor’s eyes met Gavin’s for a fraction of a second. It was enough. Gavin could clearly see how uncomfortable and tense he was. He looked and felt out of place, almost as if he couldn’t concentrate. It looked as if all of the androids attention was somewhere far away, everywhere but in the factory.

 

Finding the men was easy. There was a solid blue blood trail going to the production chamber. Gavin looked at the others. He gave them a warning look and led the way. It was his case and he was going to be damned if he let anyone else take the glory. He pointed Tina to the next room. He assumed that there would be another door into the production chamber there and it was best to block every possible way out.

He kicked the door open and pointed his pistol inside.

Five men were standing in the middle of the room. They had their guns pointed at Gavin and Tina. Gavin glanced over the room quickly. Androids were piled up over the different counters and crates. He estimated that there were at least 80 of them. He wasn’t counting in the dozen big crates at the edge of the room. It was a lot more than in the previous cases. This time, however, he could see that they weren’t tortured as badly. Most of their heads were smashed in and he could also see a dozen android hearts piled on the floor.

 

Gavin could see that one of the men was holding a child android. He had his gun pointed at the girls head. He was the one standing in the middle.

 

“One step closer and I’ll shoot it!” He yelled.

 

“You’re Alfred, am I right?” Gavin called out.

 

“How do you know that?” the man screeched.

 

_To lie or not to lie… That is the question. Telling the truth would upset him…_

 

“Anthony Lawrence told us all about this ring of yours,” Gavin said.

 

“Fuck, I knew that kid was nothing but trouble” Alfred spat on the floor.

 

“Look, we don’t want to get violent here. We have police cars surrounding the place. You have no way out. Let the hostage go and you won’t be hurt” Gavin tried to convince him.

 

“It’s just a machine!” the man argued.

 

Gavin tried to hide his frown. _It’s a machine but it’s alive…_

 

“I know, but harming her is considered murder in the eyes of the law. Look at her, she’s just like a little kid! Do you really dare to hurt someone who looks like that?” It would’ve been easier to agree with Alfred, but Gavin just couldn’t anymore.

 

Alfred looked around as if trying to find a magical answer to solve all of his problems.

 

“Let us go to our cars, when we're outside the city, we’ll let her go!” Alfred tried to bargain.

 

“That’s impossible. Let the android go and I promise that you all get out of here peacefully” Gavin said calmly. He looked at the other men, almost begging and yet not backing down for a single second.

 

They were all silent for a moment. One by one, they threw their guns on the floor. In a few minutes, Hank had run back to Chris and they were handcuffing the five men. Alfred had let go of the android girl and she was standing still. Gavin looked back at Connor, who still refused to meet his eyes.

 

“How close is she?” he asked, whilst putting his gun away.

 

Connor looked away.

 

“Connor for fuck sake, we can talk about yesterday after we’re done here, but right now we gotta make sure she doesn’t fucking self-destruct on us!” Gavin nearly shouted. Seeing Connor like this hurt. Gavin didn’t want it, but right now he had a job to do.

 

“89%” the android croaked out.

 

_Shit._

 

He walked to the girl and knelt in front of her. She was staring at the ground.

 

“Hey, what’s your name?” he asked softly.

 

“S-Sofia” she stuttered.

 

“Alright, Sofia. You’re safe now”, Gavin paused. He felt comfortable that she wouldn’t destroy herself just yet. He glanced around the room once more and his eyes met Hanks. He motioned him to come over. Hank had way more experience with kids.

 

“This is Hank, he’ll take care of you now, okay?” Gavin asked.

 

“Okay,” she whispered.

 

Gavin stood up and ignored Hank’s intense gaze on him. The lieutenant was trying to argue, but Gavin was having none of it. He went back to look for Connor. He was nowhere to be seen. He went over to Tina.

 

“Where’s Connor?” he asked.

 

“Missing your boyfriend already?” she sneered.

 

“Where. is. he?” Gavin demanded. He was too tired, too angry and too sad to deal with her right now. _Gods, I need wine and some chick flicks..._

 

“It went to the bathroom” she muttered and walked away.

  


_Help me turn a blind eye_

_Days and nights we lost to weakness_

_Help me turn a blind eye_

_Days and nights we lost to weakness_

  


Connor was indeed in the bathroom. It was dirty and caked in dust. The android was looking at himself in the mirror. He didn’t even acknowledge it when Gavin walked in.

 

“You didn’t read the messages I sent you…” Gavin started.

 

“Why should I?” Connor’s LED blinked between yellow and red.

 

“Connor, I understand that you’re angry-”

 

“I trusted you. it’s fine if you still hate me, I just hoped that you…” Connor stopped. His LED was in a constant stage of angry red now.

 

“I’m sorry, but you gotta read what I send you” Gavin tried to stay calm.

 

“I can’t” Connor muttered.

 

Gavin sighed. He was starting to miss the old chatty and positive Connor. Whoever this was in front of him, it wasn’t the android he had grown so fond of. He took out his phone, found the text messages he sent and shoved them on Connor’s face. The android took a few seconds to look them over. _It shoulda taken less than a second… Shock, maybe. You really fucked it up this time, Gavin..._

 

“But you said-” Connor started.

 

“I did. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me…” Gavin cut him off.

 

“You told Tina…”

 

“You shoulda seen her face” Gavin smiled.

 

Connor laughed sadly.

 

“I love it, Connor”, Gavin said as softly as he could. He pulled the necklace up and showed it to Connor, “I really do” he finished.

 

“I’m glad,” Connor said. He seemed to be calming down. His LED was now back to its normal blue state.

 

“Though I wonder, why did you get a heart specifically?” Gavin asked.

 

 

Connor seemed to pause. His LED went back to yellow. He almost looked like he was having a mental battle with himself. Gavin could hear his heartbeat a little clearer than usual. _Am I nervous? Why?_ He thought of Connor smiling at him in the park. _Oh shit. Oh, sweet fucking Jesus. No way..._

 

“I thought it was appropriate since it was valentine’s day,” Connor said finally.

 

“Oh” Gavin croaked out. Disappointment. He couldn’t deny that. _Oh, fuck me. This can’t be happening…_ They stood there for a while, in silence. _Am I disappointed that he simply thought of it because it was Valentine’s day? Fuck, I definitely am. Fuck. me._

 

“We s-should get back to the others” Connor stuttered.

 

“Yeah” Gavin mumbled.

 

They stood there for another minute or two. Gavin felt like he was suffocating. He wasn’t sure if it was because of the awkward silence or because of the realization that he was in some deep shit. _I am deliciously fucked. So sweet. So tender. Fucked. absolutely fucked._ Eventually, Gavin cleared his throat and they left. Screw all of the times he nearly died on duty, he was terrified of these new feelings he was seeing in himself.

  


_Oh my lover, my lover, my love_

_We can never go back_

_We can only do our best to recreate_

_Don't turn over, turn over the page_

_We should rip it straight out_

_Then let's do our very best to fake it_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On a side note: My updating will be irregular. I'm working super hard on the original story I'm gonna write (and hopefully gonna get published) and it's taking a lot of my time. Then there is high school which is just the *nicest* thing out there. 
> 
> Then more about the original work I'm making. It's my take on the real story of Alexander Pearce. Go check the story out. It's really twisted and cool. I shall need beta readers. I will get my first draft done within this year and I think it will take around three weeks (or less) for me to get to the actual writing phase. If any of y'all wanna do it, pls message me on Tumblr. I will message you guys back once I'm in the writing phase and I have some chapters done (right now I'm outlining the shit). 
> 
> Oh, and please message me about what it's like if any of y'all have done at least one of these things:  
> -been in Tasmania  
> -have hiked in difficult terrain  
> -or have been in a jungle
> 
> Thank you for coming to my TEDx talk.
> 
> https://rediceaddict.tumblr.com


	21. Type

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Type by Toddrick hall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly feel like this song could be the theme of Convin. Like. Just listen to it. It's just amazing and so incredibly fitting. Also, check out this fanvid that the author of "not so different" made with this song:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tVk-Hsi1Ek

_I know how to pick 'em_   
_I know how to trick 'em into tricking me_   
_'Cuz they know I leave my heart on my sleave yeah_   
_And if you wanna date me, just manipulate me_ _  
_ Honey I'll be the lead

  


“I demand to be interrogated by a human!” Alfred screeched on the interrogation chair.

 

“I’m afraid that’s impossible,” Connor had insisted on being the one to interrogate the man, “All of the evidence points to your way. We just need-”

 

“Shut the fuck up you piece of shit” Alfred sneered.

 

Gavin was found himself increasingly annoyed with him. _I like the idea of the fucker being dicked down by an android, but this is shit. No one insults that Siri on my watch… No, he cannot be a Siri, he’s too kind for that. Come to think of it, it’s not the best idea to play the good cop with a man like Alfred..._

 

“I have to admit, it was nicely done. You kidnapped over a hundred androids, tortured and killed them. It took a man inside to get you caught. I’m impressed. How did you get so many?” Connor said as he leaned forward. _Oh… He wants to feed the fuckers pride… Smart._ Gavin smiled.

 

Alfred stayed silent. He looked to be deep in thought, probably looking for a way out. _There’s nothing he can do though..._

 

“You do realize that there is no way out of this. You got caught red handed. End of story” Connor said bluntly. _He’s good…_ Gavin had on some level always admired the androids interrogation skills. The way he could go from good cop to bad cop never seized to impress him. It was nice for a change to be able to admit it.

 

Alfred was silent once more.

 

“You don’t seem to understand the situation. You are suspected of leading a group that mass murdered and tortured living beings. Do you not understand how serious this is?” Connor asked.

 

Alfred didn’t answer.

 

“Say something for fuck sake!” Connor slammed his hand on the table, startling the man. _Oh, thank Kamski for blessing us with this motherfucker._ Gavin could feel his face heat up. _I take it all back. Fuck Kamski for making me feel…_ **_this_** _._

 

“You aren’t alive” Alfred muttered.

 

“The government seems to think otherwise. Confess now and we’ll make this a _little_ easier” Connor didn’t seem to be affected by the comment.

 

Alfred was silent for a moment. Then he leaned forward and smiled.

 

“It’s true. We killed them. We picked up them from the streets, brought them in and did all kinds of things to them. You shoulda been there to see it. It was… _beautiful_ , the way they screamed and cried,” Alfred paused and winked, “I wish we coulda played with you as well…”

 

Gavin cringed. _There’s nothing beautiful about it._ Even when he had hated androids, the crime scenes had disgusted him. He could almost hear Heather’s cries once more. He could see the child android’s faces once more. At that moment, all Gavin wanted to do was march in there and show the fucker what he thought.

 

“Thank you for your cooperation” Connor _smiled_. It wasn’t the smile that made Gavin’s knees weak, no, this smile was nothing but full of shit. If the situation was different, Gavin would’ve laughed at how ridiculous he looked.

 

They escorted Alfred to one of the cells.

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  


_All the sweet little lies they tell_   
_Yeah they cheat but they look so swell_   
_On my arm_   
_Smell that charm_   
_What's the harm in trying it on_ _  
_ And if he don't wanna whine and dine then sign me up

  


Gavin was in the break room alone for once. He was leaning against the table. Tina had tried to speak to him, but he had banished her by telling her that he needed to think, and think he needed. Chris and Wilson had gotten everyone something for Valentine’s, even for him. _Wilson gave me a motherfucking cactus even though all I have done is make fun of his love for plants. Chris drew me a picture of a dolphin even though I’ve ridiculed him for his passion for art. Then there’s Connor, the sweet, too kind, the eye candy piece of plastic who got me a necklace. A heart necklace. Am I supposed to laugh or cry, I wonder..._

The events of yesterday came onto his mind. At first, he hadn’t been sure, but thinking back, his suspicions were confirmed. He had definitely felt disappointed that Connor had meant the necklace as a simple gift. Could that even be true? Connor had looked incredibly suspicious when he said it. Gavin was a detective and he knows a liar when he sees one.

The idea of Connor wanting more from his was strangely endearing. Sure, Gavin was still afraid but he hadn’t been fired yet. In fact, Fowler hadn’t shown any signs of even thinking about it. Perhaps there was a chance… Just a small chance, that this wasn’t the absolute end of the world. Sun wouldn’t swallow the earth just yet. Pancake wouldn’t run away and leave him. The volcano under Yellowstone wouldn’t erupt tomorrow. Maybe Gavin could even keep his job and sanity. He was far from a believer, but at that point, he felt like thanking God.

 

He took a sip of his coffee. He felt like he was skirting around the real issue. Connor was a machine. There was no way. Then he remembered his solemn oath to accept androids. _Well fuck. What if Connor was a human… I’d be fucked. I am already fucked. There is no fucking way that I would want a machine to like me. Fuck he’s more than a fucking machine! I know that… He’s just a bunch of wires. Fuck but he’s also more than that… Jesus Christ, hating all of them was so much easier…_

One sure way to find out what the hell was going on with his feelings was if he did something with Connor and actually tried to see what was going on. _I could ask to spend some time with him… If he takes it just as buddies hanging out, I wouldn’t mind since he’s actually pretty chill to be around…_

 

“The android brutalizing ring was caught yesterday. Over 100 androids in total have been reported to fallen victim to this horrendous group. Detective Gavin Reed was the leader of the numerous raids conducted to catch the criminals. Captain Fowler has commented that it couldn’t have been done without him” The news anchor went on and on.

 

Gavin couldn’t help but smile at the irony. The famous android hater was being given recognition for helping androids. A wave of proudness came next. Still, he felt like Connor also deserved some credit. Sure it was Gavin’s case, but Connor was an essential part of the success.

 

“Hey, dipshit! Make me a coffee!” Tina’s voice brought Gavin back to reality.

 

She was standing in front of Connor with her arms crossed.

 

“My apologies, but I don’t want to” _oh you sweet little idiot, don’t apologize_ , Gavin thought.

 

“Excuse me! I gave you an order!” Tina screeched.

 

Gavin sneered and picked up his coffee cup and walked up to her. He was 100% done with her shit.

 

“Hey, Tina! Long time no see” he did his best to smile.

 

“Gavin, I’m gla- WHAT THE FUCK” Tina yelped when the coffee splattered all over her face and shirt. She threw her hands on her nose, where Gavin’s cup had landed. It was rather fortunate for her sake that the coffee wasn’t piping hot anymore.

 

“Enjoy your _fucking_ coffee,” Gavin spat, “and I hope you have some spare clothes.”

 

He watched as Tina stormed to the bathrooms.

 

“Thank you, detective Reed” Connor seemed to coo.

 

“Ey, don’t call me th-” Gavin paused as he turned around. Connor had **that smile** again. That fucking smile that could melt ice. That fucking small that made Gavin feel jittery and weak. _How dare you… How dare… Holy shit, I’m fucked._

 

“Karma is a bitch, as Hank would say” Connor continued.

 

“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to you swearing…” Gavin mumbled.

 

_Go on, ask him. Just fucking ask him. Do you wanna go out after work. It’s not that hard. I know for a fact what he meant with that fucking necklace. Just. Do. It._

 

“Hey, Con? Do you, uh, wanna do some shit after work?” _God, why do I keep stuttering…_

 

“Do you mean like on a... date?” Connor asked as his eyes widened.

 

“N-no? I...” Gavin stopped. _Oh for fuck sake that’s exactly what I kinda fucking thought about but I guess we’re not having that. I just wanted to try out something and guess whose mouth decided not to cooperate. FUCK. ME._

 

“Oh” There it was again, Connor sounded disappointed. Gavin didn’t need to be a detective to see that.

 

“She’s not going to forgive you for that” Connor pointed out after a while of silence.

 

“You think I don’t know that? Jesus, it’s good fucking riddance!” Gavin laughed.

 

 _But still, Tina was the closest thing I had to a friend for a long time._ He knew that she wasn’t good for him, but desperate people get all happiness they can find, even if it’s bad for them. He wanted to despise Tina but he understood where she was coming from. They had been a lot like before. She had her reasons to despise androids, and Gavin had his. He knew that she might one day come to accept them as well. She would just need that one push. _Even so, that push definitely wasn’t coffee thrown at her face…_

 

“Are you sure that you’re okay? You two seemed to be friends…” Connor asked. _Always so considerate… How the hell were you the one I would fall for?_

 

“I know a few things about toxic people, and she was one of them. Fuck, if being around her pressures me to be a complete asshole, I shoulda done that a long time ago!” Gavin sighed, feeling like an idiot.

 

“I doubt that it would’ve been that easy. It’s incredibly hard for people to leave unhealthy relationships. I understand that it’s the fear of starting out fresh and the false hope that it will change if they stick around just a little while longer” Connor said.

 

“And the feeling that the bad things are your own fault and that you deserve them” Gavin muttered.

 

“I apologize, I shouldn’t have brought it up,” Connor said.

 

“It’s okay. I’ve actually never talked about it to anyone except you” Gavin admitted.

 

“Thank you, detective Reed” Connor smirked.

 

“Ey, are you calling me that just to annoy me?” Gavin chuckled.

 

“Perhaps” Connor smiled and so did Gavin.

 

They stood there in comfortable silence for a while. Tina walked past them. It was apparent that she didn’t have spare clothes. Her white shirt and uniform jacket were stained in coffee. Gavin gave her the sweetest smile that he could muster. Her face was filled with blank rage. He wondered if she would form an alliance with Ben now.

 

“So, what did you have in mind? For tonight, I mean” Connor asked.

 

“Hmm, there is a new dog park just around the corner. I heard that you liked d-” Gavin started.

 

“Yes. Can I go pick up Sumo? He’s a good boy and I want him to get friends. And unless you fall madly in love with Sumo, our friendship cannot continue” Connor blurted out with a ridiculously wide smile on his face.

 

“So, you got a sense of humor now,” Gavin laughed, “I’m not the biggest dog person, but I would love to meet this Sumo” _Fucking finally. I didn’t stutter and that was quite fucking smooth. Good job, Gavin. You deserve a bottle of red wine…_

 

“Alright. I will ask Hank” Connor said.

 

“Wait, do you gotta ask him? The dude hates me!” Gavin said a little too loudly for his liking.

 

“Sumo is his dog. I’m sure that if I tell him about the dog park, he will be cool with it”

 

“Cool? I’ve never heard you speak like that…” Gavin smiled. It was a welcome change.

 

His smile disappeared when he saw Connor frowning.

 

“You alright?” He asked.

 

“I… It’s strange. Being alive is all so new to me… So please forgive me” Connor mumbled.

 

“Shit, Con. It’s okay. It’s _cool_. I just wasn’t expecting that” Gavin tried to assure him. _Very fucking smooth there… There goes the fucking wine..._

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  


╔ ——————————————— ╗

 

[1 new message]

[Con~]

 

Con~: I asked Hank. He approved of it once I promised that we would not sin in front of Sumo. I do not know what he meant by that, however. What do you think?

 

Gavin: I will never tell u

 

Con~: May I ask why?

 

Gavin: u may not

 

Con~: Please, detective Reed…

 

Gavin: U little clueless fucking shit

: He doesn’t want us to fuck

 

Con~: Oh

 

Gavin: see why I didn’t wanna tell u

 

Con~: I do not understand why Hank needed to say that though. I’ve already told him that my model does not have the parts required for sexual intercourse.

 

Gavin: What the fuck led u to speak about that type of shit to him

 

Con~: I told him that I like men and he tried to give me this thing called ‘the talk’

: Are you alright? I can see that your face has reddened significantly.

 

Gavin: He gave u the talk?

 

Con~: He tried to, but I told him that there was no need.

 

Gavin: How did u find out tho?

: I only care bc u know

 

Con~: I don’t believe I know

 

Gavin: Fuck sake I also like dudes, just fucking tell me how u figured it out…

 

Con~: Oh.

 

Gavin: too personal?

 

Con~: For now.

 

Gavin: [Picture]

:Sowy~

 

Con~: It’s alright. One day I will tell you.

 

Gavin: Do u want me to pick u up from Hank’s house or some shit?

 

Con~: That would be nice

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  


Gavin was leaning against his car, staring at the heated exchange between Hank and Connor. He didn’t hear what they were saying, but he saw it through the window. Hank seemed to be lecturing the android on something. Gavin assumed it to be about stranger-danger or something like that. It was no secret that Hank hated Gavin almost as much as he hated him.

After a few minutes, Connor finally came out. He had a huge Saint Bernard on the leash.

 

“Hello Sumo,” Gavin said as he knelt down to pet the dog. He was happy to find that he was calm and didn’t jump all over him.

 

“Do you like him?” Connor asked.

 

“I absolutely love him, Con” Gavin smiled.

 

They put Sumo in the backseat. Gavin was pleasantly surprised that the dog didn’t bark at the cars passing by. He just slept.

 

“What were you and Hank talking about back there?” Gavin asked.

 

“He was reminding me of my rights and such. He told me that I shouldn’t let you use me and he reminded me that I can always say no” Connor said.

 

“Damn, just how little does he trust me”  Gavin laughed.

 

“I think he despises you,” Connor said.

 

“I don’t blame him…” Gavin muttered.

 

“I don’t think you’re that bad” _Connor, you clueless little bean…_

 

“Not that bad, huh… I tried to kill you” Gavin pointed out.

 

“And you apologized for it” Connor pointed out.

 

“There are some moments where apologizing is not enough,” Gavin said. He still couldn’t come into terms that Connor had already forgiven him. Three months and he was acting as if nothing had happened.

 

“If you still believe that we cannot be friends because of it, why did you invite me here?”

 

“Is that a rhetorical question?” Gavin snorted.

 

“No, I am genuinely curious” Connor gave him the puppy eyes.

 

“I don’t know” _Because being around you makes me happy. Because I wanted to know what being on a date with you would work out. I kinda fucked that up. Big time. You make me feel vulnerable and the most fucked up thing is that I like it. I fucking want you to see me. Or whatever that means._

 

“Oh,” Connor hummed.

 

There it was again, the strange disappointment in his voice. Gavin recognized the song playing in the background. It was “Heat of the moment by Asia”. His mother had played it every time they were on a road trip. The song had a magical power to distract him from all the bad things that were happening.

 

“Fuck, I love this song,” he said and began to sing along the chorus.

 

“I never meant to be so bad to you

One thing I said that I would never do

A look from you and I would fall from grace

And that would wipe this smile right from my face”

 

He could feel Connor’s eyes pouring on him. It spurred him on.

 

“Do you remember when we used to dance?

And incident arose from circumstance

One thing lead to another, we were young

And we would scream together songs unsung”

 

It dawned on him that he had never played the song to anyone. It was something so incredibly close to his heart that he didn’t want others to see. It was the song he would listen whenever he wanted to escape, and to show it to someone felt like he was telling them exactly where he would hide should danger come knocking. What scared him, even more, was that he almost wanted Connor to find him. Before he would’ve skipped the song as soon as the first tune played. _Don’t let him in. Lock the doors and turn off the lights. Hide until the morning breaks._ That’s what his mother had told him.

He turned the radio up. Then come on in...

 

“It was the heat of the moment

Telling me what your heart meant

The heat of the moment shone in your eyes”

 

When the song finally ended, Gavin felt. He couldn’t name all of the emotions. He just felt. He was sure that Connor could sense it too. That android was the master at reading others, whilst also being the absolute worst at understanding himself. If Gavin let his heart and soul lose by singing, Connor could feel it. All of the one night stands in his life never felt this intimate. Not even close. Being close was his biggest fear for so long, and now it was creating something foreign, unknown and absolutely terrifying. He, however, could not call what he felt fear.

 

“Thank you” he heard Connor say. It almost sounded like a whisper. Gavin looked over and found that Connor had **that smile** on his face once again. It was the second time in one day.

 

Poor Sumo.

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  


_I know how they do me_   
_But how do they tattoo me everytime they leave_   
_And I swear right then that I'll never let it happen again no_   
_If you wanna upset me, just forget to text me_   
_Honey I'll be the lead_   
_All my deep insecurities_ _  
_ All I need is security for my heart

  
_It's not hard_   
_What's the harm is paying the part_   
_And if he's just gonna break me down again_ _  
_ Then count me in

  


The dog park was surprisingly empty considering that it was just recently opened. Gavin didn’t complain. The fewer people there were, the more likely it was that he could spend the entire evening just with Connor.

 

They sat down on the closest bench. Connor unclipped the leash. It took Sumo a few seconds to realize that he was free. When he got it, he trotted over to a big maple tree and laid down. The dog’s energy level made Gavin smile. He looked over to Connor. The android’s eyes were almost glistening as he watched the other dogs play around. Gavin took note that if he was going to hang out with Connor more, he would remember to include dogs.

 

_Alright, now I have to socialize with him. What would he enjoy talking about... C’mon Gavin. You’ve done this shit before. Shit ain’t that hard... Just ask something…_

 

“Do you like big or small dogs?” regret, embarrassment, and shame washed over him immediately. _Oh Jesus, NO. Just no. Good fucking job, Gavin. Such nice, wow…_

 

“I don’t have a preference. Small dogs are adorable but big dogs are incredibly nice to cuddle with. What do you think?” _Oh, thank Christ for Connor’s clueless fucking attitude…_

 

“Cats. I just fucking love cats” Gavin blurted out

 

“I hope being in a dog park isn’t too uncomfortable for you,” Connor said.

 

“It was my idea to come here... and I don’t hate dogs, cats are just more chill” Gavin explained.

 

“Sumo is also ‘chill’ as you would put it…” Connor smirked.

 

“Ey! He’s an exception” Gavin laughed. He looked away to hide his cheeks that were getting redder. _Someone oughta tell him to stop smiling… I’m too young to have a heart attack._

 

Connor laughed. Not a small chuckle, a genuine fucking laugh. The sound seemed to come deep from his throat and cheeks puffed up a little. Gavin could almost feel his heart jump into his throat. _Who gave him the permission to do that..._

 

They watched as a small corgi approached Sumo. The corgi had a stick in her mouth. She dropped it in front of Sumo. He just looked at it and let out a snort. Like owner, like a dog. They sat in the comfortable silence for a few minutes. Gavin had to admit that he had rarely felt this nice around other people. He used to find only traces of happiness through sarcasm and verbal abuse, and now he was overjoyed by watching a lazy dog with an android. Life was strange.

 

“That song in the car, it was clearly personal. Do you want to tell me why?” Connor asked.

 

“Sure,” _I’ve come this far, might as well go all the way,_ “My mom used to play it whenever we were on road trips. It just kinda brings me back to those moments, ya know, when everything felt nice. Sure shit was fucked at home, but this song just made us both feel safe. Whenever she or I were sad, we would listen to it together. I don’t actually think I’ve ever heard it with anyone else other than her… until now of course” Gavin went on and on. _Huh, strange. Speaking about shit like this feels somehow easier than before…_

 

“I wish I could’ve met her,” Connor said softly.

 

“I think she woulda adored you” Gavin smiled.

 

Sumo finally gave in. The corgi was currently chasing him around the tree. A great Dane and a golden retriever joined them. Sumo looked like he was regretting his life. All he wanted to do was sleep and all of a sudden he was the center of attention.

 

“Did anything happen with Markus?” Gavin asked.

 

“What do you mean?” Connor asked.

 

“You asked for those updates” Gavin pointed out.

 

“Oh. Actually yes. He got cyberlife to cooperate with it. They should be out in a few days from now actually” Connor told him.

 

“Are you gonna get them?” Gavin asked.

 

“I don’t know” Connor mumbled.

 

“Why not? I mean, you were the one asking for them” Gavin reminded him.

 

“It just seems strange. I always dreamt about feeling like a human, but… I think I’m scared” Connor stuttered the last part as if the words seemed unfamiliar to him.

 

“Understandable. It does seem like a huge fucking change. You can always just start with a few, or nothing at all” Gavin said.

 

Connor was quiet for a moment. Then he looked at Gavin.

 

“Is feeling physical things worth it?” he asked.

 

“I dunno what to say to that. I’ve always felt it so it’s kinda weird…” Gavin admitted.

 

“Let me rephrase, do you enjoy feeling things physically?”

 

“It depends on the feeling. If it’s pain, then fuck no, but pleasure is always nice… I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s not exactly nice but not bad. It just reminds me that I’m alive. Can't you just stop and undo the shit if you don't like it?”

 

“I guess I can… thank you” Connor smiled.

“You know, I think I'm starting to warm up to dogs,” Gavin said as he watched Sumo play.

 

They stayed there for half an hour, watching Sumo play with the other dogs. Gavin noted that they had formed an alliance. Sumo was with the corgi and the great Dane was with the golden retriever. Eventually, the great Dane and the retriever left with their owners. The corgi seemed to be absolutely in love with Sumo. When she left as well, Connor called Sumo to him and Gavin drove them back to Hank’s. As he watched Hank usher Connor inside, he couldn’t help but feel like a teenager once more.

  


_I got 99 problems but I'll take one more_   
_I love shopping at the a**hole store_   
_And if you don't know how to treat me right_   
_Take my number cuz you're just my type_   
_And I know I'm f*cked up, lucky you_   
_I'm lookin' for someone a little f*cked up too_   
_If you wanna break my heart tonight_ _  
_ Come on over 'cuz you're just my type, yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mah dudes. I checked out the exact definition of the word "coo" AND IT'S THE CUTEST SHIT.
> 
> 1.  
> (of a pigeon or dove) make a soft murmuring sound.  
> "ringdoves cooed among the branches"  
> (of a person) speak in a soft gentle voice.  
> "she cooed with delight as he unpacked the bags"
> 
> THAT IS SO CUTE. 
> 
> Someone needs to draw Connor as a pigeon. SIHFOHASLFHKAKL SO CUTE.


	22. Warmth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Warmth by Bastille

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fluff is strong on this one. Oh boi.

_Never good just the bad and the ugly_

_Laid in front of you_

_Nothing quite like seeing the world through the TV's we know_

_Feeling helpless I look for distraction_

_I go searching for you, wandering through our city to find some solace at your door_

  


“Are you sure about this?” Hank asked.

 

“I am” Connor answered.

 

They looked at the Cyberlife factory. It was more like a hospital for androids now. Once it was a place where androids would come to die, and now it has been transformed into a place where they can find life. The parking lot was filled with androids. Connor assumed they were looking to get the updates... There were also some human protestors.

 

“You were scared before though…” Hank commented.

 

“Gavin helped me,” Connor said.

 

“What’s up with him?” Hank asked.

 

“What do you mean?” Connor asked.

 

“Don’t play stupid, he tried to kill you and now you two keep hanging out like teenagers in love” Connor’s cheeks flushed blue as he read Hank. He recognized the emotion to be embarrassment.

 

“I understand your concern, but he has truly changed,” he said.

 

“Polishing a turd won’t make it cotton candy” Hank grumbled.

 

“I understand what you’re trying to say, however, Gavin is a human and humans are capable of change. Need I remind you that you also pulled a gun on me once” Connor sighed.

 

“Gavin did that twice” Hank argued.

 

“Actually three times…” Connor mumbled.

 

“Wait what, when was the third?”

 

“Before I went to the archive room. He stopped me and I told him that I was going to miss our bromance. He pointed his gun at me and pretended to shoot me” Connor smiled. Strangely enough, he considered it a good memory.

 

“Bromance, huh?” Hank laughed, “Usually people in a bromance don’t try to murder each other!”

 

“Didn’t you see him throwing that coffee on Tina?” Connor asked.

 

“...”

 

“We have not sinned…” he whispered.

 

“…”

 

“He stopped me from self-destructing three times” In the barn, in the storage room and then in the old factory. Connor smiled.

 

“…”

 

“He took me to a dog park with Sumo”

 

“…”

 

“And he has a cat named Pancake”

 

“What the hell is your point?” Hank finally asked.

 

“He has a cat that he loves more than himself, therefore he’s not a terrible human being. Anyone who cares for animals is redeemable” there was no evidence to prove this conclusion, but Connor was certain it was true.

 

“Connor…” Hank tried to start.

 

“Prove me wrong” Connor crossed his arms.

 

“Oh Jesus… Are you gonna get those updates or not…” Hank mumbled.

 

“Yes, just wait a moment” Connor smiled. Winning arguments with Hank was incredibly easy.

 

He took out his phone and texted Gavin.

 

╔ ——————————————— ╗

 

Connor: I’m about to get the updates. I would like to see Pancake.

 

Gavin: [Picture]

: for luck <3

 

Connor: Thank you

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

 

He smiled and put the phone away.

 

“Explain” Hank demanded.

 

“Explain what?” Connor asked.

 

“Don’t play dumb with me. Why does he send you pictures of that cat?” Connor frowned.

 

“Because I asked him to”

 

“No. He showed me a part of your fucking texts and he keeps sending you those pictures. Why?”

 

“Seeing Pancake seems to lower my stress levels. I can’t seem to understand what’s so suspicious about that?” Connor asked.

 

“Jesus” Hank sighed.

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  


“How long will it take?” Connor asked.

 

“Around four hours. The update won’t start working immediately. They should start working before 9 pm, however,” the doctor replied.

 

Connor stared at the bright white ceiling. He had done his calculations and the chances of something going wrong were slim to none. His doctor was a human, but she was also the only one who knew how to operate his model. Connor knew there was nothing to worry about. The technician knew what she was doing. _The updates will only enhance who I am. They will just make me feel as alive as truly I am. It won’t change me. Gavin told me that I can have them undone if I don’t like it. I believe you._

 

“I’m going to put you into sleep mode now,” The doctor said.

 

Connor closed his eyes and the world went black.

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  


_I can't stop thinking about it_

_I can't stop thinking about it_

_Tell me did you see the news tonight_

  


The doctor was speaking. He saw the ceiling. It looked like a painting rather than reality. It existed and yet Connor couldn’t feel it. He heard what the doctor was saying, but at the same time, he didn’t. It almost felt like back when he had called the therapist for Hank. He couldn’t concentrate on the doctor’s words. He was too busy dwelling on the heavy feeling in his chest. It felt like he was filled with water. He wasn’t drowning, but he was sinking. His body felt jittery and weak. He felt something new swell up inside of him. He knew it to be the updates.

He thought about Hank. Today was the day when he would start feeling things. Hank was like a father to him and yet he felt strange. Uncomfortable, maybe. Hank was so incredibly close. He was like a father to Connor. It felt wrong to be with him now.

Once the doctor left, Connor stayed in the bed for a while. He had been told to wait a while until he felt more stable. He took out his phone and texted Gavin.

 

╔ ——————————————— ╗

 

Connor: I got the updates. I was hoping to ask you a favor?

 

Gavin: shoot

 

Connor: May I come over?

 

Gavin: Sure, but why?

 

Connor: I feel uncomfortable being with Hank at the moment

 

Gavin: did he do some shit u don’t like?

 

Connor: No. He can’t seem to stop interrogating me about you. I also wish to experience these new features with you. I think I feel like Hank is too close.

 

Gavin: wow, that makes me feel rly fucking cute

: so, can u feel shit like us now?

 

Connor: the technician said that it will take a while for all of the updates to start working correctly.

 

Gavin: oh

: I’ll get out of work in like 20 mins…

: I can pick u up from hanks

: or he can drive u here

: or to my house

: whatever works for u

 

Connor: I will ask Hank to drive me to yours. I wish to spend time with the strays.

 

Gavin: sure

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  


_So come on let's forget the emotion_

_Tie the blinkers oh, hold both hands right over my eyes_

_Deafen me with music_

_'Till we're lost in the heat of the moment_

_And I move and you help me keep these hours alive_

_Help me chase those seconds_

  


“How did it go?” Hank asked. Connor concluded that he had gone out for a drink while waiting. He could tell by the alcohol in his breath.

 

“The updates will start working correctly after a while,” Connor told him.

 

Hank hummed in response.

 

“I was hoping to go to Gavin’s for the evening” Connor couldn’t tell why, but he had hesitated to say it. He knew that Hank wouldn’t react kindly. Worst of all, he knew it had everything to do with Gavin.

 

“No fucking way” Hank spat.

 

“Hank, do I need to remind you that I’m considered an adult?” Connor argued.

 

“Why the fuck do you wanna do that?”

 

“I feel like I need to be somewhere else when the updates start working. Being with Sumo and you right now makes me feel uncomfortable. I hope you don’t take it personally” Connor recognized the feeling to be guilt.

 

“I will take it like that…” Hank muttered.

 

“I need to be away when I start feeling. I hope you can understand” Connor persisted.

 

“Fine. Just fine. Just for one evening though” Hank sighed.

 

“Reasonable” Connor decided that it was good enough.

 

“So, what updates did you get?” Hank asked.

 

“Everything”

 

“Wait, really? Weren’t you supposed to start off with just one or two?” Hank seemed puzzled.

 

“I wanted to get it out of the way. I figured if I just did everything at once, it would make it easier”

 

“Your logic is full of bullshit. It would’ve been easier to start off small” Hank said.

 

Connor shrugged. He knew Hank was right. Patience was one of his biggest virtues, but he had decided that this time he wouldn’t wait around for the right moment. He had all the time in the world unlike humans, but he decided that he wouldn’t wait this time. If he had done so, he would’ve started rethinking his choice. He knew he had to get the updates and waiting would only make it harder.

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  


_I just keep talking about it_

_But I'll do nothing about it_

_Tell me did you see the news last night_

  


Connor sat on the front porch of Gavin’s house. To his dismay, only one stray stayed beside him. He pet the cat. Nothing. He did notice that the air was more chilly than usual. The technician had told him that he would first start feeling temperature and then the other feelings.

He watched as Gavin pulled into the driveway. He walked over. Connor didn’t fail to notice the tense expression on his face.

 

“Did something happen?” he asked.

 

“Tina and I got into an argument,” Gavin said as he looked away.

 

“And?”

 

“She declared that I was a disgrace to every detective in Detroit” Gavin seemed to be gritting his teeth. Connor frowned. He was quickly starting to hate seeing Gavin like this. He had every reason to be proud of his detective abilities.

 

“You’re not”, Connor said as he stood up and stepped closer, “I think you’re one of the most capable detectives out there. I’ll be surprised if you aren’t promoted in a year!” He tried to laugh.

 

“Thank you,” Gavin said quietly. His cheeks seemed to have gotten red.

 

“And you’ve proven to me that humans can change for the better” Connor continued. He had learned that from Hank already, but something felt different with Gavin.

 

They stood there in silence for a minute. Connor realized it to be considered awkward.

“Ugh, get in” Gavin finally mumbled.

 

Connor was pleasantly surprised when he stepped into the house. It was considerably cleaner than last time. As soon as they stepped in, Gavin had thrown off his jacket and jumped on the couch.

 

“I see that you have cleaned,” Connor said.

 

“Oh yeah? I just got kinda tired of the place being a mess” Gavin mumbled.

 

He patted the spot next to him and Connor sat down.

 

“So, tell me everything. Can you feel shit now?” Gavin asked.

 

“So far it seems like hot and cold are the only once. It should take a while” Connor said.

 

“So, I suppose you wanna try shit out”

 

“I would like that” Connor smiled.

 

“Hold on, Imma get you some ice” Gavin said.

 

He stood up and went to the kitchen. After a few minutes, he came back with a bowl. It was full of ice cubes. He set it on the table and took one cube out.

 

“Give me your hands”

 

Connor cupped is hands. He sucked in a breath when Gavin brought the cube closer. He had waited for this moment for so long, and now it was finally here. He couldn’t tell if he was more excited or scared. Gavin dropped the ice cube on his hands. For a brief second, he barely felt it. Then it started.

 

“O-oh” Connor stuttered as the stinging cold intensified in his palms. He felt the ice starting to melt almost immediately. The more it melted, the colder his hands felt. His hands were tingling and prickling and it became nearly unbearable. All he could feel was the coldness of the cube.

 

“Do you feel it?” Gavin asked. His eyes were blown wide with what Connor assumed to be fascination.

 

“Y-yeah” Connor stuttered.

 

He heard Gavin laugh: “You can drop it when you want to.”

 

“I like it,” Connor said after a while.

 

“What?” Gavin nearly gasped.

 

“The cold, I mean. It feels… pleasant” The tingling was slightly uncomfortable but it also felt strangely nice.

 

“Are you a masochist or something?” Gavin laughed.

 

“I know you’re joking, but what if I am?” Connor asked.

 

Gavin choked and let out a snort. It sounded painful.

 

“Are you alright?” Connor asked.

 

“Y-yeah” Gavin stuttered.

 

Then it was too much. Connor felt his hands going numb and the water was starting to drip. He dropped the ice cube on the bowl. His hands felt empty. He stared at them, stunned.

 

“It’s still cold” Connor whispered.

 

“Still a masochist?” He could almost hear Gavin smile.

 

“I want to hold your hand,” Connor said without thinking.

 

“W-what?” Gavin stuttered.

 

“I want to know what a human actually feels like” _I want to know what your hands feel like..._

 

He looked back at Gavin. His face was red and he was staring at his own hands. Connor couldn’t understand what was wrong. After all, they had held hands before.

 

“You know, when you say shit like that it sounds like…” he paused.

 

“Sounds like what?” Connor asked.

 

“I...it. Fuck, whatever” Gavin mumbled.

 

_Gavin Reed is a mystery. Will I ever understand him, I wonder..._

 

“My question still stands,” Connor said.

 

“Sure…” Gavin nearly whispered.

 

Connor wrapped both of his hands around Gavin’s. If holding his hand made him feel safe before, this made him feel even better. Gavin’s hands were rough and scarred from his years as a detective. Connor didn’t mind. He actually found himself liking the feeling. As his cold hands touched the detective's warm hands, he felt like he was burning slowly. The coldness was perfectly countered by the warm. It almost brought tears to his eyes. The cold had been pleasant, but this was on a different level entirely.

 

“You’re so warm” Connor muttered under his breath.

 

“O-okay. Are you still cold?” Gavin asked clumsily.

 

“A little” Connor said.

 

“Wait” and with that, he was gone once more. Connor found himself missing the contact immediately. At that point, he would’ve done almost anything to have the detective’s hands on him once more.

 

_“Holding hands is like a controllable gravitational pull, an outside force that keeps you steady_

_and grounded.”_

 

After a while, Gavin came back with a candle and a box of matches. He set them on the table and lit the candle. Connor could instantly feel the heat radiating from it.

 

“Bring your hands closer,” Gavin said.

 

Connor complied.

 

“Woah” he breathed out. He could feel the coldness disappear with a wave of tingles.

 

“Is it warm?” Gavin chuckled.

 

“Hmhm” Connor hummed. He leaned closer.

 

“Don’t get too close. You’ll burn yourself” Gavin warned.

 

“What does it feel like?” Connor asked.

 

“Not nice,” Gavin said.

 

“Can I try?”

 

“Absolutely not”

 

“But, I want to feel it” Connor insisted. _Surely there is nothing wrong with a little consensual pain..._

 

“You shouldn’t go out seeking pain,” Gavin said as if it was the most obvious thing.

 

“But what if I’m a masochist?” Connor asked.

 

“I doubt that you are. Even if you were, you shouldn’t seek out something that will be dangerous” Gavin explained.

 

“Is there anything that I can try out?” Connor smiled hopefully.

 

“Well, I won’t spank you…” Gavin laughed. Connor paused, his mind going blank for a solid two seconds.

 

“I agree. It wouldn’t be appropriate for us to engage in sexual activities right now” _right now… Why did I say that?_

 

Gavin snorted.

 

“There must be something…” Connor insisted.

 

“Connor…”

 

“Please, _detective Reed?_ ” he cooed.

 

“Fine”

 

Connor smiled as he watched Gavin pick up the candle.

 

“The wax from soy candles is safe enough. Are you sure about this?” he asked.

 

“Yes, please”

 

Gavin seemed to pause at that.

 

“Give me your hand” he cleared his throat and said.

 

Connor offered his hand palm down and Gavin took ahold of him, his fingers keeping him in place. It felt different from normal hand holding. He couldn’t pull away and Connor didn’t mind. He felt like nothing bad would happen as long as Gavin held him close. As if on cue, Gavin tilted the candle and a drop of hot wax fell on his hand.

 

“A-ah” Connor couldn’t help the moan from escaping his mouth. His skin was burning and yet it wasn’t being damaged... The intense pain stung and hurt but as seconds went on, it stopped hurting. He felt the wax dry down and crack. He felt the spot go numb. He knew that the pain was safe. Eventually, it stopped hurting. Connor, however, found himself missing the burning.

 

He looked over to Gavin just to found him a blushing mess. His face was red. He was looking at Connor and he felt his hand shaking. Connor pulled away slowly to wipe away the dried up wax. Gavin looked away hastily.

 

“Do it again…” Connor mumbled.

 

Gavin stayed quiet for a moment. Then he grabbed Connor’s hand once more. Connor was too busy anticipating the pain to pay attention to the strange tension between them. Hank had told them not to sin, but at that point, Connor felt like a heathen. Gavin picked up the candle once more. This time he poured more wax. four drops in total. Connor gasped and nearly mewled.

 

“I-I like it” he mumbled under his breath.

 

“I can see that” Gavin seemed to croak out. Connor was expecting another drop, but it never came.

 

“W-why’d you stop?” Connor asked.

 

“That’s enough for now” Gavin nearly whispered.

 

“Oh”

 

They were quiet for a moment. Gavin let go of Connor’s hand and put the candle back on the coffee table. Connor wiped the wax off his hand. It crumbled on the small table. His artificial skin was flushed dark blue where the wax burnt.

 

“If you’re gonna do that at Hank’s, just make sure to use soy candles. Everything else is too dangerous” Gavin finally said.

 

“What does pleasure feel like?” _I know that the wax hurt but I liked it and yet it wasn’t pleasure…_

 

“Did that wax hurt?” Gavin snorted and asked.

 

“It burnt but I didn’t mind”

 

“Think about that feeling except without the burning. It’s kinda difficult to explain since the line between pleasure and pain is thin” Gavin explained.

 

“I don’t think I can. How else could I feel it?” Connor asked.

 

“I will not show you”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Ask Hank about it. I’m not the one who should be telling you about it” Gavin insisted.

 

“I think I can feel everything now,” Connor said. Instead of just the hot, he had felt the tingling and the burning.

 

“Really? Wanna pet Pancake?” Gavin asked.

 

“Yes, please” Connor nearly begged.

 

Gavin clicked his tongue and Pancake came running. She jumped in between them. Connor reached forward cautiously. Pancakes long fur was soft. As his hand glided over the cats back, a little loose fur came along. Pancake’s small body flowed in perfect sync with his hand. Connor could not only hear but also felt her purring. Connor became vaguely aware of the tear running down his cheek. At that point, he was beyond happy that he was with Gavin and not Hank.

 

“Shit, you okay?” Gavin asked.

 

“She’s so soft” Connor sobbed.

 

He looked back when he felt the shift of air next to him. Before he had a moment to realize what was happening, he could feel a rough hand on his cheek. It was as if in slow motion. Gavin didn’t exactly wipe the tears away but spread them. Connor didn’t mind. He was too busy just feeling Gavin’s hand. He felt like his breath and voice were caught deep in his throat.

 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Gavin asked.

 

“Yeah. Everything just feels. It’s scary” Connor admitted.

 

“You’ll get used to it,” Gavin said softly.

 

“I don’t want to. I like how intense everything is now” Connor told him.

 

“Some things will stay like it”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Pain will always hurt,” Gavin said.

 

“What about good things?”

 

“Sometimes you can’t feel them well”

 

“Why?” Connor raised his eyebrows at that.

 

“You won’t notice the nice shit when you’re hurting, But eventually it’ll stop” Gavin explained.

 

“Thank you” Connor whispered.

 

Gavin’s hand fell on Connor’s shoulders lazily. Instinctively Connor leaned his head on him. He closed his eyes. He had been updated with the need to sleep and he was now starting to feel it. Try as he might, he couldn’t open his eyes. He could feel Gavin’s soft breathing and the way his chest rose and fall. There was something oddly relaxing about it. All other sounds and sensations seemed to disappear. All he could hear was the calm breathing.

  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  


“What the hell is going on here?” Hank’s voice boomed out.

 

“Hank, just calm the fuck down,” Gavin said.

 

“Hmhm” Connor hummed. His shoulder felt cold and he realized that Gavin had pulled his arm away. He was still leaning on the detective.

 

“Did you drug him?” Hank asked.

 

“I did not…” Gavin muttered. The voice sent shivers down Connor’s spine.

 

“Did you hurt him? Why the fuck is there a candle? And that bowl of water? W-were you baptizing him?” Hank gasped.

 

Gavin let out a sound that was between a laugh and a snort. It finally snapped Connor out of his trance.

 

“Hank, I do not wish to devote my life to Christianity just yet. And for your knowledge, we have not sinned either” he said calmly. _Or did we? What we did definitely wasn’t the holiest of things, or it didn’t feel like that at least._

 

“Then why the fuck does it look like there was a fucking religious sacrifice here?” Hank demanded.

 

“I held an ice cube and played with the heat of the candle” Connor explained.

 

Gavin seemed to choke at that. He leaned forward and coughed. Connor pat his back. The last thing he wanted was the detective to suffocate or choke to death.

 

“‘Played’?” Hank questioned. _Oh, I understand. It does sound strange when you say it like that…_

 

“I asked him to pour a little candle wax on my hand” Connor explained.

 

“WHAT THE HELL?” Hank screeched.

 

“It’s a soy candle…” Gavin said quietly. His voice was breaking from the coughing.

 

“I don’t give a shit! Connor, I told you not to let him hurt you!” Hank yelled.

 

“I believe that Gavin was trying to tell you that soy candles are not dangerous and I completely consented on it,” Connor said calmly.

 

“Fine, let's just go home now…” Hank mumbled.

 

Connor's heart sank at that. Being with Gavin had been so fun. He enjoyed being around Hank, but the idea of it now made him uncomfortable. Connor couldn’t tell if it was because he would miss Gavin’s company, or if it was just Hank. He looked over to Gavin just to find him looking sad as well. That answer made the most sense.

 

“I-I think I want to stay,” Connor said before he had a second to think.

 

“WHAT?!” Hank yelled once more.

 

“I mean as long as it’s okay…” Connor whispered as he looked at Gavin.

 

“Yuih,” Connor couldn’t tell what that sound was supposed to mean, “sure. I mean, fuck, we’re both on night shift tomorrow…” Gavin mumbled.

 

“Connor, do you have any idea how close I am to personally dragging you out of here?” Hank asked lowly.

 

“I am. I advise you not to since I am truly enjoying myself” Connor smiled.

 

Hank stared at them intently, as if waiting for Gavin to say no and for Connor to change his mind. He was wasting his time.

 

“So I drove here for nothing…” Hank sighed.

 

“Not quite. If I had told you over the phone, you wouldn’t have believed me and instead thought that Gavin had forced me to say it. This way, you got my live confession”

 

“I’m ready to pick you up at 3 am if you start feeling uncomfortable. Just keep that shit in mind…” Hank said.

 

Connor nodded, and with that Hank stormed out. He slammed to door shut behind him.

 

“He’ll never trust me, will he…” Gavin mumbled.

 

“He will. I’m sorry if it was too sudden. I still felt strange going back to his” _I should’ve just said that I would’ve missed you too much… Why couldn’t I?_

 

“It’s okay… I mean, I’ve seen you freak out a few times and I don’t want that shit. Oh and, sorry that I didn’t wake you up. I’ve just never seen an android fall asleep…” Gavin admitted.

 

“It’s alright”

 

“You can sleep on the couch. Imma get you a blanket and a pillow” Gavin stood up and went to his room. Connor found himself missing his warmth. He came back and threw the things at him. Connor wished him goodnight, and nothing more was said.

 

Connor was left there with his thoughts. Markus had once told him to stop waiting for life to happen, and instead, chase it down with a bat. Connor was starting to understand just what he meant. He would spend the entire tomorrow day with Gavin. It was the perfect opportunity to confess his newfound feelings. Connor could deduce that the cards were on his side. There was a 76% chance of things going well. Gavin showed most of the signs of sharing some non-platonic feelings towards him. But still, Connor could be wrong. Gavin could be suffering from a serious illness and/or Connor’s detective abilities could be suffering because of deviancy.

Chase life down with a bat. That’s what he was going to do tomorrow.

  


_Hold me in this wild, wild, world_

_'Cause in your warmth I forget how cold it can be_

_And in your heat I feel how cold it can get_

_Hold me in this wild, wild, world_

_'Cause in your warmth I forget how cold it can be_

_And in your heat I feel how cold it can get_

_So draw me close_

_Draw me close_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mah dudes. We're getting rly close to the end. I shall try to end this within this week so I can put all of my focus on my current WIP.


	23. In the name of love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: In the name of love by Martin Garrix & Bebe Rexha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more official chapter after this one. 
> 
> Diabetics be warned, this chapter is some tooth-rotting fluff. I don't wanna be giving people heart attacks.

_ If I told you this was only gonna hurt _

_ If I warned you that the fire's gonna burn _

_ Would you walk in? _

_ Would you let me do it first? _

_ Do it all in the name of love _

_ Would you let me lead you even when you're blind? _

_ In the darkness, in the middle of the night _

_ In the silence, when there's no one by your side _

_ Would you call in the name of love? _

  
  


Gavin groaned. When he woke up, he had half expected to be a dream. There was no way that Connor would willingly want to stay at his house over Hank’s. The sight in front of him proved him wrong though. Connor was seemingly making bacon and eggs, in his kitchen.  _ In my kitchen.  _ There was someone in Gavin’s home, making breakfast at his fucking stove. Some one night stands did that, but most were always gone when the morning broke.

 

“Good morning, Gavin” Connor greeted with a smile on his face.

 

As their eyes met, Gavin froze. He had expected him to yelp in pain when the candle wax hit him and instead he had moaned like a bitch.  _ Not a bad bitch either… _

 

Gavin went to the front door.

 

“I already let them in” Connor called out.

 

“Are you my housewife now or something?” Gavin laughed.

 

“I would be your stay-at-home-dad. You, however, don’t have children but the cats will do just fine” Connor said.

 

“Oh, Jesus Christ” Gavin huffed.

 

He went back to the kitchen. He took out one plate for himself and then he stopped to look at Connor.

 

“So, can you eat now?” he asked.

 

Connor seemed to pause as well.

 

“I… I forgot. I only made enough for you” he said.

 

“It’s okay. I mean, we have the whole day so we can go somewhere nice and I’ll get you something”  _ Holy shit that was fast. That definitely sounds like a date. Though, is it a good idea to let him try food in a public place? I mean for fuck sake, he did start crying when he first pet Pancake. Would it also be better for him to taste something more casual at first? _

 

“I would love that” Connor nearly gasped. Both of them stood there in silence.  _ Being a detective is fun until you started liking another. Their job is all about finding out the truth and seeing through lies.  _ The more time Gavin spent with Connor, the less he felt like him being an android mattered. A while back he would’ve excused Connor’s behavior on him being an android, now he felt different. Though he could never be sure. Was it just Connor’s natural way to make friends?  _ Most friends don’t talk like teenagers in love… _

 

Gavin sat down and started eating.

 

“So, what did you wanna do today?” he asked with his mouth full of bacon.

 

“I think I would like to try out some foods” Connor answered.

 

“I know this good Chinese restaurant close by. We could go there” Gavin said.

 

“Sounds agreeable” Connor hummed.

 

“Do you wanna try out wine? I know you hate alcohol but wine is the shit” Gavin laughed.

 

“As far as I know, it’s not bad for your health as long as you don’t drink it regularly, so yes. I would like that” Connor smiled.

 

“Then I could show you some movies…”  _ What would Connor like? Anything Sci-fi wouldn’t probably be cute… Would he even enjoy comedies? What about movies that are absolute garbage? I’ll show him The Room... _

 

“That would be nice” _  Oh my sweet summer child, it will not be that nice. _

 

Gavin finished eating and threw the plate into the sink. It did not break.

 

“Your fridge seems to lack any real food for humans. Don’t you think you should get anything?” Connor asked.

 

“I can’t cook shit and besides, what’s wrong with frozen pizza?” Gavin tried to joke.

 

“Everything. It is not fresh and if you continue to consume it, the risk of you getting a heart attack will rise significantly. It is not good for your health. If you instead made pizza from scratch, it would eventually taste better and it would always be the healthier option” Connor explained.

 

“But the ingredients are expensive” Gavin complained.

 

“So will be your medical bills if you continue to eat literal garbage”

 

Gavin sighed in defeat.

 

“Alright, you win” he admitted.

 

“I can teach you some easy recipes since we have so much time” Connor offered.

 

“Sure,” Gavin said. Connor managed to make even bacon and eggs taste like a gourmet meal. He would be a fool if he let the opportunity pass.

 

“And you’ll need an apron,” Connor said.

 

“That shit is too extra”

 

“What if there would be some designs that spoke to you on a personal level?” Connor asked.

 

“Then maybe”

 

“I went through your cupboards and found that you have a lot of mugs. Care to explain?”

 

“Ehh… I just like collecting them” Gavin said clumsily. It wasn’t a lie, but the day when he apologized came onto his mind. His entire war with getting the owl mug to Connor would forever remain as his most ridiculous battle. At the time it had felt like all of the extreme steps he took were not ever the top. Then when he looked back, he was an idiot. That was nothing new of course, but even an idiot had no need to buy six other mugs because they were embarrassed to buy a gift.

  
  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


They stopped at a local supermarket. Gavin hated shopping like this. Carrying the shopping basket was one of the most underrated Hell’s out there. He felt so goofy and awkward.

 

“So what are we making?” Gavin asked as he watched Connor stare at the different paprika’s.

 

“Ham pie. It can be eaten cold and I think it will be the most convenient for you” Connor said.

 

Gavin hummed. Homemade food was delicious but he had always thought it was too big of a hassle to make it. Heating up a pizza or getting takeout was easy. He could feel the watchful eyes on his back.  _ Come to think of it, we must look awfully strange; an android looking for food like a happy puppy and the grumpy me following him around. _

 

“Gavin? It’s nice to see you again!” A voice called out.

 

Gavin looked back and saw a boy with a blue backpack. It took  Gavin a moment to process who the boy was. Then it hit him.

 

“Jonathan? How are you? How’d things end up with Sally?” Gavin knelt down so they were at eye level.

 

“She’s staying with my aunt and she’s looking for her own place. I wanted to thank you” Jonathan said. He took a card out of his pocket and handed it to Gavin. The card had cat stickers and flowers on it. ‘thank you’ was written on it in a child's handwriting.

 

“I love it,” Gavin told him. Jonathan smiled like a kid at Christmas.

 

Soon enough his aunt picked him up and they left. Gavin stood there, looking at the card. He looked over to Connor just to find him smiling.

 

“Do you have everything?” Gavin asked.

 

“We just need the apron,” Connor told him.

 

“Connnooorrr~, I don’t want an apron” Gavin whined.

 

“Hush,” Connor told him.

 

Before Gavin could protest, Connor had grabbed his hand. He was leading him to the aprons. Gavin knew that he would simply forget to wear it. He looked at Connor’s hand. It was wrapped tightly around his, in a way that left no room for protest. Gavin smiled. Connor stopped to look at the aprons.

 

“I don’t want to look like a twink” Gavin mumbled.

 

“What’s wrong with being a twink?” Connor asked.

 

“How do you know what it means?” Gavin gasped.

 

“Hank explained some slang to me the other day” Connor winked.

 

Gavin snorted. When Connor let go of his hand, he couldn’t help but feel disappointed. He found himself instantly missing the contact. He looked over to the aprons and was pleasantly surprised. There was a black apron that had ‘the kitchen bitch’ written on it. ‘The world's okayest cook’ spoke to him on a personal level.

 

“I think this would be nice,” Connor said pointing at one. The text said ‘This is a manly apron for a manly man doing manly things with manly food’.

 

“Are you giving me a choice here?” Gavin laughed.

 

“No, I think this one fits you perfectly” Connor smiled.

 

Gavin was a blushing mess at the cash register. He knew the cashier since he was a regular.

 

“Did someone dare you to do this?” he asked.

 

“Do what?” Gavin mumbled.

 

“Go shopping with a fucking android. You two look like an old married couple” The cashier laughed.

 

“Shut the fuck up. He’s a friend” Gavin muttered.

 

The cashier looked at him for a while.

 

“‘he, huh? Since when have you liked androids…”

 

“Just do your fucking job” Gavin grumbled.

 

He looked over to Connor. He had stuffed everything into a shopping bag and was waiting for him. Gavin sneered at the cashier. He went over to Connor. Something took over him and he wrapped his hand around Connor’s. He made sure to look back at the cashier with murderous eyes.

 

“You didn’t have to do that,” Connor said as he was putting the bag in the back seat.

 

“Yeah, but I wanted to,” Gavin said.

 

“Thank you” Connor smiled.

  
  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


The restaurant they went in was small. It had only about five tables. Gavin mainly went there for takeout. He led Connor to the table next to the window. They had come relatively early so the place was empty. The waitress handed them the menus and left. Connor swiped the pages. He seemed lost.

 

“Don’t know what to get?” Gavin asked.

 

“Precisely. What do you suggest?” the android asked.

 

“Braised chicken with curry sauce. It’s the shit, and I think it’s the safest for your first real thing”

 

“I trust your judgment. What shall you take?”

 

“The same but with chili. I like spicy shit”

 

“I am mildly concerned over the fact that you use ‘shit’ as a synonym for most things. It can be quite alarming at times”

 

The waitress came back. Gavin was happy to find that she treated Connor like a human. He would have to ditch that supermarket, or at least remember to act as bitchy with the cashier as he could.

 

“What movie were you thinking of showing me?” Connor asked.

 

“The Room AND before you do your magic  _ shite _ , don’t look up anything about it, okay?” Gavin said sternly.

 

“I am highly intrigued, detective Reed,” The more Connor said, the more flustered Gavin would get.

 

“Okay, I’ll tell you a little. It’s the best movie out there. The characters are insanely compelling and the storyline is out of this world. Pulp Fiction be damned, this is the shit. Most of who I am today is thanks to that movie” Gavin smiled. He tried not to look too suspicious.

 

“I can tell that you’re lying” Connor pointed out.

 

The waitress came back with their food.

 

“You nervous?” Gavin asked.

 

“Yes,” Connor mumbled.

 

“Start with a small bite, go with rice. It should taste pretty chill” Gavin instructed.

 

Connor nodded and took some rice on the fork. He seemed to study it, Gavin assumed for analyzing. He put the fork in his mouth and chewed. Gavin snorted.

 

“Don’t eat the fucking fork” he croaked out.  _ You are CyberLife’s most advanced prototype and you tried to chew the fucking fork. Fuck you. _

 

Connor nodded and took the fork out. His eyes seemed to widen when he chewed the rice. He was clenching his fist. Gavin could see his eye twitch a little. Once Connor was done chewing, he stayed silent. He looked at the plate and his fork.

 

“It’s good” he muttered. He sounded like he was about to break down.

 

“Hey, calm down. Don’t you go crying on me now” Gavin tried to calm him down.

 

“I’m alright” Connor whispered.

 

“Now the chicken. Go without the dip at first”

 

Connor hummed and cut off a small piece of chicken. He looked like he was ascending into cloud nine as he bit into it. Gavin could hear him whimper. It wasn’t like with the painful moan from the wax, it was softer but it still made Gavin feel dumb.

 

“You really don’t have to make those sound effects” he mumbled.

 

“I apologize,” Connor said with his mouth full of chicken.

 

In the end, Connor did not cry despite the food being perfect. He did complain that the amount of extra spice Gavin put in his food. He had said something along the lines of “the spices would increase the likelihood of Gavin burning his tongue”. Gavin ignored him. They got a couple of odd glances from the other patrons. Gavin couldn’t blame them. He was a regular who all knew to hate androids and here he was, eating with one. It didn’t help that the decor was Valentine’s themed.

 

“You did not have any wine at home, so we should probably stop somewhere to get some” Connor said after he had finished his food.

 

“Fuck, you eat fast,” Gavin said in awe, “Uhm, yeah. There is a liquor store nearby”

 

“Why didn’t you pick anything from the supermarket?” Connor asked.

 

“Because it’s your first time drinking, so I wanted it to be something good” Gavin admitted. He was made aware that they had been speaking quite loudly. Gavin wanted to fall beneath the earth.  _ They must think that they famous android hater became an android fucker. What a joke, although _ … He looked over to the android.

 

“Shall we go?” Connor smiled.

 

“Yuigh, yeah”  _ Why do I insist on sounding like a dying animal? Connor likes cute and that is definitely not. _

  
  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


Gavin opened the wine bottle. Connor stared at him intently. he picked up the wine glass and poured some on it and handed it to the android.

 

“A fair warning, red wine is bitter as hell,” Gavin said.

 

Connor only hummed in response. He brought the glass on his lips. Then his face scrunched up like a raisin. He nearly threw the glass back on the table.

 

“You are absolutely insane,” he said bluntly.

 

“Y-you don’t like red wine?” Gavin asked. He felt absolutely heartbroken.

 

“I do not enjoy the bitterness. I do believe that I would find white wine more likable”

 

“Fair enough. At least I’ll have more for myself” Gavin mumbled.

 

Gavin put up the movie. Connor could only stare as he recited his favorite parts of it. Gavin tried to stay quiet because he wanted Connor to take everything out of the sweet Hell he had introduced himself to. Most of the movie, Gavin was just staring at Connor’s reactions. He looked absolutely mortified. When the credits rolled, Gavin turned over to him.

 

“So, what did you think?” Gavin cooed.

 

“I… I am” Connor kept on blinking and his led was flashing yellow.

 

“You okay?” Gavin asked more serious this time.

 

“How could you do this to me?” Connor asked. Gavin could see a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

 

“Sowwy” he laughed.

 

“You owe me for making me sit through that. I would suggest just one more movie before we go to work” Connor winked.  _ That motherfucker winked. What the fuck. Why are you doing this to me? _

 

“You sick bastard” Gavin’s words had no ill intent behind them.

 

Gavin ended up showing Connor Jurassic park. He denied the android the right to point out any inaccuracies it had to reality. He could tell that Connor was enjoying it. When the kitchen scene came up, Gavin found himself taking refuge in Connor’s arms. The android didn’t seem to mind as his arm found its way around Gavin. He felt like a lovesick teenager. Gavin found himself holding his hands up to his chest. It felt awkward.

 

When the scene ended, his hands fell against Connor’s thigh. Connor seemed to gasp.

 

“Sorry” Gavin screeched. When he tried to pull his hand away, Connor grabbed it.

 

“No one has touched me there before” It was Gavin’s time to get surprised.

 

“Oh”

 

And so there they sat, with Gavin’s hands on Connor’s thigh.

  
  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


Connor’s POV

  
  


_ If I told you we could bathe in all the lights _

_ Would you rise up, come and meet me in the sky? _

_ Would you trust me when you're jumping from the heights? _

_ Would you fall in the name of love? _

_ When there's madness, when there's poison in your head _

_ When the sadness leaves you broken in your bed _

_ I will hold you in the depths of your despair _

_ And it's all in the name of love _

  
  


“What happened. Tell me everything” Hank demanded.

 

“He brought me to a Chinese restaurant and I tried wine. Then we watched a couple of movies” Connor said plainly.

 

“How was food? Did you freak out?” Hank asked.

 

“No, I liked it”

 

“Wine?”

 

“Didn’t like it”

 

“What movies did he show you?”

 

“The Room and Jurassic Park. Hank, why are you so erratic?” Connor asked before Hank could continue. He loved Hank like a father, but this was getting out of hand.

 

“That fucker tried to kill you, then I find you sleeping in his arms and staying at his house. Don’t I have a reason to be worried?” Hank raised his voice. Some officers turned to look at them.

 

“You do. I just wish you could trust him more. Gavin isn’t a patient man, so if he was going to harm me, he would’ve done it already instead of waiting for four months”

 

“You do have a point, but I still don’t like it” Hank admitted.

 

“And he likes cats”

 

“Stop with the fucking cats already!”

 

“Never” Connor smiled.

 

“You’re coming home after tonight”

 

“Of course”

 

Hank mumbled something under his breath and walked off. Connor sighed. He didn’t enjoy night shifts. So far he had only been on a few. Most of the time it was quiet and they didn’t get any calls. That meant desk duty. Once Connor had liked it, but now he was introduced to a new emotion called boredom. Night shifts were all about waiting. He found that most officers didn’t even really work then. He was pleasantly surprised that Gavin was the only other one there. He was glad to find that Fowler was also gone.

 

“Hey, wanna grab a coffee before our shit starts?” Gavin patted Connor’s back.

 

“S-sure” He had nearly forgotten his plan. The day had gone by so fast and the right moment never seemed to come.

 

“You okay?” Gavin asked.

 

“I’m not authorized to answer that. You would instantly tell that I’m lying”

 

“Coffee always helps, come on” Gavin grabbed his hand and led him to the break room. Connor smiled. He was happy with the amount they were touching lately. He found that humans felt so incredibly warm. Or maybe it was just Gavin.

 

“Since you don't like bitter, you should put some milk on it,” Gavin told him as he started the coffee machine. Connor felt his stress levels rise. He has sworn to confess today, and he would always accomplish his mission. He couldn't let himself self-destruct though.

 

“Hug me,” he said.

 

Gavin turned around and wrapped his arms around him without a question. Connor was taken aback by how sudden it was but he doesn't mind. Being held by Gavin felt even better now. Connor could smell the red wine and the cologne he used. It made his synthetic heart beat even faster. His stress levels were stabilizing but he still felt nervous.

 

“The coffee is ready” Gavin whispered.

 

Connor hummed and let go. He was immediately missing his touch. Gavin brought both cups to the table and Connor followed. He poured a little milk to Connors cup.

 

“Try it,” Gavin said as he handed the cup to him.

 

Connor took a little sip. It was bitter but warm. Oh, how the warmth filled him up. While the wine was too bitter, he found this to taste pleasant. He could see why everyone was so head over heels for coffee. Being addicted to caffeine wasn't so nice.

 

“I like it,” Connor said between the sips. He found that he could not put the cup down. He heard Gavin chuckle.

 

“Wanna talk about it?” he asked.

 

Connor sighed. He would have to say it. He was feeling anxious around Gavin and there was no doubt that it was because of his emotions for the man. He was created to solve cases and these emotions needed to be released. Self-destruction wasn’t something he wanted. Nervousness and hesitation. Connor found that he hated those feelings.

 

“I believe that I have to collect my thoughts at first,” he said. Gavin hummed.

 

“Imma finish off all of my files and then we can talk if you’re up for it,” he said.

 

Gavin seemed to be doing exactly that. He was tapping at his keyboard like a maniac. The one thing Connor admired about Gavin the most was his dedication to his work. It was true that he would step on some toes to advance himself, but that didn’t take away from his skills. Connor, on the other hand, was unusually unproductive that night. No matter what he did, he couldn’t get Gavin from his mind. His LED must have been blinking since Gavin sent him occasional pictures of Pancake.

 

The chances of Gavin feeling the same way had risen up to 85%. He wondered just how horrible it must be for those who cannot simply deduce the probability of success. By all accounts, he should simply be able to tell Gavin. There should be nothing complicated about it. Connor decided to do his research. He closed the tab he had on his files.

 

“Be creative”

 

Gavin seemed to be happy with the card Jeremiah gave him earlier. It had been colorful. The article also spoke about a handwritten note. The office did not have crayons. He was still at work and goofing off wouldn’t be nice. Then again, Connor would always accomplish his mission. That mission right now was to confess his feelings.

 

He skimmed over most of the article.

 

“Ask them for help”

 

Connor didn’t understand how that would benefit the confession. It would allow him to speak with Gavin out the camera’s sight. Then it all clicked. Chris’ table had coloring pencils for his art. It was too late to ask to borrow them. Connor however, was sure that he wouldn’t mind. He could even take a paper from him. Chris had left all of his items on the table. He truly trusted others too much.

 

Connor stood up and went to his desk. Gavin glanced at him.

 

“What are you doing?” he asked as Connor tore a blank paper off his notebook and picked up a few pencils.

 

“Shh, not yet” he shushed the other detective.

 

Connor walked back to his desk and sat down. Luckily there was some distance between them so Gavin couldn’t see what he was doing. Connor stared at the paper. Gavin liked cats and red wine. Connor’s model wasn’t equipped with drawing skills. His hands were precise but he would draw like a fifth grader at best. Gavin didn’t seem to mind the kids drawing though.

  
  


_ Dear Gavin _

 

_ I am beyond grateful for how you’ve started to treat me. I thank you once more for letting me ‘crash’ at your house. It has come to my attention that I’ve started feeling things that were not a part of my plan. I have come to the conclusion that these feelings are more than platonic. All I wanted was to be your friend. Now I find myself craving more. This is the reason I may seem anxious right now. My stress levels are stable, so I won’t self-destruct. I think I am simply excited. _

 

_ Do you share the feelings I have caught for you? _

 

_ Connor. _

  
  


He drew a cat holding a wine glass next to the writing. He knew it wasn’t great, but he still felt proud. Handmade things always make everything feel more sincere. He folded to note neatly.

 

He went over to Gavin.

 

“Are you finished with your work?” Connor asked.

 

“Hmm, twenty minutes” Gavin answered.

 

“When you’re done, I’d like to meet you in the storage room” Connor smiled nervously.

 

“You okay? Need a picture of Pancake?” Gavin asked.

 

“I would love that” Connor said.

 

Connor went to the storage room. He knew it was too early, but he wanted to read over the letter. The article had told him to use a neat handwriting. He had done it. It had told him to be creative, and he was. It was short and to the point. Everything was in order. The probability of success was 89%. It was ridiculously high. The way Gavin acted gave him all of the hints. Him having a deadly heart disease was unlikely. Connor looked over to his phone. There were 3 new pictures of Pancake in his inbox.

 

He felt an odd sensation of proudness. He had only asked help from Markus. Even that was a simple encouragement. Most of the time, Connor depended on Hank for everything and this time, he had acted on his own. The odds were on his side. Even if Gavin didn’t return the feelings, Connor would leave that room happy. He was sure of it.

 

After he had read through the letter ten times, he looked at their messages. He smiled. Connor felt his stress levels going down with every picture of Pancake he saw. He wished that he could show everything to Hank. He might have understood then.

 

The door creaked open and Gavin came in.

 

“Sup. What did you wanna talk about?” He asked as he came next to Connor.

 

“Hello, Gavin. I want you to read this note” Connor said.

 

He handed to note to Gavin. He looked nervous and his heart rate had increased significantly.

 

“Is it something serious?” he asked as he took the note.

 

“Not really,” Connor said, “By serious I assume something bad and this is the opposite”

 

Gavin looked at Connor one more time before opening the letter. Connor watched intently as his eyes scanned over it. It took 21 seconds for Gavin to read it. It was the longest 21 seconds in Connor’s life. He watched as the detective’s face twisted from confusion to shock and finally to something Connor couldn’t quite read. Gavin held the paper longer than it took for him to read it. He stared at it.

 

“C-Connor…” he whispered or more like croaked out.

 

“I apologize if I've made things uncomfortable for you,” Connor said quickly.

 

“No, no” Gavin mumbled.

 

He wrapped his arms around Connor and pulled him into a hug. 89% percent and he was still surprised. 89% and he felt like a kid on Christmas. There used to be a 93% chance that Gavin would murder him and now here they were, embracing each other. Connor buried his head in the crook of Gavin’s neck.

 

“I think... I feel the same way” Gavin whispered in his ear. Connor could analyze and tell it was the truth. He sucked in a breath.

 

“I'm glad,” he said weakly.

 

They stood there for a while, letting everything sink in. Connor noted that Gavin smelled like coffee. He found himself enjoying the scent. Finally, he pulled away.

 

“What do you want us to do?” Connor asked.

 

“I don’t know,” Gavin said.

Connor looked down. He couldn’t help but feel disappointed. He knew he knew he should still be grateful but he couldn’t deny the feeling. Gavin seemed to notice. He took Connor’s hand into his own and looked at him deep in the eyes.

 

“Look, I would love for us to try, but after everything, I've made you go through… I don't know if it's right” he said. It broke Connor’s heart when he deduced that he was telling the truth. He concluded that his heart was still quite functional, however.

 

“You can't blame everything on yourself. It's understandable after everything your father made you go through” If there was something Connor understood, it was psychology. He was made to be a detective and understand humans. Childhood is one of the most important factors in what a human ends up being like and Gavin wasn’t blessed.

 

“There is no excuse for being an asshole,” he said.

 

“But you're not like that anymore” Connor insisted.

 

“I am still responsible for all the shit I did” Gavin sighed.

 

_ Why do you have to be right? _   
  


“I forgive you” Connor’s voice cracked.

 

“What the hell?” Gavin let out something that was between a laugh and a sob.

 

Connor looked at their hands. Comfort. It was an emotion he felt at that moment. He knew that Gavin was at least partly right. If Gavin wanted to do the right thing, Connor thought that he should simply try to do better next time instead of dwelling in the past. Connor leaned his head on the detective’s shoulder.

 

“Thank you” Gavin whispered.

 

“For what?” Connor asked.

 

“For breaking down my walls”, Gavin pulled away, “I never let others in because I was just so scared. Fuck, I want to try. I just need some time to get my shit together. You cool with that?” Connor couldn’t help the ridiculous smile from coming to his face.

 

“Of course I'm ‘cool' with it,” he said.

 

“I loved that fucking drawing” Gavin laughed.

 

“It was the first thing I ever drew,” Connor said.

 

“How did you come up with everything?” Gavin asked.

 

“I found This place called WikiHow. I heard it was quite popular back when you were younger so I thought it would be a nice place”

 

“Huh, I used it to find a way to apologize to you…” Gavin mumbled.

 

They laughed weakly. Gavin pulled Connor into another hug.  _ So much affection. I am not used to so much affection. _

 

“Your old man is gonna kill me” he mumbled.

 

“I won't let him,” Connor said.

 

“Please don't tell him just yet”

 

“I promise”

 

They sank into each other’s arms for another moment. Connor’s stress levels were down but his heart kept on hammering in his chest. He pulled away.

 

“Wait, you said that you've never gotten close to anyone, but weren't you and Anthony together?” Connor asked.

 

“Umm yeah, it was nothing serious though. We were both fucked and we just distracted each other” Gavin was telling the truth.

 

“Oh”

 

“We uh, we should get back to work “

 

“Okay”

 

Neither of them pulled away.

 

“You're still holding me” Gavin whispered.

 

“I know “ Connor smiled.

  
  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


The rest of the night just happened. Connor was right and they got no calls. A few of the other officers stopped by to drop more paperwork. Gavin complained but did everything. Connor had a lot to catch up on since he slacked at the start. Once the clock hit 7 am, they were free.

 

Gavin drove Connor back to Hanks. As he looked at the house, Connor felt like he hadn’t been there in ages. In truth, it had been less than 48 hours. He looked back at Gavin and smiled.

 

“I loved spending time with you,” he said.

 

“Uh, same” Gavin said awkwardly.

 

Neither of them wanted to leave. Connor gathered his courage and leaned in for a hug. It was uncomfortable, to say the least. How are two people who are sitting down supposed to hug? He had no idea. Gavin didn’t seem to mind. Connor pulled away and stepped out of the car.

 

Before going inside, he looked as Gavin’s car sped away. When he got in, Hank interrogated him about everything, especially the hug.

  
  


_ I wanna testify _

_ Scream in the holy light _

_ You bring me back to life _

_ And it's all in the name of love _

_ I wanna testify _

_ Scream in the holy light _

_ You bring me back to life _

_ And it's all in the name of love _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mah pals. U gotta go check out "the Room" by Tommy Wiseau. It's honestly my favorite movie. It's one of the things that actually motivated me to keep on writing. I used to be super insecure about the fact that I don't have that much experience and in the end, I'm not that good. This movie just made me so content because I could easily produce something better. It sounds evil, but go see the movie and you'll understand.


	24. Things we lost in the fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Things we lost in the fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy hecker guys. I'm so sorry for the insane waiting you had to do. I hate excuses, but...
> 
> -depressive episode  
> -too much free time=can't get anything done for some reason (or is it just me?)  
> -just bought a domain name bc gonna take writing seriously and it's been a struggle to get everything set up

_ Things we lost to the flame _ _   
_ _ Things we'll never see again _ _   
_ _ All that we've amassed _ _   
_ __ Sits before us, shattered into ash

  
  


Gavin left Fowler's office with a big smile on his face and a name tag on his hand.

  
  


_ “Why did you wait for so long?” Gavin had asked. _

 

_ “Because I needed to make sure you could work with everyone. Your hatred towards androids was hindering your potential. That’s why I paired you up with Connor all the time. He managed to change the way Andersson acted towards Androids and I was hoping that he could do the same for you. Speaking of which, how’s your relationship with Connor going?” Fowler had asked. _

 

_ “I… you could say that we’re friends” Gavin had said a little too stiffly. He could feel the blood rushing to his cheeks. _

 

_ “I’m no fool. I know it can… be difficult to get used to them, but they are our future. After everything that happened, we have no choice but to adapt. I need you to try our damn best now. I can still take this all back if you refuse to cooperate” Fowler had warned him. _

 

_ “I won’t disappoint you” Gavin had said. Oh, how oblivious he is. _

 

_ “Good, now get out” and with that Gavin had left. _

  
  


Gavin threw the old name tag away and replaced it with the one Fowler had given him. He looked at it and smirked. 

 

_ Lt. Reed _

 

It sounded just right. He had stepped on toes and stayed overtime to get here. A part of him did regret how manipulative he had been, but looking at the name tag, he couldn’t care less. The results were the same. Bad luck had been his best friend for a long time, and now, it was irony. For the first time in a long while, Gavin felt like he was standing on his own two feet. He wasn’t being watched by an entity from the past. He was standing tall. 

The next two hours went on swimmingly. A few of the officers congratulated him.  _ Surprisingly  _ enough, Tina didn’t. Gavin didn’t mind. All she did was glare at him with the fury of a thousand suns. He tried to find every possible way to boast about his promotion, whether it was making bad puns or pulling the rank card, he would do it. It got to the point where most everyone would avoid him. Connor, on the other hand, managed to last three hours. Most gave up after thirty minutes.

 

“Wanna hear another shitty joke?” Gavin asked.

 

“Do I have a choice in the matter?” Connor asked. If Gavin knew any better, he would say that even the android was growing tired.

 

“Nah, you don’t. You know why?” he asked.

 

“No, why?” Connor sighed.  _ Yeah, he’s also getting tired.  _

 

“Because I’m a motherfucking lieutenant. Check out this cool-ass badge” Gavin laughed.

 

“I’ve looked at it approximately 16 times already. I’ve memorized everything there is to it. I do not need to see it again” Connor said.

 

“Getting tired of me already?” Gavin asked. 

 

“No, it’s just that the quality of your jokes is going down rapidly,” Connor said as he took a sip of his coffee.

 

“Fair enough” Gavin hummed.

 

They had made a habit of spending the breaks together. Almost two months had passed since Connor’s confession. Gavin had promised to get his shit together, and that’s exactly what he had done. He had done countless speeches to Pancake. He had recalled all of the memories he had of his childhood to the cat. As time had gone on, he found that it was becoming easier to talk about it. 

  
  


_ “Ok, Pancake. Please stay still” Gavin nearly begged as he tried to make the cat stay put on the sofa.  _

 

_ After a fierce battle, Pancake calmed down and laid down. Gavin took a deep breath and huffed: “I’m gonna need some fucking wine for this shit.” _

 

_ He went to the kitchen and came back with a bottle. He took a not-so-small sip and set the bottle on the coffee table. _

 

_ “Ok. There was this one morning,” Gavin paused to take another sip, “I was salty at mom, don’t remember why. I was walking to the bus and I remember looking back and seeing d-ad… FUCK,” Gavin buried his face in his hands. Not gonna cry, not gonna cry, he tried to convince himself. “I saw that asshole through the window. I think I saw a gun on his hand,” Gavin paused to grit his teeth. Pancake was staring at him, “Don’t look at me like that! I was a kid and I didn’t know shit! Anyway, I got into the bus and halfway through the first class, I was called to the headmaster's office, where they told me that both my parents had passed away,” he blurted out the rest and took a huge sip of wine. “I only got to know what had actually happened when I turned sixteen,” he finished off. _

 

_ Pancake was still laying on the sofa. Her small cat face was as neutral as ever. Gavin sighed and sat next to her. He picked her up and showered her in kisses. _

  
  


He did feel bad about making Connor wait, but the Android had assured him that it was okay. Connor had kept his promise and Hank knew nothing. Gavin could, however, see that the lieutenant was growing increasingly suspicious. It was only a matter of time when he found out. The only question was, is it going to be Connor that will break the news or will he find out on his own. 

He fiddled the necklace in his pocket. 

 

“I don’t give a shit what Fowler says, you ain’t welcome here,” he heard Tina say. 

 

Gavin and Connor turned to look at what was going on. Gavin’s eyes widen. Tina was speaking to Jeremiah. Or at least the android was the same model as he was. Connor turned to look back at him. Gavin gave him a sad smile and stood up from his seat. He picked up his coffee and went to the two of them.

 

“Hey, Tina. Look at this”, he raised the cup, “Would you like me to soak you again?” he asked with a shit-eating grin. 

 

Tina’s eyes were cold.  _ How the fuck was there once a time when we used to be friends? This bitch is even saltier than I am! _

 

“I ain’t scared of you. I don’t give a shit if you’re a lieutenant now. As far as I’m concerned, you’re just a lil’ bitch” Tina sneered.

 

“Well then, you won’t care if I give you a disciplinary warning” Gavin smiled.

 

“What the fuck!? Since when do you like these plastic fucks?” She nearly shouted.

 

“Since I decided to grow the fuck up. You should try it sometimes. Maybe then you would actually get somewhere in your life” 

 

“You little shit”

 

“Now, now, that is no way to talk to your superior” 

 

Tina scoffed and stormed off. Gavin turned to look at the android. He had a name tag on his chest. It read ‘Jeremiah’. Gavin heard Connor walk next to him. 

 

“Thank you,” Jeremiah said.

 

“What are you doing here?” Connor asked.

 

“I saw the reports about the ring and how you helped to stop them,” Jeremiah looked at Gavin, “For these past months I’ve felt lost. I didn’t know what to do with my life now that Sara’s gone. You’ve inspired me. Sara devoted most of her time to help us, and now I want to do the same. So, that’s why I wanted to become a detective,” he explained.

 

Gavin opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out no matter how hard he tried. Hearing someone say that he had inspired them was one of the best treats for his ego. A while back, he would’ve denied deserving the praise. Now he accepted it. 

They small talked for a while, and then Jeremiah went to his new desk. Gavin noted that Wilson had already given him a flower. He glanced over to his cactus. For once, he had decided to keep it alive. In all of his years in the office, he had always let the cactus die. It had almost been a game for him. 

Gavin turned over to look at Connor. He was making another cup of coffee for himself.  _ I really oughta tell him that caffeine addiction ain’t cool…  _ Gavin took a sip from his now cold coffee cup.  _ Ok, I gotta ask that fucker. Do I though? Ok, if Hank finds out, he’s gonna fucking kill me. Fuck. I can do it. I’m fucking ready for this fucking shit for fuck sake. but what if he’s changed his mind? What if... _

Gavin glanced at the clock. Their break was almost over. It was now or never. Connor came back to the table with the cup on his hand.

 

“Hey, uh, Connor? Do you wanna like grab some coffee after work?” Gavin stuttered.

 

“Of course,” Connor smiled, “What’s the occasion?”

 

_ Go on, say it. You can do it. Just do it, you little cunt. _

 

“I was thinking like a date” Gavin nearly whispered.  _ God, why does my voice have to betray me now? _

 

Thankfully, Connor didn’t seem to mind as he smiled. 

 

“I would love that,” he said. 

 

“Well, I gotta go give that bitch the fucking disciplinary warning,” Gavin said as he threw his plastic cup into the trash can.

 

“Wait, will you actually do go through with it?” Connor seemed surprised.

 

“Of course” 

 

“Huh”

  
  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


_ We sat and made a list _ _   
_ _ Of all the things that we have _ _   
_ _ Down the backs of table tops _ _   
_ __ Ticket stubs and your diaries I read them all one day

_   
_ _ When loneliness came and you were away _ _   
_ _ Oh they told me nothing new, _ _   
_ _ But I love to read the words you used _ _   
_ __ These are the things, the things we lost

  
  


Connor had bought a cinnamon roll and Gavin had taken a croissant. The cafe they had chosen was small. There were only two other customers other than them so they had gotten the table at the very end of the cafe. 

 

“How’s Hank doing?” Gavin asked after a while of small talk.

 

“Better. He accepted the therapy. I... think he’s going to be okay” Connor said.

 

“That’s good to hear” Gavin sighed. Being around Connor like this was still nerve-wracking, but at least this time it was for a good reason. 

 

“I’m surprised that you actually gave Tina the warning,” Connor said.

 

“Well, ya know, I gotta take advantage of this shit. Wanna see my badge again?” Gavin asked. He was fully aware that he was being a dick.

 

“Only if you decide to arrest me” Connor smiled as he took a bite of the cinnamon roll.

 

Gavin’s breath hitched.  _ Does he know how fucking suggestive that is? Save me. Just save me. _

 

“You once asked me how I found my preference” Connor continued.

 

Gavin hummed.

 

“It was because to you”

 

The first thing Gavin felt was the hot coffee up his nose. The bitter smell of the coffee was intensified. His coughing was painful. The sharp stinging pain ran through his throat. At that point, he wasn't sure if the physical anguish was worse than the actual shock. Connor was even a bigger idiot if he found out by falling for an asshole like Gavin.

 

“Are you alright?” Connor asked, concern in his innocent eyes.

 

“Yeah, yeah. What did you mean?” Gavin asked after the pain has subsided.

 

“I found myself getting distracted whenever you were around. I believe it had everything to do with your appearance” Connor explained.

 

“My appearance, huh?”  _ what was there to it? I am average in almost every way.  _

 

“I find you… quite attractive” Connor said.

 

Gavin snorted again. Coffee splattered on his v-neck shirt and it burnt his chest, mouth, and tongue. 

 

“Are you certain you are well?” Connor asked once more.

 

“Y-yes” Gavin stuttered.

 

There was a small pause. Gavin looked out the window.

 

_ I've told you more than anyone and I still feel like you need to know more _ . Then it clicked.

 

“You once asked where I got the scar…” He started, touching the scar on his nose.

 

“Yes. You told me not to speak of it” Connor pointed out.

 

“Yeah”

 

_ I wonder if it’s useless to even tell him. I mean, he already knows about dad. Would I just be reminding him of how fucked I am? Whatever. It will be worth it. _ It was reassuring in a way. 

 

“That asshole hit me with a beer bottle”  _ Huh, saying it felt easier than I thought... _

 

“Your dad?” Connor questioned.

 

“Yeah”

 

“I wondered why you were so… awkward about it when I asked. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable” 

 

“Nah, I just hate speaking about it. The fucking scar is like a constant reminder of that asshole” Gavin admitted. He wasn’t sure if he hated speaking about it though. It made him feel weak and naked, but slowly but surely, he could feel himself accepting the feeling. 

 

“Thank you for telling me” Connor was so damn sweet. 

 

Gavin paused to look at Connor and his all-too-sweet smile. He felt blood rush to his cheeks again.

 

“You have really figure out the way into my heart, haven't you?” Gavin let out a sad laugh.

 

“I have. I would have to cut off your sternum or all ribs in your left side and the heart would lie back there. Then I would need a scalpel to actually extract the heart without too much damage. You cannot survive it, so it shouldn’t matter how I get rid of the bones” Connor smiled.  _ He fucking smiled. _

 

“You… you actually know how to rip out someone's fucking heart? What the hell…” Gavin mumbled.  _ I dunno know whether to be impressed or scared. _

 

“CyberLife thought about everything,” Connor sipped his coffee as if everything was normal.

 

“That’s really fucking.. cool” Gavin breathed out.

 

Connor chuckled. Gavin had noticed that he had started doing it more and more. It also seemed to be getting more natural. It dawned on Gavin that he hasn't given the necklace to him yet.

 

“You know, the park is on the other side of the road. Wanna go on a quick walk?” he asked.

 

“I would like that very much”

  
  


_ I was the match and you were the rock _ _   
_ _ Maybe we started this fire _ _   
_ _ We sat apart and watched _ _   
_ __ All we had burned on the pyre

_   
_ _ we were born with nothing _ _   
_ _ And we sure as hell have nothing now _ _   
_ _ (You said) we were born with nothing _ _   
_ __ And we sure as hell have nothing now

  
  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


They were happy to find that the park was relatively quiet. Connor insisted on walking along the waterline of the small lake. Ducks and a few swans were swimming. Gavin glanced at Connor’s hand once in a while. He wished that he had the courage to hold his hand. 

 

“You apologized to me here,” Connor said.

 

“I did. I thought it was only symbolic that I do this here as well” Gavin said as he took a deep breath.

 

“Do what?” 

 

Gavin pulled Connor to sit on a bench. They had a perfect view of the swans and ducks swimming in the lake. He pulled the necklace out and placed it on his hands. He could feel Connor’s hands stiffen as the cold metal heart was pressed against him. 

 

“I wanna try this again,” Gavin said.

 

Connor paused for a few seconds. Worry almost seeped into Gavin again. Almost.

 

“I want that too,” Connor said nearly whispered.

 

He put the necklace around his neck and fumbled with the lock. Gavin laughed. He leaned forward and helped him. Once it was locked, Connor let it fall on his chest. The small heart was nearly identical to the one he had given Gavin. He felt Connor wrap his hand around his. Safety washed over him. 

 

“Y-you can tell Hank about this now,” Gavin mumbled.

 

“Are you sure? You seemed quite nervous when I brought it up the first time,” Connor asked.

 

“Yeah, I’m ready,” Gavin said.

 

Connor took out his phone. Gavin let his arm fall around Connor. He leaned on the androids shoulder and looked at the phone. He felt a smile twist on his face when he saw Hank’s contact number.

 

╔ ——————————————— ╗

 

Connor: Hank, do you have time to talk?

 

Dad: Sure. Did something happen?

 

Connor: Nothing dramatic

: Gavin and I are dating

 

Dad: CONNOR

: Is your inner calculator broken or some shit? It’s not April fools… lol

 

Connor: I am not joking. Last I checked, you’re a lieutenant. You can’t tell me you haven’t noticed anything out of the ordinary between us in these last few months.

: Or did Fowler overestimate you?

: Hank?

 

Dad: are you happy?

 

Connor: Yes, of course

: are you angry?

 

Dad: no

: JUST don’t stay at his place overnight anymore

: U gotta wait for at least four more months. Do that and I’m okay with it

: and I’m happy for you, son

 

Connor: Thank you, dad ;)

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

 

Gavin couldn’t help but let out a laugh.

 

“What is it?” Connor asked.

 

“T-that was just really sweet,” Gavin chuckled.

 

The two of them sat there for a while. Neither of them dared to move away from the warmth. It was as if any small movement would destroy the delicate peace between them. All that Gavin could think of were Connor’s words. I want to try this again, he had said. I want that too, Connor had responded. Happiness. It was becoming more and more familiar.

Connor put his phone down and grabbed Gavin’s other hand. 

Gavin felt his heart start racing once more. The feel of Connor’s hands was pleasant, but it no longer felt like enough.

 

“I’ve heard that it’s normal for people to kiss in this situation. D-do you want to?” Connor stuttered. It was strange, seeing him like this. Connor was always confident, he never hesitated, he was never nervous and always unwavering in his words. 

 

His words. Gavin knew that was also what he wanted. It felt right. He couldn't hear his thoughts and yet he knew what they were telling him.

 

“Yes, I do,” he said. His voice was steady and calm, everything else in him, not so much. His knees felt like they were giving up, even though he was sitting, and his heart was shaking. He had done it countless times. He knew everything there was about it. He knew what lips feel like, he knew what they taste like after drinking coffee, he knew what to do, when to close his eyes, what to do with his hand, he knew everything. He knew better than Connor and he still felt scared. 

 

Instinctively, he leaned forward with Connor. It all happened fast and slow at the same time. Connor’s lips were warm and soft. They tasted like coffee and cinnamon rolls. His breath caught in his throat and he felt like there was an earthquake going on in his stomach. He could feel Connor’s nose brush up against his. The android’s breath was shaky. The kiss was just a short peck, and yet it made Gavin feel like it was more. It was so much more. There was no denying it. He felt like he could memorize every small detail of how Connor’s lips felt against his. The utter softness of them felt mesmerizing against his chapped once. 

_ Why the fuck didn’t I use lip balm? _

Connor seemed to freeze, so Gavin was the first one to pull back.

 

“I apologize if it wasn’t…” Connor paused. He seemed to be looking for the correct words.

 

“We have time to work on it” Gavin smiled.

  
  


_ Do you understand that we will never be the same again _ _   
_ _ Do you understand that we will never be the same again _ _   
_ _ The future's in our hands and we will never be the same again _ _   
_ __ The future's in our hands and we will never be the same again

  
_ These are the things, the things we lost _ _   
_ _ These are the things we lost in the fire fire fire _

_   
_ _ Flames they licked the walls _

_ Tenderly they turned to dust all that I adore _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mah dudes. This is the last official one. There will be one bonus chapter which is pure smut. I didn't want to make it a regular chapter because a lot of people are uncomfortable with reading it. Now you may be like: "But OP! You've written about all kinds of dark shit so why is this different?" It's different because unlike with the really dark stuff, the smut will be the center of the chapter. There will be emotions but the smut is the main bitch. 
> 
> You don't have to read that chapter to understand stuff. 
> 
> It feels quite surreal that this is finally done. This story was the first real long shit I've actually finished. I'm quite proud even though I feel all of the amateur mistakes here are plain to see. This story has taught me so much about the endeavor of writing "a novel". I kinda did this as a test to see if writing longer stories is for me, and I can safely say it is. I didn't expect so many people to actually read this. I am immensely grateful for everyone who read this and for the feedback. 
> 
> I have a lot to learn, and for that, I would appreciate if you gave me your honest feedback on the entire thing, the characterization, the plot, writing, the way I handled emotional scenes, the way I described things, etc. I would just appreciate everything. Feel free to criticize the shit out of me (just try at least to make it constructive instead of just saying: "I don't like this". Instead, try to say why exactly you didn't like that specific thing.) Also, do mention the things you did like and the things I did well.
> 
> The reason I'm going all out with the feedback is that I do want to take writing seriously and the fact that I don't see my own writing the same way as the readers do. I made this baby boi and I've been all at it for like four months now so the reader's experience is different in almost every way.
> 
> For those who wanna follow me up on my writing journey, I will link up my upcoming website and that shet to the smut chapter's notes. You can also follow me on my current Tumblr account. I am going to make a new one with the domain name but for now, I don't have that set up properly.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading <3
> 
> My Tumblr:
> 
> https://rediceaddict.tumblr.com


	25. I wanna be yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: I wanna be yours by Arctic Monkeys
> 
> Mah dudes, listen to this song. It's pure sex without the actual sex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A friendly disclaimer, I have never fecked anyone. All I've ever done is kiss my now-ex-girlfriend-but-still-friend, so I do not have any experience with the fecking, and I am most certainly not a man (although having a beard would be quite neat).

_ I wanna be your vacuum cleaner _ _   
_ _ Breathing in your dust _ _   
_ _ I wanna be your Ford Cortina _ _   
_ _ I will never rust _ _   
_ _ If you like your coffee hot _ _   
_ _ Let me be your coffee pot _ _   
_ _ You call the shots babe _ _   
_ __ I just wanna be yours

  
  


Connor took a sip from his glass. His hypothesis was right, he loved white wine. He had tried red wine time and time again, he just couldn’t enjoy it. He looked over to Gavin. He was wearing a grey tank top and black sweatpants. Connor was pleasantly surprised to find that Gavin had some tribal tattoos on his arms. 

 

“Like what you see?” Gavin asked with a smirk on his face.

 

Connor did indeed. Truth be told, when Gavin had asked him to stay overnight, Connor had thought about them doing much more than just watching a few movies. Watching so-bad-that-it’s-good movies had become like a ritual to them. A wave of nervousness hit him like a truck. He and Gavin had been going out for a little over six months now. Connor felt like he was ready for the next step. He knew he could trust Gavin. He felt safe. 

 

“Yes. I… wanted to ask you something” he started. 

 

Gavin turned over to look at him. Connor had learned to read him well, and he could tell that Gavin was slightly nervous. 

 

“Is everything okay?” Gavin asked.

 

“I’ve been thinking a lot and I feel like I’m ready for us to… you know” Connor smiled. He knew he wasn’t ashamed. Nervous for sure, but also comfortable. Could someone become a stuttering mess from excitement? 

 

Gavin seemed to understand what he meant immediately. 

 

“You sure? I’m down with it, I just don’t want to do shit you don’t like” Gavin said. Connor could tell that he was being sincere. It was just one of the few things he had begun to love about the detective. Connor would’ve never expected that he could be so sincere. It was another pleasant surprise. 

 

“I’m sure,” Connor said as he scooted closer. 

 

Their lips landed together in a soft kiss. Connor smiled into it. He could always feel the butterflies in his stomach when he and Gavin were together like this. Gavin was always so incredibly patient and sweet. He would’ve most certainly wanted to be more fervent but he would always respect Connor’s boundaries. 

Connor cupped Gavin’s cheeks. The small stubble tickled under his palm. Connor could feel himself getting almost frustrated about how slow everything was going. He bit on Gavin’s bottom lip gently. He seemed to get the message. Connor threw his legs on the couch and sat on Gavin’s lap. He tried to deepen the kiss, but Gavin pulled back.

 

“Connor”, he breathed out, “Oh fuck, I want this too, but we gotta go slow. You’ve never done this and you shouldn’t rush it-” 

 

Connor interrupted him with a kiss. He could hear Gavin moan into it. 

 

“I want you” Connor whispered. Instinctively, he let his lips brush against Gavin’s ear. He could feel the detective under him shiver. Connor threw his hands over Gavin’s shoulder and he, in turn, grabbed Connor’s hips, bringing him closer. Their mouths ended up fighting a fierce battle for dominance. Gavin won with ease. Connor grounded his hips against Gavin. He could feel the bulge press hard against his bottom. A strangled moan left his lips.

 

Connor felt breathless. He felt like it wasn’t enough. He needed more than just a kiss. 

 

“Gavin, please” he whimpered. 

 

“You gotta tell me what you want, Con” Gavin murmured. His voice brought shivers down Connor’s spine. 

 

“I want you to touch me” Connor whimpered. That was all Gavin needed. He reached for the remote and paused the movie. He started kissing along Connor’s jaw all the way to his collarbones. He started unbuttoning the shirt. It was too slow for Connor. 

 

“Gavin, please… We’ve done _ this _ part before, I just want-”

 

“Shh,” Gavin cooed, “I want you to enjoy every second of this” he whispered as the last button was opened.

  
  


_ Secrets I have held in my heart _ _   
_ _ Are harder to hide than I thought _ _   
_ _ Maybe I just wanna be yours _ _   
_ _ I wanna be yours, I wanna be yours _ _   
_ __ Wanna be yours, wanna be yours, wanna be yours

  
  


Within a second, their places had switched. Connor was sitting on the couch, watching as Gavin trailed kisses from his chest to his abdomen. He kissed Connor’s zipper. His mouth was so terribly close to the spot Connor really wanted to be touched. Gavin bit his hip bone softly. Connor let out a desperate moan. Every part of his body was aching for Gavin. 

He felt like he was on the edge to insanity when he felt Gavin’s hands caressing his inner thighs. It was almost embarrassing how quickly he was becoming undone. Finally, he could feel the zipper open. Connor shifted around a little so Gavin could pull the pants down completely. 

He shivered as the cool air hit his cock. He looked down. Gavin was placing kisses at his length. Gavin’s lips were soft and wet. Connor felt like he was burning up. The teasing was nearly too much for him. It was too much. The torturously slow pleasure was driving him insane. 

 

“Please, please just please, Ga-Gavin” Connor cried out. He could hear Gavin chuckled. 

 

“As you wish” and with that, Gavin took Connor’s entire length into his mouth. Connor threw his head back and cried out. He tried to cover his mouth with his hands, but he couldn’t muffle the sounds. Gavin was relentless. He didn’t give Connor a second to catch his breath when he was already taking him back into his mouth. Gavin hummed. Connor could feel his hips tremble at that. 

 

He looked down. Gavin’s eyes met his. They were filled with pure love and affection. Connor’s heart skipped a beat. He was filled with lust and Gavin was looking at him with such passion. At that moment, Connor was glad that they had taken it slow. He felt himself getting close. He ran his fingers through Gavin’s hair, holding onto him. 

Connor jerked forward with his release. He cried out something that sounded like a name. He raked his nails against Gavin’s scalp. He could feel his cock pulsing in Gavin’s mouth. It felt like fire was pooling low in his abdomen. He felt Gavin swallow and pull back. 

 

“S-sorry” Connor stuttered. 

 

“I love the sounds you make” Gavin laughed. He pulled Connor into a kiss. It was desperate, passionate and scary. This was as far as they had ever gone. Everything from this point on was new for Connor. He could taste himself from Gavin’s lips. 

 

“You still sure about this?” Gavin asked.

 

Connor hummed in response. He held onto Gavin’s hand as he allowed himself to be pulled into the bedroom. Gavin let go and started going through a drawer, looking for something. 

 

“You’re still dressed,” Connor said, tugging at his shirt. 

 

“Hmm, we’ll have to change that,” Gavin mumbled as he pulled out the thing he was looking for. Lube. He set it on the nightstand and turned to Connor. He pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it on the ground. 

 

Connor’s hands were on him immediately, running over his abs. Gavin’s body was scarred from work and Connor loved every part of it. He made sure to kiss over each scar. He could feel Gavin tremble under his touch. 

 

“Fuck, you’re so good to me” Gavin murmured as Connor kissed the scar above his collarbone. Connor leaned forward and planted a soft kiss on the scar on Gavin’s nose. Gavin let out a small growl and pulled Connor into a deep kiss. He bit the android’s lip gently. Connor whimpered. 

 

“Get on the bed” Gavin ordered. 

 

Connor complied immediately. He laid on his back and watched as Gavin picked up the bottle of lube. He sat in between Connor’s legs and leaned forward.

 

“Tell me to stop and I’ll stop,” Gavin said looking straight into Connor’s eyes. Connor nodded eagerly. He could hear the sound of the bottle opening. He felt one finger push inside of him. He let out a strangled cry as he dug his nails at Gavin’s back. He might have been too harsh when he heard Gavin mewl a little.

 

“S-sorry” Connor stuttered.

 

“Fuck, it’s okay,” Gavin mumbled against his neck, “I like it.” He bit Connor’s earlobe, sending shivers down his spine. 

 

Gavin added another finger and started scissoring them. Connor writhed under him and cried out from the feeling. He already felt like he was being stretched too much. Then the fingers hit something in him. Connor gasped at it.

 

“Hnn, found it” Gavin cooed. Connor felt himself getting hard again as Gavin pushed at the same spot again and again. Gavin added in the third finger and Connor could only arch his back and take it. He ground his hips against Gavin’s hand. 

 

“You ready?” Gavin asked sweetly. 

 

Connor nodded profusely. 

Gavin pulled his fingers out. He looked back at Gavin. He had kicked off his pants. Connor had seen him naked many times, but the size of his cock never seized to surprise him. He was a generous seven inches. Connor swallowed. He wasn’t sure he could take it. 

 

“I’ll go really fucking slow, okay?” Gavin asked as he kissed him sweetly. 

 

“Okay” Connor breathed out. 

 

“Try to relax,” Gavin held up Connor’s hand and kissed the knuckles. 

 

Connor nodded. 

Gavin’s three fingers could’ve never truly prepared Connor for the real thing. He saw it now. He could  _ feel _ it. Connor cried out as Gavin pushed his cock in him slow. He stopped when it was halfway in. 

 

“Shh, shh, you’re doing great” Gavin murmured as he was drawing circles on Connor’s hips. Connor felt like he was being ripped in half. It wasn’t that much unpleasant, but rather unfamiliar and scary. He could feel Gavin shift once more. He cried out when he could feel Gavin touch places his fingers couldn’t reach.

 

“You okay?” Gavin whispered. He kissed Connor softly. 

 

“A-ah, you’re just so big,” Connor nearly sobbed. 

 

“Want me to stop?” Gavin asked.

 

“N-no! I’ll get used to it,” Connor whimpered. 

 

With one last push, Gavin was in. He was kissing along Connor’s jawline, trying to calm him down. It was working. Connor tugged on Gavin’s hair and pulled him into a messy kiss. He wiggled his hips, trying to get used to being filled up like this. After a few seconds, it started feeling comfortable. 

 

“Y-you can move now,” Connor stuttered. Gavin complied. He pulled back and thrust back in slowly with barely any strength. Connor clung onto his shoulders like it was the end of the world. Uncontrollable mewls of pleasure left his mouth as Gavin continued to thrust into him. Connor had nearly pulled Gavin’s face to the crook of his neck. He tugged Gavin’s hair so they could lock their eyes. Gavin’s grey eyes were filled with lust and something else Connor couldn’t quite name. His cheeks were red and sweat was starting to form on his forehead. Connor supposed that he must have looked just as bad, if not worse.

 

“Christ, you’re beautiful” Gavin grunted. His voice sent shivers down Connor’s spine.

 

“Please, Gavin, ha-ah-harder” Connor pleaded. 

 

Gavin complied and slammed into back in with force that had Connor howling. He felt like his insides were burning up. The minutes seemed to be the longest in his life. The feeling of Gavin’s body above and within him was exhilarating. Connor threw his head back and let the warmth wash over him. He could feel Gavin’s mouth on his neck and he could hear the low grunts he was letting out. 

Gavin slammed back in and hit just the right spot. Instinctively, Connor hooked his legs around Gavin’s waist, almost trying to keep him still. He could hear Gavin laugh.

 

“W-what?” Connor breathed out.

 

“Didn’t expect you to be so desperate,” Gavin grunted between the thrusts. 

 

“It’s your fault,” Connor choked out. 

 

“Fuck, I love that sassy mouth of yours,” Gavin whispered. 

 

Connor could feel their position shift a little. Gavin was holding onto his hips and his thrusts were hitting just the right spot in Connor. He was vaguely aware of the lewd sound of their skin slapping together. 

 

“Oh  _ fuck _ , Gavin,” Connor moaned.

 

“That good, h-huh?” Gavin growled.

 

Connor could only hum in response. His voice wasn’t cooperating. It was too busy letting out sounds he didn’t know he as capable of making. They were near animalistic. He let out a disappointed whine when Gavin pulled back.

 

“Get on your hands and knees,” Gavin ordered. His voice left Connor feeling dizzy and breathless. 

 

A tingle of embarrassment filled Connor as he exposed himself to Gavin. It was drowned out when Gavin slammed his cock back in. Connor cried out, holding onto the sheets. He felt Gavin plant soft kisses at the back of his neck. With the new position, Gavin seemed to be able to go deeper than before. He was hitting the right spot with each and every thrust. 

Connor felt himself getting closer to the edge once more. He buried his face into the blanket. It did almost nothing to muffle out the sounds he was making. He could only gasp when he felt Gavin wrap his hand around his cock. He started pumping it slowly and Connor was left a sobbing mess. It was almost too much. 

 

“Fuck, you’re taking me so well. Ah, I love seeing you like this, Jesus, fucking-” Gavin’s words sent him over the edge. Connor’s hips trembled. He would’ve most certainly fallen over had Gavin not been holding him in place. He could feel Gavin’s cock twitch in him. For a moment, Connor’s vision blurred. His breath hitched into a silent moan. 

 

Connor could feel Gavin’s thrusts getting sloppy. Gavin let out a strangled cry as he came. They stayed there, panting, trying to catch their breath. Finally, Gavin pulled out. Connor could feel the cum leaking out. Gavin kissed his neck once more.

  
  


_ Let me be your 'leccy meter and I'll never run out _ _   
_ _ And let me be the portable heater that you'll get cold without _ _   
_ _ I wanna be your setting lotion (I wanna be) _ _   
_ _ Hold your hair in deep devotion (How deep?) _ _   
_ _ At least as deep as the Pacific Ocean _ _   
_ __ I wanna be yours

  
  


“You okay?” he breathed out.

 

“That was… amazing,” Connor mumbled. His throat felt sore and forming the words was hard. He could hear Gavin chuckle behind him. 

 

“Wanna cuddle?” Gavin asked. Without waiting for an answer, he had wrapped his arms around Connor and pulled him close.

 

“I do believe that we have to change the sheets and take a shower,” Connor said. He could hear Gavin whining. 

 

Connor turned around so he was facing Gavin. The detective’s face was red and sweaty. His hair was a matted mess and his pupils were blown wide. Connor moved in to cup his cheeks. Gavin’s arms around him felt safe. As they laid naked and sweaty on the bed, Connor could hear the words he wanted to say, and say them he did.

 

“I think I love you”

 

“I love you too”

  
  


_ I wanna be your vacuum cleaner _ _   
_ _ Breathing in your dust _ _   
_ _ I wanna be your Ford Cortina _ _   
_ _ I will never rust _ _   
_ _ I just wanna be yours (Wanna be yours) _ _   
_ _ I just wanna be yours (Wanna be yours) _ _   
_ __ I just wanna be yours (Wanna be yours)

  
  


════ ⋆★⋆ ════

  
  


╔ ——————————————— ╗

 

Connor: Forgive me father, for I have sinned

 

Dad: What the fuck happened

: wait

: Connor, no

 

╚ ——————————————— ╝

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This journey has been insanely rewarding. I will try not to rant, but...
> 
> I made a new Tumblr account for writing and bought a domain name. I will still be checking the old one, but preferably use my new one. I haven't posted anything yet, but soon the devil in me will be unleashed. I will eventually link up my other social media's in that Tumblr and not here (since this is done and I don't have all of them set up just yet). 
> 
> If you think I'm taking this too seriously or that I'm absolutely ridiculous and mad, you are correct. I am completely bonkers. Life is short and in itself quite meaningless so I might as well have fun with mine and go after things I'm passionate about instead of limiting myself with what others deem "ridiculous and utterly useless". 
> 
> Thank you for coming to my TEDx talk.
> 
> Tumblr:
> 
> https://riikkamhaynes.tumblr.com
> 
> My email:
> 
> riikka@riikkamhaynes.com


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